[FFML] [SHnY] The Pillar of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Brian Randall]

It's taken me a bit to get back to this one because I was working on NG+. >.>

Anyway.

> The Sunday newspaper devoted the front page to the heroics of the magical
> girls and about the lives they had saved. There were two victims who had
> been killed before the magical girls had arrived. It seemed that this hoax
> had gone very badly. No wonder nobody had claimed any credit for it.

Hmm.  Kyon's go-to-reaction to me feels like it'd be indifference, not
skepticism.  I think he'd reflect, "Nah, that'd be way too
convenient," or his 'logical' explanation would be that Haruhi and the
other girls ditched him to see the 'show', (which would ... somewhat
make sense).

> I turned around. "Haruhi, do you suppose these magical girls are the espers
> you were looking for?"
>
> "Oh please, it's an obvious hoax. Aren't we all a little too old to believe
> in magical girls?"

When did Kyon get on a first-name basis with Haruhi?

And Haruhi's 180 here is really ... hurting her cause more than
helping it.  It'd be more sensible for her to claim to be
indifferent/unaware.

> This was a group I just was not fitting in with.

This is a huge problem (for me) with your entire story so far, and the
fact that the narrator is pointing out just hammers it home.

I really can't understand why Haruhi is even speaking to Kyon at this
point.  If her 'character growth' is to create a club of magical girls
and hide it from other people, about the dumbest thing she could
possibly do is keep someone (Kyon) around while very obviously acting
strangely.  Yeah, there is a five person minimum, but they've not
reached that anyway, so that doesn't seem like it had bearing on
things.

Based on her reaction to Kyon complimenting her hair, she doesn't
actually _like_ him, and he did _nothing_ to reassure her emotional
stability (after a year+ in Cephiro, she most certainly needs him for
nothing -- she's got Yuki (who 'belongs to her', and Mikuru)).  So
why's she keeping him around?

What's Kyon's role in the story?  He's moved from protagonist to
narrator, but since your character growth was offscreen, and the
characters are trying to hide everything from him, he doesn't have a
whole lot to narrate.  It was mildly amusing to have him get caught
looking at porn and have Haruhi be indifferent (even though I think
Kyon, of all people, would be much more subtle about that in a public
library -- didn't he even comment he had a stash at home anyway?).

 I paced a few times in the room then looked over Miss Nagato's
> shoulder. "Say, isn't that the same style of armor that those magical girls
> used?"
>
> "Kyon, get some water and make some tea."

Haruhi should _really_ be smarter than this.  If every time Kyon tries
to get involved, Haruhi makes up chores, Kyon will just have every
justification to be super-lazy.

> "Aren't we all a little too old to be playing dress up?"
>
> Misses Nagato and Asahina looked up at this and I swear they almost giggled
> at the joke.

At least they were amused....

At the end of the day, Haruhi's behavior to Kyon is arguably kinder,
but instead of being somewhat tsundere towards him, she's a
Determinator focused on issues that are beyond his ability to observe
(and hence narrate).  Effectively, she's a part-time Cloud
Coocoolander/Knight Templar.  Your 'offscreen character growth plan'
did not take making her a sympathetic character into account, I feel.

Kyon comes across as slightly less competent than usual contrasted
against this (and given even less motivation on his part).  Usually,
it's Haruhi who's Locked out of the Loop, which kind of balances out

Mikuru and Yuki feel off, but I think you've decided they're normal
girls who became magical girls, so.

Generally, I feel you need to work on why Kyon sticks with this group
of people/what reasons Haruhi has to keep him there.  Haruhi's
character growth as displayed seems to be completely limited to 'hold
back her anger'.  She doesn't really feel like she's developed much,
other than being a little bitter from getting on the wrong side of Be
Careful What You Wish For and maintaining a Masquerade for purposes
unknown.

I wish I could be more supportive, but I admit, I get kind of a
'downer' vibe from the whole thing, and it feels like you're angling
for Bad End, which is not my cup of tea. :x

> -HJC

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.