[FFML] [Haruhi] Sympathy -- Epilogue

[Brian Randall]

#     Sympathy

##     A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction

###     Epilogue --  A Power No One Can Contain

     Disclaimer: The novel series of Suzumiya Haruhi that began with 'The
Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa.  No
disrespect is intended by the posting of this fanfiction, as I do not own
the characters or settings involved.  I'm merely dabbling with another set
of paints.

     ---------------------------------

     Kyon said I'd remember everything if I took the hand of that other
copy of me.  He also said we were the same person.  And both an alternate
dimension version of me _and_ a time traveler.

     Somehow, after our hands touched and everything went dark, he was
right, though.  I remembered everything from our time together -- the good
and the bad -- right up until Kyon's irritation and my frustration met
head-on.

     But--  I _also_ remember being a weaker, less capable version of me,
going through a much crappier and _weirder_ take on my first few months of
high school.  Setting that all aside, it's kind of painful actually,
remembering everything she--

     No....  Everything _I_ did, there.

     She was _me_.

     Still -- why were things harder for me?  Why did so much just not go
my way that time around?  Why was _Kyon_ so much more adept at things that
time?

     ...the answer is pretty obvious, once I put everything together and
take my last clear memory in the, I guess, original timeline into
consideration.  Specifically, what he said when I was in the clubroom with
him.  Once I take that into account, it's pretty damn obvious.

     So ... he went through _that_?  And ... I had some crazy _power_?
 Evidently I accidentally gave it to him--

     I am really, really pissed off at this; there's so much just wrong and
messed up about this entire situation!  I thought Kyon was kind of a nice
guy -- but I slip up and give him a chance, and he pulls _this_ on me?

     My eyes fly open and I realize I must have fallen or tipped over after
me and....  After I took my own hand, I guess.  Kyon must have caught me; I
guess it took a while for me to sort everything out.  So there I am,
cradled in his arms and looking up at him.  And now, what, now he thinks he
can take advantage of me?

     What a _bastard_!

     "So ... you thought it was funny to watch me the entire time,
remembering everything and playing dumb?" I growl at him.

     Well -- _fine_ then!  Before he has a chance to answer me, since his
arms are still supporting me, he has no ability to protect himself when I
swing my arm toward him.  The angle's not that great, considering where I'm
held, and I don't have that much practice hitting people, so I can't put
much force into it -- but I slap him across the face hard enough my palm
stings a little.

     He grunts slightly in surprise, and his head turns with the blow --
not even _close_ to what he'd hit Asakura with -- without dropping me.
 After that, he slumps in resignation, like I just burst a seal and let the
air out of him.  He stands there almost listlessly, only supporting me in
his arms, his face turned slightly away.

     "No," he says, his voice a little rough.  "I didn't....  What Asakura
did tripped a ... failsafe.  I didn't ... think about that part
specifically, but I didn't want you to be hurt, so my memories came back to
me right before then so that I could...."  He trails off, just looking the
same way, not meeting my eyes.

     That catches me--  So, he didn't play with the powers he had at all?
 He set up that stupid stunt ... but then put himself into it, too?

     It's pretty much impossible to be mad at Kyon when I think he's
already mad at _himself_.  It seems pretty clear that events went way past
what he expected.  Looking at things more critically, it wasn't that I
thought Kyon was 'kind of a nice guy.'  Going through it twice....  Well, I
know what I feel now; that second start, it didn't get a _whole_ lot
further than a crush ... but it was absolutely headed in that direction.

     I'd be lying to myself at this point if I claimed I didn't know how I
felt, and I've just been through _way_ too much to keep that up.

     If there's symmetry between our situations, then I know exactly _why_
he's so upset with himself.  And I think ... I would be, too.  Hell, if he
went through that same crap....  And then, at the end of last Spring,
didn't he _try_ to tell me?  And what did I do?

     Cursed him out and made him pay for the bill.

     No _wonder_ he didn't press harder afterwards!

     I move my hand toward his head again, and his eyes shut, but he
doesn't even try and flinch away.

     ...I can't hit him.  I shouldn't have hit him the _first_ time--
 Stupid knee-jerk reaction!  So -- a power that makes your desires reality?
 And what did I really want, anyway?  To understand him better -- to think
he'd learn to understand _me_ better!

     And then when I get that, the first moment I get a chance to face him
afterward, I blow it all by _slapping_ him?  Really smooth, Suzumiya.

     I don't like to screw up--  No one does.

     No way in _hell_ am I going to do it twice in a row!

