[FFML] [fic][Naruto][SI] An American Contractor in Konoha Ch2

[Dot Warner]

>  Oh yeah it is also a self insert, maybe you should just stop reading now


You brave, brave man, you.

Personally, I don' t mind the foul language, but the impact of a well-placed expletive (which I'll suspect you need) sort of loses its punch if you're using it as incidental punctuation.  From this chapter on it'd be interesting to see you tone yourself down, using minced oaths, and then when the inevitable need to scream "FUCK!" at the heavens, it'll get the reader's attention, because it signifies Shit Hitting The Fan.

>  Chapter Two

I'll go back and re-read Chapter One with the mindset of a Beta, the first pass was just a quick skim to see if I liked the premise (and you've certainly got me hooked).

>  After a little run in with an IED I somehow made it into Heaven.

Since that just happened one chapter ago, you don't really need to reiterate that.

>  No pressure right?

Needs a comma after "pressure".
  
>   Of course Sasuke is pretty important to the Naruto universe.  Without him to serve as a rival and then a friend for Naruto, Naruto would not have developed the mental strength to keep the Kyuubi at bay.  

"the Naruto universe: without him (etc etc)"

> If the Kyuubi breaks through Naruto’s mental barriers and manifests into the physical world it could be a very bad thing.  A possibly world ending event.

"it could be a world ending event.  Which would be a bad thing."

>  You see the plan is for me take over Sasuke’s body and his life and try to ensure that Naruto remains in control.

Again, not really necessary to reiterate the premise.
 
>  To help me in this mission I have a direct line to Heaven that is answered by Emily.  She is a fellow deceased otaku with an almost encyclopedic memory of 100’s of Anime and Manga.

"hundreds"

> She is also a hippy and a fangirl.  Our conversations tend to be “interesting”.  

"a fangirl, so our conversations"

>She also insists I call her Hitomi.  I guess that is only fair since I go by my old handle of Outlaw 1 here.

"Hitomi; only fair, I guess, since"

>  Hitomi, who had assumed a sort of maternal protectiveness over the young Uchiha put her arm around his shoulder.

"Uchiha,"

> All five feet, 100 pounds of her were quivering in moral outrage.

Spell out "one hundred", as having a numeral there (in my opinion, anyway) jolts you out of the narrative.
>   
>  Before I could say anything Sasuke shrugged her arm off.

"anything,"

>  He said looking at me with an unreadable expression.

"said,"
   
>  “There is one more piece of information you need before you go.”  Michael interupted.

"interrupted"
   
>  “The device is closely calibrated to cause the kind of massive damage needed to stop the Kyuubi.  The approximate yield is 10 megatons.”

Better a chunk of whatever part of the world Naruto happens to be in than the whole world, I guess, but man, isn't that kind of overkill?
  
>  I mean yeah I believe that nuking the site from orbit is an entirely appropriate solution to quite a few situations; however I was likely to be nearby for the blast.

"I mean, yeah"
"however,"

>   
>  Hitomi looked aghast, Sasuke just looked confused, guess they don’t have nuclear weapons in his home timeline. 

"aghast, while Sasuke just looked confused;"

>  Michael was looking impatient (again) “I suggest you use this information to motivate you to succeed in your mission.  Wrap up any affairs you need to quickly, I will summon you shortly before mission start.”  With that we were dismissed.

"quickly;"
   
>  Time: N/A, date: N/A.  Location:  Heaven’s Army Operations Center Building, Purgatory.
>   
>  Michael looked at me one last time,  “If you are expecting a pep talk, forget it.  You know your job go do it.”

"job; go"
>   
>  He gave me the look you would expect for a sarcastic comment like that and said;  “That won’t be necessary.”
>   
>  All of a sudden the world turned inside out and I could taste the color purple.

Personally, I'd eliminate the phrase "the color" here, or elaborate on how purple tastes.  (And no, "purple-y" doesn't count as an answer.)
   
>  Time: 1924 hrs, Date: 4 years before the start of Naruto.  Location:  The Uchiha family compound.
>   
>  The disorientation lasted less then a second and I was suddenly standing in a traditional Japanese style room.  You know tatami mats and paper walls that kind of shit.

