[FFML] SOS Brigade in _____

[Brian Randall]

With some small amount of trepidation, I offer what commentary I can.  Ignore it if it's not helpful.

On Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 11:38 PM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
> SOS Brigade in _____
> By Henry J. Cobb
> 
> [Another two series that must never be combined and especially not with
> reference to current events. Oh the horror!. And yes, the full title would
> give the game away. -HJC]

Current events?

> I awoke in a bed. There was something unusual about that, but I couldn't
> put my finger on it. The room was clearly unfamiliar. I could tell that I
> had never seen it before. As I sat up I saw that under the white sheet I
> wore a thin shirt.

If he has amnesia, I'm putting 10$ on Zelazny's Prince of Amber series.  Too beloved by fic writers to pass up.

Though, somewhat against me is the fact that amnesia is now trending up in Haruhi fics in general.

> I turned to the sound of the voice. A girl was sitting in a chair. Her
> simple pink uniform did little to conceal curves that seemed too generous
> for a teenager, and yet somehow it was almost familiar, as was her face. I
> noticed that I was wearing pants that matched my shirt as I turned around
> to sit on the edge of the bed, "Who are you?"

The 'it' in the second line seems to be referring to Mikuru's curves.  Was it her uniform that Kyon's supposed to find familiar?

> "You don't know me?" The girl stepped up to place her palm on my forehead,
> "Your fever has gone down. Oh, my apologies, of course we've never met.
> My name is Mikuru Asahina."

I mean this nicely, but I'm not going to point out every instance of dialogue/narration spillover, since this is something I've pointed out for you a lot already.  But: There's no speech indicator, and you have narration leading into dialogue.  (Those are two separate sentences, because there's no speech indicator to link them.)

> "And I'm..." I could almost feel it, "I'm sorry, I don't know who I am."

Exactly the same thing here.

> "Well your family should be by in a little while. Let me go tell the
> doctors that you are awake. I'll be by later with something to eat."

Well your -- Well, your

> As she spoke I suddenly felt my appetite, "Yes, please."

That narration/dialog thing again....

> I was left with my own thoughts for a while, such as they were. Who was I?
> Where was I? Why was I here? I lay down and looked out the window. The
> sky was blue. I could tell that to be a useful fact somehow, but I didn't
> know why that would be useful. At least after sundown, if there was a
> sundown, I could count the moons and compare the constellations. And why
> would that be useful?

Yeah, I think I got this.

> "Now dear," A woman walked in past a man was holding the door open, "We're
> all happy to see that your brother has woken up, but he's just woken
> up. He's still badly hurt."

This paragraph is made up of four sentences, but only has enough punctuation for two.
'Dear' is a form of address, and should have a comma before it.  There's probably some rule about capitalizing it if you're using it in place of a proper name, but honestly, I haven't had my coffee yet, and am totally obsessing over punctuation.

> "Oh!" Miss Asahina was standing outside the door and turned away from a
> middle aged man in a white coat and dark pants, "Just a minute sir. I'll
> get your lunch!" She walked off.

Same as above, with regards to 'Sir'.

> The man who was holding the door open turned to the man in the white coat,
> "What's his condition doctor?"

And again with regards to 'Doctor'.

> "Well physically he seems to be fine," the doctor entered the room and bent
> down to examine my face, "But he seems to have lost his memory from the
> shock. We'll keep him here one more day for observations and then you can
> take him home. Perhaps the familiar setting will help his memory."

Well physically -- Well, physically

observation -- observations (you are technically correct that it's multiple 'observations', but that whole period under which the observations are taking place are covered by the blanket event, 'observation'.  (Crazy nuance.))

> "Now dear," her mother grabbed the girl's arms and pried them away from me,
> "Your brother is still very tired. Let's let him rest until tomorrow."

Same comment regarding 'dear'.

> "Okay, but you better be better then Kyon," the little girl who claimed to
> be my sister took one last look at me then allowed herself to be escorted
> away.

Corwin: I'm _way_ better than Kyon.
Haruhi: Willing to bet on that?
Corwin: I can be a GREAT Kyon.
Haruhi: Ah, I see you've learned that I get what I want!
Corwin: ...Merlin, Ghostwheel; I need to call in a favor.

