[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] Road Trip (warning: BIG)

[John Biles]

On Mon, Mar 23, 2009 at 4:28 PM, Bert Miller <hkmiller at theeddy.com> wrote:

> John Biles wrote:
>
>> This is very big, but also, I hope, good.
>>
>>
> Right.  Better get started if I'm going to C&C this monster!
>
> This is quite enjoyable, though perhaps somewhat chatty and meandering.
>  (It's not something I would ever write myself, certainly.)  I would hazard
> a guess it could be edited down by at least one quarter without sacrificing
> any significant plot points; whether it would be good or bad to do so
> depends on one's tastes.  Many readers like length as long as they're not
> bored (and I don't find any of this boring).  The test is whether one finds
> oneself skipping scenes after the fourth re-read.


I like length myself, though the next story is going to be a goodly amount
shorter than this one.


>
>
> And I can't be sure which of the children's characterization scenes will
> end up important and which won't.  I suppose it's possible (even if it seems
> unlikely on the face of it) that they all will.


A lot of stuff is setting things up for later; I think a lot of it will be
important as we move along.


>
>
> I do have the impression that you've put less thought into some of the
> later scenes than some of the earlier ones.  The pirate
> scene just left me confused; the mundane Mitsu/Shun fight seemed
> anti-climactic and over-long for the apparent points.


The Pirate scene...it's important for some later stuff,but at the same time,
I spent a lot of time fiddling with it and still wasn't entirely satisfied,
so I will have to think about it.


>
>  fact, I had more people cheering for me as I warmed up than any of the
>> other
>> players;
>>
> This might vary regionally (or, for that matter, generationally) but when I
> ran track in high school,
> we never used 'players' to refer to members of the track and field team.
>  We might use 'runners',
> and I don't recall that we actually had any good general words to refer to
> shot-putters and the like,
> but we never used 'players'.


Okay, I can fix that.

>
>     "I have mixed feelings about her myself," Mom said softly.
>>    Mom's never as comfortable around Aunt Miyu as most of the rest of the
>> family, and I've never been sure why.  She isn't hostile, but I get the
>> impression there's some past trouble between them.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Well, that's inevitable.


Yes.  It's hard to resolve those kinds of issues

>
>
>     "Mom, is this connected to whatever happened with Aunt Mai?" I asked
>> her, not sure if I'd get an answer.
>>
>>    "Yes," Mom said.
>>
>>    Natasha stared and so did I.  I expected something evasive.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Akane means the second incident, of course, which Kasumi and Natasha
> don't know about.  But accurate enough if you consider them together.


Yes.

>
>
> Still, the older generation certainly has reason to be alarmed and make
> SOME changes,
> given the demonstration that other-dimensional entities can seek them out
> and attack,
> and the announcement that the Crimson Huntsman is after them.
>

Yes, you'll start seeing more of that in the next one, though you get some
of that here too.

>
>
>   and I went to go
>> do homework before the secret meeting.
>>
>>
> Which begs the question, why have a SECRET meeting?  You later show us
> subsets of the
> kids spending much of their day together; nobody would think anything of it
> if the five just
> met out in the open.  Okay, Natasha might insist on ostentatious secrecy,
> but Shun seems
> like he'd know better, and Crystal seems like she has more common sense.


It's secret in the sense of 'don't let the parents find out'.  Which most of
the time is basically silly, yes.  It's more or less a response to the
parents being secretive at them.



>
>
>     "Oh yes, don't forget to invite Erica to your secret meeting tonight,"
>> Chie said.  "I have to go home and do laundry, or I'd come too.  Ugh."
>>
>>
> Heh.  Love it.


I was very fond of that.


>
>
>  clue what she was getting into.  And whether she was going to spy on us
>> for
>> her mom.  This would definitely complicate things.
>>
>>
> One quick reflection ought to eliminate this suspicion:  Chie already knew
> about the secret meeting
> BEFORE you brought Erica in.  So why would she need Erica to do any spying?


Well,  there is a difference between 'knowing the kids have a meeting' and
'hearing what's in that meeting'.  I know the US president meets with
security advisors every week but that doesn't tell me what they're doing.


