[FFML] [www][fanfic][Ranma][Sailormoon][Persona] Chikan Senshi Sailormoon 1-8 REVISED @ MythrilMoth.net

[Dot Warner]

A couple of things jumped out at me:
- I found that the narrative's pacing to be too fast for its own good.  While it does mimic the general style of both 
Ranma and Sailor Moon, I think there needed to be more "downtime" scenes so that I as a reader can emotionally 
react to everything that's going on.
- There needed to be a little more scene setting so that I had some idea "when" this story takes place as far as 
series continuity.  Both series had not only major power level upgrades, but significant character development as 
well.
- You seem to be relying too much knowledge of native series to fill in the blanks on characterization.  I wouldn't 
need a refresher on everything about each character, but everybody could still use more fleshing out.  At this point I 
could probably replace the whole cast with a D&D adventuring party and very few things would change.  (Except 
maybe a certain somebody would've been able to be brought back to life.)
- Where are all of the other Ranma 1/2 characters? Sure, Ranma's hardly about to go to anyone else for help, but's 
fairly well established that Ranma is a huge trouble magnet, and the worse something is, the more likely someone 
else will pop up.  (If nothing else I'd think Cologne and Mousse would want to be involved.)
- And where are the Shin Megami Tensei characters? Or are the only SMT characters showing up in this crossover 
the villains? (But if so, why?)
- Other than honorifics and maaaaybe terms that lack specific English equivalents (noren, magatama, okonomiyaki, 
etc.), the Japanese is somewhat disruptive to the narrative.  Why drop a language foreign to the primary language 
of your narrative when all of the characters understand each other?
- The sneak peek of the villains in Chapter 2 should dispense with the "dark figure" stuff--they all know who each 
other are.  The _reader_ doesn't, yes, but it's not like having them show up name first would mean anything for 
them anyway.  Alternately, have the scene be nothing but dialogue.
- "I'm Saotome Ranma.  Sorry about this.": I have to admit, I laughed at that one.  But why repeat that line in the 
next part?
- I so want to know the story of how Mamoru and Kuno know each other.  (I mean besides the fact that they 
apparently went to school together.)
- Izanagi's first appearance gives us this huge text dump on what he looks like.  As I said before, I'm not a fan of this 
police-blotter-style description, not even in Omniscient Third Person.  Splitting up the description as what each of 
the other character notices (Ranma's evaluating on combat ability, Makoto on how cute he is, etc. etc.) would also  
flesh out those characters more.

On [Super Duper Spoiler]
- It was certainly gutsy of you to kill off Sailor Moon in Chapter 1.  But I don't buy how it went down.  Sailor Moon is 
a magical girl AND she has tremendous plot armor by virtue of being the protagonist.  If she could've been sidelined 
by an ambush like that she wouldn't have lasted nearly as long as she did.  (At the beginning of the series, maybe.  
But not one who is apparently at least Super Sailor Moon in terms of experience and power level.  She was able to 
fight Sailor Galaxia, who one-shot pretty much all of the other Senshi, to a standstill, for crying out loud!) And once 
you established the enemy as this super tough badass who can take down someone on her level without so much as 
a fight, here comes Ranma to successfully save the day...because the plot says so, apparently.  And then Ranma can 
somehow become Sailor Moon because...? (Granted, I don't remember what sort of qualifications one would need to 
be a Senshi other than a Star Seed, but even the fanfictions where Sailor [Insert Planet Here] join the cast make 
some effort to justify that.)

-"Dot"
http://dotchan.com/

I'm my own mind-altering substance. 8)