No subject

insatiable.  I could say much about where I came from, how I was made,
who I was built to look like, but these were mere facts and ideas.  They
were disconnected, unfocused.  The major was looking for a coherent
narrative, but I--

"Well?"  The steel gun barrel bore down on me.  "Speak already!"

I looked away.  "I cannot."

"Wrong answer!"

"It is the _only_ answer," I said.  "You're right, Major Katsuragi--I am
the key to things.  The Commander has told me this so many times I can't
remember.  He tells me I have a purpose.  He tries to make it sound
like he needs me, but I need him as much, if not more.  Without him, I
wouldn't be alive."

The major grimaced.  "I know all about that."

"You don't," I said, "but that's not the point.  I know how you
feel--that you've been working toward a goal you don't know.  I know
because I'm the same."

"Impossible!" she said.  "Stop that; don't lie to me!"

"We _are_ the same," I said, standing, though I was weak on my feet.
"I have a purpose, but I know not what it is.  When the time comes, I
imagine Commander Ikari will take me and use me, then he'll end me, and
I'll cease to be."

"Then you have no reason to keep it a secret!"

"But I don't know why.  I've followed him; I've obeyed him.  I thought
once he might enjoy my presence, but I'm just a tool, and my obedience
is blind.  I don't know anything about he's planning, and I have only
the vaguest idea of what he wants.  Beyond that..."

"No..."  The major shook her head, trembling.  "I won't believe that; I
won't accept that!"

"It's the truth."

BANG-BANG-BANG!  Three shell casings clinked on the tile.  I peered over
my shoulder.  The major had put three holes in her cabinets, splintering
the wood.

"Don't lie to me, Rei!" said the major.  "You know more than you're
letting on--I know it!"  She held the gun with both hands, lining up her
shot with her right eye.  "Those shots were warnings.  This one won't
be.  You've already proven to me you want to live; you wouldn't have
kicked your way free if you hadn't.  Do what you have to do to survive
now.  Do what I need you to do, or there will be more meaningless
bloodshed!"

The major was right; I'd expressed a desire to live, but that was a
very different thing from being willing to speak.  The Commander had
controlled me.  The Commander had managed every aspect of my life.  He
still does.  And maybe, in the major's mind, that would give me reason
to betray him, to divulge what can't be taken back, but for me, that was
the life I was forced to live, one I couldn't escape even by the major's
bullets.  While the Commander needed me there, I would cope however I
needed to.  For a long time, all I thought I needed was the Commander's
smile.  Staring down the length of the major's gun barrel, I thought I
saw it, too.

"Major Katsuragi, I will say no more.  You may shoot when ready."

She glared.  "So it is, then."  She touched the tip of the gun to my
forehead.  I closed my eyes, and--

Thump-thump-thump.  The major twitched.  She looked to the entryway,
where the table holding the door in place rattled.  "Misato-san?" cried
a voice outside.  "Ayanami?  Answer me, please!  We heard gunshots out
here!"

"Shinji-kun?" said the major.  She looked about the kitchen, the living
room, the cracked glass of the balcony door.  "Oh gods, when he sees
this..."

"Boy, stand aside!" came a harsh voice outside.

"But this is my home; I have to go in there!"

"Stand aside!  Team Three, move in with me on my signal, use of lethal
force is authorized..."

The major steeled herself.  "Shinji-kun brought friends I see.  That's
your doing?"

I nodded.

"He doesn't like to see the people he cares about get hurt."

BANG!  There was a commotion, movement.  The voices outside grew louder.
The soldiers outside, I guessed, had taken a battering ram to the door.

There was a pressure on my head; the major's gun was cold and unmoving.

"Major Katsuragi?" I said.

"Don't worry, Rei," she said, her gaze fixed on the entrance corridor.
"This is the end."

A tear fell down her cheek.

"Not for you, though."  With a grim look, the major ejected the clip
from her pistol and pulled the slide to eject the unspent cartridge.
She left both on the counter and sat on the floor, the brown puddle of
beer beside her, her leggings stained and torn.  "I guess this is for
the best."

"I fail to see how that could be, major."

"It's like you said, if any of it was true, we're in the dark, both of
us.  Pathetic, isn't it?  We're used like puppets, like little dolls for
children to play with, and where you went along with it because you had
nothing else, where I--I kept going on anger.  Kill the Angels; nothing
else mattered!  And whatever I had to look past to make it happen,
whoever had to _die_ to make it happen, it was good!  It was just; it
was fair!"  Her arm went limp beside her.  She choked on her own sobs.
"Kaji-kun's gone because of that," she said, "and I wonder--did he
stay with all this for so long to look out for me?  If I'd been more
careful... well, it doesn't matter now.  It's over.  If Commander Ikari
should take me, if the Human Instrumentality Committee or whatever they
call themselves should have me killed, I don't think I'd mind.  I did my
best by Kaji-kun.  I guess there's only one thing I'd really regret."

BANG!

"What's that?"

"That I left such a mess for Shinji-kun to clean up."  She laughed.  "He
really likes to clean, you know."

Yes, major.  I know that well.

BANG!  "Go, go, go!"

The soldiers swarmed in, bearing bulletproof vests, helmets, goggles,
and polished rifles.  They entered the kitchen and fanned out, with
three men holding us at gunpoint while the others searched the premises.

"Major," said one with a gold stripe on his helmet, "what's going on
here?"

"It's me you want," she said, refusing holding her arms over her head.
"Go on."

"Excuse me?"

"I've committed a crime against a protected person," she told the
officer.  "You're here to take me in."