>
>
>     "It's the sign of the Fuuka legend of the Battle Princesses," Dan said.
>>
>>    We all turned to stare at him.  He already knew about this thing???
>>
>>    "Mom has a big box full of things with that sign on it, part of some
>> research project she's been doing ever since I was little, but never
>> finishes.  And tries to hide," Dan said, looking slightly distracted as if
>> dredging up memories.
>>
>>
> Heh.  This surprised me, although in retrospect it's not so surprising that
> Midori kept all this
> stuff, nor that she tried to hide it from Dan.  Which, of course, is what
> made it stand out for
> him from all the other junk.


Yeah, exactly.


>
>
> Although possibly Midori has a lot more stuff she hides from Dan, now that
> I'm thinking
> about it.  In this story, Dan's view of history seems more-or-less
> conventional, but in
> "Sword of the Lord" we're given to understand that Midori and the Professor
> know great
> gobs of details about not-so-conventional history ("close to discovering
> the location of
> Atlantis", among other snippets).  Assuming Midori and the Professor have
> records
> of some sort, they either hide them from Dan, or Dan knows enough to be
> careful
> about how he discusses history outside the family.
>

Some of both.  Dan knows, for example, about  the City State of Tarak (seen
later).  But he doesn't know the full range of stuff his parents know and
has discretion about the secrets he does know.

>
>
>     "Long ago, the Battle Princesses were chosen to fight for those they
>> loved.  But one by one they perished, until only the Crystal Princess
>> remained to confront..."  Dan paused, staring at me,
>>
> Heh.  Gee, you mean Crystal might have been named after someone?


Funny that.  And a shock to the kids :)

>
>
>     "I don't know.  People tie ribbons to this set of railings at Fuuka to
>> commemorate them and in the belief that whoever ties a ribbon there will
>> be
>> with their loves forever," Dan said.
>>
>>    "Forever," I said softly.  "Without aging?"
>>
>>    We all stared at each other silently, while Erica stared at us.
>>
> The lack of aging in their parents is a pointer to the kids that something
> supranormal
> is behind the secret; that is, their parents aren't spies or mafia or
> anything like that.  But
> the kids seem to go back and forth on noticing this fact; we've seen
> Crystal think about it,
> and later ask Mai is she's a spy, and then wonder privately about being
> sacrificed to
> demons.  Not visibly aging in 20+ years is just on the edge, perhaps, of
> what could
> possibly be explained naturally; certainly you don't show us the various
> other adults
> remarking on the lack of aging to any great extent.


Yeah, I need to have that remarked on more, though they actually do look to
be in their 20s, and not the ages they were at hime-ization.  It's Professor
Sasaki where it's really blatantly obvious something strange is happening.



>
>     "Ahah!  So we all paint fake tattoos of it on ourselves and then go
>> tell
>> them this tattoo just appeared on all of us?" I asked Kasumi.
>>
>>    She nodded.
>>
>>
> Heh.  That could have been a funny scene:  the parent staring in alarm at
> black, hand-sized "tattoos",
> then finding that they wash off.


HEH.

>
>
>     "Do you know what color if any they expect?  Or the right size?" Erica
>> said quietly.
>>
>>
> VERY perceptive and quick of her.  She doesn't ask about where on the body,
> either,
> though the description of the searching she's been given hasn't yet
> emphasized that the
> adults aren't looking at any one specific spot.


Yeah, she's not got the info to be sure of that.


>
>  Kasumi's Tale:
>>
>>    It soon became clear Mom was serious about this, coming over every day
>>
>>
> So the parents live quite close to Rosewood.  Given some of the parents'
> jobs, one
> would think everyone would nearly have to live in the Tokyo area.
>

Basically, yeah.  They wanted the kids close enough to run to the kids
rescue if possible, but also to put them all in one basket for extra ease of
that, though this is harder for some of them than others.


>
>
>  wants to know, wants to understand why Aunt Miyu...why she said that.  And
>> part of me is afraid of the answer.
>>
>>    Who did Mom trust too much?
>>
> Your Aunt Miyu.


Yep.

>
>
>   Who did Aunt Shiho not trust enough?
>>
> Your Aunt Mai.
>
> One can see why the adults aren't so willing to tell the whole story.
>

Exactly.  It's very clear.


>
>
>     The door opened and a man with brown hair turning grey walked in; he
>> had...an afro?  An afro.  "Hello, everyone," he said.  "I'm Mr. Sakomizu
>> Kaiji, your substitute history teacher.
>>
> This was a surprise.  There are a lot of directions this could go in.
>

This came to me in a blinding flash of insight.  I'm pretty happy with
having him on tap.


