[FFML] [Ranma/Marvel] Avenging Act IV Chapter 1

[Chester Castañeda]

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Hmmm. Seventeen pages on my word processor? This chapter seems to be
on the lean side when compared to the thirty-pagers you used to churn
out. Then again, I am impressed with the way your stories have been
straight to the point as of late. If anything, pacing has never been a
problem with Avenging. ^_^

On Thu, Apr 8, 2010 at 12:06 AM, DB Sommer <sommert at connecttime.net> wrote:
>
> Been having problem with recieving list email, so make sure it's also
> sent to me with Reply All, if you don't mind.

Hope it's just a hiccup on the FFML's part, then, since this third
(fourth?) incarnation of the mailing list has been holding up quite
well otherwise.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This is a minor nitpick, but I noticed that your scene breaks in this
story are, well, inconsistent. Suggest revision for consistency (yes,
it's a bit anal-retentive on my part to note, and yes, you may have
done it on other chapters before, but it's one of the first things
that I noticed when scanning your fic; go figure).

> Sitting at their meeting table was an attractive young woman, about the
> same age as him, with her long black hair tied into a ponytail that hung
> off the side of her head. She smiled warmly at him.
>
> Captain Japan pointed an accusatory finger at her. “What did you do to
> my teammates?”

Heh. I like how this was the very first reaction that the good captain
had. It's very much in line with the characterization you've given him
in this story. Kudos.

> The girl raised a quizzical eyebrow. “I’ve provided them with a
> headquarters, operating expenses, and a weekly stipend.”

Nitpick: a headquarters --> headquarters (the 'a' sounds awkward to me
for some reason; must be because my common usage of the word usually
necessitates 'headquarters' without the 'a'; do correct me if I'm
mistaken with this correction).

> “Err, that doesn’t sound too evil.”
>
> “I should hope not. I’m Kodachi Kunou, your benefactress.” She rose and
> bowed before him.

Ah. Oh yeah. They never met, face to face; more like faceplate to mask, really.

> “Oh, pleased to meet you.” He bowed back, then rose up. “This ain’t the
> time for introductions. We got an emergency.” Most likely it was another
> world beater, like the Mandarin, MODOK, or Master Vamp and his Allies of
> Evil.

Sounds like the list of items and issues of a Silver Age comic fan's
shopping bag. All it needs is that dragon that wears spandex briefs.
Fing Fang? Foom.

> “What’s the emergency and where are the others?” Captain Japan asked.
>
> Kodachi’s delight grew. “It’s an emergency only you can help me with. I
> need a dat… bodyguard, for a function tonight.”

Heh. Well now, that's more like the Kodachi I'm familiar with. This is
more reminiscent anime characterization than manga, admittedly, but
only because the manga doesn't nearly expose Kodachi as the anime.

> Therefore I’ll require the services of someone else to protect me. If

Revise: Therefore I'll --> Therefore, I'll

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Use of comma:

5. After certain introductory elements,
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.

> Captain Japan thought about that. Charities definitely fell under the
> ‘paragon of virtue’ standard he was supposed to be, and no doubt it was

Suggest: supposed to be --> supposed to embody

> Kodachi gave a delighted clap of her hands. “Excellent.” She snapped her
> fingers and a small army of tailors emerged from the rear entryway and
> descended upon Captain Japan.

Er, you're not going to do the tux-wearing superhero who still has his
mask on, are you? That's so... "The Tick".

Captain Japan: Why not? Ranma 1/2 was a comedy too, you know.

> Captain Japan sighed. This was not turning out the way he had thought.
> Now he was sorry he had agreed to the whole thing. But he had, and he
> wouldn’t go back on his word even if he wasn’t a paragon of virtue.

Yeah, outright refusals just aren't your style here or in canon.

> Still there was no way he could let her know his secret identity. He was
> going to have to think fast.

Your tuxedo only needs a mask now.

(theme of Tuxedo Kamen plays in the background)

Ew. Sucks to be you.

> Mentallo looked at the electronic pad in his hand. “Yep. Three Cobalt
> Cannons, including this one. Also there’s a Cobalt Cuffs System, a
> Cobaltronic ray, which is opposed to the Cobalt Ray Weapon, and a Cobalt
> Bomb.”

...So where's the Cobalt Man who's supposed to own all this stuff?

Mentallo: He's off fighting Megaman in Megaman 10?

> “This is why I hate doing inventory,” Fixer sighed.

Suggest: inventory," Fixer sighed. --> inventory." Fixer sighed.

Then again, I will admit that there are people who say "sigh" is a
valid speech indicator, although it _is_ a bit unwieldy.

> Currently the pair were in Hydra’s main storage facility (nicknamed the

Revise: Currently the pair --> Currently, the pair

Use of comma:

5. After certain introductory elements,
(e) After an introductory adverbial element.

> Swords, ray guns, robots, and even chemicals, such as Formula 410 (which
> safely cleaned porcelain, enamel, glass, and all consciousness from the
> brain)

Heh.

