[FFML] [SHnY] The Score of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Brian Randall]

On Mon, Sep 5, 2011 at 8:05 AM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> "That's enough Suzumiya." I walked over to them. "Isn't it obvious that
> you're scaring her? Let's go before you leave her emotionally scared for
> life."

Missing a comma before Haruhi's name.

> "Close the door." The girl's voice quavered in a whisper.

I think these two are attached, so it should be:

door."  The -- door," the

> "Of course I believe you. That is exactly the sort of super power I want
> in my club. I'm Suzumiya Suzumiya, action girl, and this is my boy hostage,
> Kyon."

Haruhi: The Suzumiya-Suzumiya empire is SUPERIOR!
Aisha Clan-Clan: ...hey!  Wait a minute!

(Should be 'Haruhi Suzumiya', probably.)

> Suzumiya reached from behind to grab the other girl's chest. "She's so
> small and cute, but she has a bigger pair than I do! And they're real!
> Having her around is sure to attract the sorts of villains who swing the
> other way from you, Kyon."

Out of curiosity, why do you always make Kyon so much of a buttmonkey?
 Or do you just not care for the Kyon/Haruhi relationship, and that's
why you make her so unlikable?

I'll admit, it makes it very hard for me to get into your stories....
Granted, you are consistent; I'm just curious about the reasons for
your characterizations.

> Tsuruya took two steps backwards to the open door then bowed. "My
> compliments to your teacher, Miss Suzumiya. Please take good care of
> Mikuru-chan."

I'm only pointing it out here, though it applies throughout;

You've got 'Miss' and '-chan' in the same sentence.  Technically, it's
not too bad a case of mix-and-match, since they aren't remotely
equivalent honorifics, but it does stick out to me.

> "I'm self taught."

I think 'self-taught' is hyphenated.

> Miss Asahina looked around the clubroom. Miss Nagato was still hiding
> behind her book and I just shrugged.
>
> Suzumiya advanced to use her slight height advantage to stare down at Miss
> Asahina. "Look, I can tell that you have some sort of special power. Tell
> me about it."
>
> "But there's nothing unusual about me."
>
> My pity for the newcomer overcame my fear. "Forget it, Suzumiya, she's not
> going to play your game."

Indifference to non-indifference, in four paragraphs.  I don't see
what prompted his change of heart here.  Should Mikuru have a more
pitiable reaction?

> "Fine, you're free to go for now." Suzumiya unlocked and opened the
> door. "But Mikuru."

But Mikuru. -- But, Mikuru

> My mother seemed especially pleased as she brought tea and snacks to the
> living room. She even got Suzumiya to call her "Mother".

I think you can use single-quotes here, since it's not dialog, but
consistency is key.

> "To keep you out of cram school of course. Your grades are horrible and
> I'd rather not have you wandering out of my sight for several hours each
> day." She disengaged from me, waved and walked off, with a big smile on
> her face.

Haruhi: Can't miss a chance to remind Kyon he's a loser!
Kyon: I did notice who was writing this fic, yes.  Do you think you
could add some hints of dere-dere to your tsun-tsun?
Haruhi: That's so boring -- I'm trying for something new: yan-tsun!
Kyon: ...kill me now.
Ryouko: How disappointing!  That's exactly what all of her other
boyfriends said!

> On Friday afternoon I opened the door to the clubroom to the sound of Miss
> Asahina's shriek. She was changing out of her school uniform.

This is a bit stilted.  Probably would work a bit better if we saw
what Kyon got an eyefull of (even if it's vague).  It'd even make
sense, since this Kyon is evidently doomed to be attracted to Haruhi
for some reason.  He was evidently lusting after Ryouko, too?

So now that there's Mikuru, he just jumps away.  If you want to put
emphasis on him not staring because Haruhi's there, then that could
work too, but could use more detail.

> I made my exit. There had been a strange note in my shoe locker that
> morning and this seemed as good a time as any to follow it up.

It occurs to me that this Haruhi had to have had a different (vastly)
introduction at the beginning of the year.  That might warrant
exploration, since it seems to have changed Kyon a bit, too.

If there were any other spelling or grammar errors, I didn't catch them.

I hope this was helpful.

> -HJC

-- 
Brian Randall
--
Yrne awaits those with the courage to seek it.
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, on my
terrible webpage:
http://pishoque.net/brian/