[FFML] [SHnY][Dark] Downfall: Act II -- Revelation

[Brian Randall]

This part is much rougher than I would like, so any help smoothing it
out would be appreciated. >_>;


     Downfall

     Act II: Revelations
     (Sci-Fi/Horror)

     A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.

     Disclaimer: The novel 'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu'/'The Melancholy
of Suzumiya Haruhi' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa.  No disrespect
is intended by the posting of this fanfiction, as I do not own the
characters or settings involved.  I'm merely dabbling with another set
of paints.  ;)

     Note: Gentle reader, I hope you have enjoyed the intermission.
     ---------------------------------

     I took a deep breath, centering myself, going through the mental
exercises that I had learned from years of training.  It was exciting,
and hard to keep calm -- but absolutely important that I did.

     I couldn't afford to make a mistake, even though my presence
meant that -- ironically -- everyone else could.

     Looking around, I drank the details in.  They had allowed me a
position of prominence, naturally, with a good view of the entire
operating theater.  Just before me was a console with a microphone --
connected to the PA system, but I wouldn't use that, anyway.  I didn't
need to.  Beyond that was the wide floor, filled with rows of busy
technicians, working away at their consoles as overseers walked the
aisled, occasionally murmuring or pointing things out.

     It really felt almost exactly like watching the control center at
NASA in one of those movies, except instead of windows, there was a
bank of enormous monitors.  I could read the graphs a little bit, and
had a fair understanding of what it all meant, but I didn't really get
all the details yet.  I would, even though I didn't really need to.  I
just hadn't yet, since I'd been so busy training....

     Losing my self control cost me three people I had known as
friends, once.  I wouldn't let it happen again.

     With Itsuki's help, I was ... still upset, but they deserved
better than that.  It was too far, but ... things would go horribly
wrong if I tried to undo it at that point.

     A very painful lesson about being careful ... about how
destructive my powers can be, if used carelessly.  I can't carelessly
wander through time, no matter how much I might want to.  If I go into
the past without understanding things, I could seriously damage
things.  If I go to the future, my present becomes the past, and I
can't safely come back.

     Itsuki spent a great deal of time teaching me how important it
was to be aware of my limitations.

     I shouldn't tamper with my own mind.  If I were to make a
mistake, who then could fix it?  I shouldn't tamper with things that
are delicate, or that no one at all understands yet -- like time
travel.  I shouldn't make things that can behave unpredictably, or
dangerously without my supervision.

     But ... none of that was really relevant at the moment.  I was
just watching, a special guest for something amazing.

     Unless they needed my help after all.

     I turn around as a pair of figures in sharp suits approach,
followed by another man in a lab coat.  As always, Itsuki was standing
not far away, keeping that promise he made the day I realized how
wrong I had been to....

     It's strange how the details from things that have happened over
three years ago can still gnaw at you.

     Better than forgetting, being unable to grow, I suppose....

     "We're ready to begin," one of the suited men says, nodding to
the man in the lab-coat.  He gives me a polite bow, which I return
before stepping to the side, closer to Itsuki.  He gives me his usual
smile and extends his hand the slightest bit.  I let mine brush
against his, but don't take it -- not here and now, in front of
everyone.

     The man in the coat gives orders over the PA system, and the
technicians busily respond to his commands, results filtering in.
"Systems stable," he reports to the suited figures, finally.  "We are
prepared for collision."

     I smiled politely, feeling strangely certain that today, they
won't need me at all.  I think Itsuki sensed that too, because he gave
me the faintest shrug as if to say, 'Well, what can you do?'  So for
the next several hours, we got to watch the control center for the
collider run smoothly.  It was a rare opportunity, and I shouldn't
want something to go wrong to justify my interference....

     If a black hole formed, then I'd prevent anything from going
wrong, or people from being hurt.  If the machinery broke, I could fix
that ... though with time, they wouldn't really need me at all.  Other
than that, I just watched.

     But that was fine.  There were other ways to make positive changes, too.

     ***

     I should probably have been more grateful and attentive, to
participate in such an experiment, but all things considered, I had
done nothing.  Itsuki told me that wasn't true at all -- just my
presence probably gave them confidence.  Then he joked that people
would become superstitious that they needed me around for things to
run smoothly at all.

