[FFML] Frozen Butterfly, Chapter 1 a BGC fic

[Gary Kleppe]

[FFML] Frozen Butterfly, Chapter 1 a BGC fic
skychan<skywize at gmail.com> wrote:

> As I lay there slowly remembering how to breathe I became aware of a
> background murmur, voices pinging in my mind, and just like that awareness
> snapped into clear understanding, the crisp tones of a man imperiously
> asking "why hasn't *it* opened its eyes yet, have you both failed and

asking, "Why

> wasted my time calling me down for this activation?"

> the image, my thoughts tracing the entire shape of a light fixture before
> realizing for the first time what I was looking at.  Panic began to fill my
> thoughts, this was the first thing I could recall seeing since, since,
> dinner, or was it driving home, I couldn't remember exactly  and suddenly
> being here, laying in a bed and as I forced myself to look to one side

lying

(Laying is when you do it to something else, e.g. bricks, eggs, ...)

> The slight smell of hydrocarbons and motor oil ? *Carbon 85% Hydrogen 12%
> Nitrogen 1% Oxygen 1% Sulfur 1% *? didn't and I couldn't recognize any of
> the machines specifically but I was laying on a bed, no strapped to one,

lying

Suggest: bed, no, strapped to one,

> the feel of nylon straps and thin sheets jumping to mind once I thought
> about it.  As I looked down strangely enough the world did not seem to
> shift or sway, my breath steady pulse even, despite seeing something that

breath steady, pulse even,

> just shouldn?t have been there.  Two, shapely, perky, lumps, that on
> reflection could only be a pair of breasts, my breasts rising up right
> where a flat chest should have been, shouldn't it?

DOCTOR: Your sex change operation went well, so within a few weeks...

SUPERVISOR: You idiot! This patient was here for a colonoscopy!

> Curiously enough I noticed both the ceiling and his fingers remained in
> perfect focus so detailed it was slightly dizzying adding the power of a
> headache to my response.  "Yes, of course I can speak, what's going on,
> where am I?" irritation and upset slipping into my voice, my subtly wrong

where am I?" I said, irritation and upset slipping into my voice,

or

where am I?" Irritation and upset slipped into my voice,

> look over at the pair revealed him wearing an almost stereotypical white
> overcoat.   "Congratulations, it appears you've been successful."  His tone
> was dry, something telling me that well-wishing was the last thing on his
> mind as he went on.  "I will want an update on the status of the project by
> the end of the day."  Then with a brisk nod he spun on his heal and was out

heel

the door before I could think of blinking.

> My indignation rising at being so ignored, dismissed without even a glance,
> I turned my head, again a very deliberate motion the act seeming almost
> unnatural to watch the doctor slowly rise out of a deep bow towards the
> clang of the door falling shut in his superiors wake.

superior's

That's a rather long and winding sentence. Consider separating it into  
multiple ones.

> He was also
> Japanese, a rail thin man, with balding hair in a poor comb over and thin

rail-thin

> glasses, *probability of being single 74%.*

Um... so?

*Probability of being wealthy 82.3%. Suggested action: Ask for date.  
Obtain marriage proposal.*

(Are we to assume this guy is in his twenties? If he's middle-aged,  
why couldn't he be someone who got married decades ago back when he  
was young and reasonably attractive?)

> I spoke up.  "Well, are you
> going to say anything?" my voice biting and colder than I remember being

suggest

anything?" I said, my voice biting and

or

anything?" My voice was biting and

capable of, but with just the right level of bite to make him respond.

> The man jerked up looking over at me, his face twitching slightly in
> surprise but showing little reaction beyond that.  Somehow knew he was

Suggest: I somehow knew he was

> pleased, it was strange, I had never seen him before and certainly he
> wasn't smiling but as I lay there, looking at him I kept fixating on the
> crinkle of eyelid here, the twitch of cheek there, and his changing pulse
> and I was sure, *87.5%* certain I told myself, that he was pleasantly

Suggest: sure, *87.5% certain,* I told myself,

> "Oh yes, please to excuse me."  He said, his smile growing fully visible to

me," he said, his

> my eyes.  "My name is Sutekina san."  He paused then, as if to get his

Sutekina-san."

> Either he was a naturally patient man or all these thoughts took not time

SUTEKINA: No, YOU patient, me doctor.

PATIENT: But... my body, Doctor!

SUTEKINA: Your body not doctor, your body patient. ALBATROSS!

> "Yes, that's normal, even for standard models, it takes some time for the
> neural architecture to pattern natural reactions and movements into the
> body.  However we've made quite a bit of progress and I don't believe you
> will have any real difficulty.  Now then, do you recall signing up for
> cryogenics?"  His giddiness only tempered by the need to continue

cryogenics?" he said, his giddiness only tempered

or

cryogenics?"  His giddiness was only tempered

> explaining as I nodded once more, this time with only a little attention to
> the motion too many troubling thoughts in the back of my mind to make sense

motion, too

> of all his, and my physiological responses.