> Mentallo’s head jerked so suddenly he almost gave himself a case of
> whiplash. “Whoa, I sense something evil nearby.”
>
> Fixer panicked. “The Hydra Legal Division?”

*da-dum-twish!*

Guisman (Double Dragon the Movie): You think I'm bad? You should meet my lawyer!

> “No. I mean the type of evil that feels like an inky cloud of darkness
> creeping over your soul, not the type that tortures you while
> overbilling you for it.

Shampoo: Very important qualifier.

> It’s in this direction.” He navigated the aisles
> of the warehouse, moving unerringly until he stopped directly in front
> of some kind of bulky, weird-looking, golden helmet with a large ‘V’
> symbol on the top.

Suggest: bulky, weird-looking golden helmet (comma muyo)

> Fixer read the information sheet under it. “According to this it was

Suggest: this it --> this, it

Use of comma:

5. After certain introductory elements,
 (c) After a succession of introductory prepositional phrases.

> building and to his death. Evidently he confused falling with flying.”

Revise: Evidently he --> Evidently, he

Buzz Lightyear: (nods sagely)

> “We need to report this to the Imperial Hydra.” Mentallo said. “And

Revise: Hydra." Metallo said. --> Hydra," Mentallo said. (use a comma,
because Mentallo _said_ his line, so "Mentallo said" is part of that
sentence)

> whatever you do don’t wear it.”

Revise: do don't --> do, don't (missing comma)

> “Everyone knows evil helms of power are incredibly seductive, the more
> ostentatious and ridiculous the more irresistible they become.”

Suggest: seductive, --> seductive; / seductive... / seductive --

Also: ridiculous the --> ridiculous, the

> Mentallo sighed. This was not going to end well. He could feel it in his
> bones. At least there was one redeeming thing about the situation: there
> were no lesbians involved in it.

I've long forgotten the context behind that line. Methinks the
Avenging continuity is starting to get so big -- I daresay comparable
to the comic continuities nowadays -- that you may be doing this in
the next few chapters:

Mentallo: At least there were no lesbians involved in it (see Avenging
II: Chapter 5).

...Either that, or I'm just not paying enough attention. I'm a bit of
a goldfish in terms of memory when it comes to these things.

> Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> Four hours later Fixer and Mentallo found themselves standing in the

Revise: later Fixer --> later, Fixer

> Imperial Hydra’s audience chamber. The leader of Hydra was seated behind
> an expensive antique desk that everyone knew bristled with hidden high
> tech armament that could kill anyone using a host of inventive means
> with the flick of a switch. Not too many people argued with management
> under those conditions.

Was the throne, er, desk designed by Lord Ilpalazzo?

> normal person should be able to process. Most likely it was some sort of

Suggest: Most likely it --> Most likely, it

Use of comma:
5. After certain introductory elements,
(d) After an introductory adverb clause.

> organization. All he cared about was getting paid and being allowed to
> use the labs to build whatever he wanted. The man behind the curtain
> could stay right where he was, as far as Fixer was concerned.

Suggest: was, as --> was as

How insightful. It makes sense, his line of reasoning.

> “While doing inventory we discovered this. After hours of research we

Revise: inventory we --> inventory, we

Also: research we --> research, we

> “Like one of those annoying Russian dolls that has other dolls inside of
> them? I hate those things,” the Imperial Hydra warned.

Pet peeve, suggest: Hydra warned. --> Hydra cautioned. / shared. /
remarked. (because you already used 'warned' in the earlier paragraph
to describe Hydra's annoyance; it sounds quite redundant)

Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
endlessly over and over again.

> “A babushka doll,” Mentallo provided.

A babushka doll can be cool. Just watch the ending episode of Tengen
Toppa Guren-Lagann to see how babushka dolls can be done right.

> Fixer returned to the matter at hand. “Here are the images we managed to
> glean.” He showed a set of black and white sheets, similar to x-rays.
> “From this we can determine it’s another, smaller crown.”

Suggest: this we --> this, we

> The Imperial Hydra perked up noticeable. “Now that sounds interesting.”

Suggest: noticeable --> noticeably

> Mentallo said, “At this point I feel compelled to point out that the

Suggest: point I --> point, I

> exterior is intended as shielding as well as camouflage, and that it
> might have been put around the ‘insanely evil artifact’ for a very good
> reason.”

Suggest: 'insanely evil artifact' for --> insanely evil artifact' section for

> sledgehammer. Perhaps we should dump it somewhere safe, like an active
> volcano or the bottom of the ocean?”

Mentallo: But where will we find hobbits or a motley crew of pirates
to do just that?

> typical skinny scientist type convinced of his infallibility, he used it
> on himself. Well, it worked all right, by turning him into a gorilla. We
> code named him ‘Monster Ape’. No, I’ll allow the privilege of wearing

Suggest: code named --> codenamed

> the crown to one of my subordinates. Not you two,” the Imperial Hydra

I don't know. That crown could very well turn one of your subordinates
into Starscream in terms of, erm, traitorability, so many you should
think of another plan.

> Ten minutes later a pair of agents entered the room. One was a woman in

Revise: later a pair --> later, a pair

> a skintight suit of Hydra green,

Not to be confused with pale green or dark green.

