[FFML] SOS Brigade in _____

[Brian Randall]

On Jun 14, 2011, at 9:41 AM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:

> On Tue, Jun 14, 2011 at 8:34 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>> With some small amount of trepidation, I offer what commentary I can.  Ignore it if it's not helpful.
> 
> Thanks for the help and my apologies for my rotten grammar.

Being honest, I think your grammar is usually fine -- this looked like it just didn't get a throughout proofing because it was a shorter story.

>> Aw ... so Mikuru had their Shadows killed?
> 
> Nope. Kyon and Haruhi versions 1.0 for this world died as part of a
> local disaster that was caused as a result of the battle between their
> originals spilling over random shadows to Earth.
> 
> When you recover a known living person from the rubble there's no
> point in running a DNA test.
> 
> I couldn't figure out how to show this other than having Kyon stumble
> over his own corpse. (Perhaps his little sister could drop a line
> about watching him die?)

Eh, things would get weird if it came from her, since they have different eye colors.  If you want the disaster element, then it's probably easiest to start with a dim flashback to seeing that body (or play it sneakier, have him see Haruhi's).  And if it needs to come up, Ryouko can easily offer whatever vilainous exposition is required.

> The biggest difference from the Amber series here is that Court
> decedents age very slowly from a young age.  Therefore Flora has had
> many many years to establish her base on Earth, even though she seems
> to be around 17. This allows the hyper-competent teenager meme to be
> far more sensible than usual.

Hmm, well, considering how many of her associates and allies are on scene, I suspect she won't stick out that badly anyway. >_>

> As for the length, it was too long and too short of course.

More a question of focus, I think.  It's an interesting start, but feels a bit long for a spamfic (or a prologue).  I'm pretty sure you don't intend to carry it further, so, yeah, I would suggest trimming it down a bit and refining what's left -- but that didn't stop me from enjoying it. ;)

> As a warning, I may do something else on Haruhi some day. There are
> lots of series with the world as information. So Miss Suzumiya, watch
> your back for Agent Smith, Section Nine and cylons.

Not sure why no one crosses Inception over with Haruhi, really.  Seems so obvious, yet never seen it done well....

> -HJC

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