[FFML] [Ranma] End Game chapter 2 (with line breaks, I hope)

[Gary Kleppe]

> End Game
>
> Chapter Two: Desperate Measure

I got no response on my comments for the first chapter, but I'll try  
again anyway. If you find this useful please let me know, because I  
don't want to keep wasting my time and yours if you don't.

> By: Lord Archive

DAISUKE: We don't 'ave a lord! We're an anarcho-syndaclist commune!

HIROSHI: I think we're about to see the violence inherent in the system.


> Akane gazed at her marriage certificate. This became a bit of a ritual
> every morning and night to remind herself why she was submitting

This had become a bit of

(use the "had" tense for something that occured before the current  
moment in narration)

> herself to the hell that was training. She wanted this to actually
> mean something. But in her weeks of training, she barely spent any
> time at all with her supposed husband. Was there any real reason
> spending her golden week getting functionally mauled by a panda
> repeatedly? At least school restricted some of her training time.

Missing a word or something in there. Perhaps a "for" after "reason".  
Anyway it doesn't quite parse as written.

> Akari held a blank stare as she looked at Akane, who was holding her
> still out of it pet pig.

Try not to repeat instances of the same verb (held) too close to one another.

Also, hyphenate compound descriptors: holding her still-out-of-it pig.

> "I would never let a pig suffer needlessly," Akari replied
> unemotionally. "How long have you had him as a pet?"
>
> "Over a year, I guess. Why is he getting old?" Akane wondered.

AKARI: Well, you see, with the passage of time any living thing will  
experience cellular atrophy, and....

(No, really, I don't get that question at all.)

> "Know what?" Akane returned quizzically. "Is their something wrong
> with my little P-chan?"

"Is there something wrong

(their === belonging to them)

> Akane had just treated the pig as a pet. Were pigs so different from
> cats and dogs she had been unintentionally hurting her beloved pet?

Not sure what you meant but that's a pretty bad run-on sentence.

> Ryouga suddenly ran down the hallway, completely naked. "Sorry," he
> called out as he passed her, soon followed by his irate girlfriend.
> "Katsunishiki, run that stupid cheating hog down!" Akari shouted,
> tears streaming down her eyes.

Don't let two different speakers have dialog in the same paragraph.

> Akane stared. Wait did Akari think Ryoga was cheating on her? Akane
> vowed to clear things up. Ryouga was just a friend, nothing more.
> Akari wasn't taking him from her anymore than she would cheat on
> Ranma. Especially not with Ryouga.

any more (two words)

As a single word it be in the sense that she did it before but won't  
do it again. Insert your own joke here.

On the good side, these scenes were a good use of POV. The narration  
is consistent from Akane's viewpoint based on her own limited  
understanding of what's actually happening.

On the not-quite-so-good side, you've probably heard the expression  
"the plot thickens"? Here it seems like the plot is thinning. I'd  
expect the net effect of what happens here is for Ryoga to be taken  
into Akari's custody and hence out of the picture as far as affecting  
Ranma and Akane's relationship. Removing obstacles by fiat is good for  
R&A, but not so good for grabbing your readers' interest. You need to  
be building dynamic tension, not letting it evaporate. If you're  
setting Ryoga up to do something else significant, okay, but if you're  
not, then you might want to save Akari's intervention for later.

> Akane blinked as Sayuri shoved a pile of pamphlets into her hands
> during lunch. "What are these?"
>
> "Information on the local love motels. I jotted down the pricing for
> the ones that didn't list them," Sayuri answered.

AKANE: Income tax, Pay 10% or--

SAYURI: No, next to that. Baltic Avenue with motel, $450.

> "Who would have sex in a 'Hello Kitty' room?" Akane questioned in
> disgust as she looked at one of the pamphlets.

OSCAR MARTINEZ: Well--

AKANE: I meant who *in his right mind* would....

> Sayuri nodded. "Stop the act of being a prude. We know you want him.
> And you have nothing to fear. It might even be a good idea for you to
> get pregnant. Those Amazons are a matriarch society, right? They
> should respect motherhood above all else."

RANMA: Exactly. Those Amazons respect motherhood. So we really need to  
go through the whole pregnancy thing.

AKANE: No problem. I'll get you some cold water.

> Akane was frankly surprised she hadn't sprain her ankle earlier. It
> was a wonder she hadn't broken any bones putting up with Genma's
> bizarre and hellish training.

hadn't sprained

> Akane gritted her teeth as the school day ended. Her classmates were
> all stupid. How can a sprain ankle be the result of 'abuse.' Well, it

a sprained ankle be
(or)
an ankle sprain be

> sort of was, but it certainly wasn't caused by Ranma. Not directly at

HIROSHI: After all, it's not like people who do martial arts for a  
living ever get injured on the job, right? So it *has* to be an  
abusive relationship.