> showing off an athletic body. She even
> wore green lipstick along with her merciless gaze.

Reina from Groove Adventure Rave?

> Both agents held up their hands and shouted out the Hydra slogan.

Madame and Master Hydra: HAIL, ILPALAZZO!

> Once the formalities were complete, the Imperial Hydra spoke. “Now
> listen up. I’m looking for an agent to lead a special mission, one that
> needs someone really evil to run it. You two come highly recommended, so
> I’m going to ask you a few questions and your answers will determine who
> gets the assignment.” The Imperial Hydra pulled out a questionnaire and
> began reading from it.

Heh. I like him. He's silly.

> “What’s the largest amount of money you made
> using an evil scheme? Madame Hydra?”
>
> “I used a convent as a front for a drug smuggling and prostitution ring
> that made millions,” Madame Hydra answered primly.

This skit reminds me of Austin Powers for some reason. Can't quite put
my finger on just why.

> The Imperial Hydra turned to the other applicant. “Master Hydra.”
>
> “Please, call me Orochimaru,” he asked.

I wonder if Orochimaru could ever become Cobra Commander or Serpentor
in a Naruto/GI Joe fusion reminiscent of this story...

On that note, it's interesting to know that Hydra was actually the
forefather of Cobra thanks to Hasbro asking Marvel for a storyline for
its GI Joe toy line, and an author using the rejected script for a
comic involving Nick Fury's son and Hydra operatives and adapting it
for the toy line.

It's very fascinating indeed; almost as fascinating as X-men being
almost a complete rip-off of Doom Patrol.

> “I once sent out a chain letter that made me hundreds,” he offered.
>
> The Imperial Hydra grimaced. “Ah yes. I’ve always hated those things.
> You know they’re a scam, but you’re so afraid of receiving bad luck that
> you send money anyway. Very evil indeed.”

LOL.

...Though I am just surprised that there are no pedophilia jokes to be
had at the Orochimaru's expense thus far.

> The Imperial Hydra nodded. “I know what you mean. Every time I order
> drive thru from fast food franchises they always get my order wrong,

Suggest: franchises they --> franchises, they

> “I’ve killed over a hundred people in the human testing phase of the new
> poison I’ve created.”
>
> “Inventive. Orochimaru.”
>
> Orochimaru pulled out his sidearm and shot Madame Hydra in the head. “I
> once killed a coworker because we were in competition for the same job
> opening.”

XD That's the best one yet. This could be the funniest skit I've read
from you, DB; it's right up there with the Dojo Destroyer skits from
"Those Who Hunt Ninjas". ^_^

Aw, looks like I was wrong about Reina and the girl's nothing more
than a cliché and generic villain for Orochimaru to kill.

> With a snap of the fingers Fixer and Mentallo stepped into the room, the

Suggest: fingers Fixer --> fingers, Fixer

> Serpent Crown borne on a wheeled serving cart, next to a tea set. They
> stopped in front of Orochimaru.
>
> “You’re offering me tea?” Orochimaru asked.
>
> “No, although you’re welcome to some. It’s that crown I need you to
> wear. It’s the perfect adornment for a strike leader.”
>
> “That’s a relief. I’ve always been more of a coffee man myself.”

It's nice to see that the comedy of Avenging is back to form. ^_^

> Orochimaru donned the crown. As he did so he jerked suddenly, tilting

Suggest: so he --> so, he

> his head as if listening to a far off voice.

Suggest: far off voice --> far-off voice

Compound modifiers should be hyphenated. Then again, common usage
dictates otherwise (as noted by a certain Mart van de Wege), so just
consider this as a suggestion on my part.

http://www.yourdictionary.com/far-off

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-modifiers should be hyphenated, and non
compound modifiers should be separated.
> “They better to see you with, my dear, that’s all,” Orochimaru assured

Revise: They better --> The better (typo)

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker. Disc musk nut bee aloud two ha pen.
> Kodachi internally grimaced at how things had turned out. Really, and
> she had thought it was a wonderful plan. Finally she had worked up the

Revise: Finally she --> Finally, she

> courage to land Captain Japan for herself. The first step in getting him
> alone with the bogus emergency worked like a charm, as was manipulate…

Suggest: manipulate... --> manipulating...

> convincing him to go out with her sans uniform. She had assumed the rest
> of the plan entailing him falling in love with her after basking in her
> company would go as easily.

Suggest: entailing him falling --> entailing him to fall

> skin. A variation of an artificial pacemaker would be ideal. But that
> was for later. At the moment Captain Japan was what really mattered.

Revise: moment Captain --> moment, Captain

> Her limousine had picked him up from Avengers Mansion and brought him to
> her. However, when he arrived things had not gone quite as she had

Revise: arrived things --> arrived, things

> expected. While his tuxedo was perfectly fitted to his muscular frame
> (and showed off his great ass), he had shown up with freshly permed
> hair, a bushy mustache, and large aviator style sunglasses.

