[FFML] [Haruhi] (title witheld)

[Brian Randall]

On Fri, Feb 19, 2010 at 2:09 AM,  <miashara at deepfriedpuppies.com> wrote:
> Quoting Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com>:
>
>>       ---------------------------------
>>      Every story has a begining, but it's hard to look for the start
>> of this one.  I could say it started when I met her.  I could say it
>> started when she rewrote the world.  Or, I suppose, I could say that
>> it started four years ago, when everything came into alignment.
>
> <snip>
>
>>      So, why don't we go to the point where I stopped reacting?  Let's
>> call that the begining, even though it isn't, really.
>
> beginning
>
> Not sure why you had the part before, if even the narrator recognizes
> it isn't material to the events at hand.

Kyon is an Unreliable Narrator (
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/UnreliableNarrator ) much
of the time.  The issue is that Kyon's had some awareness a truth he
doesn't acknowledge, either in narration, or conversation with people
who question him about it directly.

> It took me a few read throughs to pinpoint where you switch from past
> to present tense. That line above, "...stopped reacting..." puts the
> point in the past, yet you narrative it present. If you want the
> present, hey, rock on, but the starting segment leaves the nature of
> the tense change somewhat confusing.

The tense change here is intentional (though, elsewhere it would be
because the first half of the prologue was written two or three years
ago, before I got crushed with writer's block).  It's meant to be
stylistic, so that when he stops BSing around and tries to get to the
point (as much as he does), the tense switches.

It could just fail.  I'm not really happy with most of this fic, but
if it lets me work out my writer's block ... well, I'll take what I
can get.

>>      Yuki-chan, unpreturbed, merely flips to the next page in her
>> book.  Today it's 'Interface'.
>
> unperturbed

Ugh, forgot to spellcheck entirely, thanks. >_<

>> realizing it.  Other mediums would undoubtedly offer other, equally
>> annoying and transparent devices to destroy my plan, or make things
>> unneccesarily difficult.
>
> unnecessarily

And again. <.<

>>      "'Just read the news'," I say sighing.  "Information analysis and
>> logic can carry us a good distance, can reveal facts that a casual
>> glance could overlook.  Going in head first would allow anyone with
>> something to hide to know that we were people to hide things from."
>
> I find his logic fallacious.

He is totally BSing.  :p

> But then, it doesn't need to be correct. Only his argument must work,
> and it seems to do that.
>
> Anyway, you clearly intended to write this as an informal monologue.
> Little jarring at points, but I also wasn't really expecting it. The
> fic is short enough that doesn't pose any real problems.
>
> What I am kind of curious about was whether you intended to have any
> conflict beyond Kyon suckering Haruhi into walking him home. The scene
> seemed set up for a intense social battle, but that never arose. Of
> course if it was just a one gag idea, that's probably for the better.

I'm now working on the second revision of the next three chapters, but
I'm still not really happy with the third one.  Ultimately, the
problem is that I'm more of an action-oriented writer, and the story
is a bit dull.  OTOH, just throwing in conflict for the sake of
conflict seems forced.

So, long discussions and nearly-as-long introspection, which isn't
really great either.  Trying to find a middle ground, but I have a
suspicion that I'm not going to be brilliant at writing this sort of
thing my first time through.

Still, can't learn without trying, so....

> Anyway, good read. Thanks.

Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for taking the time to C&C. :)

Sorry about the delay in replying; lost my internets for a while.

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.