>
>
>      Sakomizu-sensei studied Dan, then looked at the seating chart.  His
>> eyes widened slightly.  "Are you Sugiura Dan?  Sugiura Midori's son?"
>>
>>
> Interesting way to phrase that.  Is he deducing that "Sugiura Dan" must be
> the son of the
> Midori he knew (a bit of a stretch, perhaps), or was he already aware that
> Midori's son
> would be a student of his, and simply hadn't put that together with his
> seating chart?
>

That would be telling. :)


>
>
>     I felt my phone vibrate.  It was a text from Erica.  'Maybe he knows
>> something about the mysteries.'
>>
>>
> Maybe he knows a considerable amount.  He might, in fact, know more than
> any of
> the Hime except Fumi.  And only Natsuki has any reason to know how much he
> may know.
>

Yep.  He knows a lot of what's going down.


>
>
>
>  it and everything.  I just wish she'd gotten a picture of that bridge
>> blowing up.  It sounds really spectacular when she talks about it."
>>
>>    "..."
>>
>>    Mandi kicked another rock as we walked along.  "Your mom never
>> mentioned
>> it?"
>>
>>
> "Oh, the bridge?  Well, honey, I was catatonic at the time, so I didn't
> actually see it.  And your
> father was imprisoned in a pillar of stone, so he didn't see it either."


Picky, picky!



>
>  badly, you'll find more loves in the future.  It took a long time before
>> Chie and I got together once and for all."
>>
>>
> For some values of "a long time", if they've been married for 18 years out
> of 23 elapsed.
>

Well, in relationship terms, most people don't wait years after first
meeting before becoming a permanent couple.


>
>
>     "Alyssa was younger than any of us except... no, I think she's even
>> younger than Mikoto-chan,"
>>
> I'm not sure where this came from.  At the end of episode 3, Mai tells Aoi
> that Mikoto
> is 14 (I'm sure Mai says "juu-yon", not "juu-san", despite the Wikipedia
> entry which
> says 13) and a third-year middle school student, which makes her older than
> Akira, Takumi,
> and Shiho.  If you're deliberately making a change to canon, suggest you
> underline it more.
>

 Doh, actually, I was going by Wikipedia where it says she is 13.  Will fix.


>
>     Aoi laughed softly, then sighed.  "I actually met her boyfriend a few
>>
>>
> Suggest adding the word "current" before "boyfriend" here.


Good idea.


>
>
>     "A bridge blew up and a plague broke out and they NEVER MENTIONED IT to
>> us?" Crystal asked.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Well, I have to call their parents innocent on the plague, since they
> all knew
> that the story was false.


Yep.


>
>
>  Crystal's mother blew up the factory," Erica said.
>>
> Interesting how they ALL come to think of Mai as having been the one who
> blew up the factory.  Erica wouldn't seem to have any reason to be teasing
> Crystal.  On the other hand, maybe she's just adopting her new cousin's
> expressed beliefs.


She's going with the flow here.

>
>
>     "Would you like me to tell Aunt Natsuki you're here at Rosewood now?" I
>> asked him.  Everyone studied me and it struck me I hadn't thought to talk
>> about that part of it all.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Potentially dangerous lapse, if it repeats.


Yes.

>
>
>     Crystal asked, "Did you know my mother at Fuuka?"
>>
>>    "I only knew Dan's mother and Natsuki-san very well," he said.  "But I
>>
>>
> "...did rescue your mother and Mikoto from police arrest once."


Hehe.


>
>
>  Mandi had one of them and... I think her name is Sanae... Koyabishi Sanae,
>> maybe?  She's tall, skinny, red-haired, and I think her father is one of
>> the
>> biology teachers.
>>    Wait, his mother was from Fuuka too???  I glanced over the other
>> students, wondering if Miya-san had a son or daughter here too.
>>
> Interesting that Kasumi does NOT put two and two and two together here to
> get six.
> She was told earlier today about Koyabishi Miya, married to one of the
> biology teachers,
> by Mandi.  One gets the impression Erica, at least, would have picked this
> up.
>

Good point.