Suggest: aviator style sunglasses --> aviator-style sunglasses

His disguises as a man are just as ridiculous as his disguises as a
girl, apparently. And, sans pigtail, he now has Tatewaki Kuno's
hairstyle. No wonder Kodachi was so shocked.

> were supposed to ‘let it all hang out’ (well, perhaps not *everything*,
> at least until the third or fourth date). When she had asked him his
> name, he informed her to address him as ‘C.J.’. Really! Still, she had

Chris Jones is self-inserting himself into a DB Sommer fic? Huh. I
hope he doesn't infect anybody with "The Virus" or anything.

> That included attaching herself to his arm in front of the
> crème-de-la-crème of the rich and famous she had invited to this party.
> She had pulled out all the stops, hiring only the best facilities,
> caterers, and even snared the musical duo of Chiaki and Noda, two of the

Heh. Cool Nodame Cantabile reference.

> Already Kodachi and her escort drew many stares from the guests, which

Revise: Already Kodachi --> Already, Kodachi

> “That guy did have cat-like reflexes,” ‘C.J.’ agreed, recalling how he
> had nearly managed to touch-brush both Kodachi’s breasts and ass
> simultaneously. If Zemo went the super-villain route, ‘The Human
> Tentacle’ was probably the perfect name.

"Baron Zemo" strikes fear into the hearts of his enemies. "The Human
Tentacle" will probably just turn on avid watchers of Japanese cartoon
porn.

> “Oh, if only it were someone so desirable. It’s Ryoko and Shuutaro, the
> Mendou Twins,” Kodachi thought about it a moment. “Well, technically
> they aren’t twins, but they’re together so often they might as well be.”

Ah, Shutaro Mendo. That takes me back... well, not _that_ far back (I
was in grade school when this show and comic was being produced), but
I did catch snippets of the series in the nineties and watched the
whole show on cable once. Good times, Urusei Yatsura... Good times.

> She had put up with Ryoko’s crap in particular for far too much a
> portion of her life. The problem with the rich and privileged was that
> they generally only allowed their children to mingle with other children
> of the rich and privileged, as though lack of money was a contagious
> disease. And frankly most of Kodachi’s contemporaries were spoiled

Takes one to know one?

> paid what Ryoko deemed too much of his attention to Kodachi. Not that
> Kodachi liked the pompous twit: he reminded her far too much of her
> missing brother. At least he didn’t run around with a bokken and pretend
> he was a samurai.

Yeah... wait, what? Didn't Shutaro Mendo run around with _an actual
sword_ and was an _actual_ descendant of samurai? Ataru even learned
how to block the sword with his bare hands because Mendo keeps on
bringing that weapon around.

Mendo: Then Kodachi isn't really wrong with her assessment. Unlike her
brother, I'm the _real deal_.

Yeah, well I like Akira Kamiya better as a drunkard detective or a
master of Bruce-Lee-like martial arts than as a proto-Tatewaki Kuno,
thank you very much.

> “Oh, I could hardly pass up an opportunity to attend one of your
> parties, since they’re so infrequent. And that’s a nice dress you have.
> It covers you up nicely.”

Hehehehe. It takes talent to make backhanded compliments like that.

> Kodachi’s eyebrow twitched. She had a better body than Ryoko, she just
> couldn’t display her wares in that manner.

Yeah, that leotard your wear in Earth R.5 didn't exactly leave much to
the imagination.

> “I see you have a nice dress
> as well, especially for it being off the rack.”

I liked Ryoko's insult better. Much subtler.

> “Actually he’s my escort for the evening,” Kodachi ‘corrected’. “This is
> C.J., who is quite the man.” She felt her Captain jerk at the statement,

LOL. Inadvertent, but "Captain Jerk" is also a good moniker for Ranma.

> Ryoko mirrored Kodachi’s motion by putting her arm through Shuutaro’s
> snuggling against him even more closely. “I’d only date a man who could
> compare to my brother, and I haven’t found one yet.”

Ataru Moroboshi = Shutaro Mendo? Well, perhaps in craziness, you could
make an argument for that...

> Shuutaro finally entered the conversation. “And I feel the same way
> about finding a woman superior to my sister. Mendous don’t settle for
> second best.”

Incest is still the best?

> He turned to C.J. “So, I understand you’re one of
> Kodachi’s test subjects for the new line of steroids from her recent
> pharmaceutical acquisition?”

Hehehe. Then again, technically, isn't the super serum a steroid? It's
a performance-enhancing drug, that's for certain.

> “I do not use steroids,” The hero assured him, as well as reminding

Revise: steroids," The --> steroids," the

Floyd Mayweather Junior: If you're not taking steroids, then take the
test. If you have nothing to hide, then give some blood!

> Shuutaro gave him an appalled look. “And have people think I work for a
> living? Hardly, I’m going for the ‘indolent, decadent rich’ appearance.”
>
> “And you pull it off wonderfully, brother,” Ryoko said as she all but
> genuflected in his presence.