     I wasn't sure what to feel about that, but once the experiment
was done, I teleported the pair of us back to Japan -- to our
apartment.  He went to catch up on his notes and missed messages while
we were away.  For myself, I banished my exhaustion and since it was
afternoon there, teleported myself alone to the street outside of
Hayate's house.

     Hayate was a smart enough kid that he didn't need me to tutor him
at all, probably.  But ... and maybe it was sad ... it was something I
could do that made me feel ... normal.  I didn't even let Itsuki know
that, though.

     I realized I was still wearing the semi-formal suit and skirt, so
before I knocked, a thought shifted it into more casual jeans and a
loose blue shirt.  Another thought removed the makeup from my face and
let my hair relax from the command I'd given it to stay as if permed,
and a falling leaf shot on an unusual trajectory into my fingertips
before it became a gold ribbon.

     I did up the ponytail by hand.

     After that, I knocked on the door, and Hayate's ever respectful
parents ushered me in.  Embarrassingly, I'd almost come over when he
was on break, at one point, when he wouldn't need tutoring at all.  It
was still early enough in the year he might not have needed real help
... but I liked helping.  I didn't even take money anymore, though,
money was pretty meaningless to me by that point.  I would liked to
have kept going to school, but there wasn't much point ... I really
needed to focus on my powers more than anything else.

     Those days, we got to meet with doctors and scholars to discuss
whatever we really want to know more about, anyway.

     In Hayate's room, he's already at his desk with his homework,
textbook open, but he looks lost in thought -- and not on his studies.

     "So!" I greeted him, giving the warmest smile possible,
increasing the ambient light in the room just a tiny bit.  "How was
your introduction to middle school?"

     "Ah?" he started, blinking, then gave me the friendly smile that
told me -- he hadn't learned to be afraid of what everyone knew I
could do, like his parents had.  He was one of those rare people like
Itsuki who saw me for _me_.  Like....

     Anyway.

     "Oh!" he gasped, grinning.  "Haruhi-nee!  It was really fun!"
Then his expression fell abruptly.  "But ... there was this one girl
who sits next to me....  She's ... what's the word ... 'sullen'?"

     I slid the other chair next to his, curious.  "You like this
girl?" I wondered, sitting.

     "Mmm....  I don't know, I think she's strange," he answered doubtfully.

     "How so?"

     "For her introduction speech ... she said she knew you, and that
you ... um ... did something mean to her brother?" he asked, smiling
as though he expected me to tell him that was a lie.

     Wait ... that....  Kyon's sister?  And ... how long had it been
since I've thought of her?

     Probably ... almost as long as I've really let myself ... think
of _him_.  I couldn't deal with that so suddenly, so I shelved the
feelings that I felt rising to handle later.  "I promise you I'll talk
to her about that later," I assured him.  "Don't you worry!"

     Though ... even if I apologized ... what could I say?  She didn't
know the entire story, but would she believe me when I told her?

     ***

     I held together through the lessons easily enough, but when
Hayate's lessons were done, I didn't even bother to walk out.  I spent
an instant to know where she was -- not in a bath, or somewhere else
private -- and sent myself there.  We were standing on the sidewalk of
a street downtown, not far from a cram school.  At a guess, she was
headed back towards where I still remembered that she and Kyon lived.

     When I first started out, I tried to make things flashy ... just
to distract myself, I suppose.  At that point, though ... those things
meant a lot less to me.

     Even so, when I suddenly appeared from nothing in front of her,
the girl's initial reaction was surprise -- quickly shifting to anger.

     Kyon's sister....  She must have been, what, thirteen by then?
Fourteen?  I had always thought she was cute -- her face was not
suited towards the scowl she sent to me.  She was taller, but not by
much.  Her hair had grown out a little, and she didn't have the cute
side-tail, anymore -- instead, she had a pair of more carefully done
up pigtails.  Her middle school uniform was the girl's equivalent to
the one that Hayate wears ... was that the same school Kyon had gone
to?

     Stupid thoughts--  I ignored them.

     It took me almost a full minute of the two of us staring at
one-another in silence before I remembered her name, greeting,
"Nonoko....  Do you remember me?"