>
>
>
>     "So Octavian took his revenge.  Marc Anthony had betrayed his duties as
>> a leader of Rome because of his crush on that woman, and betrayed the wife
>> he'd sworn oaths to.  He knew Cleopatra was just using Marc Anthony for
>> her
>> own gain," Hayao said angrily.  "And so they, who had once been companions
>> in battle, turned on each other and led armies to war.  But Marc Anthony
>> was
>> a loser, lost in a haze of lust for the evil Queen of Egypt, and when she
>> panicked at Actium and her fleet fled the scene, his fleet was
>> annihilated.
>> In the end, he killed himself thinking her dead, and she killed herself
>> not
>> for love of him but to avoid being humiliated by the victorious Octavian,"
>> Hayao finished.  He sounded as angry as if he was Octavian himself.
>>
>>
> This still seems odd to me, that Hayao feels so strongly about this.
>  However, for story purposes
> the cause need not be any incident we've heard of; it's enough to establish
> that he does feel this
> way if we're going to see an analogous situation in the future.  Some of
> Hayao's gender, a friend,
> betraying his duty for love.
>

This is a set up for later down the road, yeah.

Though I'll note the Cleopatra thing is also important here.



>
>
>  and when it does, the results are not always good.  And love can turn us
>> against each other."
>>
>>    Mr. Sakomizu sighed.  "Well said.
>>
> "Ah, the stories I could tell you... but your Aunt Natsuki would probably
> kill me if I did."


Quite.


>
>
>     "I think she's about 4 years younger than your parents.  But that would
>> make her... maybe 35 to their 39 now.  Which is a lot less extreme than 12
>> to 16," Sakomizu-sensei said.
>>
>>
> See discussion above.
>
I added this after that:

    "Aunt Mikoto is only two years younger than my parents," I told him.

    He blinked, then looked embarrassed.  "She looked very young when I met
her.  I must be getting old," he said, then sighed.



>
>  about it.  "Anything exciting ever happen at Fuuka when my folks were
>> there?" I asked, tossing the bush onto the pile of dead bushes in our
>> wheelbarrow.
>>
>>    "Your father won a lot of kendo matches his second and third years,"
>> Sakomizu-sensei said.  "Your Aunt Mikoto too."
>>
> Heh.  Given what Crystal later hears from Ishida, Sakomizu-sensei has just
> disqualified
> himself as a neutral source of information.
>

Oog, good point, I didn't think of that myself, stupidly.  ^^;;


>
>
>     "Roger Smith," Sakomizu-sensei said very slowly in the sort of way I
>> have come to realize usually means someone has just made a mental
>> connection.  Now I was very curious.  "What's he like?"
>>
>>
> The name means something to Sakomizu, but they've never met.  Interesting.
>  Presumably we'll
> learn a bit more about Roger's background in the next story, but this gets
> me curious.  If they've
> never met, probably Roger has no connection with District One; in fact, the
> last name and
> Dorothy rather suggest a connection with Searrs.  Did Roger, by any chance,
> have an uncle or
> father named John?
>

The full monty on Roger's background will come out in the next story,
Roger's Rules of Order.



>
>
>     "His secretary is kind of creepy, though, I've heard," I told him.
>>
>>
> Hey!  I like Dorothy!  These characters need to stop giving her such a bad
> rap!  ;)


I like Dorothy a lot.  But one of the marks of bad writing is when everyone
loves your favorite characters to death, so... Not everyone loves Dorothy.


>
>
>  thought hit me.  "So you knew Aunt Haruka and Aunt Shizuru too?" I asked
>> him.
>>
>>
> Interesting that it never occurs to Crystal how much information she is
> giving Sakomizu here.
> Of course, she may have never before met somebody to whom the news that the
> Hime are
> still so close would mean anything.


Yep.  Also, Crystal knows he has ties to Natsuki and knows at least some of
the family, so she doesn't suspect him of any kind of malevolence.

>
>
>     Was Aunt Akira really a ninja?  Or had that been a joke?
>>
>>
> Given that Shun knows this answer for sure, I'm not sure how plausible it
> is that Crystal doesn't.


Shun is the son, though.  Also, Shun's the sort of person who if he says
'Yeah, Mom is a ninja', you can't quite be sure if he's serious or joking.


>
>  Was he hiding something or was he
>> deliberately hiding it?
>>
>>
> Did you mean for Crystal to be mentally stuttering?


Urgh...I literally have no clue what I was thinking there.  Fixed it to:

"So nothing very exciting happened beyond the usual school stuff," I said as
we started on another. Was he hiding something or was actually unaware?
Surely he couldn't be unaware of all that.  But why was he hiding it?


