[FFML] [Sailormoon] Moonshadow, chapter 23 (draft)

[Bert Miller]

More!  More!

On 1/27/2011 1:22 PM, Mythril Moth wrote:
> This one's a little short.

Yep.  (But sometimes, that's where logical cutoff points occur.)

>
> "PRINCESS!"
>
> Mamoru's eyes snapped open. He sat bolt upright in bed, nightclothes 
> soaked in sweat. He scrubbed a clammy hand through short, damp hair. 
> His heart hammered in his chest.

So he has all the information he needs to guess that Sailor Moon aka 
Serenity is the girl from his dreams.

> "The dapper cad that purloins others' baubles in the still of night," 
> Nephrite interrupted. "HE is our errant liege."
>
> The blond Shitennou blinked. "That idiot thief from the gala? Surely 
> you jest--"
>
> "He seeks the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou," Nephrite said. "A treasure no 
> human of this age should know of. If indeed Prince Endymion has risen 
> from the dust of the Earth..."
>
> "Then any young male human looking for the Ginzuishou..." Jadeite 
> finished, nodding. "I see. So, what do we do?"

A bit hasty, but Mamoru IS their best lead.  The "idiot thief" could 
have been told of the ginzuishou by the real Endymion.  But they still 
need to talk to Mamoru.

> Sayoko sighed heavily. "I should have expected this much resistance, 
> all things considered." Shaking her head, she sat down on the sofa, 
> absently rearranging her clothes. "I found the uniform you tried to 
> hide," she said. "To be honest, I've been watching for warning signs 
> of any...consequences ever since."
>
> Ami stiffened, the colour draining from her face.

Which begs the question, why DID Ami just hide it, rather than burning 
it?  Did she think she might need it for evidence some day?

> Ami stopped, and turned to face her mother, mouth a thin, grim line. 
> After a long, uncomfortable silence, she heaved a tired, defeated sigh.
>
> "Mercury Power, Make-Up."

Nice scene.  Logical deductions, logical reactions, on both parts.

> The doctor was treated to the almost comical spectacle of a Sailor 
> Senshi talking quietly into a cellphone and shooting furtive, awkward 
> glances across the room. She disconnected and placed the phone back in 
> her bag. "Tsukino-san," she said. "Checking on me because of my absence."

So why did Ami give a name, instead of "A friend"?  That seems an 
un-Ami-like slip.

> Once Mercury fell silent, Sayoko simply sat staring at her for what 
> seemed like hours.

What, no debate over the existence of "magic"?  It seems to me a brief 
question-response citing Clarke's Law is warranted here.

> "During that incident...you performed an unfamiliar technique."
>
> The blonde blinked. "Eh?" She paused, chopsticks raised halfway to her 
> mouth; inwardly, Rei found the image somewhat comical. "Oh! I think I 
> know what you mean." She shrugged. "I figured out how to charge up my 
> regular attack into something that's actually useful." Frowning, she 
> added, "The only problem is, it takes time to charge, and my aim 
> sucks. If Usagi hadn't dropped that guy so we could all hit him..."

Rei has used more than one attack herself, unless I'm remembering all 
wrong.  Why did Minako's use of a second attack raise any questions in 
her mind?

>
> Rei nodded. "I see." She picked at her rice for a moment, then added, 
> "If I may ask...exactly how did you discover the ability to power up 
> your attack?"
>
> Mina coughed, nearly choking on a mouthful of sausage, and turned red. 
> "Um...that's..."
>
> =-------------=
>
> Looking around to make sure she was alone and unseen, Mina transformed 
> into Venus, then leapt to the roof of an abandoned apartment building.
>
> Sunset was the perfect backdrop for her special training, she mused, 
> as she closed her eyes and focused on what she wanted to try...
>
> Of course, with the horizon painted brilliantly red and orange, nobody 
> noticed the giant glowing golden heart shooting off into the sky.
>
> Back in the alley, a paused game of Maverick Hunter X merrily chewed 
> away at the battery life of Mina's PSP, which she had forgotten to 
> turn off...

It's not a bad joke, but the handling seems to need a bit of work.  I 
had to read this whole section a couple of times to really get it.  And, 
since the name of the game means nothing to me, I'm left wondering if 
there's a further layer of the joke I'm not getting.

The only thing I can suggest is cutting the flashback scene and having 
Mina spout it out:

   "Um... that's... it's kind of embarrassing... You see I got the idea 
from a video game I was playing...it's really cool,
    you power up at each level with new spells you can learn, but they 
have to be stronger variants of those you
    already know, and-"

   "I think I get the idea, Mina," Rei cut her off.

> A short while after lunch, Sayoko frowned as she sipped a glass of ice 
> water. "Ami-chan," she began, "when you were telling me about 
> everything...I'm still trying to make sense of a lot of it, but you 
> said something about being attacked by dead people, right?"
>
> "Correct," Ami replied as she dried dishes. "According to our primary 
> source of information, our enemy is capable of reanimating the dead 
> and converting them into powerful minions."

This is sort of what I meant above.  Sayoko is a doctor; how can she 
hear something like this, without more details, and give it any 
credence?  Ami would have had to add the detail below (how Necrocites 
are made) on first telling, and I think she'd do that automatically (as 
I'd think Ami would need that detail herself; part of her must be 
attributing the entire experience to supertech nanites or whatever, and 
wondering if and how much her own body has been modified by such).

> When Usagi stepped off the train at the station nearest her home, she 
> was surprised to find Mizuno Ami waiting for her. "Ami-san?"
>
> "We must speak in private," Ami said tersely. "It is imperative."
>
> =-------------=

I like this particular intercutting narrative strategy, btw.

> "At literally any given moment, we may find ourselves facing an army 
> of at least three hundred Necrocites."

Given the information you've provided so far, I have to wonder if this 
discovery might be what blows the lid on Arty's cover... (since he's the 
only necromancer we know to be still alive).