     With his eyes closed, he doesn't react when my hand slows, tracing
across the side of his head before I reach up a little further and grab the
back of his head, my fingers going through his hair.  Considering what he
was expecting, he's totally bewildered when I pull him in for a kiss.

     This time the clumsy guy _does_ drop me -- or would if I weren't
hanging onto him by that point.  That doesn't stop me from pressing my lips
against his, though, and judging by the surprised sound he makes, and him
belatedly putting his arms around me, I got _that_ part spot on.

     So ... sorry about that, Kyon.  That feels right, somehow--  Or at
least _better_.  And it's not like he doesn't kiss me _back_, so I don't
think things have gotten to a point where we can't fix them.

     When I let him come up for air, his face is red -- except for the
discoloration where I slapped him.  I regret that.  He might have deserved
it a _little_, but probably not that much.

     Still--  I cough and step away after recovering my footing.  There's a
hell of a lot going on right now, and as much fun as it might be, trying to
go straight into make-outs after that....  Really, we need to talk.

     "S...so," I say, turning around, looking about the clubroom.  Outside
it's dim, and there's no sign of other people.  Now that I think about it,
there's no real visible source of light, just kind of a general
illumination all around us.

     "So--  What's going on with the world, then?"

     "Uh," Kyon manages, sounding as unbalanced as I think he ought to.
 "Um.  Thi...this is a kind of ... a halfway point between our world, and
the one I made when ... I was...."

     Man, Kyon -- sometimes you're just impossible.  You get an amazing
power and use it to, what, give yourself the most epic guilt trip in the
history of amazing things?

     "So, those are two separate worlds?  How can that make sense, if both
me and you were also in both of them?" I press.  "The Yuki that showed up
to fight Asakura--  She's not from our original world?"

     "I....  I didn't really think everything out," Kyon says slowly.  "But
... I guess you don't _have_ to with this power.  It just didn't do things
I didn't want ... so, I didn't want to destroy or erase a world.  It made a
new one, and both of us got moved over to it, with our memories reset....
 Everyone....  Everyone else is a copy, based on a divergence in the past
of our old world, and not ... the people we actually know."

     "So, you're telling me that Mikuru _isn't_ some terrifying
manipulative bitch?" I ask warily, unable to tack on a '-chan' for the time
traveler after seeing that horrible other version of her.

     He cringes at that.  "I....  I don't think so," he mumbles.  "Koizumi
once said she might be ... to try and manipulate me to...."  He trails off,
but I follow the implications _really_ well by this point!

     There's just so much to go over here, though!

     "And Koizumi-kun, then?  I'm guessing it was the same deal, since you
wanted our situations swapped?"

     "He....  Kind of," Kyon says morosely, still looking completely
off-balance.  At least that kiss seems to have cleared _some_ of his
depression.  And I can't say it didn't make me feel a little better, too.
 "The whole plan was to help you settle and calm down, and he ... uh, he
really spent a lot of time trying to push me to spend more time with
you...."

     I can follow _that_ implication, too.  "Well, forget about _that_--
 We can make that decision on our _own_," I tell him.

     He shakes slightly, eyes widening.  It's _kind_ of nice to see him
off-balance, but too much is too much.

     "I don't even know where to begin, but we need to talk about this," I
say, taking Kyon's hand and pulling him to the table.  He doesn't resist,
and as anxious and confused as I am by this, I pace back and forth on the
other side of the table from him once he's seated.

     Even though I still want to hit Kyon with a barrage of questions, I
can't help but think about another time we were in this room, when the
lighting was similar.  I'm tempted to order Kyon to make tea again, but for
one thing, his tea tastes awful, and for another--  There's a solution,
though!

     "Stay there," I order, waving a hand at him and moving to the tea set
myself.  There's water already, so I keep myself busy with that.  Where do
we even start to deal with this?  Wait!  I think I know what I need to hear.

     "Kyon, tell me about everything--  From the beginning," I order,
setting a cup of tea in front of him and then taking the seat opposite from
him.  "And ... be as honest as you always tried to be since that one day,
before....  A...anyway--  It's pretty clear I don't _really_ know the other
members of my Brigade, so ... tell me about them?  If they're better than
the versions I found here...."

     "O...okay," Kyon says.  He shakes his head and offers a really weak,
somewhat rueful smile.  "I ... used to think about how I'd tell you these
things a lot, kind of writing a story in my head, really.  Um, so, from the
very beginning, for me....  Alright, please bear with me -- there's rather
a lot to tell."

     I give him a solid nod of confirmation, setting my own teacup down.

     He clears his throat, and seems to recover a tiny bit of lost
confidence as he starts, a bit further back than I expected: "When did I
stop believing in Santa Claus?  In truth, this sort of silly question holds
no real significance for me.  However...."

