[FFML] [Ranma] The Courtship of Tendou Kasumi (Revised/Expanded)

[ambulatory.kettle at yahoo.com]

Thanks so much for the feedback!

> Hm. It feels like it should be "green-cast".

Good catch.  Not sure how I missed that, since I typically lean towards beating 
the reader to death with hyphens. ^_~

> moisture, not moister

The typos... they never end.  Thanks, I'll fix that.

> I would not have called this a spamfic (I didn't read the original), but it 
>seems to me that this is really more of a one-shot than anything else.

The original was much shorter.  It was just the one scene in Toufuu's office. 
 Once I put the extensive "flashback" in the middle, the original single-scene 
story was broken up into a frame for the "real" story, turning it into, as you 
say, more of a one-shot.  I would not call the current iteration a spamfic 
either.

> So are you planning on updating the version on fanfiction.net?

Eventually.  I hadn't decided if I was going to just post it as a "new" story, 
considering the degree of expansion.  Currently, the most up-to-date versions of 
my fanfics are all on Google Docs via tinyurl.com/AmbulatoryKettle

Thanks again,
Ambulatory Kettle



________________________________
From: mccrowe <grinning.bird at gmail.com>
To: ambulatory.kettle at yahoo.com
Sent: Thu, February 24, 2011 2:11:42 PM
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma] The Courtship of Tendou Kasumi (Revised/Expanded)


Hello!

I just recently re-joined the FFML and this was posted before I did, but I 
decided to review it anyway.

The formatting might be a bit weird, as I'm having to copy-paste from the 
chez-vrolet archives.

> moment, her eye refocused on the face reflected there, green cast in the  > hot 
>liquid.  Even accounting for the unflattering coloration, the face  
>
Hm. It feels like it should be "green-cast".  "green cast" implies that cast is 
a noun in this phrase.  "green cast across her features" would turn cast into a 
verb, and "the hot liquid casting her in green" or "liquid casting a green tinge 
across her face" might turn the phrase into something you are not desiring.


> "I... don't know.  These new guests make even more work around the  > house.  
>There's... no way I could leave my family.  Not now." 
>

Interesting implication.  

>     As Betty-chan's flapping arms waved farewell, Kasumi smiled,  > blinking 
>away moister from her eyes. 
>

moisture, not moister


I would not have called this a spamfic (I didn't read the original), but it 
seems to me that this is really more of a one-shot than anything else.  So are 
you planning on updating the version on fanfiction.net?


-mccrowe


      
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