     She snorted at that, a line almost worthy of her brother spitting
from her lips: "Like I could forget?"  Well ... he might say such
words, but I don't recall that he would ever use so much venom.  I
knew, of course, from what Hayate had said, but I felt somehow the
question needed to be asked.

     "H...hey, Nonoko....  You used to call me 'Haruhi-nee'," I said,
unable to keep the hope from my voice.

     "Suzumiya-san, Sasaki-nee is my only nee-san," she gritted out,
her expression twisted distastefully.

     Really ... it was just too much to hope for.  That she'd stare at
me tearfully -- but without hate?  That she would let me apologize?
What did I _really_ expect....  "So...."  But, what else was I going
to say?  What was I really looking for?

     "So?" she returned sharply, bristling, ignoring everyone else on
the street, staring at the pair of us.  "Are you going to get rid of
me for being a bad toy, like you did to Nii-san?"

     She called him 'brother', not 'Kyon'.  He confided in me once
that he'd always wanted her to call him that again ... and it was only
after I....

     I pushed the thought away.  "People ... aren't toys, Nonoko.
That was an accident," I told her gravely.  "If you think I'm like
that ... that I would intentionally do such a thing....  But even then
... even if he deserved better...."  I trail off, and have to use
Itsuki's words, when my own fail me:  "He was plotting behind my back,
you know.  Itsuki told me that -- he once suggested that I was
dangerous, and should be killed."

     "And that makes it right?!" she exclaimed, standing rigid, hands
balled into fists at her sides.  Somewhere, down the street, one of
Itsuki's men ... I sent him somewhere else -- a beach in Hokkaido
several hours walk from any cell phone signal, or other people.  This
was between myself and Nonoko.

     His people always watched me when they could -- for my safety.
They, and maybe Koizumi, thought I was weak ... fragile.  Why else
would one of them move towards us?  I didn't need them to protect me
from a little girl, though.

     "No, it doesn't," I told her, scowling.  "I admit that I made a
mistake, okay?  What happened was wrong -- and so ... so I have to
make the best out of it that I can!  Not just for me, but for
everyone, for the world!  To keep that from being senseless....  Can
you understand?  I do regret it!  I truly do!"

     "You killed my brother!" she cried, furious.  "And now you get to
wander around and call yourself, 'The Witch of Miracles,' doing
trivial good deeds -- as if that somehow makes everything _okay_?
What, was he just a sacrifice for you?  All of your 'good' is built on
the foundation of my brother's death!

     "Do you think I could do anything but _hate_ you?"

     I wanted to scream at her that it wasn't true, she had no reason
to hate me.  _I_ had been betrayed, not her!  Even if he was her
brother....

     So, restraining myself, I told her the truth.

     "Your brother was planning to betray me.  He was working with
aliens and enemy groups behind my back to get rid of me.  What I did
... the reason I can even live with myself at all ... is because it
was subconscious on my part to defend myself.  It really _was_ self
defense ... but at the same time ... if I understood my powers better,
he wouldn't have had to--"

     "Bullshit."

     This word, from such a small girl -- the cute figure that resided
in my memory contrasted against this older, but still youthful
resentment-lined face.  I flinched back, unable to restrain it, and
bit my tongue.

     When I said nothing, she repeated herself, more loudly.
"Bullshit!" she yelled, tears springing from her eyes, streaking
across her cheeks. "Nii-san was never like that!  He never wanted to
hurt anyone!"

     "He tried to attack me once!" I yelled in protest, barely able to
control my emotions, my eyes watering at these uncomfortable memories.
 It was strain enough to keep  Itsuki from noticing, across our
connection....

     "Then you must have _deserved_ it!  In the end, you _murdered_
him!" Nonoko screamed.  "And now everyone says you're going to save
the world!  I hate it!  It's not fair, and I know what you really are
inside!"

     I couldn't handle that.  Those words--  They couldn't be true.
Kyon betrayed me!  I never would have done a _thing_ if he hadn't
tried to move against me first!  But....  What had I really hoped for,
confronting her like that?  Why would she insist that it wasn't true?

     I wanted so much to make the disagreement go away -- to make her
understand that it _wasn't like that_ ... that I gathered a force that
could tear apart a black hole, formed it overhead head to strike that
child out of my way -- out of the world.  And then, with one hand
raised, staring down at her, as she gazed up in resolute defiance, I
asked myself....

