[FFML] [SM] The Last Ride

[Aaron Nowack]

On 12/31/2009 1:06 AM, David McMillan wrote:
> Aaron Nowack wrote:

> 	It's my type of story: one last unsung, unwitnessed stand against the 
> darkness, just for the principle of the thing.  It's well-written, I 
> like the scene cuts with foreshadowing and call-backs from the future.
> 	But... this bit:
>> ***********************************************************************
>> 
>>         The music of the youma was not known to any human, save Nephrite
>> the Arch-Traitor, who made a brief study of it during the long years of
>> his imprisonment.  None of his peers, nor his queen, cared to learn of
>> the fearsome chant-howls, and the knowledge died with him.  He learned
>> that the youma music involved the emotions that ruled their lives -
>> hatred and fear - and not more complicated concepts like specific
>> events.  He never made the connection between one particular fear-chant
>> and the last ride of the High King.
>> 
>> ***********************************************************************
> 
> 	Doesn't quite work.  Or rather, it works in and of itself quite 
> splendidly, but there's nothing to *support* it later.  Endymion Sr 
> basically chops down one low-order youma, wins a stardown with Jadeite, 
> then gets curbstomped and tortured to death by Beryl.  There just 
> doesn't seem to be enough there to carry E-Sr into the annals of Youma 
> lore.

Yeah, you're probably right... I suppose I'll have to think on whether
there's any way to tweak this to work better before I "finalize" the story.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and thank you for the C&C!

	Aaron Nowack