^_^;

> Before the verbal sparring could continue, a girl, European in
> appearance, took Shuutaro’s arm in an affectionate manner. Ryoko shot
> the girl a look a truly evil glare. Kodachi recognized her as Justine
> Hammer, another child of the rich, though from what Kodachi had heard
> her powerful father, Justin Hammer, was not exactly thrilled with her
> behavior. She wasn’t an official black cat of the family, but nor was

"Black cat" or "black sheep"? I think "black sheep" is more
appropriate, correct me if I'm wrong.

Justine Hammer: Actually, it's Crimson Cowl.

> she held as the heir apparent.
>
> “Mendou-kun, so wonderful to see you,” Justine said, as a larger man
> followed her over, though his attitude was deferential rather than that
> of an equal.

Suggest: said, as --> said as

> Under her breath Justine said, “That damned Zemo tried cornering me so

Suggest: breath Justine --> breath, Justine

> he could show me his ‘Death Ray.’ Really, just because our fathers do
> business together he thinks he can take liberties.”

Boy, Zemo sure is going to give even Ataru a run for his money.

> “Oh no. He does it because women get within arm’s reach,” Kodachi
> informed her.
>
> Justine finally seemed to notice the others, though she remained
> attached to Shuutaro’s arm. “Nice bodyguard,” she said to Kodachi in
> reference to the C.J..

I don't think you need to add the period after "C.J." to terminate
that sentence.

If a sentence ends with an abbreviation, no additional period is
needed. If the sentence requires a question mark or exclamation point,
one may be added after the period.

Incorrect: Please make the check out to Roland N. Payne, D.D.S..
(Second period at end not needed)

Correct: Please make the check out to Roland N. Payne, D.D.S.

http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000064.htm

> “Escort!” Kodachi hissed. Why was it everyone thought she couldn’t land
> a man as hunky as her Captain?

...Because you couldn't and he is technically acting as your bodyguard?

Kodachi: (ignores that remark, begins treating Ranma as the Kevin
Costner to her Whitney Houston) AAND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
WIIIIILLLLLLLLL ALWAAAAAAAAAAAAYS LOOOOOOOOOVE YOOOUUUUU...

Ranma: (shrugs) The Taiwanese kid on Youtube belted a better version
of the song than you.

Kodachi: >:(

> even more. Justine said to him, “Just because you were formally known as
> ‘Man Brute’ doesn’t mean you should continue to act like one. You can’t
> kill guests.” She gave a questioning, almost hopefully glance to Kodachi.

Revise: almost hopefully glance --> almost hopeful glance (typo, I
gather, since adverbs shouldn't be used to modify nouns)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
> “Greetings, Miss Kunou. Nice mustache,” Stark said to the hero in only
> slightly accented Japanese as he kissed Kodachi’s hand.

Heh. On a side note, Robert Downey Junior taking the role as Tony
Stark has done wonders to reviving Stark's charm to the newer
generation.

> Kodachi noticed her Captain pay far too much attention to the buxom
> redhead. Really, what was it about large-breasted bimbos that men found
> so appealing, like that Bucky trollop? Blow up dolls had the same
> appeal, and were nearly as dynamic conversationalists.

For some men, that's _exactly_ their appeal... take that as you will.
Oh, and Christina Hendricks. Just Christina Hendricks.

> Stark’s eyes lit up, but just as he was reaching for it Cabe cleared her
> throat meaningfully. “Club soda for myself. I’m driving.”

Suggest: it Cabe --> it, Cabe

> Hugh Jones, the head of Roxxon Energy Corporation, gave Kodachi a short
> bow. “Given our recent dealings, a transpacific flight is hardly an
> inconvenience.”
>
> The caught Stark’s interest. “I didn’t know you two had any dealing
> together.”
>
> “Perhaps we should have one ourselves,” a new voice ventured.

What is this, Forbes Fiction 500? Is Montgomery Burns the next to
arrive? Or Scrooge McDuck?

Oh, and according to my Google Fu, Hugh Jones's crown is now sitting
atop Orochimaru's head. Interesting.

> Her companion didn’t react to the comment. Kodachi thought the man might
> be dead. Perhaps that was the only way a man could stomach the haughty
> bitch.

<g>.

> “I can’t help noticing that an S-F 202 Grenade could triple my share of
> the market.”
>
> All eyes turned to the latest newcomer, a striking woman with long

Heh. This is getting ridiculous. If this were wrestling, this would be
the Royal Rumble. Or whatever WCW calls its Royal Rumble during its
heyday (because, you know, millionaires wrestling each other and
all...)

> “It’s Stane-Fujikawa,” Biko corrected. “Part of the concession on
> selling to my late father was that he take the Fujikawa family name as

Revise: he take --> he takes / he should take

Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

> “You mean he was a bastard,” Biko corrected without a shred of remorse.
> “And that carried over to his family life as well. Of course many say
> the same thing about me.”

Revise: Of course many --> Of course, many

> Justine said, “Has anyone noticed the disturbing number of grisly
> demises of company owners of late? It makes me glad I’m only the
> dilatants offspring of one.”

Suggest: dilatants offspring --> dilettante's offspring (unless I
misread what you're trying to say)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilatant (not to be confused with...)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilettante (a person who enjoys the arts
or someone who engages in a field as an amateur out of casual interest
rather than as a profession)

> On Kodachi’s part she could only stare at her escort in horror. Her

Revise: part she --> part, she

> anti-gravity platforms they had used in the ‘Takeover of Nerima’ plan.

