[FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, Ch. 6

[Arthur Hansen]

On Thu, May 19, 2011 at 3:09 PM, Andrew Dynon <adynon at internode.on.net> wrote:
{snip}

I know I'm going to sound like a broken record... but the
descriptiveness in this chapter went beyond minimalism. And then the
shifting first person perspective didn't help. I've always been a
believer in 3rd person narration unless the *scene* needs first person
narration. Really, the only time I've seen 1st person narration work
is usually pulp private investigators introducing important plot
points in a vaguely interesting way of Info-Dump or if it you use it
to show why someone is apparently going nuts and making insane
decisions, to let you understand their POV that can not be easily
explained in their person.

But even gum-shoe detective stories usually switch to 3rd person
narration when there's more than three people around.

"We returned to our ship."

This is incredibly dull and doesn't really show us anything about the
ships. Is it a big, ominous black ship with MS bays on its back and
shaped like a preying mantis? Or does it evoke a flat-angled
ocean-going missile cruiser and is covered in long range bombardment
cannons?


We are getting a lot of names thrown at us at times and nothing that
triggers 'oh, that's the nervous doctor that wears glasses as an
affection' or the slightly tubby commander with a crew-cut and
mustache that is desperately trying to not show he's too old to
command.

I saw some other formatting bugs, but I think that was 'smart'
punctuation copying of "..." that defaulted to a single "." and
disrupted the flow of the conversation.

While there is definitely supposed to be some very intense emotions
shown, it didn't *evoke* those emotions to me that well.

YMMV!

-- 
Arthur Hansen