>
>
>     And then she was gone as quickly as she'd appeared.  I decided I'd have
>> plenty of time later to try to pry information out of Sakomizu-sensei.  If
>> I
>> kept this up, he'd likely wonder why I was so curious about old times at
>> Fuuka anyway.
>>
>>
> If he didn't already know, that is.  And, once he figures out that your
> parents are keeping it all a
> secret deliberately, he'll be far more afraid of your parents than he is of
> you.


Yes, most definitely.


>
>
>     "I know.  But you need this.  Everyone else is too weak to press you
>> hard or too kind.  But I will toughen you up or die trying!" Aunt Haruka
>> said.  Then she looked expectantly at Aunt Yukino.
>>
>>    Aunt Yukino paused in pulling metal ropes.  "What, Haruka-chan?"
>>
>>    Aunt Haruka looked relieved, while I looked confused.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Took me a couple of read-throughs to get this.  Haruka is expecting
> to have gotten

something wrong and to be corrected.  "I will toughen you up or killl you
> trying!"
>

Yeah, exactly.  A reversal of the usual joke :)

But it seems to confuse a lot of readers.

>
>
>     Plus, he seems likely to grow up to basically be a corporate drone
>> working for his dad.  Not because he wants to, but because he isn't
>> willing
>> to actually fight to have his own life.  I don't know what I want to do
>> with
>> my life, but I'll chose it for myself.
>>
>>
> Much better than that teaser you sent me!  This sounds like Crystal to me.
>

Yeah, your advice helped me fix it, thank you.

>
>
>     "I don't know whether to laugh or to get pissed," Natasha said.
>>
>>    "About what?" Dan asked.
>>
>>    "Aunt Natsuki's new boyfriend sent me a giant robot model kit with the
>> note 'Next time they accuse you of having a giant robot, they'll be
>> right.'"
>>
>>
> Heh.  Though very funny, it doesn't strike me as very Roger-like.  And how
> did he find out that
> the parents thought Natasha might be the source, anyway?  It doesn't seem
> like the sort
> of mistake Natsuki would tell anyone about.  Last we saw, Natsuki and Mai
> were evading
> mentioning to Roger anything about having been at the Tallin site
> themselves.  So why
> would anyone tell Roger about the Natasha mistake?
>

Yeah, that doesn't work, unfortunately.

I'm changing it to Shun.  It would appeal to his sense of humor.


>
> Unless the forthcoming Roger story has happened simultaneously with this
> story so far,
> and this reflects a development you haven't told us about yet...


No, this reflects me having amnesia!  Yeah, that's it, amnesia...


>     There are two kinds of anticipation.  The good kind I call
>> 'beforeglow',
>> where you know something cool is coming and you get happily excited.  The
>> bad kind is 'reachback' where disaster reaches back in time and starts
>> punching you before it even happens.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Nice bit of characterization for Kasumi, naming these concepts.
>

Thanks!  Everyone has their own slang, so it can be cool to create it.


>
>  I had my tonfas in my carry bag, each
>> carefully wrapped in dishtowels held on with rubberbands so they wouldn't
>> clack on each other all day long making me crazy.
>>
> Heh.  Another nice bit.  But why didn't Akane do the same thing?


Akane is thinking in terms of 'ready to use', Kasumi in terms of 'THIS NOISE
REALLY ANNOYS ME AND I HAVE  NO ANTICIPATION YET OF REAL TROUBLE'


>
>
>     "Since you four are training with tonfas, cross your arms in front of
>> your chests, then say, 'Weapon A'," Aunt Yukino said.
>>
>>
> 'A' for Akane


Yep!


>
>
>     Okay, it does feel real, but we all know this sort of thing can't
>> happen
>> for real, so why are they jumpy?
>>
>>
> Maybe one of your premises is wrong?
>

Heh.


>
>     Natasha, on the other hand, clearly had no mixed emotions.  "THAT WAS
>> AWESOME!" she shouted.
>>
>>
> Heh.
>

Natasha is a simple woman at heart.


>
>     Sorry?  For hugging her?  What exactly is up with them?
>>
>>
> Yes, when are you planning to tell us?  We readers aren't exactly
> surprised, granted; we've
> seen Haruka's stance in the late episodes.  But this is 23 years later.
>  Surely Haruka and
> Yukino have talked about mutual expectations at some point?  Based on
> "Unexpected
> Visitor", Yukino seems to understand Haruka, but she's apparently the only
> one who does.
>

We're going to see the full Haruka and Yukino  stuff in a story focused on
them which will be called 'Mirror Games'.  Which is ahead of us in the
schedule.  It  will also get into  why Haruka's various attempts to GET THE
POWA haven't succeeded yet.