"room--tatami mats, paper walls, that"

> I am no doctor, but I didn’t think I had long to watch the show.

"I was no doctor"
   
>  In my ear I heard Hitomi’s voice:  “Eew that’s gross.
   
> I said while I started to put pressure on the wound to try and staunch the ever increasing blood flow that was adding a fresh pool of blood to the stains already on the floor.

"while putting pressure on the wound"
  
>  Great, just when I need him he goes into shell shock.  I mean watching yourself die on TV can’t be all that traumatizing, shit kids are all sorts of resilient. “I got it.” I ground out.

"traumatizing; shit, kids"
   
>  Hitomi:  “Hey!  Watch it mister.”

"Watch it, mister"
   

>  Of course in my case you also start hearing frantic voices in your head asking you if you are ok?  If it hurts?  And my favorite:  Do you know how worried we were?

"Of course in my case I also started hearing frantic voices in my head asking if I were okay, if it hurt, and my favorite: did I know how worried they were?"
   
>  Yeah so I ain’t a morning person.  “Why are you still there kid?  I thought your job was done and you were going back to heaven.”

"Yeah, so"
   
>  Sasuke:  “Wow you sure are foul mouthed.  Do you think you could watch the language a little?  That is my body you are wearing and I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.”

"Wow, you"
   
>   There were a couple chairs for visitors, one of those tables that rolls overtop of the bed, and an IV stand with a bag on it connected to my right arm via a clear tube.

"over top"
>   
>  Sasuke:  “You’ve been talking like a sailor ever since you got to Konoha.  That world doesn’t have any verbal morality controls like Heaven and Purgatory.  It is kind of funny though I can’t really tell what you say since it gets bleeped out when it comes over the speakers.”

"funny, though"

>  “Oh your awake.” she said.  “Just wait right there.”  Then she was gone again.

"Oh, you're"
   
>  “You know her kid?” I asked Sasuke in the emptiness of the room. 

"her, kid?"
   
>  I couldn’t respond since I wasn’t alone so I settled for greeting the new comer.  “Hello Iruka-sensei, please come in.”
>
"Hello, Iruka-sensei"
  
>  “Hey teach I was just peeling the apple I was gonna give you and my hand slipped.”

"Hey, teach, I"
   
>  After that Iruka talked at me about some inconsequential things like homework, respect for authority, not killing yourself , and something about seat belts and fire extinguishers.

"myself"

> Honestly I tuned him out.

"Honestly,"
   
> However the smell coming from the place is incredible.

"However,"
>   
>  I wondered a little more as the day turned to afternoon and then to evening.

"wandered"

>   
> A refreshing point of view really.  

"view, really"

> After all I am with Skippy of “Skippy’s list” fame;  A potential suicide should be given a loaded magazine and some time alone to work out his or her (and you thought I wasn’t politically correct) issues.   All I ask is that you think of the janitor and do that shit outside or something.

"I was with"
"fame: a"
"All I asked was"

>  Still I figure talking to myself in front of the locals would be a bad thing.

"Still, I figured"
   
>  “You’ll what?”  I asked amused.

"asked,"
   
>  Hitomi:  “I’ll wash your mouth out with soap.
>   
>  Sasuke chose that moment to break in before I could ask her if that meant she was planning on joining me in the shower.
>   
>  Sasuke:  “Leave her alone, I don’t want my body arguing with innocent women.”

You can delete that "Sasuke:", and move the dialogue to the same line.
 
>  Aww was the kid developing a crush on the fangirl, guess he digs older chicks.

"Aww, was"
"the fangirl? Guess"
   
>  Hitomi:  “I should say you are to young for beer!”  “Have you thought about going vegan?  It really is a much healthier lifestyle.”

"too young"
   
> And besides vegan is another word for pussy.

"besides,"
>   
>  Finding some rice, chicken and spices I decided on dinner for the night and threw away the trash.

"spices, I"

>  I would make a big enough meal to live off the leftovers and then go shopping after school tomorrow.  I really hoped they would have bacon here.

If not, it'd be awesome if you just went and made your own, then introduced Konoha to the wonders that is bacon.

-"Dot"