     ...what ... am I doing?

     What if she was right?

     ...what if ... Itsuki was wrong?

     But I had been pushed too far.  I couldn't restrain that much
summoned energy without doing something.  What, kill the sister of
someone I killed on _accident_, only this time on purpose?  Prove her
right?

     I broke in another direction.

     I'm sorry, Itsuki.

     I had to go back and look.

     ***

     I didn't understand what I had done, at first.  I had the vague
idea of what I wanted to do, but I didn't ... really put much thought
into how it would actually be done.

     I stumbled into a scene I had never wanted to see again....
Except ... I _did_ want to see it again.

     Everyone else was frozen.

     I hadn't seen him in so long that I spent some time just staring
at him, remembering what he looked like before I....

     But then, his face was an expression of anger, so unusual that it
seemed alien.  One hand was drawn back, prepared to strike.  Directly
in his path was me ... the me from then, staring at him with defiance.

     Pathetic.  The me from them hadn't had the courage of Kyon's
sister when she glared at me.

     I knew it.  The me from them knew it, too, even if she hadn't
wanted to admit it.

     I had been in the wrong ... even Itsuki had reluctantly agreed
that I should have calmed down, and Kyon had said....  What was it he
had said?  I couldn't remember exactly.

     Some time was spent understanding where I was, and how I could
look at the past without damaging it.  I rewound time itself, watching
Kyon calm down slowly, going from enraged, to merely indignant, to
stupefied, to confused, to sourly unamused, to reluctantly
indulgent....

     So.  There was that.  He was angry even before we had gone to
Tsuruya's house.  I walked behind my past self as she marched in
backwards motion, leading the others along with her to the lake that
we had used for the previous scene.

     I saw his irritation started from the moment that his friends had
been dumped into the water.

     It was hard to fault him for that ... I had been inconsiderate.
Itsuki frequently told me that I shouldn't worry about the past so
much, because the future was more important.  And he should have known
-- he'd traveled in time before, to that Tanabata when he told me he
was John Smith....

     I let the scene play forward again, intangible.  Yuki herself
walked right through me without reacting.

     Itsuki had told me she had formidable powers, before that day,
when he was finally able ... forced, really ... to tell me the truth.

     But then ... it was just an image.  I was only looking at the
past, so how could she be aware of me?

     We returned to the house, and I watched Kyon grow angrier again,
moving to strike me before Itsuki intervened.  More importantly ... I
listened.

     "Mikuru-chan is my toy!" the me from back then had said.

     At that moment, more than anything, thinking of Nonoko's words
... I wanted nothing more than to help the Kyon of that time hit the
me from back then.  He was completely right in his judgment of that
past me.

     That kind of person couldn't have any friends ... and then ... I
hardly did.  I knew ... government officials, politicians ...
celebrities, who were not my friends at all ... scientists,
doctors....

     So, maybe that had nothing to do with Kyon's plot.  Maybe ...
he'd just been pointing something out that was true.

     It ... really didn't weigh against what I'd done to him so
carelessly.  What had killed Yuki trying to interfere while she was
injured.

     And of course, Mikuru, as well....

     The image of Kyon stormed away.  I had no need to watch my past
self tremble and numbly record over the footage that had angered him
once he left -- I remembered it well enough.  No need to watch myself
think nothing except that he had been right for hours.

     Instead, I followed Kyon, wondering what Itsuki would try and
talk to him about.

     ***

     Their conversation didn't make sense from what Itsuki had told
me.  Hadn't he said he was working against Kyon to try and help me
stay stable?  Why he was always so supportive of me?  There ... it
sounded completely the opposite -- that Itsuki was trying to demand
that Kyon influence me.

     ...there is no point in denying at this point that he could
influence me back then.  I wouldn't have erased that tape if I hadn't
cared.  And the reason for that was that ... I had ... feelings for
Kyon.  I'd thought that he....

     Before the betrayal, anyway....

     But that image of him ... that was more like the Kyon I
remembered.  He looked more haggard, angry at his situation, and upset
about Itsuki pressuring him.  And why wouldn't he?