Revise: anti-gravity --> antigravity (dictionary-verifiable word, no
need for the hyphen)

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-modifiers) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

> Following them was a large ape with a nametag clipped to his fur that
> had the printed words ‘Hello, My Name is’ followed by in red magic
> marker, ‘Monster Ape’.

XD

> The final person to join the group was obviously
> the leader, a pale faced man, his skin scaly, wearing a gaudy crown with
> snakes on it.

Ranma: Let me guess... your powers have something to do with redundancy, right?

Orochimaru: >:(

> He jumped up on a table, ripping off his sunglasses and mustache. “Foul
> villains, prepare to be beaten by the greatest Avenger of them all.
> Captain Morgan!”
>
> “Here, here,” Shuutaro agreed, downing the rest of his drink in one gulp.

Heh.

> He turned to Fixer. “We don’t stand a chance of winning! We have to
> leave right now!” And flew out of the room as thought he demons of Hell
> were on his tail.

Revise: as thought --> as though / as if (spellchecker typo)

> “Because it can make itself into a duplicate of anyone if it’s around
> them long enough.” Luckily being able to tell the Imperial Hydra who

Revise: Luckily being --> Luckily, being (missing comma)

> owned it now should keep them in his good graces, or at least what
> passed for them. Running inventory for the rest of one’s life was a hell
> of a lot safer than being annihilated with ones own power.

Revise: ones own power --> one's own power (possessives should be
indicated with an apostrophe-s)

> truly unfettered for the first time in ages. Oh yes, Orochimaru had a
> plan in addition to the kidnapping and ransom. Before he released each
> of these pompous billionaires each would have the crown adorn their

Suggest: billionaires each --> billionaires, each

> But first it was time to retake control of the situation by disposing of
> that would be hero. “Titania, take care of that drunken fool.”

Revise: would be hero --> would-be hero (compound modifiers should be
hyphenated)

> Instead he reacted with lightning speed, bringing a fist up dead on

Revise: Instead he --> Instead, he

> “Titania!” Letha cried out. With feline grace she bounded across two

Revise: With feline grace she --> With feline grace, she

> He stared at her. “And you’re that chick that was a pretty good fighter.
> Too bad thunderthighs ruined it.”

Suggest: thunderthighs --> thunder thighs

Huh. Chun-Li was involved in the date? Man, I need to start rereading
Avenging... :P

> “Well not this time!” The two began fighting.

Suggest: Well not --> Well, not

> Kodachi overheard the command and saw several men aim their weapons at
> the pair, who were too caught up in their fight to notice the guns aimed
> in their direction. She cursed her lack of foresight in not bringing her

Suggest: guns aimed in --> guns pointed toward (just to avoid the
repetition of "aim" in the same paragraph or sentence)

> evening. Now what was she to do? Heroically throw herself in the path of
> the oncoming beams? While it sounded noble, it sounded even more
> painful, and it wasn’t like she would stand a chance to do anything.

Not to mention the fact that shrapnel was near her heart, so, if any
of those blasts go to her in the wrong way, in could mean instant
death for her. Yeah, her little date has begun to really suck.

> A hail of gunfire took the decision out of Kodachi’s hands. She turned
> to see Cabe and the Ling girl had overturned two tables and pulled out a
> pair of guns from under their dresses while their charges were under
> cover, though Stark seemed to be protesting. They were shooting with
> dangerous accuracy, each shot striking a Hydra agent.

On the other hand, I have this theory that whenever you're a good guy
in fiction, regardless of how wildly you shot, you'll always hit the
bad guy? Seems to happen a lot in Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, at
least; at any rate, the Nostalgia Critic seems to agree.

> The gunfire attracted the attention of the Hydra personnel, and a hail
> of energy beams saturated the area. Apparently Justine didn’t care for

Revise: Apparently Justine --> Apparently, Justine

Also: Huh. Energy beams. Hydra truly is the forefather of Cobra.

> kicking him while he tried hammering her with his fists. Biko and Shaw
> sought cover elsewhere, Shaw placing himself in front of the girl. Stack

The energy beams _shouldn't_ be a problem for Shaw unless his White
King status has been revoked and transferred to an anime character.
With that said, I can't seem to use my Google Fu on Biko. I wonder who
she is... all I can come with in regards to the Stane-Fujikawa name
drop was Rumiko, Fuyumi, and Kenjiro Fujikawa. Oh, and a forum post
linking the Stark technologies that the non-mind-wiped scientists have
in their brain could lead to the creation of a Kamen Rider cyborg.

> was standing before Bain, who seemed nonplussed by all the gunfire

Pet peeve: I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Grammar Rule #75: 'Nonplussed' doesn't mean 'unfazed' and 'bemused'
doesn't mean 'amused'; they both mean 'confused'. Please do not be
'nonplussed' and 'bemused' about these two words' actual meaning.

