[FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, Chapter 3 (2nd draft)

[Arthur Hansen]

On Sat, Mar 19, 2011 at 9:51 PM, Andrew Dynon <adynon at internode.on.net> wrote:
> (NOTES: Okay, just some minor revisions and formatting fixes here.  With the
> controversy over my use of "Ojousama" in the last draft, I switched to
> "Young Mistress" here, although the term still feels clumsy to me)

That might be because while its English... its not very American, if
that makes sense.

Re-reading (for the third time) I noticed the plot does seem to be
moving forward decently, but that your descriptors at some points are
actually very limited.

"At Sparta Base" ... really doesn't tell us what the base looks like.
Is it a super-building (all in one building) base of high-tech
concrete? Is it groups of buildings (much like real army bases are
now) with the young clones? You don't hit any descriptors for the
characters there either.

That last scene actually doesn't set it at all. There are two 'named'
people that we get no idea what they look like, a vague display
showing the battle (LCD screen? Floating 3D display?)

I'd assume that the commander of a enhanced super-soldier like Athene
Gold would have been given instructions (orders) on how to make them
not go bug nuts (ie. make them do something that burn adrenaline)
though it might be a bit different from commander to commander (like
say motorbike racing, parachute diving, etc.)

I look forward to how you go over some things like the thruster
technology that would be required to get a ship from Earth to Mars in
only four weeks (advanced nuclear thrusters? Generic 'energy
thrusters'?) and maybe revisiting what Bio-tech *can* do for people. I
mean, we can nearly clone someone in real life and are looking at
regrowing organs from stem-cells. Maybe they can actually repair that
damage to Athene Gold (or they could if they cared).

Scarring might be less in a future with this technology though.

-- 
Arthur Hansen