     I didn't know what to feel -- after encountering Nonoko, then
going back and making myself look at this....  I wanted someone to
tell me that it was okay; to hold me and give me what I needed to
somehow feel better -- to have ... closure.  I couldn't run back to
Itsuki, though -- not yet.  No matter what I _wanted_ ... I _needed_
to find the truth.

     Maybe ... this was before Kyon had joined up with enemy factions?
 Groping somewhat blindly with my powers, but confident that if I'd
done it once, I could do it again, I reached for such a meeting.  Who
had Kyon met with behind my back?  Where could I find what I was
looking for?

     The world around me shifted away again, and I found myself in the
clubroom....  I remembered the room, even if I hadn't been there since
that day, so long ago.  Hadn't been to a school since....

     Well, there was that earthquake in Peru, but that hardly counted.

     I didn't immediately recognize the woman in the room, staring at
the costume rack with a sweet smile -- frozen, like all time was for
the moment.  She was dressed well enough, and looked like a very
attractive young teacher.  Something about her seemed familiar, and I
studied the unknown for a while before resuming time.  She would
introduce herself to Kyon, wouldn't she?

     The door opened, and the idiot came in, eyes immediately going to
the woman's chest when she bounced over -- and introduced herself.  I
almost cried out and grabbed the woman when she opened up her shirt --
before she pointed out the mole.  Mikuru....

     But ... I had thought that Mikuru was _dead_!  That I had somehow
accidentally killed her!  And now, some older, future instance of her
had just shown up?

     She told Kyon she was the same person ... a clone?  A....  A
look-alike?  But, no, that mole....

     How did this make sense?  Had she somehow planned the entire
thing?  To make me mad and lash out at Kyon?

     But ... _why_?

     And then she told Kyon to -- of all things -- _not_ get close to
her!  What had she been planning?  What was her game?

     It made no sense, so when Kyon stood there, I followed the woman
out.  Where would she go, anyway?  A handful of steps down the
corridor, I jolted again, not expecting to see Yuki as well....  Yuki,
alive and well.  Kyon, happy and stupefied.  And this older Mikuru,
walking purposefully away, unable to meet Yuki's eyes as she scurried
down the hall.

     I followed her further.  She slowed down on the staircase to the
hallway that connected the clubhouse to the old building, where it was
empty, just the two of us.  Just her, from her perspective.

     "Suzumiya-san," she said suddenly, looking to one side, casting
about as though searching for me.  "I can't actually perceive you, but
I have prior knowledge that you are here.  If you follow me, there's a
place where we can speak safely without damaging the time-plane, since
neither of us are truly a part of it, right now."  Then she turned and
moved down the hall again.

     I just kept on following her.

     She walked with the same purpose, marching to an empty classroom
and stepping inside.  After she closed the door, she heaved an unhappy
sigh, her expression worried.

     As it should be ... though, I was shocked that she had the
courage to face me.  If what she said was true, and what we did _here_
wouldn't affect the time-stream....

     I didn't even know where to begin.  To cry in relief that she was
still alive?  That I _hadn't_ killed her?  To cry in anger that she
had caused the thing that led to Kyon....

     With some effort, I made myself perceptible, though only to her.
"Why?" was all I could manage to get out, before my voice cracked.  I
wanted to be angry at her -- to say ... if she had survived that, then
maybe this was _her_ fault.  Why did she get to live, when Kyon and
Yuki didn't?  Why did a time traveler, who should have known....

     And maybe she understood, because her eyes, when they turned to
mine, were full of the same unshed tears.

     "Suzumiya-san?" she asked, shaking her head slightly.

     "Why did you do it?" I burst out at her.  "Why did you kiss Kyon?
 If you knew--"  And then, even though I was starting to lose faith in
it, I threw my suspicion at her, screaming, "Why did you trick me into
killing Kyon and Yuki?"

     When she stared at me, I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes.  I
was trying to be angry, but I couldn't keep a grip on it -- fury kept
slipping from my grasp.  Why couldn't I be angrier at her?

     "I swear to you," Mikuru said, her voice surprisingly gentle,
sorrowfully sympathetic.  "Suzumiya-san ... never have I done anything
to act against you -- everything I've ever done was to preserve the
stability of the time-planes.  Truthfully, I _can't_ act here, in
these times ... physically, I can't have any effect.  Only as
information can I provide any impact ... that's simply a limitation of
classified--"

     She cut herself off with a sigh, and before I could press, the
woman stepped closer -- too close.  I wanted to protest, but my weak
barriers and defenses crumbled instantly; my body wouldn't give me the
strength to shove Mikuru away as she pulled me to her, holding me
tightly against her.

