[FFML] [HP] [XOVER] Drunkard's Walk VIII, Chapter 1

[Bert Miller]

On 7/8/2012 10:22 AM, Bob Schroeck wrote:
> ... and I have no idea why the line wrapping went wonky on
> that.  My apologies for anyone who had trouble -- or just
> annoyance -- reading that.
>
> -- Bob

I wasn't bothered.  I may or may not get time for a full C&C, but I just 
wanted to note one thing, in mild surprise:  Doug didn't annoy a single 
protagonist, not one(!), in the first chapter.  And he's met them all.  
Doug hasn't whipsawed in attitude, either; is he mellowing in his old age?

(Okay, he has annoyed a number of functionaries at the Ministry, but 
they don't know it's him.  Yet.)

More seriously:  granted, it's hard to see how you could have handled 
things much differently.  (If Dumbledore doesn't take to Doug, you don't 
have a story.)  The one minor almost-spat, Doug vs. Sirius, actually 
seemed more OOC for Doug (to me) than almost anything else in the story; 
I suspect you forced that just to avoid charges of Doug having 
mellowed.  It's hard to imagine that incident as a foreshadowing of Doug 
as strict rules-enforcer versus those notorious flouters of school 
rules, Harry, Ron, and Hermione;  Doug and Harry are just too much 
alike, both chaotic good personified.  What I _can_ imagine, though, 
with a bit of a grin, is Doug shouldering 15-year-old Harry out of the 
way when something dangerous appears, with a "Keep your head down, dumb 
kid!" remark.

You also didn't have very many WB cartoon quotes in this one.  You could 
do a fair amount with this, having Harry and Hermione recognize Bugs 
Bunny quotes and chortle, while Ron is just lost.

Looking forward eagerly to more!