>     "I know he's really busy," I told Mother.  He's middle management and
>> they get worked like dogs.
>>
> Is this in addition to owning the bakery?  "Middle" management can't be in
> the bakery they own.


This is me screwing up.

Fixed to:

"I know he's really busy," I told Mother.  And of course, with Mother not
there, someone has to run the bakery or else they have to close it and give
up income.  And I know that Rosewood costs a lot and they keep my brothers
fed and make house payments and everything.    "Wait... who is taking care
of my brothers with you up here all the time?"


>
>
>   But the pay's good enough for us all to live
>> very well, especially with Mother's extra income.
>>
> This implies Akane runs the bakery by herself.


This is part of me messing things up.


>
>
>     Mother seemed to stare off into space for a moment.  "Actually, I think
>> they're probably better behaved than she likely was at their age."
>>
>>
> You have several people say this, but I have trouble with this being a
> widespread opinion.
> I can't see 10-year-old Mikoto pouring applesauce or sugar on dogs or cats.
>  She might
> have been more embarrassing to take out in public than the K twins (she can
> be even now),
> but I can't think of any time we see her display gratuitous cruelty, or
> even just physically
> hurt someone through sheer negligence.


Akane's thinking in terms of some of the really odd things Mikoto did when
she first met Mikoto and extrapolating back with the lower self-control /
sense of younger kids.

But I will think on this.


>
>  flutter.  I shouldn't have these feelings!  He's a bad boy and why do I
>> like
>> him so much?
>>
>>
> Maybe BECAUSE he's a bad boy?
>

Yeah, exactly.



>
>     "Well, he's definitely looking to sleep with you," she said
>> disapprovingly.  "Did he actually sleep with Tate-san?"
>>
>>
> No, but not due to any actions on Crystal's part; he probably would have if
> Nao had
> let them get together at that party.
>

Yeah, he most likely would have.


>
>     "I promised your mother to keep my silence for now.  I can't tell you
>> anything, yet."
>>
> Chie and Aoi have hardly had time to get a complete rundown of all events
> covered by
> the children's info blackout.  The other Hime have had 23 years to
> completely brief
> each other on who did what when, but Chie and Aoi haven't; we haven't even
> seen them
> talk to several:  Shizuru, for instance.  The odds seem high that if
> Crystal pressed harder, or asked
> a wide range of questions instead of just assuming she won't get any
> answers, that she
> might get answers which would differ from those Mai would give her.  What,
> for instance,
> might Chie have to say about the Primus Research massacre?  She could
> correct a certain
> impression that it came early during the year in question, instead of
> towards the end
> (assuming, of course, that she's ever even heard of it).


Hmmm, good point.  Gonna have to meditate on that some.


>
>  telling her.  It's pretty clear she didn't know... what happened at that
>> factory?  We've GOT to go back and look somehow.
>>
>>
> Why would it even occur to Crystal that there'd be any evidence left lying
> around?
> Why does it NOT occur to Crystal to just ask Chie what happened?  Chie
> might get
> overconfident, start to talk under the assumption that she'd know exactly
> when to
> shut up, and make a mistake.
>

Detective stories teach us there's always evidence lying around!  If nothing
else, it's a hope.

But yeah, she should ask.



>
>     "I was not created to be empathic; I understand Alyssa instinctively,
>> but with others, I am still learning, even after all these years," Miyu
>> said
>> to me, slowly and evenly.
>>
> Odd that it never occurs to the children to even joke about Miyu being a
> robot, if she's
> accustomed to making statements like this.


That's me not thinking about it for some reason.  ^^;;

Will have to do that in the future.

>
>
>     "It was a research center, not a factory," Aunt Alyssa corrected me.
>> "And it was Natsuki, I believe, who is most directly responsible for the
>> explosion."
>>
>>
> Heh.  Not the giant robot.  Why doesn't Kasumi report this back to her
> cousins?
>

Good point, need to do that.

>
>     "Your father says he will try to close up the bakery early enough to
>> see
>> you go up against Torio."
>>
>>
> He's in middle management but he's going to close up the bakery?


That = me messing up earlier, as noted above, doh.