The soldiers looked at each other.  As their comrades radioed back,
signaling that the apartment was clear of other disturbances, the leader
fingered a pair of handcuffs at his waist and, at last, decided to open
them.

"Major Katsuragi," he said, "I place you--"

"Wait."  I stepped forward.  "The major is mistaken."

The major rose.  "Rei, what are you doing?"

I looked to the entrance corridor.  Someone had crept in after the
soldiers; he was watching us, judging us, and I watched him in return.

"The major is grieving," I said.  "She does not think clearly.  I also
think she's had too much alcohol."

"But your injuries!" said the soldier in the gold-striped helmet.  "Your
lips are blue!"

I kept my gaze on the boy in the corridor.

"I'm fine," I said.

In due time, the major and I crafted a story suitable for the soldiers
to digest.  As we were debriefed outside the major's apartment,
paramedics wrapped me in a warming blanket and gave me something warm to
drink.  Something called _hot chocolate_.  I'd never had it before.

Nor had Ikari-kun.  He sat with me, in the back of the ambulance.  I
don't think he knew what to say.

"Rei."  The major approached, in her stockings, and bowed at the waist.
"I owe you an apology."

"You are free to go?" I asked.

"I'll be questioned, I imagine, but for now, I'm safe.  Can I ask you
something though?"

I nodded.

"Why did you do that?"

I sipped the hot chocolate.  "Because we are the same."

"Ah.  Well, I might not be so deserving of such kindness, but thank you.
Really."

I nodded again.

"Actually," she said, "there is one more thing--"

"Hold on, Misato-san!" said Ikari-kun.  "After what Ayanami's been
through--"

"It's all right," I said.  "The major may ask her question."

"You said you didn't know what _he_ was up to," said the major, "but
what do you think it could be?"

I stiffened.  "Ikari-kun."

"Yes?"

"Excuse us for a moment."

Reluctantly, Ikari-kun climbed out of the ambulance and strolled to the
sidewalk, looking up toward the major's apartment.  The major watched
him for a moment, then stepped closer.

"He wants to see his wife again," I told the major.

"His wife?  Shinji-kun's mother, then?"

"Indeed."

"Strange," said the major.  "Shinji-kun doesn't have a picture of her,
doesn't remember her.  I don't even know what she looked like."

"You do," I said.

She blinked.

"You just don't know it yet."

Thankfully, the major's curiosity was sated, at least for a time, and
when the paramedics told me my temperature was healthy again, I didn't
find the major there.  Ikari-kun was still outside, though, waiting for
me on the sidewalk.

"I still can't believe it," he said.  "That Misato-san would to this to
you, that Kaji-san is gone.  Are you really okay?"

I couldn't say.  People were such puzzling creatures.  Like Ikari-kun,
I'd never seen Major Katsuragi behave as she had that afternoon, and
her erratic plans could only be considered direct consequences of
Inspector Kaji's death.  The class representative, too--in absence of
Suzuhara-kun, she cares for Soryu, even if she gets only token words
of appreciation in return.

"Don't be like me," she'd said.  "I moved too slowly with Suzuhara."

I'd wondered what that could mean, what she was telling me to do, and
in that moment, on the sidewalk with Ikari-kun, I thought I understood:
people have a drive to engage each other, to interact.  There are people
we enjoy interacting with more than others, whom we seek out even when
they're not looking for us, when their thoughts are elsewhere.  And
if there is one such person whom we enjoy above all others, then that
person's absence and death incites nothing short of madness.

Or, more simply, it caused the major's tears.  The way people show their
attachments, show their feelings--a smile alone wasn't enough.  I'd seen
how they do it, and maybe, I hoped, it would ease the chill of that
refrigerator from my heart.

"Ayanami?  Hey, do you need to sit down?  Should we get you back to the
ambulance?"

"No," I said.  "I'll be fine."

"But you still--umph!"

His voice was muffled, the sound unintelligible.  It's difficult, I
imagine, to enunciate clearly when one's lips are touched to another's.
I was right--it was warm.  The air from Ikari-kun's nose tickled my
skin.  Ikari-kun shut his eyes tightly, and a gust of wind ruffled his
hair.  After a moment's hesitation, he touched my shoulder with a slight
pressure.  I stepped back, and we separated.

It was done--something outside of my purpose, something Ikari Yui would
never have done.  It was an expression to Ikari-kun of what was inside
me, what could not be described in words.

"Ayanami," he said at last, "it's not--I mean I don't--that is--" He
scratched his head, his face twisting in helpless, panicked expression.
"I don't know..."

"You don't have to say anything."

"I don't think I could.  That was... different."

" 'Different'?"

"Yeah!  I mean, different from Asuka..."

Soryu?

"Ah, no, I--I didn't mean it like that!  Honest!"

A car drove by, breaking the stillness, and I felt the current of air
blow by us on the sidewalk.  The mathematics of the situation were
simple.  If attachments could be measured with numbers, no two would
likely be equal.  One must be greater than the other.  One must be
first, and I...

I wasn't.  I knew that because, though Soryu to my eyes rarely
returned Ikari-kun's kindness, he worried for her.  He cared for her.
He didn't need it to be reciprocated.

"Are you okay?" he asked.  "It's getting late; can I walk you home?"

I shook my head gently and walked off, into twilight.  It's night now,
and I've tried for some time to stare into the darkness and stop--to
stop thinking, to stop breathing, to be still as to simply not be, but
as within the refrigerator, I find I can't accept it.  I can't stop
being just by will alone.  I think back to the events of the day, as
I've recorded them here, and how I've changed because of them.  I'm not
the same person who woke up this morning, and I don't know what that
means.

Daylight's coming.  Through my window, I see a halo over the mountains.

I think it's an Angel.