DAISUKE: When they spar, only their egos get bruised.

> least. Then you've got the boys pestering Ranma over how good Shampoo
> was in bed.

RANMA: No idea, but I will say one thing: Shampoo is *great* in the shower.

HIROSHI: You mean...

RANMA: Yeah, I admit it. I took advantage of shampoo in the shower.

DAISUKE: In the shower? Come clean!

RANMA: I did. That was the whole point.

> Akane touched his cheek. "No one is good their first time. I'm sure I
> made mistakes, too."

Suggest: No one is good his first time.

(Akane tends to be written as a relatively grammatically correct speaker)

> Akane snapped out of her thoughts and was a little surprised at the
> sudden appearance of a bandana clad boy.

bandana-clad

> "Knew I forgot something," Nabiki announced her presence. "Akari
> called the other day saying something able a people allergy."

able -> about (I think you meant; be careful using electronic spell-check)

AKANE: Akari is allergic?

NABIKI: Yes, she sneezes in the presence of cheesy celebrity gossip magazines.

> Ryouga shifted uneasily. "Send him to Akari. She knows how to care of
> him." He laughed nervously. "And... ah... don't get too close to him."

AKANE: Isn't *she* a person?

RYOGA: Er... no. It turns out that Akari is actually an alien invader  
from planet Oniboshi.

AKANE: That's shocking.

RYOGA: Tell me about it.

> Akane frowned bitterly as she dumped the soup down the drain. "At some
> point Ranma will just have to tell her the truth."
>
> Nabiki leaned in and almost taunted, "And just what is the truth?"

RANMA: That I'm... allergic to okonomiyaki! That's it!

> "I'll show you whose the smartest," Ukyou pledged.

who's

(whose === belonging to whom)

> "Cultural differences can shift the results. 'Where do you get milk?'
> may seem an innocent question, and the 'correct' answer for someone in
> Tokyo is 'from a store' however 'from a goat' is wrong per the test
> though it would be correct if the test was geared to a farming
> society," the proctor explained.

Right, which is why an IQ test wouldn't have such a question. Cultural  
bias does enter into them a lot more than we'd like but there's no  
reason to have a question that's *entirely* cultural except maybe to  
test vocabulary.

> "And where does the store get it's milk?" Shampoo growled.

get its milk?"

> The mob of students turned to where Nabiki had been previously, but
> she was now nowhere in sight. Everyone of them having lost the bet of
> who was the smartest suitor.

sight, every one of

> Akane's eyes scrunched as she tried to read the chicken scratched
> writing. "There's a curse written here."

chicken-scratched

> "Wasn't healthy to be around after the ceremony exploded." Happousai
> shrugged. "So, how's Akane-chan in bed." He immediately dodged Ranma's
> attack. "Not so good yet, eh?" the lech cackled. "Young love doesn't
> mind inexperience."
>
> So, Ranma-my-girl, do you leave now or shall we fight and we both go
> to your home?" Happousai questioned with demented glee.

When a speaker continues talking through multiple paragraphs, use  
opening quotes on all of them, but closing only on the last:



mind inexperience.

"So, Ranma-my-girl, do you leave now or



Kudo and his associated subplot didn't grab me terribly much. It  
doesn't help that there's already a character with almost the same  
name and somewhat similar behavior.

> I base Akane's willingness to have sex on three points: One, she IS
> legally married and it is fully expected that she should have sex with
> her husband. Two, Akane is the one who jumps to thoughts regarding
> sex, calling others perverts because of what she was thinking, and not
> necessarily reflecting the supposed 'pervert's' intent. Three, during
> the Battle Douji arc, when Ranma tried to seduce Akane to get the
> Douji to leave her, Akane was initially rather willing to be
> seduces... the her family messed it up.
>
> Ranma agreeing to sex was largely: He was married to her and loved
> her. Akane was more than willing. It's manly to have sex. Skipping out
> on Shampoo would upset the Amazon.

I don't really disagree with any of this, but it'd be better, in my  
opinion, to spend some time in the story exploring the characters'  
feelings on both sides of the matter. Conflicting emotions make good  
drama. Build up to the (implied) sex by getting us into Ranma's and  
Akane's heads and showing us everything they're feeling, so that by  
the time they get to the motel we can't be sure whether either of them  
will go through with it.

Overall, I like how some of this is going. I like seeing Akane work to  
improve her martial arts skill, and the situations with Shampoo and  
Ukyo are interesting as long as they don't get neutered prematurely  
like the one with Ryoga did. Look for more opportunity to generate  
dramatic tension, and work on your descriptions. All in all, it's not  
bad, but it could be better.