Ah, but seriously:

A comma is missing before 'Kyon'.

> The family left and I was left alone again. There was something in their
> claim to kinship with me that was very offensive. They were somehow
> reaching far above their station with that claim. It was such a familiar
> feeling, but not from these people, whom I was now very sure that I had
> never met before.

Suggest dropping second instance of 'left' from the first sentence.

> What was I to be so high above the common people? Was I a prince? I
> laughed at the thought.

Indeed, very amusing.

> Miss Asahina sat down in the only chair again. I found myself admiring her
> curves while her glance was distracted. Then I mentally cursed
> myself. There was something foolish about the distraction and something
> forbidden. Again I felt a familiarity towards her I hadn't felt towards the
> others, not even my so called sister.

Hmm, then again -- all of the powers tend to be related in Amber, so I guess ... probably _any_ matchup is going to involve incest -- except (ironically) with his so-called 'sister'.

so called -- so-cal'ed

> "I'm volunteering at this private hospital during the emergency," She
> smoothed out her skirt.

I'm guessing the current event is the Sendai earthquake?  That's ... pretty far from Nishinomiya.  (I also would have thougt 'recent' events instead of 'current' events, but I'm a stickler for things like that).

> "Democracy? That is never stable. The people suffer under the jackals who
> weasel their way in until eventually giving their full support to whichever
> lion chases the scoundrels out."
> 
> "Are you done with that?"

Kyon: Talking dismissively about our culture?
Mikuru: ...well, hopefully that, too, but I meant your dinner.

> I looked down. I had eaten everything on the tray. I wasn't stuffed, just
> satisfied, "Yes of course."

Yes of -- Yes, of

> "I'll bring you a book of the history of this land," she left and returned
> later with the book.
> 
> She waited for a moment as I looked at the book. There were strange symbols
> on the cover. There were part of a language that I had never seen before,
> but somehow I was working out their meanings from first principles.

Somehow, considering that it implies a passage of time that's evidently negligable, I would suggest dropping 'later' from the first line, or replace it with 'shortly'.

> The next day Miss Asahina showed me how to work the shower then left. When
> I got out I found a fresh change of clothes laid out on my bed. I dressed
> myself then finished the book just before my so-called family arrived.

shower then left -- shower, then left

Huh, here I note you already have so-called hyphenated.

> I turned towards a somehow familiar girl's voice and reached for something
> at my side, but my fingers closed on air. What did I usually carry there?

Hmm....

> "I'm hungry too Kyon. Let's go!" My so-called sister tugged at my sleeve.

hungry too Kyon -- hungry, too, Kyon

> Outside there were not the horses from the history book but enclosed
> self-propelled carriages. I entered the same one as my pseudo-family and the
> father controlled the motion of the device with a wheel. The little girl
> took the seat beside me and shouted out, "Let's go someplace nearby, I'm
> hungry!"

Somehow, it feels like it would be more natural to put single-quotes around 'the father' in this passage.

> "Now dear," Her mother said, "We're going to your brother's favorite
> restaurant."

And again on the 'dear' nickname.

> "Oh yes yes!" The girl bounced in her seat, "Hurry hurry!" Then she turned
> towards me, "Say Kyon. I saw the way that nurse blushed at you. Is she your
> girlfriend?"

There are four missing commas, here.  And the one after 'me' shouldn't be there.

> "Look dear, you're giving your brother a headache again."

Once more on comma/capitalization.

> "I'm sorry mom. I'll be quiet," the young girl turned to me, "That's okay
> Kyon?"

Should be a comma before 'mom', and it should be capitalized.

> She unbuckled her seat belt, leaned over to rest her head in my lap, then
> dozed off oblivious to the motion of our vehicle.

off oblivious -- off, oblivious

> At the restaurant the little girl ordered for me and practically threw the
> food into my mouth, "You like this and this and this," she made selections
> from dishes I was sure I had not seen in a long time, perhaps forever. This
> little sister was starting to grow on me. I was sure that the situation was
> all a trap, but it was a good one. My complements to the designer of the
> trap and the chief, but perhaps that last one was just because I hadn't
> eaten in a while and everything was new.

