[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Mikuru's Big Secret [rough draft version]

[Brian Randall]

Hi, there.  I'm going to try my hand at C&Cing again, because it's
been a while.  So, I'll apologize in advance if my tone is harsh; I'm
woefully out of practice.  And I can't remember the last time I sent
you or the other people who share your user name commentary, so....

Anyway.  I'm a jerk, but I only yell because I care; if I genuinely
see nothing worth commenting on, I won't bother posting.

On Sat, Mar 6, 2010 at 5:41 PM, Sexy Neko Hibiki The Goddess Of
Arethia <nekohibiki at comcast.net> wrote:
>
> Disclaimer : "Here Disclaimer!" *Whistles* "C'mon boy!" *Claps hands now*
> "Come here Disclaimer!"
>
> Disclaimer : Haruhi and its characters do not belong to me, but to some
> Japanese people.

Being clever aside, there have been *cough* a number of Haruhi fics
posted over the last week or so; it wouldn't have killed you to have
copied ... someone else's ... disclaimer.

	The light novel series for Suzumiya Haruhi is the creation of Nagaru
Tanigawa.  The animation is produced by Kyoto Animation.

You also didn't tell us if this is anime or novel continuity, even if
they are very close.

> Prologue Mikuru is a -what- now?!

Prologue Mikuru is Prologue?  There seems to be missing punctuation
here.  Either a full-stop between 'Prologue' and 'Mikuru', or maybe a
colon, or a hyphen.

> I was on my back home from a late meeting of the SOS Brigade. I was the last
> one, besides Haruhi, to leave.

'meeting of the SOS Brigade' sounds somewhat stilted; the opening line
in total is a big weak, really.  This is your primary hook (other than
the question in your prologue's subtitle); make it sharp.

I'd suggest rewording, possibly something along the lines of:

"It was on the way back home from a meeting of the SOS Brigade when I saw it."

This establishes that something unusual is happening -- even in the
world of Haruhi, while leaving the reader with a question of what 'it'
is.

The second line is also awkward, since it doesn't convey much, and
other than Kyon (presumably; maybe this is Koizumi) and Haruhi leaving
last.  You can combine the dropped 'late' line with it to make it more
relevant (or if this IS Kyon, an opportunity to work some snide
Kyon-like commentary in:)

"Thanks to Haruhi keeping me behind as 'punishment' for some vague
reason, we had been the last to leave."

Or something similar.

> I was taking a route I had never taken before in order to get home on time.
> I heard a scream of fright, horror, and terror. I turned and ran to a nearby
> alley.

First sentence is really weak.  I think you're trying to explain that
Kyon is deviating from his normal route, and if that hadn't happened,
he never would have encountered the event, but the delivery is
stilted.  It's also immediately followed by something really flat for
what should be a scary experience.  I think three descriptors that all
mean the same thing is a bit much -- I'd trim it to just 'terror' (for
some reason, feels more effective).  Something like:

"An unfamiliar sound rent the night air; a bloodcurdling shriek of terror."

You also need to have Kyon react to it emotively.  Unless this is
Nagato Yuki, in which case, I would expect her analysis to be more
needlessly technical and stiff (or a poem, like the story she wrote
for Editor in Chief * Straight Ahead in volume 8).

But I believe this is Kyon, so: Either he's worried/scared but wants
to see what's happening (and it's his PoV, so we should know why), or
he's rationalizing and tells us that he's absolutely unafraid with so
much conviction we can see through it.  Something like:

"Knees shaking, but realizing that this might involve Haruhi -- somehow --" etc.

or:

"I would like to establish here I was afraid of absolutely nothing
more than Haruhi deciding that this warranted investigation.  Once I
identified the incident...."  etc.

Though, the former seems truer to his character to me.

> There wasn't much light, but there was enough to see the... thing.

There ... there -- change second instance of 'there' to 'it'.

> I just stared, rooted to the spot by fear and terror. The thing was holding
> a young teenage girl down and... ripping her apart. It was tearing her flesh
> and then... .. .. it started eating her.

Did I mention repetition of 'fear' 'horror' and 'terror'?  Maybe
another word, like 'shock'?

Lots of ellipses.  Reduce the total mass in the second occurrence to a
mere '...', evenly spaced (or not spaced; in either instance, be
consistent).  The exception to this is an ellipses which terminates a
sentence, which can have four (but the following word would need to be
capitalized).

young teenage -- you can probably drop one of these two words

> The girl was still alive as she was feasted on, I will never forget those
> screams. I don't know how long I stayed there, I was too afraid to move. I
> thought if I stayed still it wouldn't notice me.

