[FFML] [Ranma] Endgame Chapter 3 line issue again

[Gary Kleppe]

On 12/07/2012 10:25 PM, Lord Archive wrote:

> And thank you Gary Kleppe for going over chapter 2. It certainly was a help to me.

Here's this one, then.

> This is set in the manga time line. Anime only events do not apply.

I'd point out (since I forgot to mention it last time) that Nabiki as 
the school gambling racketeer is something that only happened in an 
episode of the TV series. Doesn't mean you can't use it, of course.

First a few obligatory corrections:

> Textbooks littered the dining room table as Ranma and Akane worked on a project
> together. Nodoka was in the backyard, hanging laundry on a cloth's line.

clothesline.

> "If Akane gets hurt, her medical bills would have to be paid somehow," Ranma
> snarled. "If the worse happens, you're next to be married."

the worst happens,


> Akane flinched. "She deserved to know the truth and I could've used her as a warm
> up fight."

a warm-up fight."

> "And now for the event over a year in the making: Shampoo verses Saotome Akane!"
> Nabiki announced. "That's right folks, _Saotome_ Akane. The explosive wedding
> ceremony didn't mean a thing as Ranma and Akane were already legally
>   married. And
> unless you've been under a rock, the reason for this fight is self explanatory."

self-explanatory."

Okay, then.

The part of this that worked best for me was Akane training for and 
eventually fighting against Shampoo. I liked seeing Akane have to step 
out of her comfort zone and struggle to accomplish that which she's not 
really good enough to do.

The secret marriage and the tryst at the love motel, I thought, *could* 
have worked, but needed a lot more development. We needed to spend some 
time exploring R and A's thoughts and feelings before and after the 
event. Also, especially if you're writing something anywhere near 
original flavor, we should expect there to be unexpected complications 
of some sort. Maybe they have to talk fast in order to keep the usual 
gang from catching on, or maybe they meet some new characters who 
complicate matters.

Some of the other stuff, like Ryoga and Ukyo, just feel tacked on. 
Especially since your notes indicated your intent wasn't to do a "solve 
all the relationships" fic, you might want to look at these and trim out 
or modify any that in the end don't support your main story.

Just my two yen. I hope this helped, and good luck with this and any 
future stories.