     ***

     Kyon's story takes a surprising amount of time to tell.  When it gets
too heavy, I waste some time keeping our tea refreshed.  We break a few
times to use the washroom down the hall.

     When we get hungry, there's a stack of boxed lunches and small cartons
of milk in the fridge that reappear every time the door is closed -- they
were probably pretty good, but I was processing _way_ too much to really
taste them.  We don't get tired at all, which right now is just fine by me.

     Some of it ... I'll probably need _days_ to entirely figure out.
 Mostly, I listen to how he went through meeting the other Brigade members.
 I'm really glad he's being totally honest, but he is _not_ making it easy
for me to keep from disliking the face I saw on Mikuru in the alternate
world.  Especially that part about her opening her shirt to show him that
mole, or how her older self _was_ as manipulative (to her younger self, no
less!) as I suspected based on the alternate one--

     Anyway, I keep it together, and don't say anything except to ask
questions.  It probably goes without saying that the hardest part of the
explanation to deal with is filming that movie....  Ugh.

     After that, and everything _else_ going on with Mikuru, I'm pretty
sure I'm done with the entire idea of a sequel.

     Some of it's not that scary -- it sounds like somewhere in there, he
had some fun, too.  I can't feel _totally_ awful about the things I did
with my power ... when I had it.  I don't feel _great_, but at least having
had to go through the first part of something similar, I can understand
where he's coming from.

     ...I guess, in a way, that power really did give me exactly what I
wanted, didn't it?  And with Kyon acting like this instead of being his
typical snarky self, it's pretty clear he's at least _trying_ to understand
me better, too.  Though ... being honest ... he really doesn't do that poor
a job of it.  It's a bit embarassing, listening to his insights into _me_
from back then.

     I'm kind of ticked off he didn't tell me right away when he time
traveled, but I understand his reasons.  At this point, him telling me he
was John Smith is just a tiny surprise on the huge pile.  But -- it really
_does_ make sense.

     I feel about as depressed as he sounds when he tells me about an
alternate world from December -- the one _before_ the one he made ... just
for me, I guess.  I'm not sure how _I_ like the implication of erasing
entire _worlds_.  I wanted more out of summer vacation, but _that_ much?

     That's ... just too much to deal with, though, so I set it aside for
later.  We have all the time we need to sort things out, here, so we might
as well do that -- one thing at a time.

     The whole story does give me a good idea of how he's feeling about
what _he_ did, though.  Even if it was in one of those extraordinarily rare
fits of temper that Kyon almost never actually gets....

     That's not my _entire_ takeaway.  I do catch the way he doesn't
_quite_ admit it directly, but he does explain his reasons for coming back
from that world.  It gets a bit more obvious when he admits he flirted with
me near last Valentine's day -- like I missed that! -- but after that kiss,
I think I'd probably be pretty upset with him if he didn't admit
_something_.

     It's actually kind of amazing, reading between the lines, how he
admits that he was attracted to me physically ... but then put effort into
learning who I really was.  Being honest, I _always_ liked that he actually
put effort into getting to know me.  Now, I would be annoyed if he just
liked my looks, but what girl doesn't want to be told she's pretty by the
guy she likes?  Especially when he follows it up with how much he learned
and....

     Yeah, I know I've got some rough spots, but his throwaway comment that
he thinks I'd be 'just as lovely as Asahina-san if I could smile more
gently' -- it may sound kind of backhanded, but the honest way he says it
and the glint in his eyes makes my knees a little weak.  It also means that
if I show him a gentler smile once in a while, I probably don't need to
worry about Mikuru manipulating him....

     Give the boy some credit -- he can be surprisingly--  Er, but--

     That's all getting distracted, and as much fun as it might be, there
_are_ bigger issues looming.  He's more vague when he gets to the end,
about the thing that made him angry at his middle-school friend's
associates, but given everything else, I can see plenty of reasons to let
that slide.

     Once he finishes, his voice a little rough, he reaches for his cup of
tea.

     "Well, it's a pretty screwed up way of doing things, but I'll take it
over being asked out over the phone," I decide.  "Um ... and ... sorry
about smacking you," I manage, trying to smile.  I mean, Kyon's an
easy-going guy ... is it alright?  "I wish I hadn't, so....  I really am
sorry.

     "I mean, I want to have fun, and I want adventures -- but ... it
sounds like in the past, I've caused a _lot_ of damage by being careless.
 Such a power ... no matter how much fun it is, it's _not_ a toy, is it?" I
realize aloud.  "If we can set things right....  Saving the world by
overloading it with fun is great -- but some of the things that I put you
through without realizing it are _terrifying_ -- and I didn't much enjoy
the parts I went through myself!

