[FFML] [fanfic][Ranma] Blackmail

[Gary Kleppe]

Why do I picture Ranma dressed like this guy?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrRZVCg31fE

RANMA: We'll be showing you more of that photograph later in the  
program unless we hear from Tatewaki or Mr. Mu.

On Thursday, April 19, 2012 07:39:28 PM June Geraci wrote:

> Sometime later, Ranma returned to the Tendo home.  His clothing was
> torn, his hair was coming out of its pigtail, and he was missing one
> shoe.  Kasumi emerged from the kitchen drying her hands, and dropped
> the towel on the floor.
>
> "What happened to you?"
>
> Ranma removed his remaining shoe and grimaced.  "Shampoo and Ukyo
> happened.  They ambushed me and got into a huge fight with each other
> about who was going to take me home with them.

KASUMI: That's awful!

RANMA: Tell me about it.

KASUMI: They should have fought over who was going to take you home with
*her!*

RANMA: Yeah, like I'm known for my fine command of the language. Yeesh.

> "My WHAT?"  Ranma tore the envelope open, and a bankbook fell out.
> Upon examination, Ranma discovered that the book had his name on it,
> and that there were several deposits.  He threw the book at Nabiki,
> who caught it gracefully.  "I don't want this.  You're cheating those
> folks out of their money by setting up trouble.  Maybe I should tell
> them what you're up to."
>
> "I wouldn't advise that."
>
> "Why the hell not?"
>
> Nabiki waved the book at him.  "How are you going to explain this?  It
> looks to me like you're a willing participant in this--how will it
> look to everyone else?"

RANMA: Easy. I had a change of heart, and decided to turn state's evidence.

> Ranma grabbed the book and shoved it in his pocket.  As he left the
> room, he looked over his shoulder, and the look in his eyes made
> Nabiki back up a step.
>
> "Damn you, Nabiki Tendo!"

RANMA: I'm Charlton Heston! Damn you all to hell!

No, seriously, he needs a better line here. This one is just too...  
generic. Alternatively, consider not having him say anything here, but  
use his internal narration to show us his thoughts and feelings.

> "Well get to it!"  Nabiki sounded rather impatient.  "I've got to
> start warning the shopkeepers."  The call was cut off, and Ranma
> shoved the phone in his pocket and continued to watch Shampoo.  When
> Mousse ducked into an alley he jumped from the roof and made sure he
> was standing right behind Shampoo when she made her delivery.  When
> she turned around, her reaction was predictable.
>
> "Airen!" she shouted, as she abandoned her bicycle and threw herself
> onto him.

RANMA: Oof! Talk about striking when the airen is hot!

SHAMPOO: Airen is *always* hot!

> When Ranma finally got home, Akane took one look at his condition and
> began yelling.
>
> "You've been in another fight!  Who was it this time?"
>
> She took a few steps closer to Ranma, who cringed as she examined him.
>
> "What's this on your neck?  Lipstick?  Who--wait a moment!  I
> recognize that perfume--you've been with Shampoo!"  Akane took a step
> back, crossed her arms, and glared at her fiancé.  "So you've been
> fighting with Mousse, then.  What's wrong with you?  Why can't you
> just stay away from her?  Why?  I HATE YOU!"

Having already seen the ending, I'm not sure if this whole scene is a  
put-on with them play-acting to fool Nabsy. If not, then this reaction  
seems rather extreme considering the degree of provocation. In the  
original, she does sometimes react this strongly, but generally only  
when some humorous misunderstanding makes it look as though Ranma is  
doing something really, really bad, something on the order of invading  
a changing room full of naked women or groping a teacher's breasts.

> The handwriting changed again, and Nabiki's heart sank when she
> realized who Akane and Ranma had gone to for help.
>
> ?First, Nabiki, I must say that I am extremely disappointed with you.
> I might even say that I am angry with you.  That being said, you need
> to know what has happened, and what will happen.  Akane and Ranma were
> very surprised when I told them that Ranma's first instinct--to tell
> the truth--was exactly what I recommended.  He and I visited everyone
> you sold your 'services' to.  Ranma told them about the money you had
> deposited in the bank for him, and offered to divide it between all of
> them, because he didn't want it.  To our surprise, when they saw the
> amount in the account, they laughed.  Evidently, the 'share' you gave
> Ranma was a very, very small portion of what you collected.  To quote
> some of the people we spoke to, Ranma was 'welcome to keep the money,
> as our thank you for exposing the scam'.

Sorry, but this ending really didn't work for me. It's like reading a  
fanfic where Charlie Brown and Linus go talk to Lucy's mom, who then  
takes away Lucy's football and scolds her for being too much of a  
fussbudget. That would be a reasonable thing to happen if we were  
talking about real-life kids, but there are very good reasons why no  
such thing would ever happen in the comic strip.

Likewise for Ranma, if he was a real person who had this happen to him  
then this would be exactly the way it ought to turn out. But as a  
fiction writer, your job is to give us the ending we need, not the one  
we want. The characters shouldn't get that happy-ever-after ending  
until they earn it by growing and overcoming some personal  
limitations, and while secondary characters can certainly help, they  
shouldn't essentially take over and force the situation.

I also wonder about Nabs. True, she's done some rather mean things,  
but she's usually canny enough not to sh** where she eats -- meaning  
that she doesn't launch plots that have a strong chance of backfiring  
and causing herself harm. Why be so careless now? Was she certain that  
Ranma would be too proud to ask Kasumi for help? Or that Kasumi, for  
whatever reason, wouldn't give it?

If you aren't ready to consider a completely different ending, then  
maybe it would help to show more of the characters' thoughts and  
feelings so we can understand their motivations. Perhaps at the  
beginning show Ranma viewing Nabby as a challenge which he feels  
obligated to meet himself, on its own terms, then later have him  
realize that he doesn't have to play by someone else's rules. Just a  
suggestion; you can probably come up with something better if you work  
at it. The point is to show Ranma earning that happy ending, not have  
it handed to him on the proberbial silver platter.

On the good side, the writing was very clean, free from mistakes and  
never bogged down. Some of it might benefit from a little more  
descriptive detail, especially where it would show the characters'  
thoughts and feelings.

As always, just take the above as one particularly fussbudgettty  
reader's opinion. Despite the misgivings above, I'm glad to see your  
work on the list. Don't stop writing, but don't stop working to make  
it better and better.