[FFML] [R1/2][R/A][Shortfic] Shiver

[Gary Kleppe]

On Wed, 13 May 2009 13:39:09 +0000 (GMT), elbju at yahoo.se wrote:

>
>AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ranma ficlet of 588 words on the prompt "fear". Constructive criticism and other feedback highly encouraged. 
>This was originally written in Word - my apologies if I've missed replacing any "smart quotes" and the like./Elin B

Apart from it not being line-wrapped, the formatting looks fine.

What I liked about it was the characterization. Clearly you have a
really good understanding of how Ranma thinks and feels and you can
convey it well.

What I thought could be improved is the storytelling. Though you do
have some really good descriptions of Ranma's feelings, I still felt a
bit distant from it, like I'm being told what's happening instead of
actually experiencing it.

My suggestion would be instead of telling it as something that happens
sometimes, pick one particular instance when it does happen. Follow
that instance from start to finish, describing it the way that Ranma
would perceive and experience it.

In any case, it's a nice short; thanks for writing and posting.