     "So ... I think I'm glad I never realized what I could do with that
power.  I've done enough harm on accident, if I had learned about my power
and used it irresponsibly...."  He starts at that, eyes widening, and I try
my best to give him a hopeful smile.  I think if anyone could be trusted
with that power, knowing what it could do, it'd be him, honestly.

     "T...that's the smile," he starts, before cutting off.  He looks a
tiny bit abashed -- absolutely, he's recovering from things.  And that's a
reassurance to me, too.  If I don't really know the Brigade that well, at
least I can believe that I really _do_ know Kyon.  Much better now than
before we got into that stupid argument that eventually brought us here,
too.

     "Okay," he says, after a breath, giving me one of his rare,
knee-wobbling smiles.  Guess that's a two-way street, too!  "I think....  I
think that right there proves that you're the one who should have these
powers, not me."

     I bite my tongue at that; personally, I've come to the conclusion that
... really, unless it's someone who just doesn't care about other people at
all....  Well, I don't say anything, because if what he's doing is what I
_think_ he's doing, this would be a terrible time to distract him.

     He doesn't say anything or make a gesture beyond bowing his head
slightly.  "Haruhi ... thank you for being so reasonable about all of this.
 And I really _am_ sorry...."  Then, he looks a little off balance, putting
his hands on the table.

     At the same time, I feel a tingling in the back of my head and become
a bit dizzy myself.  I _also_ feel like my senses just got a bit sharper.
 Seems reasonable, though; the power comes with some fringe benefits.

     "I can't ... quite like that I only _really_ did so much better
because I had an unfair advantage," I say slowly.  "And I'm not trying to
say you're wrong, but seeing things now ... this isn't a good power at all,
really.  It's just ... too dangerous.  Even with the best of intentions--
 I've figured out something about this."

     "W...what?" Kyon asks, shaking his head, looking concerned.

     "I'm not going to do anything stupid," I assure him, trying that smile
again--  He settles almost instantly.  Yeah ... stupid power.  I bet
without it clearing so many obstacles from my path, I would have learned
that all it _really_ took to reach him was just being freaking _nice_ about
things much sooner!  Come to think of it -- that's exactly what I was
starting to realize just before running into Asakura.

     Ugh!

     "O...okay, then what did you figure out?" he asks, breaking me out of
my distraction.

     "This kind of power needs to be handled carefully," I say slowly.  I'm
not ... _really_ sure how to consciously control it, but I figure it does
what I want.  And what I want most of all right now is to _not_ screw up
and use it on accident, or let my subconscious do something really stupid
with it.  "And ... even if you were pissed off and had a knee-jerk
reaction, I learned something important.  Actually, a _lot_ of important
things.

     "The big thing about this power is ... I don't believe that, no matter
what someone intends, that _anyone_ should have this power."

     His eyes widen, and he looks nervous, uncertain.  "Y...you're going to
get rid of it?" he asks in surprise.

     "Dummy," I chastize him.  "I think both of us have been careless with
our power, and there's some things we still need to fix with what we've
done--  But that's aside from the point.

     "One other thing about this power that's bothering me is ... the
fringe benefits alone make it really ... well, unfair!  I...if we're going
to start going out," and then I fix him with a sharp, challenging look,
because as far as I can tell, we _are_, "how the hell would that work as a
relationship if the one who held the power was just always automatically
_better_ at things?"

     He doesn't say anything, but I can tell from his face he's had
thoughts like that of his own.  It wasn't like I particularly enjoyed those
memories of the alternate world where I had to slave away just to keep up
with Kyon.  Even from his story, there were tiny hints of things I could
easily see leading to resentment for how hard _he_ had to work ... and
couldn't keep up at all.  If he weren't so much of an easy-going slacker....

     But even that has finite limits!

     Anyway, talk about stealing all of the meaning from trying to impress
him -- or anything _else_ I ever tried!  It's nice to win, and it's great
to be good at the game -- but if you're always going to win no matter what
just because of who you are, why bother?  Looking at it that way, the fight
Kyon put up the entire time I've known him ... honestly ... makes me feel
like my connection with him is one of the very few things I really _earned_.

     "Anyway, the other thing about this is, for all that we want to try
and fix things up with the Brigade, how can I really get to know them, when
they're worried about what I might do with it?  There has to be a limiter
or failsafe -- and both of us, I think want to go undo some other damage we
might have done, too."