     "I never attempted or intended to act against you ... and
Kyon-kun didn't, either.  He did assist me on a few occasions, doing
things that manipulated the state of the path of time between here and
the future I come from -- to make sure it's preserved and stable.
Patching holes in the classified--"  She huffed a sigh and shook her
head sharply.  "Neither of us ever did anything to harm you on
purpose."

     Inside, something gave way, and I found myself leaning entirely
on her for support, all of the pent up tears rushing forth,
uncontrolled.  For all of my power, for everything I had done, I felt
weaker than a child, held in the arms of a woman who should by all
rights be dead -- in an accident that I had caused.

     This wasn't right.  This wasn't right at all.  Before I
completely broke down, I managed to gasp out, "But ... if you
survived, then maybe he did too, right?  Mikuru-chan--  Couldn't ...
he still escape?"

     I couldn't see her eyes through my tears, and my face was pressed
into her neck, soaking her collar.  There had to be some way -- if I'd
come this way ... maybe Kyon could be saved?

     She sounded slightly distracted as she said, almost as if
quoting, "He ceased existing on this time-plane shortly after Koizumi
... spoke to you."

     There were still other straws to grasp at.  "W...what about ...
Yuki?" I cried.  "Even if she was working against me...."

     "...no, Suzumiya-san, Nagato....  Nagato was never ordered to do
more than observe, to the best of my knowledge," she answered.

     Somehow, they were slipping through my fingers anyway....
"B...but....  But...."  I regained enough self control to speak
clearly, though I was still shaking.  "She had to ... that's why ... I
got rid of them ... of Kyon in self-defense.  H...he was trying
something that ... would have...."

     "Suzumiya-san ... would Kyon kissing someone else truly do such a
thing?  I ... realize that this was wrong of me because it must have
hurt you, and nothing can change that -- but don't blame him.  My
younger self only thought it was a chance to try and make him feel
happier, and to confess...."

     "It did," she sobbed, the last of her denial torn away like a
fresh scab -- exposing the unhealed wound beneath.  It was petty and
pathetic ... how had she....  Why did she believe....

     But because Itsuki was John Smith....

     That was what had happened.  For all the consolation she was
offering, and the sad comfort it really provided -- wasn't Mikuru just
trying to tell me not to blame her _or_ myself?  Who else was there to
blame?

     Only ... Kyon....

     I pushed away from Mikuru, still shaking.  I needed to see
Itsuki--  No.  I needed to see _him_ again.  She was just too much for
me to handle.  I wished, somehow, that she could fix things after all,
find some way to save Kyon....  "I'm sorry," I whispered, sending
myself back to that Tanabata, long ago -- back to the one person that
meant the most to me, that gave me a purpose and a direction when I
had none.

     She'd still be there, of course.  Her younger self, anyway ...
but it wouldn't matter.  So would John Smith.

     ***

     East Middle School was exactly as I remembered it, except for the
now much younger copy of me, frozen climbing over the fence.  From the
inside, with the gate and my younger self's hair in the way, I
couldn't make out Itsuki's face yet.  That was fine, though.  I turned
away, letting the scene play out.

     It was soothing, after that confrontation ... and if I needed, I
could return to the barest instant before I had left, and confront
Mikuru again.

     I couldn't make out his voice -- John Smith's.  It was too low.
I could hear myself, demanding, whiny ... not knowing why this person
who I wouldn't know for years was an esper was helping me.

     While my younger self and John Smith toiled, I climbed the
staircase at the side of the great lawn and then looked at the pair in
the dimness.  Of course, there was the younger Mikuru -- still
unconscious.

     I closed my eyes as John Smith labored in the field below, and my
younger self -- from not far away -- barked out orders.  I was almost
cute ... but mostly, cringed at how poorly I was really treating John
Smith.

     I was a child, then, though.  It would take them a little more
than two hours to finish, so I closed my eyes and listened to my
shrill barks, and his occasional, almost inaudible grumbles.  John
Smith must have had less patience then....

