[FFML] [SHnY][Dark] Downfall: Act I -- Betrayal

[Brian Randall]

On Sun, Aug 7, 2011 at 12:23 PM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
> On Sat, Aug 6, 2011 at 7:12 PM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>>     A quiet cough roused him from his distraction, and he tiredly
>> moved his eyes over to the esper behind him, standing just at the edge
>> of the pool of light, his face softly shadowed.
>>
>>     Mikuru had gone ahead, a few steps ahead of Haruhi herself, so it
>> was just the two of them, now....
>>
>>     Still, he couldn't find the energy to move.
>
> Who was the previous target of a male pronoun or name before this last line?

Technically Koizumi; I was trying for stylism (for example, I don't
identify Ryouko in her first appearance, but I don't believe there's
any doubt it's here).  If it's confusing here, it's an easy fix,
though.  Considering the later style, does it work?

> Mixing third person narration with the internal state of a single
> character is always a pain.

Tell me about it.

I'm actually pretty much inept at third person omniscient.  Ruins me
when my PoV character leaves the site of a critical scene before it's
over. :(

>>     He started, realizing he'd almost forgotten his presence somehow,
>
> And in the last few seconds also?

You're right -- axed all references to Koizumi before this.

>>     Difficult?  Kyon thought it was more like _impossible_.
>
> What Would Tanigawa-sama do here? Use fancy formatting or instead use
> a reference that's so absurdly off in left field that it's out of the
> ballpark? Not that styles of others should ever constrain your own
> best judgement.

Those observations don't really fit the tone I'm going for.  Then
again, I'm also jumping PoVs a lot, too.

>> "Okay," he
>> sighed, leaning closer than he would have liked to the other boy to
>> whisper.
>
> He's sighing out Okay, or does the sigh occur later. Perhaps a break
> up, this sentence could use?

Actually, I kind of have redundant speech indicators there anyway.
Bad writer!  No biscuit!

So:

     Kyon almost laughed, managing a nod, feeling that -- for once --
the esper had shown enough of his true face that he could be honest.
If even the normally unflappable Itsuki were so shaken.  He sighed,
leaning closer than he would have liked to the other boy to whisper,
"Okay...."  Arakawa obligingly turned on the radio, filling the front
with noise as Kyon explained what his trump card actually was.



>>          -Asahina Mikuru
>
> No fancy envelope this time?

Oh, yeah -- a familiar envelope it is.

>> She could still focus on and get through
>> her lessons, but it was sheer tedium, and only the consolation of
>> seeing that he was upset too was able to keep her from screaming in
>> frustration about the entire thing.
>
> This sentence is so long and twisty that it's almost Cobbian.

I think I can break it cleanly in twain at the ', and'.  And then polish.

>>     Angry, she turned course without hesitation.  If Kyon wouldn't
>> bother with school, she _absolutely_ wouldn't.  Club meetings were
>> canceled on behalf of Yuki anyway, so what did it matter?
>
> Changed course?

Good call.

> The first fanfic writer to show how the world works from inside
> Haruhi's head will deserve an award of some kind. We know how
> improbably Kyon thinks, so they'll need to push past that mark.

I think Halbarad gave it a very good shot in Under Review, and some of
Arty d'Espy's (probably spelled that wrong) short drabbles feel like
they do a pretty good job.  I expect she's not as eccentric on the
inside as she would have wanted people to believe initially.

>>     He said nothing else as they rounded the gate corner, and could
>> see Kyon's form ahead, jogging down the street.  She watched him turn
>
> Why hop between two watchers here? What is gained?

First sentence is missing a 'they' between 'and' and 'could' -- thanks
for catching that.

Shouldn't have scanned like a PoV shift. :x

I scene break for PoV shifts (I'm that bad).

> She's clearly a ringer. The message was _not_ to escape Haruhi, but
> instead to escape the real Mikuru.

I forgot to include the tagline at the start of the chapter:

"You can trust your friends ... right?"

>> It was silent for a moment,
>> him trying to understand her motivations while she seemed to put
>> something together in her head.
>
> I kinda want to put "with" before him, but mostly I want to break this
> sentence up.

It's a bit disjointed, I think I will indeed break it up.  Some of the
scenes are a bit too abrupt, even though I was trying for generally
very concise scenes.  Hmm, Ryouko's exposition was kind of wordy,
wasn't it?

Ryouko: Shipper's gonna ship, villains gonna monologue.

Fair point.

Ryouko: You going to give me a good end any time soon?  Hooking me up
with the otaku was low.

*cough*

Anyway.

>>     Slipping onto the train behind Kyon without being spotted was
>> trick[i]er than she'd expected -- and getting off was harder still ...
>> but thanks to a tide of salary-men, she and Itsuki had found enough
>> cover to pursue undetected.
>
> Again with the sudden unexplained shift of pronouns.

That's the style.  I though it would be obvious through inference --
who else is running after Kyon with Koizumi?  (Thanks for spotting the
spelling error, too; my reliance on a spellchecker shows through once
more.)

I guess it can also come across as lazy, and one other reviewer said
that they were confused, so it seems that it's not working for
everyone.

Mmm, perhaps I can cheat and have characters not identified in
narrative, but through dialog?  Better save that idea for another fic
-- for here, I will revise and add at least first instances to
properly identify PoV characters (pity; was hoping I was doing a good
enough job to make it obvious.  Contrasted against the also shorter
scenes, I can see how this could have failed to follow through on my
design goal; I will work on that in the future).

>>     "W...what?" he managed, confused.  As much as he wanted to like
>> the idea of Mikuru confessing to him, that was just too much -- too
>> forward.  This was more in line with that strange copy he had seen in
>> the mansion over the winter break!  But ... he couldn't just pull down
>> the front of her sun dress and stare at her chest to look for the mole
>> and it wasn't low cut enough for him to see as things were.
>
> So he missed all the clues up to this point?

Unfortunately, Kyon is not the hero of this story.

Okay, thanks for those catches -- I should have act two up within the hour. :3

> -HJC

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.