>
>     "Wow, I haven't heard your father this angry since the time we
>> accidentally burned the mummy," I said to Dan.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Now that would get some people angry.
>
Yes.



>
>  passing them to Aunt Mikoto.  "Jinnai ran track at your age; he was really
>> good."  Jinnai is Father's elder brother. He's blood kin to me, but he's
>> not
>> part of the family secret, I think.  He's a good uncle, but I think he can
>> tell he's not privy to something, so I don't see him as much as I'd like.
>>
>>
> And he looks more than twenty years older than your father?


Fixed in text.


>
>
>  Dan's parents were there with him stashed in one of the back seats of his
>> Dad's open top jeep.
>>
> So they've dismounted the large machine gun?  Must be easily dismountable
> if they use this
> jeep for normal driving too.
>

Given driving around Japan with a mounted machine gun = trouble, yeah, ti's
dismounted.  It goes back on when it's needed.


>
>     "How about if you ride with us?" Aunt Midori said.  "Shun and Erica can
>> ride with Har... Chie-san."  Hmm, interesting, I thought.  It doesn't come
>> as naturally to her as the others.
>>
> Well, Midori was never friends on Chie or Aoi, only their teacher.  Which
> Crystal knows.


Yeah.  Will fix.

>
>
>  As we walked up to the counter, the manager stared at us.  "Sugoi-sensei,
>> is
>> that you?"  He was a middle aged man, going bald with short black hair
>> he'd
>> tried to comb over it.
>>
>>    "It's Sugiura-sensei, but yes," she said.  "Been a long time,
>> Ishida-san.  I'm surprised you remember me."
>>
>>
> I'm more surprised she can identify him; he's changed but she hasn't, and a
> teacher has a lot
> more students to remember than a student has teachers.


You remember the students who made an impression on you and forget the
rest.

>
>
>  take over the family business.  I own four of these now.  This one's been
>> prospering ever since they FINALLY fixed that damn bridge."
>>
>>    BINGO, I thought.  "Bridge?"
>>
>>    Aunt Midori looked frantic a moment.
>>
>>
> Heh.  This reaction betrays that the Hime have some long-standing agreement
> on how
> to handle the info blackout.  Midori doesn't have to wonder whether Mai
> might have
> mentioned the bridge collapsing to Crystal and explained it away
> harmlessly; she knows
> that the event has never been mentioned to the kids, and that this innocent
> comment is a
> major security leak.


Yeah.  The big things, they'd worked out.  Aided by the fact that a lot of
stuff got covered up.

>
>
> The problem is that this long-standing agreement has to cover so many
> topics that
> Chie and Aoi can't have been fully briefed.  After all, for THEM, the
> bridge
> had another explanation for twenty-three years (even if Chie had doubts,
> she was
> certainly aware of the official explanation), and the plague was real.  The
> probability
> of them getting out of sync with the other Hime, if pressed, approaches
> certainty.


Nods.


>
>
>     "I'm surprised they fixed all the damage.  What with the crop circles
>> and the big fire and the underwear theif and the 'vampire' and a nun
>> getting
>> PREGNANT and..."
>>
>>    Aunt Midori was vibrating.
>>
>>
> Heh again.


Hehe.


>
>
>     You are the best bald man ever to live, I thought.
>>
> HEH!  I love this; Crystal referring to Ishida this way.
>

Hehe.


>
>  mouth.  A nu... duh, Aunt Yukariko and my rarely seen by us cousin
>> Shinichiro.  Shinichiro was concieved when my parents were still in school
>> so he's a lot older than the rest of us and we don't see him much.  He
>> lives
>> in Hokkaido.  He's twenty three or so, I think, and a school teacher of
>> art
>> and math.
>>
>>
> Heh.  That was fast.  A complete back history developed for this character
> in less than three
> weeks.  Nice work.
>

Thanks.  I'm good at creating characters as I have been running RPGs since
1982 and often have to invent entire towns on the fly.



>
>     "So Aunt Mai didn't blow it up?" Dan asked.
>>
>>
> "No, that was your Aunt Alyssa."


Heh.


>
>     "Your Aunt Mai's ferry sank on the way to school, but she didn't sink
>> that
>>
> "Your Aunt Mikoto did that one."


Hehe.