     Surrounded by the perfect scene, I let myself think about things.
 Going backwards, from the point we'd left CERN....

     Trying to put myself back together after....

     If I teleported directly from Hayate's to Nonoko ... and I didn't
even know where she was, why was one of Itsuki's people already there?
 They had to have been following _her_, not _me_.  But why?  She
wasn't in danger ... she was just related to one of my unfortunate
victims.  Who would want to hurt her?

     Or ... was she somehow a threat?  That was insane -- she was
smaller than me, with no power.  She knew it probably even better than
I did; why else would she carry around so much impotent rage?  Was it
a ploy?  Her working with some conspiracy?  Some dark group?

     But she was friends with ... Sasaki.  And ... Sasaki wasn't that
stupid.  She'd give the best information she could, based on what the
world knew, so even the possibility of her setting Nonoko up to
deliver that information....

     A conspiracy just for that street confrontation?  That _I_ had initiated?

     Even if that were true ... there was no good reason to keep
Kyon's sister from telling me the truth of her she felt.  Unless
somehow ... someone thought that this might happen?

     Was it that ... somehow ... Itsuki wanted to keep me from finding
out that it wasn't self defense?  That I _had_ ... done what I did out
of careless anger?  That would have to mean, then, that he had lied to
me....

     Why would he have gone to such lengths to hide the truth of the
past from me?

     Exhausted, and done with the work of making the pattern --
actually, almost flawlessly -- John Smith marched up and then slumped
on the steps tiredly, while my younger self tried not to steal glances
at him, pretending to study the symbols.  Then she did study them.

     The part I was waiting for, that fateful conversation....

     Except....  Except, I knew that voice.  I had heard it so many
times, but more important ... from my perspective, I had heard it only
a few hours ago.

     The person who sat on the steps and told my younger self that he
was called 'John Smith' was not Itsuki at all.

     ***

     It was tiring managing all of the communications that revolved
around Haruhi ... Itsuki's beloved Haruhi.  He'd worked so hard to
teach her what she could be -- to show her how careful she must be.

     And in the end, the world was a better place for it.  She found
her new joy in helping after disasters, assisting scientists and
expanding the limits of human knowledge....  He'd found a way to
harness her powers for the good of all.

     Then, even though it was difficult, he'd taught her to enjoy it,
and to leave the past behind.

     Still ... he couldn't shake the feeling that something recently
had been .. _off_ about his connection with her.  Not closed space --
once she'd been able to understand those, she had prevented them from
occurring anymore.  But ... they'd become lovers before he'd confessed
to the link between them, and she'd agreed to leave it in place in the
end.

     Vaguely, he felt her stress across that link.  But why would she
be alarmed or agitated?

     Concerned, he left his office, heading towards where he felt her
-- upstairs in their apartment.  She would have just finished tutoring
that boy -- Hayate, wasn't it?

     By the time the elevator reached their penthouse apartment and he
stepped inside, she was already sitting on the large sofa, almost
dwarfed by it, but furiously intent on her book.  A large tome -- one
of the photo albums they had made, he realized, drawing to her side.
His smile slipped as he looked at the page and recognizing the
pictures.

     All of the SOS Brigade memorabilia had been thrown out, hadn't
it?  He hadn't been so obvious as to _destroy_ it, of course.  But,
where had she found....

     ...then he realized, there was no point to asking that.  If she
wanted it, she would get it.

     Best to get her mind off the subject, and on to the future.
Seismic conditions in North America were becoming unstable, and Haruhi
enjoyed preventing natural disasters -- or minimizing their effects on
humanity.

     Her fingertips traced for a particularly long time on a picture
of her and Kyon together, him looking ... slightly less annoyed than
he usually did, but still completely, disgracefully failing to respect
the treasure on his arm.  Haruhi, in her high-school outfit, had a
brilliant, beaming smile, more enthusiastic than she'd been since....

     He recalled when it was, then -- when she had been recognized for
the movie they had made together, after her performance on stage.  The
day after, of course, as she wasn't wearing the outfit that she had
performed in.

     This wasn't good; he needed to get mind off of Kyon immediately.

     "Haruhi," he said gently.  "Are you feeling alright?  You're not
... blaming yourself for that still, are you?"