Not sure why, but I think the part about 'This little sister was starting to grow on me.', would be a good place to start a new paragraph.

> "So Son, do you think you'll be able to start classes tomorrow?"

So Son -- So, Son

> The next day an unfamiliar boy who seemed to be around my age came to our
> house after breakfast, "It's true Kyon? You don't know who I am?"

Missing comma before 'Kyon'.

> "No I do not."

Missing comma after 'No'.

I'm going to give myself a break from pointing all of these out.  Your commage is spotty -- there should be commas to separate clauses, anywhere you find yourself naturally pausing in speech, and where dialog leads into and out of narration.  There is no reason to lead into dialogue/narrative with a comma if you lack a proper speech indicator.  For example:

"Sample text for gramatical instruction purposes is a pain to write."  Corwin then performed an action that was separate from his dialog, since it lacked a speech indicator.

"This example," Kyon protested, wheeling away from the Amberite's blade, "is not much fun for me either!"

"It's quite simple."  To Corwin, it was as much as writ in the stars.  "When two heroes meet, they have to fight."

"Seriously?"  Haruhi looked unimpressed from where she watched the pair, remarking, "Who had the brilliant idea was it to invoke 'Let's You and Him Fight'?"


Wow, that was terrible.  Still -- those are places where you would want to use commas in the dialog/narrative bridge.  I could have sworn I mentioned this to you at one point before, but....

> Again I reached in vain for something that wasn't strapped to my waist as I
> turned to look at the girl who had stood right behind me. Miss Suzumiya's
> face was mildly familiar, but not to the same extent as Miss Asahina's. Her
> figure was also not quite as full, but this did not bring the same
> revulsion to my eyes.

Hmm.

> I adapted well to my studies, only being caught out when a question
> involved some fact that I hadn't been told, however Miss Suzumiya did even
> better. It hurt my pride that she would be better than I so I took my
> revenge between classes. I turned in my desk towards her, "I see you
> missed a question."
> 
> "It's not my fault. I lost my memory in the disaster."
> 
> "Me too. We were both in the same hospital."
> 
> "Really?"
> 
> "Mikuru Asahina."
> 
> "You like that type, don't you?"
> 
> "I should, but somehow I don't."
> 
> "She's a student here you know, second year."

This is an amazing bit of dialog, because to be honest, after re-reading it a few times, it's really impossible to tell who's speaking.  The first paragraph suggests that it's Kyon, because he turns to Haruhi, but then, Kyon's the one that missed a question, and the dialog....

I'm going to say speech indicators and dialog (the technical aspects of it) are areas you'll want to focus on.

Also, neither of them find their mutual amnesia suspicious?

Anyway.  I think that first sentence may be a run-on, or at least can easily be chopped into two smaller sentences.

> I hadn't noticed. I suppose it was because I had been paying too much
> attention to my studies to keep up with you, Miss Suzumiya. On a whim I
> decided on another tack, "I've figured out your patten."

Irked about being outdone scholastically, and then dismissing it with an excuse?  This is inconsistent on ... Kyorwin's? ... part.

> "Oh hell no. Sure she's got the looks and she's smart and athletic, perhaps
> even better on both counts since her recovery, but she's a total
> weirdo. She dated every boy who'd ask her out in junior high then dumped
> them all, usually in five minutes or so."

Aw ... so Mikuru had their Shadows killed?

> For some reason I felt some empathy towards the monster and attempted to
> make conversation, "I see you've tried out for almost every club at the
> school."

While you have made this Haruhi less sympathetic to me than the original (which is impressive), calling her a 'monster' while Kyon's still thinking what he does about Mikuru seems somehow a bit much.  I think he'd go with something milder, like 'spoiled brat' or (hehe) 'annoying princess'.

> "None of them are interesting."
> 
> "How about the sports teams? I hear you're quite the athlete."

Haruhi: So are you, and that would be a better clue to the readers.
Kyon: Hush, we're re-hashing Melancholy, here.
Haruhi: Unless it features Kentucky Fried Lizard Parts, we're doing it wrong.
Kyon: I ... forgot that part of the original Amber Chronicles.
Haruhi: Crazy, huh?