     I can't help but think about what he said about erasing that other
world to be with me, or his mumbled, guilty mention of nightmares about it.
 Then again, there's some things _I_ did I'm not happy about.  We may not
be able to change what happened, according to Kyon's understanding of time
travel, but we can at least work together to make sure nothing else goes
wrong.

     Right?

     "I--  I trust you, though," he answers, shaking his head.  "I know you
don't want ... bad things to happen--"

     "But they did anyway!" I cut him off.  "You know what path they say is
paved with good intentions!  Really, I should be happy that things weren't
_worse_!  No, the thing about this is ... no _one_ should have this power."

     He blinks at me, and I finish figuring out what the best answer is.
 What I _really_ want.  Sympathy?  Symmetry?  If there's going to be any
kind of balance between us, he needs to be on some kind of equal footing,
right?

     "So--  For us to fix things ... from now on, it's going to be _our_
power, and we'll work together to use it--  And if we don't agree, then
nothing will happen."  I feel a much milder sense of dizziness and tingling
as the power does exactly what I want, and I can see from his slight wobble
that it must have worked for him, too.

     He looks astounded, and I can't help but grin.  There's a lot of work
left, probably -- and we've got to talk about a hell of a lot more, as
well.  But this feels like a good start!

     ...right up until I realize I'm suddenly sitting in his lap, anyway.
 "Eh," I manage.

     He looks incredibly embarrassed, suddenly, and turns his head away,
his face reddening.  That, that--  That insufferable--

     ...okay.  Calm down, Suzumiya!  Admit to yourself that you wanted it
too, or it wouldn't have happened!  That _is_ what I decided we should do,
right?

     And it's not like we haven't kissed -- twice before -- anyway.

     "Obviously, we're going to need some practice," I add as dryly as I
can, imitating him even as my own face warms up.

     Hey, thinking about those kisses--  He started one, I started the
other....  Third time's the charm, right?

     So I let my eyes drift shut and tilt my face up, feeling that smile
come to my lips -- before his touch mine.  Yeah, I thought he might have
the same idea; the others were already pretty good, but a mutual kiss is
better by far.

     After a few minutes of that, we both break off for air.  Even if it's
just the two of us in the room, both of us blush, and I climb off his lap
the old-fashioned way.

     "T...that was a whole lot of fun," I say, unable to stop grinning,
"but let's not get _too_ distracted just yet!"

     "Y...yeah," Kyon agrees, sounding somewhat dazed still.  "U...um, we
should go back to the others, and ... figure out how we're going to sort
things out from here."

     Even if I screwed up and blew her off, Yuki's probably our best friend
in the Brigade.  At least, the most honest one.  From what I can tell, I
want to learn more about her and see if I can really be her friend, too --
like Kyon is!  Hey, he got to be friends with an alien, right?  How cool is
that!

     I don't know about Koizumi-kun, but I'd like to know who _he_ really
is, too.  At least, I can't like that he shows us a facade; if he wants to
be our friend, well....  I guess we need to be able to show him he can _be_
honest with us -- maybe just _me_, really.  How else will we get to know
him?

     And ... Mikuru.  Mikuru's _absolutely_ getting her personal space from
me, from now on--  I want to learn more about who _our_ Mikuru really is,
just like the others.  With her, though....  With her it's probably going
to be hard to be _friends_, considering that even Kyon admits it's hard to
trust her future self.

     Thinking of what her older self told Kyon, I guess she doesn't hang
around us much in the future.  I'm not really thrilled with the prospects,
but if we can part on good terms, that'll be good, at least.  I can't be
happy about predetermination suggesting we don't part on good terms....

     On the idea of timelines, I'm not thrilled about the idea of talking
with Mikuru so soon ... but running from that won't get us anywhere.  It'd
be unreasonable not to try and give her the same chance that I want to give
Koizumi-kun and Yuki, anyway.

     "We'll go back," I agree.  "And we'll fix things up with the rest of
the Brigade--  Maybe tell their bosses to screw off, too!"

     "That's fine by me," he agrees, looking _really_ reassured for the
first time since before this whole thing started.

     Still -- after all we've been through, for just a _bit_ before we
return and confuse the hell out of everyone with this new situation....  I
haven't moved _that_ far from him anyway, so I lean in again.  Kyon's kiss
is a bit more energetic, and I'm not going to complain about that too much
as his arms go around me and--

     Well!

     Anyway--  Once we finish catching our breath, I look into Kyon's eyes
and smile, allowing a final, "Together."

     ---------------------------------

     Author's notes: Special thanks to everyone on Soulriders who helped
with their feedback! :)

-- 
Brian Randall
--
Yrne awaits those with the courage to seek it.
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, on my terrible
webpage:
http://pishoque.net/brian/
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