     And why should she feel bad about that?  It was an unfortunate
price to pay, but ... the world was so much better off.  If things
were left in Kyon's hands, with his inability to recognize how
carefully things had to be managed, things would have fallen apart
completely.  Perhaps even to the point where in Kyon's carelessness,
the world was destroyed, except for him and Haruhi.  He, of course,
wouldn't care, since he would survive.

     The balance of that had never felt right to Itsuki.

     She flipped backwards several pages abruptly, to a picture of
Kyon and his sister, Mikuru in costume and looking uncomfortable about
it between them as the younger girl wrestled with the cat.

     "Itsuki," she said suddenly, her voice unusually strained -- far
more than what he felt across their link suggested.  "Why ... is
Nonoko important?"

     Nonoko was watched, of course ... what would happen if she were
to speak with Haruhi and reopen those old wounds?  But he'd know if
she had gotten near Haruhi -- the girl was watched, outside of her
school, and the agent following her hadn't reported any problems yet.

     "To put it delicately," he said slowly, having long rehearsed
excuses for ... everything he could think of, really, "I felt it would
be best to do on your behalf, as an apology for the ... accident."

     "And why was her 'protector' coming towards us when we were
talking?" she asked, snapping the album shut and tossing it aside, her
gaze now fixed on nothing.  It floated gently to the cushions, and he
swallowed, his lips pressing together.  "Was _I_ dangerous to her?  Or
were you afraid she might tell me something?"

     "I'm not deceiving you," he said.  "I simply believe it's ...
difficult and unpleasant for you to deal with such painful memories --
I only want the best for you -- for the world, after all!  You know
that's true...."

     "I know the truth," she mumbled, her eyes strangely shadowed,
swinging towards his gaze, but not truly meeting it.

     He couldn't help the sense of sudden uneasiness.

     "Koizumi ... do you remember ... the second thing that John Smith
told me?  After the symbol, when I was walking home?" she asked.

     "I...."  There was a second key?  Kyon had....  Of course, he
shouldn't be surprised -- Kyon was inherently undependable.  Why
_would_ he think to mention something so critical?  Another instance
where Itsuki realized with regret that he was right not to trust the
boy with the responsibilities of being Haruhi's chosen.  "It's been so
long...."

     "I remember," she said, shaking her head.  "I won't forget.
Itsuki ... those words were, 'Protect the John Smith who will shake
this world'."

     "...aha, was that it?  I'm sorry my memory is so fuzzy," he said,
smiling uneasily, his heart hammering unsteadily.

     "I--" she began, before halting, shaking her head and rising from
her seat to take an unsteady step towards him, managing an almost
desperate smile as she reached his side, one trembling hand rising to
touch the side of his face.  He put his arms around her, pulling her
towards him, but she resisted coming closer, turning her face aside,
still smiling.

     "I...Itsuki," she said slowly.  "L...listen....  I want you ...
to never die, okay?"

     He blinked in confusion, slow realization dawning.  She was
afraid of his mortality?  Of losing him?  _That_ was what had prompted
-- and was behind -- her renewed interest in the past?  A tiny spark
of joy lit in his chest -- after all he'd done, was she going to give
him such a reward?

     "Never, ever, die..." she began again, her smile intensifying,
her eyes crinkling shut as a pair of tears trickled from beneath the
lids.

     "I will do my best," he swore earnestly, giving her a gentle
smile of his own.

     In a whisper, she concluded, "...just burn."

     "H...Haruhi!" he gasped in realization, recoiling as he felt his
entire body begin to warm.  "Why!?  I--  I only ever wanted to turn
you into this world's savior!  To make the world a better place!"

     "I'm not your toy, Itsuki," she whispered coldly, as the warmth
became uncomfortable heat, spearing in tendrils through his flesh and
deeper into his body.  "After that ... what you made me do....  I'm
going to do to myself whatever it is that I did to Kyon."

     She paused for a moment, while he could still open one eye, the
other already squinted shut against the pain, looking at him with an
empty, regretful expression.  It was hard for him to think straight,
and he was sinking to the ground -- staying upright was too hard.
There was smoke, faintly, the scent of--

     "Goodbye," she breathed.

     ---------------------------------
     Author's notes: Thanks especially to Halbarad for all of his help
with this story so far.  :D

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.