> around her, as though assuming her date could withstand the withering
> fire. Kodachi swore she saw several of the shots arc away from them.

Rich _and_ has super powers. Eat that, Batman.

> It was then the Mendous stood up, Ryoko’s left hand in Shuutaro’s right.
> She announced “Your drink seems to have ended up all over my dress. I’m
> really quite put out. Let us put an end to things, brother dear.”

Revise: announced "Your -->  announced, "Your (missing comma)

> “Well put, sister.”

Will they activate the Wonder Twin powers and form the Platonic Twins
of Chojin Gakuen Gowcaizer fame?

> That turned the tide of battle as the remainder of the Hydra personnel,
> not anticipating super-powered resistance, began to run for it. Even

Yes, yes. Run. Run like your contemporaries, Cobra. Show them how it's done!

Orochimaru: (as Cobra Commander) HYYYYDRRAAAA! REEETREEEEEEEAAAAT!

> Monster Ape grabbed the semi-conscious Titania, followed by running into

Revise: semi-conscious --> semiconscious (dictionary-verifiable word,
no need for the hyphen)

> brother. Another leveled both Poundcakes and Justine’s bodyguard, while
> the remaining blasts forced everyone, except the still standing Bain and
> Stack, to run away.

Suggest: still standing --> still-standing (compound modifier for
Bain; you might as well add the hyphen)

> “I got you, Snake Head,” the costumeless Captain Japan shouted, using
> near inhuman agility to dodge a number of blasts aimed at him. Once next
> to the leader he began pounding away. Kodachi’s heart hammered at her

Revise: leader he --> leader, he

> chest as her future boyfriend saved the day, pummeling the fiend who had
> tried to ransom her. It made her want to swoon, were she not made of
> sterner stuff.

Nice. An Optimus Prime quote. If it's not, then that's a helluva coincidence.

> Just as it appeared the leader was incapacitated a random blast from the

Revise: incapacitated a --> incapacitated, a

> helm clipped the hero in the head. Stunned, the Hydra leader fled out
> the way he had come in.

Go, Hydra Commander! Do what you do best! RETREAT!

> By the time she had decided the Captain was on his feet, rubbing his
> head. “Are you all right?” she asked.

Revise: decided the --> decided, the

> The hero scowled. “Yeah. Darn it, that grappler chick got away again.
> One of these days we got to have a fight without any interference so I
> can prove I’m tougher once and for all.”

Revise: days we --> days, we

> Kodachi felt her heart nearly rip out of her chest it beat so hard. A
> love confession after only one date. Yes! It was her dream come true.

Suggest: chest it --> chest; it

> How could she make the second date top this one?

In fairness, Kodachi, out of all your iterations (even in canon),
you're the closest Kodachi to have actually gotten this far with
Ranma. Ganbare.

> Orochimaru staggered away from the sound of sirens. He had
> underestimated his mastery of the Serpent Crown and the mental energy
> required to harness its power. The force blasts had taken a lot out of

Huh. So Ranma is faster than the speed of thought in this continuity.
Good to know.

> Orochimaru turned a corner and encountered three people. Or more
> appropriately, two people and a yellow ball with a face on it that held
> a plastic bag with DVDs in it.

Heh. I inadvertently read ahead to put in the grammar rule summary, so
it's nice to know that from the outset of the introduction, you can
easily tell which one of them was Onsokumaru.

> The boy took one look at Orochimaru and said, “You!” It wasn’t the sort
> of you that was in the vein of, “You just won a million dollars,” nor
> was it, “You need to feed the meter.” It wasn’t even, “Mr. Yu, so nice
> to drop by.” It was, “You aren’t going to exist a moment longer.”

Heh. I'm glad we clarified that. Your fics may do a lot more "tell"
than "show", but I'll be damned if your manner of "telling" isn't as
funny as hell. ^_^

> Orochimaru hated that one.

^^

> Lacking any weapons, and unable to summon the energies of the Serpent
> Crown, Orochimaru went with wheedling his way out of things. He waved
> his hand before the boy’s face, “I am not the terrorist you are looking
> for.”
>
> The girl and yellow ball said in a droning tone, “You are not the
> terrorist we are looking for.”

XD Sounds about right.

> The boy’s response was, “Of course you are!”

Suggest: course you --> course, you

> Damn, two out of three wasn’t bad, though. “I am certain that whatever
> you resent me for is totally out of proportion with what I actually did.”
>
> “You blew up my family’s restaurant with them in it!”
>
> Of course! That was it. Orochimaru had just mentioned that incident.
> “Would it help if I assured you they had it coming?”

Hehehehe. Oh, look. Foreshadowing. Then again, I know so little of
Naruto that I actually believe that Orochimaru would've taken candy
from a baby Sasuke and he'd find a way to make into a lifelong
vendetta against him. But that may just be my ignorance talking. And
anime pop culture osmosis.

Naruto: Believe it!

> In response Sasuke inhaled deeply, and then exhaled a steady stream of

Suggest: response Sasuke --> response, Sasuke

> fire that would have put napalm to shame. Orochimaru died instantly and
> was incinerated within seconds, the faint smell of roasted snake and a
> pile of ashes the only indication he had been there.

