[FFML] [Ranma] Hearts and Minds, Part 7 of 10

[Bert Miller]

On 4/23/2012 12:13 PM, Gary Kleppe wrote:
>
>                             HEARTS AND MINDS
>                                PART SEVEN
>
>
> think he might have been the one who knocked out the electricity."
>
>     "Lucky for me he did, or I might not've beat those soldiers up
> there," 

So that's what "then everything went dark" meant last chapter.  You 
sneaky dog.

>     A white powder squall exploded in the back room of Ucchan's
> Okonomiyaki. In the middle of the burst, a figure swooned, then toppled
> over.

Do you ever explain how/why Ukyou set this trap?

>
>     "Yippee!" Azusa moved towards the door. "We're going to see
> Dominique again! Dominique!"

Interesting French name for Kodachi... Kinda fits somehow...

>
> The man had been going crazy with worry. Any more of this and he
> would've completely popped his cork.

Groan.  Really, how could you?  "Champagne" "would've popped his cork", 
indeed.

>
> getting the funding for it. There's no reason why these people should've
> gotten their hands on a machine like this, unless..."
>
>     "Unless?"

...they're receiving backing from the U.S. government, like half the 
countries in the world...

>
>     Nabiki tried to think, tried to come up with any possible
> explanation for this. "I'm going to have to make some phone calls," she
> said. "I might need to return to the states to check this out."

(sp)  "States"  (capitalized; it's being used as a proper noun here)

>     "The good news for us is, they can't completely lay this loss at
> our feet," Michaels said. "From what we've determined, the prisoners got
> out on their own, before their rescue team even got there. If that
> hadn't happened, we would've captured the rescuers."
>
>     "Nevertheless," Michaels continued, "this puts us in a
> precarious position. A lot of very influential people would like to see
> this project closed down. If we fail again, they'll get what they want,
> and you know what that will mean for the three of you."

So why is Michaels in charge again?  Why isn't he avoiding this project 
like the plague, if his top priority is his family?

Also, given that his OWN future would seem to be at stake here, why 
isn't he giving a more effective pep talk?  The only hope he has left is 
that this team NOT fail again.

>     "The unemployment line," offered Crandall.
>
>     Fat chance, thought Wesley. If the higher-ups were through with
> them they'd be sanctioned with extreme prejudice. He felt like ripping

... because they know too much?  Or is this supposed to tell us 
something about Wesley?

>
>     He took a breath. The emotions that he'd absorbed from the
> Japanese fighter surged through him. But he'd always known what to do
> with emotions: Suppress them, and follow orders. They would go away.
> They always did.

Uh oh.  "The Japanese fighter" being Ryouga?  This guy has absorbed 
Ryouga's depression?  Perfect Shi-shi houkoudan, anyone?

>
> advantage -- Kodachi obviously didn't know that she'd managed to get
> word to Nabiki. 

Unless I've missed something, Ukyou doesn't know that, either.  She got 
word to Soun, and didn't even get confirmation that Soun heard her 
correctly.

>
> was about to leave Nerima after my contest with Akane when I came across
> a remote listening device left by someone in a back alley. 

Heh.  Gee, who could have planted that?

> I listened to
> the voice of elder Ke Lun telling her great-granddaughter where to find
> this cask of water which could cause great harm in the wrong hands. 

And Kodachi understood Amazon village-dialect Chinese at the time?

>     "It's me." The cover of a garbage receptacle lifted up, exposing
> a familiar head. "Tsubasa."

Huh.  I didn't remember Tsubasa being in this story.

>
>     Ti Pi fixed her gaze on a blank wall of granite, and spoke. "Ou
> Pen!"

Cute.  But I hope the intonations are such that English speakers are 
unlikely to get it right by happenstance, or it's a really bad choice of 
password.

>
>     "The lever on the left is cold water."
>
>     Ukyo glanced over her shoulder to see Kodachi standing behind
> her. "Er, thanks." She tried to think of something to say, but a club to
> the head saved her the trouble.

Heh.


>
>     Their group walked over vast plains of dirt dotted with
> irregular patches of weeds. Azure skies and occasional sunbeams peeked
> through thick white clouds. It was a refreshing change from the dull
> gray haze of the past few days, or at least that was how Akane felt.
>
>     "We're wide open. All those Mongols looking for us will need is
> a good pair of binoculars, and they'll see us coming from miles away."

Umm... you're in Mongolia.  Most of the country is like that.

(Although, what happened to the vast grasslands?  Probably covered in 
your backstory...)

>
> they had somehow been tracked down a few days ago, in much less open
> country where no one ought to have known what route they would be
> taking. If they could be found there, surely they could be found here
> just as easily.

Yes, but now you can see other people coming.  I'd be worried about 
planes, myself.  Or predator drones.  (Well, they might be off mistaking 
a wedding for these guys...)

>     "I *am* myself. That's the problem."
>
>     "How's that supposed to make any sense!?" She threw up her
> hands. "Look, I guess everything we've been through the last few weeks
> has shaken your confidence. But you're still the one who beat Sa Fulan."

Given that it's just Akane and Ranma talking, suggest you just use 
"Saffron".  You might confuse fewer readers.

>
>
>
>     AUTHOR'S NOTES: After a very lengthy hiatus -- during which,
> among other things, I got married and had a son -- I'm back to writing
> this; hopefully someone still wants to read it.

Looking forward to it.


Generalities:
   I had the general impression that in many of this chapters scenes 
following on from last chapter, you started just a little farther in 
than you probably should have.  It took a little re-reading to figure 
out what had happened in between, and, in one case (Ukyou overcoming 
Kodachi at the beginning of this chapter), I'm not sure I do know 
exactly what happened.  Last chapter, Kodachi laughed; this chapter, 
she's overcome with a burst of white powder.  Did Ukyou set a trap?  Or 
did she just wake up, hear the laughter, and come down and attack?

Overall, I remain intrigued, and wondering where everything will end up.