> I turned around to her, "Are you trying to kill me?"
> 
> "Yes, that's it!"
> 
> "Fine, name your weapons."
> 
> "I mean about the club."
> 
> "Okay, clubs are good. A little blunt and primitive, but a satisfying way
> to bludgeon and break bones."

Best dialog in the fic so far.

> Taniguchi mouthed "You're doomed" to me, but I looked up the information in
> the student handbook anyway.

I think he can whisper this, since Haruhi's out of the room anyway.

> I had almost left the school while reading the handbook so I didn't notice
> until a hand grabbed the back of my collar and I was dragged back into the
> school and up the stairs. I managed to get a look back at my assailant.
> It was Haruhi of course. Just how strong was she anyway? I stomped down
> with my feet against the stairs and stopped. She toppled back past me and
> towards the stairs below. I reached out with one hand to grab the stair
> rail and caught Haruhi with my other arm, wrapped around her chest.

I'm really unclear on how stomping makes Kyon halt.  Did he catch his toes on the steps or something?

> "Kyon, you pervert!" She screamed and scratched at my hand with her nails
> so I dropped her.
> 
> "Now what is this?" I kept my distance and didn't offer a hand to help her
> to her feet.
> 
> She rose and dusted off her skirt, "I found the room. Follow me."
> 
> "Slowly this time! No running up the stairs. It's against the rules."
> 
> She grimaced at this but walked the rest of the way, "Here you go."

This was actually an interesting exchange.  I like how she really doesn't care about having the tables turned on her, after the fact -- it's just an issue while it's happening.

> "I'm the only member," the girl didn't look up her book and simply flipped
> the page. With the light on I could get a better look at her. She was short
> and thin and her huge glasses dominated her face. Why would she bother to
> dye her hair blue and then just sit in this room? Was this some reaction to
> being teased about her hair color?

Why didn't Kyon notice that Ryouko has significantly bluer hair?

Mph.  I have a meeting; I'll finish this later.

> "But miss, student groups must have five or more members."

'Miss' is like 'Dear' or 'Sir'.  

> I took the rare moment when Haruhi was so overcome with thought that she'd
> actually be silent to approach the seated girl, "Excuse me miss, but are
> you really okay with all this? That person wants to take over your room
> for her own nefarious purposes and it's all fine with you?"

Something about this feels ... too rote from Melancholy -- like there's just not enough Amber influence on this scene -- and you've glossed over most of the compressed Melancholy arc so far, so it feels like you're expecting us to infer a lot that you didn't bother to imply.  Ie., Kyon's relationship with Haruhi.

I have a suspicion on what might help address this, but I'll wait until the end (in case I'm wrong).

> "With which Kanji?" Haruhi leaned over Yuki.
> 

I think Kanji actually can be a proper name, but in this instance, it is not, and should not be capitalized.

> "At the school office of course. I had to search the entire school to find
> this one empty room. Okay we need a really cute girl, Mikuru Asahina of
> course," Haruhi wrote down that name, "And we need a mysterious transfer
> student. Do you know of any Kyon?"

Your 'disaster' is really confusing.  It sends students 500 miles away from the original location into amnesia, delays school by a few months, and somehow, as disruptive as it is, the clubs are still all full?

Being honest, I don't see that it adds a thing to the story.  In Amber, Corwin was in a car accident (or was told he was in) -- that's a lot more plausible, and so far, the 'disaster' has zero plot relevance, so it would just be pulling what looked like a plot thread (but actually wasn't).  I'd suggest dropping it.

> "Well, what planet are you from?" I just barely kept from snatching the
> paper from Haruhi's grasp and tearing it up. I glanced at my outstretched
> hand and didn't see any scratch marks from Haruhi's earlier attack. It must
> have hurt much worse than it actually was.

Not sure why he almost takes the paper from her.  Is he upset?  We really haven't been shown that, and he was discussing civily a moment ago.