If only Naruto could end the same way...

You know, Avenging is kind of dangerous to many an anime character's
health. First you kill off Haruhi, and now Orochimaru? Comic book
characters aren't safe either; I don't think Wolverine even got any
screen time before his demise.

> “Are you kidding? For the first time in years I feel great. It’s as

Suggest: years I --> years, I

> though a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders, and I’m filled
> with a satisfaction that boarders on ecstasy.”
>
> “But you’re not smiling,” Shinobu pointed out.
>
> “Sasuke Uchiha smiles on the inside.”

Hehehehehehehehehehehe. I'm not sure you're portraying Sasuke
down-pat, but at the very least he's very funny. A nice parody of him,
even.

> “You’re just staying angsty so the girls continue to flock to you,
> aren’t you?” Onsokumaru accused.
>
> Sasuke remained silent.

Sasuke: I don't like the kind of fangirls that fawn over idiots like
Naruto. I want blind devotion, not careful acceptance despite initial
annoyance.

> Onsokumaru sighed. “In any case, I’ve led you to the man you wanted to
> kill, as I promised. Now you have to keep working for me.”
>
> Sasuke turned on him. “We were out on your weekly porn run and we just
> happened to run into him.”

Hey, but he still got the job done. Somewhat.

> “How does knowing a ninja girl’s breast size help recruit them?”
>
> “It tells us what size uniforms we need to order.”

He got you there.

> “Let me see it.” Hands extended from the sides of Onsokumaru and
> stretched out to pick up the crown. He placed it on his head. Instantly
> his red orbs turned into vertical slits and his yellow surface took on a
> scaly composition. To no one in particular, he said, “Yesss, I sssseeee,
> SSSSSSet.” He paused, as though listening to a voice only he could hear.
> “No, I don’t have to hissss my essssesssss. I thought it would be a nice

ROFL. Ah, humor and adventure in one package; DB Sommer has it down-pat.

> touch.” He paused again, “Ultimate power? Well, let me sssssee.” He
> pulled a mirror from out of nowhere and gazed at his reflection. “Sorry,
> while it’s tempting, there’s no way I can pick up babes wearing
> something as hideous as this.” He lifted the crown off his head and
> tossed down a nearby sewer.
>
> He turned to his companions. “Now let’s go watch those recruiting
> films.” And continued heading to his headquarters with his two ninja
> associates in tow.

Huh. In retrospect, I could've sworn that the Sasuke that was with
Onsokumaru and Shinobu was the comedic one... and I'm too lazy to
recheck. Oh well... Sasuke must have gotten mixed up with all the
other Sasukes. It happens.

> Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> [End chapter]
>
> Yay! We’re back. Yes, this one was a bit loaded with new characters, but

I'd say. Oh, and welcome back.

> Heck, I even wrapped up Sasuke’s little subplot from way back in Act II.

I barely even remember he had a subplot. Or that he's there. (thinks)
Yeah, it was a minor subplot that doesn't jump out in my memory much.

> Next chapter will have a little plot development that will make things a
> little more difficult for Ranma.

Alrighty then.

Summary of Broken Grammar Rules:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
endlessly over and over again.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-modifiers) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-modifiers should be hyphenated, and non
compound modifiers should be separated.

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker. Disc musk nut bee aloud two ha pen.

Grammar Rule #75: 'Nonplussed' doesn't mean 'unfazed' and 'bemused'
doesn't mean 'amused'; they both mean 'confused'. Please do not be
'nonplussed' and 'bemused' about these two words' actual meaning.

As for the story itself: As per usual with your stories, I have to go
"Hmmm." Hmmm indeed. The first few parts of this chapter were kind of
bland, but that's to be expected, seeing that you're still setting
things up and all. It can't be helped. Oh, and I'm particularly
impressed with how short this was when compared to older Avenging
chapters.

Say what you will about the shortness of the chapters, but I
particularly appreciate how you've begun to master the ability to pace
your stories properly when compared to how struck with hypergraphia
you were in your days writing Shampoo 1/2 or my personal favorite
story of yours, Path of the Warrior. It's great to read a well-written
story that has enough prudence to shear off any tendency for filler,
so pacing never suffers. Kudos all around in that regard, DB.

As for the second quarter of the fic, that's when the real fun (and
humor) started. Orochimaru was hilarious in this story, and the amount
of savvy that the Imperial Hydra has is also of great note. And the
party itself is best enjoyed my Marvel nerds, anime nerds, or both at
the same time. Or n00bs with a bit of Google Fu, but I gather not as
much (whistles). Even as cameos, it was an interesting party
all-in-all, and I even got to nostalgia a bit with Urusei Yatsura
characters and laugh at the Naruto and 2x2 Shinobuden ones. Yeah, like
Ranma said, the party was a lot more fun than initially expected. I
thought it was going to be a transitional chapter before the main
action happens. It kind of is, but it's also pleasantly surprising.
I've certainly gotten a lot of laughs out of it, which is what's
important. It's entertaining. That's all I can really say. Thanks for
sharing!

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."