[FFML] [Fanfic][R1/2] Family Secrets - Chapter 2

[mccrowe]

On Tue, Feb 15, 2011 at 10:25 PM, Ignacio Moreno <kinai2k7 at gmail.com> wrote:

> I know that the first chapter is short. Here is the second chapter.
>
>
You could also just call the first chapter simply the prologue.

He

was so convinced of it that he wouldn't have been surprised if, in that
> moment, his mother had acknowledged it with a big smile.
>
>
We've already established that she does enjoy fucking with their lives...



>
> However, a glance at Nodoka was enough to bury that idea.
>
>
She wouldn't smile just yet; the sweet despair emanating from Ranma still
had legs.


>
> After giving them the astounding news, his mother hadn't moved from her
> place; she'd just stopped stirring the tea, and had turned toward them.


Well, she was already turned towards them, I hope, as Ranma related his tale
of Ukyo. Did I miss a "and then she turned away" in the previous chapter?



> Her
> relaxed attitude had disappeared completely, being replaced by a serious
> expression, without a trace of humor, and with a sad look that expected,
> and
> feared, their reaction.
>
>
Too many commas? Maybe split this sentence up?


>
> Ranma couldn't realize all these little details but, unconsciously, he knew
> his mother wasn't joking and that she had told the truth.
>
>
"realize all these little details" I believe you mean 'register' instead of
realize.

unconsciously should be subconsciously. Unconsciously means that he's
currently knocked out, subconscious means that he's not consciously aware of
it but his mind is still active and registering it (whatever *it* is).

Proposed rewrite:
Ranma didn't register all the details in her mother's countenance but knew,
without needing any further proof, that his mother wasn't joking; she had
told them the truth.

The reason I propose removing the 'subconsiously' out of it completely is
because if he's thinking that he knows the truth, then he's CONSCIOUSLY
thinking that.  "he knew it in his bones" or "he was certain. He didn't know
why he was certain, but he was" would also be alternative ways to write it.



>
> Before he could assimilate the news, his companion exploded in an indignant
> outburst. Akane always had been quick-tempered, especially when she felt
> humiliated as in this case.
>
>
I wouldn't yet mention that Akane has exploded in an indignant outburst if
you still have 3 more paragraphs of description to go before we actually get
to Akane's outburst.  The first sentence prepares the reader to expect an
immediate payoff following it. The next paragraphs feel like a bait and
switch.

Also, I'd probably put a 'fully' in there, so that it became "Before he
could fully assimilate"


>
> "Well! Don't count me in on this charade!"
>
>
Hm. That sentence sounds a bit odd.  "I won't be a part of this charade!"
feels better, but this might be a stylistic choice.  Other phrases:

Don't expect me to play along with this charade!
Don't count me in for this charade!


> Her words had an immediate effect on Ranma; who stopped wondering what to
> do
> next.
>
>
effect on Ranma; he stopped
effect on Ranma who stopped, wondering
Hm. Don't know if there should be another comma after Ranma in the sentence
above.


> Believing that it was too late to follow her, Ranma turned towards his
>

Unless she was heading OUT of the house, the only other place she could've
been going (realistically) was her room. The hallway from the living room to
the entrance is the same as the one to the stairs to her room. It certainly
wasn't too late to follow her.  He could've decided to leave her alone for
now, or something, but seriously, she's probably a few feet directly above
him at this point. Even if she locked her door he could still come in
through the window.



> The forced betrothal, the other fiancées, to prepare two weddings and
> sabotage everything at the last minute; all of them fit in that complaint,
> formulated as a question in a whisper.
>
>
I forget the first attempt. Was it right at the beginning of the last arc? I
can't recall.


>
> "Who is it?"
>
>
> "Akane; it's me, Nodoka. May I come in?"
>
>
SEE? It was totally not too late for him to follow her.


>
> "Akane; let me in, please."
>
> remove semi-colon, use regular comma, consider removing second comma.



> "And how did you think that I was going to be?" The young woman burst.
> "Jumping with joy?"
>
>
"Well, masturbating, actually."

"I... wait, what?" Akane's hands shot out from anywhere near any
particularly dangerously-damning positions.

"You're a young woman, after all," Nodoka began. "You just found out that
your beau is in fact, your brother." She clasped her hands in front of her.
"That forbidden fruit, once thought unattainable, is now within your reach."

Distress over Nodoka's earlier revelations quickly being overcome by the
distress of her current revelations, Akane's mental processes weren't quite
firing on all cylinders yet.

"Forbidden fruit? What are you-- are you talking about..." Akane frowned as
she was trying to unravel exactly what the fruit was meant to symbolize in
Nodoka's speech.  "It's not 'liking Ranma'..."

"I mean of course to the sweet taboo of being... loving... to your beautiful
sibling," Nodoka gently interrupted Akane's train of thought, nudging it off
the tracks and into a massive cliff.

