[FFML] [Ranma] End Game Chapter 1 (revised)

[Gary Kleppe]

> End Game

HIROSHI: Game over, dude!

> Chapter One: Secret Plays
>
> By: Lord Archive

> Akane made sure her door was locked before she went to the window and
> pulled the shade closed. She did not begin to undress to get ready for
> bed, instead she moved to her desk.

Suggest: bed; instead, she

> Akane then did something that surprised herself as much as it would
> anyone else: she signed the application. Not because her father wanted
> her too,

wanted her to,

SOUN: If Ranma won't marry you, there's always me!

AKANE: I appreciate the thought, Dad, but that would be illegal, and  
frankly disgusting.

> but because she had convince herself that Ranma loved her.

had convinced herself

> Even though the wedding ceremony had literally been bombed, she was
> still legally Saotome Akane. The only issue was that only a couple
> people realized this, and Ranma wasn't one of them. Still, she was the
> legal winner, and that would have to do for now. She carefully put the
> proof of marriage back in it's hiding place and got ready for bed,

its hiding place (it's == it is or it was)

> "I will pound you into paste if you don't fix my leg now!" Akane
> order.

ordered.

> "How can I with you breathing down my neck?" Akane hissed.
>
> "Get used to it," Ranma shot back.
>
> Akane shuddered, uncertain if he meant the double meaning of that statement.

There's some good potential for comedy here, with Ranma not knowing  
that the two of them are already married.

> "The wildest ideas Yuka has had wouldn't come close to what Uncle
> Saotome has done to me," Akane almost groaned out. "I'm not giving any
> details as it will sound horribly stupid. And if I told you what was
> used in the training, it would sound incredibly perverted."

The reader, however, would like to hear some details, or at least some  
hints at them.


> "I am getting sick of him calling me 'airhead.' I am NOT an idiot. I
> was speaking cute because Japanese boys were supposed to like that
> sort of shit," Shampoo ranted.
>
> Akane blinked dumbly. Since when did Shampoo speak nearly perfect,
> barely accented Japanese?

I could buy Shamps being able to speak better Japanese than she lets  
on, but if so, why reveal it to Akane now?

> Akane watched the scene, trying to remember if anyone tried to
> actually explain the curse to her. Sure Kodachi had seen Ranma change,
> but why would she immediately assume it was magic? "Actually, the
> panda Is uncle Saotome. He didn't switch places with it."

panda is

or

panda *is*

or

panda IS

> "Really, what sort of cursed forms are there?" Kodachi took a
> calculating look.
>
> "Duck, cat, twins, man, and girl," Akane rattled off, stressing the
> last one and leaving out mention of the pool made from her.
>
> Kodachi looked over with wide eyes. "Wait, are you saying the red-
> haired harlot and Ranma-sama...?"

It's rather unbelievable that she could catch on this easily after  
being oblivious for so long. I would think she would have to exhaust  
any possibility of it being a trick before believing in magic  
transforming water.

Also, if as your pre-notes indicated, this story is based only on the  
manga, then Ranma does not have red hair. Even in the anime, Ranma can  
do stuff like put on a pair of glasses and comb his hair and have  
people not recognize him. So it's clear (to me, if no one else) that  
the hair colors are an artifact of the art style, not something that  
should be taken at face value.

DAISUKE: Just make it "the harlot with the abnormally huge eyeballs"....

> Akane made Ranma bend over, grabbed the edges of the bucket and
> started to pull. She hefted her foot to his shoulder to push off him.
> With a final tug and a moan of pain from Ranma, Akane fell backwards
> and launched the bucket into the air. Not the best thing to do in her
> school dress with it bellowing out. At least only Ranma was in any

I think the word you want there is "billowing",

SKIRT: I am Akane's garment! Hear me roar!

> "Kodachi splashed me. She then complained about me lying or something,
> and about how insane Pop is," Ranma muttered. "She then shoved the
> bucket on my head and whacked it with her baton or something until it
> stuck. Told me to tell you that I'm all yours as she's 'done with
> me.'"

I might believe this reaction if Kodachi mistakenly got the idea that  
a girl was Ranma's natural form and the male side was the cursed one  
(in which case she'd be back with a vengeance once she learned the  
whole truth). But obviously that wasn't what Akane told her. So why  
should the curse make him any less desirable to her? At the very least  
you need to develop this a little more.

KODACHI: I could never love someone who isn't a hundred percent man.

RANMA: I *AM* a hundred percent man! Also fifty percent woman.

KODACHI: I could never love someone who can't do math.


> "So much for those gold fish," Akane grumbled. She then blinked.
> "Ranma, where's your shirt?"

goldfish (one word)

So far this is a little low on humorous or dramatic payoff. A big  
danger in continuation fanfics is forcing your story toward the  
outcome that you as a fan would like to see. Don't let that happen.  
It's okay for things to end with the pairings you favor but getting  
there shouldn't be easy; let the characters make mistakes and have to  
learn from them, and end up convincing us that it *could* have gone  
the other way.

Also, you seem to have a tendency to avoid directly showing action by  
summarizing it after the fact in dialog rather than describing it as  
it happens. It's okay to avoid explicitly showing a scene when what's  
happening in it is secondary to the storyline, or when the scene is so  
familiar that your reader can be expected to know how it goes. But  
don't get into the habit of skipping scenes just because describing  
them is hard. Writing good and appropriate descriptions *is* hard, but  
learning to do it will make your writing come much more alive in the  
minds of your readers.

Also also, next time please wrap your story at 70-80 characters per  
line. You will need to turn off HTML formatting first. This makes it  
easier to insert line-by-line comments without a lot of extra work.

Anyway, good luck and keep writing.