Suggest: his, and my, physiological

> "Well then, good, your body died in late 2012, from an automobile accident.

"Well then, good. Your

> of the test design specifications that your mind and free will be entirely
> un-tampered with.  It is only the hardware that?"  I think he might have
> gone on but a rather harried individual *probability of anxiety 80%*,
> younger, with much better personal grooming entered the room at an
> indecorous pace.   "That?s quite enough for now doctor why don't you let

now, Doctor, why don't

> him adjust for an hour or two and rest."  Flashing me an insincere smile I
> suspected he hadn't just referred to my old gender by mistake due to
> listening in this time almost able to feel myself making the subconscious
> calculations on his sincerity.

Another sentence that seems unnecessarily complex. If this isn't done  
deliberately as an indication of our hero's state of mind then you may  
want to split it up.

> "We'll be back to speak with you more in a
> little while Ms. Ceallaigh, until then just relax, and let us know if you

while, Ms. Ceallaigh. Until

> have any problems or are uncomfortable." ? S*ubject gestures of concern

*Subject

> false 99% probable.*

> Virtually dragging Dr. Sutekina out of the room with him I was quickly left
> alone, still strapped down, and left to think about my situation in the
> echoes of the closing door.

Suggest:

He virtually dragged Dr. Sutekina out of the room with him, and I was  
quickly left

> I would have called it dull, but surprisingly
> as I lay there going over what had happened, analyzing it moment by moment,

as I lie there

> It was like? learning to golf, stand like this, keep your eye on the ball,
> swing just so, and if you don't pay attention to every little movement
> you're going to slice like mad and there goes another ball into the
> weeds.  This
> felt just the same, but with a little less swing and a much better
> kinesthesia.

GEORGE CARLIN: And without the dorky hat and plaid knickers.

> I spent maybe half an hour just moving within the confines
> allowed to me, but already things were beginning to feel more, natural,

more natural,
(don't need a comma there)

> From just seeing my delicate fingers wiggling from the cuffs holding me to
> the bed I looked perfectly human.  My fingers felt normal as I rubbed them
> together.  The first discrepancy came when pinching my hip didn't bring a
> yelp of pain, but still I knew it hurt, could feel the pain and certainly
> wasn't eager to prolong the experience it just didn't keep me from thinking

Suggest: experience, it

> "Stop that, you'll damage yourself." He snapped out sounding annoyed.  "Don't

yourself," he snapped out, sounding

(What did he snap out? Presumably he snapped out the words "Stop  
that..." The quoted phrase is the object of the verb and therefore is  
punctuated as part of the same sentence. Compare these:

"Bite me, ya jerk," he spat.

"Ugh, there's a bad taste in my mouth." He spat.)

> "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you or anything, I was just, testing
> myself a little, there weren't cyberdroids when I di- was frozen remember."

frozen, remember."

> I wasn't quite sure why I felt the need to defend myself, a nervous tension
> floating through my body and a slight sickness to my stomach joining a
> blush on my cheeks.

Suggest:

I wasn't quite sure why I felt the need to defend myself. A nervous tension
floated through my body and a slight sickness to my stomach joined a  
blush on my cheeks.

> "I see, forgive me, you are the first recovery I've been in charge of and I
> forgot that there are some things you wouldn't know." *Subject insincere
> 92% probability.  *Assuming a lecturing stance he went on.  "It would be

probability.*  Assuming
(put the italic marker in the right place)

> best to go over what will happen in the next few days and your new bodies

body's

> capabilities.  For most purposes you may treat it as you would your own,
> however be aware it needs far less food.  Your current needs will be met
> directly through an IV solution specifically formulated to meet it's needs.

its needs.

(It's is used for it is, it was, etc. Its as a possessive pronoun  
doesn't get an apostrophe for the same reason that his and hers don't.)

> Later some food will be necessary to facilitate the chemical reactions that
> allow the proper function of your system. You can plug in directly to power
> your functions, but energy alone will not support your systems indefinitely
> and your model was not designed with that in mind.  You are a class 33-S
> and as such far more biological in nature than most designs.  Your body

DOCTOR: On the other hand, that model comes with some great  
pre-installed apps. How about a game of Sudoku?

> requires down time for "sleep" an autonomous maintenance cycle.

DOCTOR: Furthermore, for a few days every month... no, on second  
thought I don't think you need to hear about this just yet.

> wasn?t.  At best I was a beta test butterfly hoping none of the bugs would
> be large and vicious enough to eat me before I could spread my wings.

DOCTOR: Right, and you got stepped on several years in the past,  
causing a disruption in the space-time continuum which expanded  
outward into ever-widening changes....


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Interesting so far. I know very little about BGC but I'd like to see  
where this goes. The writing style isn't bad, just remember that  
longer sentences aren't necessarily better, and look for places where  
you can spice it up with a few well-chosen descriptive metaphors. Good  
luck!