> The day after Mr. Koizumi joined Haruhi's club I received the all too cliche
> note from a hidden admirer for me to meet them alone behind the
> school. With any luck it would be a large gang of bullies for me to
> pummel. I needed the stress relief after putting up with Haruhi every day.

all too cliche -- all-too-cliche (I think)

More of this implied interaction you're not showing us.  What stress?  You haven't shown us anything other than him getting his head hit once and generally not seeming to like her much.  If that's bothering him so much, then why did he agree to join her club anyway?

> As I walked to my appointment with destiny, or date, I found myself again
> reaching for the item I never had. Strange how I had managed to curb that
> reflex around Haruhi, perhaps because I couldn't bear the thought of her
> mocking me about it.
> 

I ... what?  Haruhi mocked him? He just can't bear the thought she might?

More scenes that you suggest without clarifying.  The idea that he wants a sword around Haruhi and slowly overcomes that reflex is (to me) kind of significant to gloss over like this.

> "But it's so strange that she'd hook up with somebody like you," Miss
> Asakura pulled my right hand around to rest on her right hip, pulling
> herself closer to me, "I worried that my sister just isn't herself these
> days. I mean, I worry about her like a sister. It's just my responsibility
> as the class president," She put her left hand around my waist and leaned
> against me.

Kyon's awful non-reactive to her throwing herself at him and implying that he and Haruhi are dating.

> Miss Asakura rose up on her toes to whisper in my ear, "Let's have some
> fun, but not here. Just a little bit further," she rubbed up against me as
> we walked past thatched roof huts with six legged livestock in the
> distance.
> 

And ... this is first person.  Is there any thought, or opinion going through Kyon while this is happening?  He seems awfully docile, which I can see in Kyon to a degree, but less so for Corwin.

> It was Yuki, who reached out with both hands father than the length of her
> arms somehow, like the hands passed beyond the limits of this strange new
> world and when her hands returned she was wielding two identical short
> black curved swords, "You've changed your face 'Ryoko', but not your
> methods."

Wouldn't Ryouko have been better off shifting to her combat form, if they're followers of the Logrus?

> I must have passed out for a moment because the next thing I knew I heard a
> door opening. I looked up. Taniguchi was standing at the door to our
> classroom. Yuki had her back to him and was making sucking noises on my
> body, with my clothes undone.
> 
> "Uh, excuse me. Just take your time," Taniguchi backed away and closed the
> door.

Yuki: Just as planned.
Kyon: Well, you're the non-incest option, so, I'm not going to fight this much.

> "It's best not to do that so much around my sister 'Haruhi'," Yuki helped me
> to my feet with one hand. Another impossibly strong girl.
> 

Ah, Haruhi's not descended of Oberon ... who was a child of Chaos anyway. >_>

> I turned away from her to redo my clothing.
> 
> -HJC
> The actual title is of course: SOS Brigade in Amber.
> H.S. herself can't make the title for two good reasons.

Okay.  So ... this is kind of long for a throwaway, and contains a few threads that drag it out without adding much to it.  Among those are the 'disaster', and considering how it's not really used to great effect, probably I'd drop all instances of Kyon going for a sword except for the first and the last (the others don't feel meaningful).  A lot of Kyon's interactions early on are kind of meaningless, because as soon as Kyon goes to school, his family mostly vanishes.  Those could be shortened quite a bit, probably.

The Mikuru interactions don't especially feel informative, either -- especially considering the effective irrelevance of the reveal that she's not what she seems and Kyon doesn't trust her.  And then she joins the Brigade anyway.

The Haruhi/Kyon dynamic is somewhat interesting, but you show us amazingly little; really, this probably deserves more attention than it's been given.  Probably one thing that might help across the board is working more on Kyon's reactions to ... any given thing, actually.  In retrospect, I don't think Kyon/Corwin is shown with a single emotion in this entire story, which is kind of bizzare.

What are those reasons?  As I understand things, if Haruhi were a child of the Logrus and didn't know it, she might just be pulling everyone with her to another world when she walks, giving everyone there the impression that the world was created recently, or that she rewrote reality.

Heh.  Might actually explore that later....

....anyway.  I enjoyed the story, and thanks for sharing.  It's a concept worth exploring....
-- 
Brian Randall