[FFML] [R1/2][R/A][Shortfic] Shiver

[elbju at yahoo.se]

--- Den tors 2009-05-14 skrev Gary Kleppe <gary at garykleppe.org>:

> Från: Gary Kleppe <gary at garykleppe.org>
> Ämne: Re: [FFML] [R1/2][R/A][Shortfic] Shiver
> Till: "The Fanfiction Mailing List" <ffml at chez-vrolet.net>
> Datum: torsdag 14 maj 2009 03.19
> On Wed, 13 May 2009 13:39:09 +0000
> (GMT), elbju at yahoo.se
> wrote:
> 

> Apart from it not being line-wrapped, the formatting looks
> fine.

Ah, sorry about that. Yahoo seems to have changed its formatting options recently, and I was unable to find how to change the line wrapping before posting. 

> What I liked about it was the characterization. Clearly you
> have a
> really good understanding of how Ranma thinks and feels and
> you can
> convey it well.

Means a lot to me to hear you think that, actually. I'm glad.
> 
> What I thought could be improved is the storytelling.
> Though you do
> have some really good descriptions of Ranma's feelings, I
> still felt a
> bit distant from it, like I'm being told what's happening
> instead of
> actually experiencing it.
> 
> My suggestion would be instead of telling it as something
> that happens
> sometimes, pick one particular instance when it does
> happen. Follow
> that instance from start to finish, describing it the way
> that Ranma
> would perceive and experience it.

That's a neat suggestion. Admittedly I wanted this to feel rather introspective on Ranma's part, and to make it clear it happens now and then, but at the same time it would be nice to have a bit more immediacy to it. I agree that there's a certain distance to the piece as it is. Hmm... possible I could combine the two... will ponder. Thanks for the help!

Cheers,

Elin B


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