Akane felt all her anger drain away as dread built up inside of her. She had
never realized that it actually did build, that she could feel the dread
filling her, filling her like Nodoka was suggesting Ranma sh-- OH GOD NO.

"Please," Akane said, in a small voice, "please tell me that we're not the
result of you and... and a brother we don't know about or your f-fa... a
brother we don't know about."

"No," she said, much to Akane's boundless relief, and then sighed wistfully.
Wistfully? WISTFULLY?  Akane was starting to hyperventilate.

"So you see why I thought you would be here, thinking about my Ranma,"
Nodoka continued, while Akane shook her head side to side, a dead look on
her face.  How could she not see it? "The timing would, of course, needed to
be perfect, allowing Ranma to catch you in the act now, before the
sordidness of the whole situation became public knowledge and society
conspired against you.  To let your vulnerability and his strength play
against each other in this one perfect moment of exposure, of unwittingly
baring your true feelings to him."

Akane just didn't know what to think anymore.

"As a matter of fact, I can only imagine what must be going inside my
beautiful young Ranma's head right now."  Akane had the wherewithal to wince
at that, right before they both heard footsteps rapidly approaching from
outside the room, culminating in a very out of breath pigtailed teenager
slamming the door open.

After a few seconds he addressed them, between breaths, "Am... am I..."

"I'm sorry, Ranma," Nodoka said, sadly, "The moment's gone. She's done
already."

"Damn it!" Ranma screamed.  He looked from Nodoka to Akane, then just looked
down, shaking his head. "Dammit."

As the martial artist sulkily walked down the hallway, Akane was left with
her jaw hanging wide open, staring at the now-empty door.

Nodoka, the life fucker, smiled.



> Akane's voice oozed so much sarcasm, that it made her opponent to shudder
> visibly. She had to clasp her hands in front of her chest to try to control
> the tremor that ran through her body.
>
>
Perhaps you want to stick with 'hatred' or 'vitriol' or something a bit
stronger than sarcasm if you're going to have Nodoka reacting so strongly to
it.


>
> Trying not to think about it anymore, Ranma's mother attempted to calm her
> son's fiancée, and with her most soothing and quiet voice, she said.
>
>
If you're going to break it up like this, you need a colon after "said"


>
>
> Nodoka, paralyzed by the shock, needed a few seconds to remember that
> Kimiko
> was the name of Soun's deceased wife. Apparently, the sake’s fumes had made
> Soun mixed them up.
>
>
Two things, here.

1) Soun was drinking, not breathing in the sake. Fumes won't get anyone
drunk.
2) "had made Soun *mix *them up" but I suggest rewriting that sentence a
bit.



> It couldn't be. It was impossible, but she knew that man. Although she had
> seen him only once in her life, she had never forgotten his features. The
> man, who Soun pointed to, was her sister's husband. The one from whose arms
> she had received Ranma.
>
>
> Once it became clear that Nodoka had finished her story, Akane asked,
> clearly surprised
>
>
You used a line break last time to indicate the end of the flashback. Here
you're missing that.



> "And!? You yourself have said that he was drunk as Davie's sow! For
> heaven’s
> sake! If he confused you with my mother!"
>
>
Had to go online for reference.  According to
http://www.infoplease.com/dictionary/brewers/davys-sow.html you mean Davy's
sow or David's sow (probably the first).  Someone else will need to tell me
how common that expression is, though, as I've never heard it before. "drunk
as a skunk", "he was three sheets to the wind", are two more common
expressions to me.


> "I don't care!" Akane answered immediately, without thinking.
>
>
Nodoka and Akane turned towards the door as they heard the noise of
frantically approaching footsteps...



> "But, did you think about the consequences? Did you think what would happen
> when people hear about it? 'Cause I assure you that this isn't something
> that you can keep secret."
>
>
> "I don't care..."
>
>

I swear that I review these stories in order and didn't know about this
scene beforehand.


> Unfortunately it was impossible for Nabiki to miss the mood of both
> teenagers and, in her own way, tried to ease the atmosphere.
>
>
"Come on, you two. You guys are acting as if you were told you were siblings
after having a night of sex!"



>
> Nabiki's words caused the fathers to roar with sonorous laughter, and even
> made the circumspect Kasumi laugh.


small laugh? giggle?


>
> The echo of laughter hadn’t died away when Akane, recovering slowly her
> mobility, left her bowl of rice and chopsticks, thanked her sister for the
> dinner, stood up and left the room.
>
>
slowly recovering


>
> The girl’s body trembled upon hearing the concern and affection with he
> pronounced her name. Opposed emotions wracked her body, and she had to
> collect all her control to say a few words.
>
>
Opposing emotions



>
> "Ranma no! Please! No now…!"
>
>
Not now


> To Be Continued…
>



So it sounds as if the story is headed into them not caring that they're
siblings, which is now how I thought things would go.  Anyway, there it is,
my review of chapter 2.

-mccrowe
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