Kyon heard it from the street.  I know this is Japan, and people tend
to try not to notice things that are difficult for them, but repeated
screams will attract attention from more than just him, even in the
evening -- unless Haruhi kept him at the club until 11:00 PM or later.

> I do not know how much time passed, but the thing had finished it's dinner
> and was now licking the blood, and... other stuff I didn't want to think
> about off of it's fur. It started toward the entrance to the alley. Then it
> changed, took a human form.

it's --> its

Kyon seems remarkably unconcerned about this horrifying monster moving
towards him.  Let me remind you that he fled in terror from Asakura
Ryouko when he thought she was a mere yandere with a combat knife, to
say nothing of when things started to get ... weird.  And she never
even managed to hurt him; this thing just killed and ate someone.

Either he needs to show some emotions, or it needs to be made clear
he's too numbed by shock to feel anything.

> It's new form was a girl, too much shadow for me to make out much details.
> But the two large mounds on her chest gave away her gender. She was happily
> licking the blood off of herself.

it's --> its

off of -- off

> I was petrified. I had just witnessed what could only be a werewolf eat a
> girl, and now the girl it had turned into was happily (if judging by the
> noises she made) licking the blood off of the back of her right hand. She
> started toward the entrance and I could see her clearly for that moment now.

Here's the explanation of shock that should have been before/with the
'creature' moving towards him.

> I was so startled when I saw her face I blurted out "Mikuru-chan?!"

Only Tsuruya and Haruhi actually call Mikuru that.  Mikuru asked Kyon
to call her that, but he still calls her 'Asahina-san' (even in his
mental narrative).  And even if he did call her that, I think the
'killing and eating of a young girl' might invoke a bit more
formality.

> She turned to stare at me, her expression became alarmed, and her eyes were
> wide with what looked like fright right now.
>
> She looked at me, blood and other stuff I didn't want to think about now,
> dripping down her chin and said voice quavering "Kyon-kun?!"

This is the second 'other stuff' reference to (presumably) viscera or
gore.  Second sentence beginning with 'she'; not required, but I'd
actually suggest reordering it to start with something else.

quavering "Kyon-kun -- quavering, "Kyon-kun

> AN : Should I continue this or forget about it now? Please let me know if
> you want this continued of if I should just stop.

It's hard to buy, really.  It's not impossible (in the Haruhi
universe, nothing is), but Mikuru isn't the best candidate for it.
She doesn't really like going to Nagato, and she really really doesn't
like Nagato biting her to inject nanites, but since that's all she'd
need to do for a cure....  If you're saying that Mikuru is a
time-traveling werewolf, and went back in time with this pre-existing
condition, that's ... very strange, since according to her explanation
of the laws of timetravel, she can't interfere directly (and eating
people comes across as direct interference, to me).  And that's not a
'she's not allowed to', that's a 'it causes a time paradox and can't
happen'.  That's why she can't get into relationships.

Admittedly, she could have been lying, but Asahina-san (big) saying
nothing about it seems very strange.

If Haruhi did it to Mikuru, then Kyon should have foreshadowed either
by complaining about Haruhi talking about them or something similar.
But that still takes us back to the idea of this being a recent issue
for Mikuru, and Nagato's nanites providing an instant solution.

If plot requires that Mikuru be a werewolf no matter what, it's still
hard to see any kind of metamorphic genetic anomaly that Nagato
couldn't handle -- hell, if they knew what they were dealing with,
Koizumi and his Agency could have it handled just as easily with a
reinforced cell and a side of beef.

So, I think the premise is weak, the delivery is flat, and the
character choice is unlikely.  More work to flesh it out can fix all
of these things

That being said, your technical writing skill is significantly
improved from when you initially started posting.  Your technique is a
bit wobbly, but what I'd suggest most for you is to stop writing these
story seeds you immediately abandon.  I mean this in a supportive way;
choose whichever one you like best, and work at it.  Develop it and
actually see any one of the probably hundreds of stories you've
started through to the end.  Any one of them; it doesn't particularly
matter which.  This will give you a better chance to actually develop
story arcs, and a more comprehensive understanding of the literary
tools at your disposal.

Apologies, but I'm somewhat tired of seeing, "Yet another Kitsune idea
that will never be touched again," posted to the list.  Follow
through; develop your technique.  Challenge yourself, and grow as a
writer.  You've improved in skill, so it is entirely within your
grasp.  If you're not willing to put in that effort ... why should I?

At any rate, I've rambled on longer than the contents of your fic, so
let me sum this all up with: good luck.

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.