>
>     I cannot imagine her in a maid costume.  She's a professional educator,
>> not someone's servant.  I can't even see her serving tea to someone and...
>> making cookies.
>>
>>    My eyes crossed.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Welcome to adults having been different than you know them as when
> they were younger.
>

Yeah, I have been totally boggled even by my own parents now that I'm
older.  I can't tell if they changed or if I was just blind.



>     A car now pulled up nearby and two men in suits got out, both wearing
>> sunglasses.  "Are you ladies alright?" the first one asked.
>>
>>
> Geez, more MIB.  In the series, MIB are usually, but not always, associated
> with First District,
> which is supposedly defunct.  Which doesn't mean that someone couldn't be
> gathering back
> together the remnants, I suppose.  Which places an interesting
> interpretation on Sakumizo's
> presence.
>

This is a hint of things we'll see in the future.



>
>     I decided not to worry about it; nothing was missing, so they must have
>> just been kind to strangers.
>>
> Pay no attention to the tracer they planted in the car.
>

Heh :)



>
>     "Kasumi wants to steal the guy Crystal refuses to admit she finds
>> attractive, Masakuri Hayao," Natasha said, grinning.
>>
>>    "I am not out to steal him!" I protested.  Crystal turned him down so
>> he's fair game.  Not that I should be thinking about him.
>>
>>    "He's an ass!  You'd better stay away from him for your own good!"
>> Crystal said to me.
>>
>>    "He doesn't seem like a bad guy to me," I said.  "He's so cute and the
>> way he moves and... eep."  I put my hand over my mouth.
>>
>>
> Move along, move along.  No potential causes for intra-team disharmony here
> to see!


None at all!


>
>
>     So why would Mother care?  It's not like any other star but our own can
>> eat the Earth.
>>
>>    Right?
>>
>>
> Heh.
>

Heheh.


>
>     Dan killed his and now I could see one of the signs glowed in the dark.
>> "Hey, one of them glows," I said.
>>
>>    "I see three glowing," Crystal said.
>>
>>    "One for me," Dan said.
>>
>>    "One for me," Shun said.
>>
>>    "Two for me," Erica said a little nervously.
>>
>>    "Two for me," Natasha said.
>>
>>    "Maybe it's by breast size," Shun speculated.
>>
>>    "Hey, my breasts are bigger than the guys!" I protested.  "Can we get
>> some light?" I asked.  "This is... wait, how can each of us see a
>> different
>> number?"
>>
>>    Dan turned his flashlight on.  "Everyone point at the ones which you
>> saw
>> glowing."
>>
>>     Nine out of the fifteen were glowing when we turned the lights of.  No
>> one had any overlap EXCEPT Natasha and Crystal both pointed to the same
>> one
>> as one of theirs.
>>
>>
> I'm thinking the overlap is Mikoto, principle sword sensei to both, and
> that Crystal's third might
> be Nao, but you don't really give us enough evidence to reach any firm
> conclusions.
>

Right on both counts.


>
>
>  The elements will answer their commands, their noble robes will
>> protect them, and their children fight by their sides.
>>
> Missed that intermediate otome-ism the first few times through.
>

Heh.


>
>     "I'm going to stick my head into the water and see if I can see
>> anything
>> underwater," Natasha said.
>>
>>
> You just know Natasha is the one who put her head into ovens as a child.
>

Only once.


>
>     Dan saw the moving shadow and shone his flashlight on it.  It didn't
>> vanish.  Instead, it suddenly sprouted glowing eyes, as did several other
>> shadows, which now rose up like great serpents with glittering ruby eyes.
>> They rippled like a struck pond, as if made of a black, oily liquid.
>>
>>
> Good description.  I can really picture the anime's not-yet-quite-formed
> orphans.
>

Yeah, they're pretty distinctive.


>
>     I didn't want to be a banquet for evil oil snakes who probably work for
>> some nasty polluting oil company.
>>
> Heh. Another nice characterization bit.


Hehe.


>
>
>     I would have to figure that out later.  The wind howled around me and
>> now I felt my clothing explode off my body; for a moment, I was utterly
>> embarrassed, but then the wind collapsed in on me and I found myself clad
>> in
>> new clothing.
>>
>>
> Rats!  One of the things I really like about Mai Hime is the lack of
> clothing transformation.  I think
> it aids belief that the characters are normal people who just one day found
> themselves with
> powers.
>

*Shizuru, episode 26 style*  Sorry!


>
>  by my black belt, then flared out below the waist like a divided skirt.  I
>> wore a domino mask in white on my face with a nose guard that flared out a
>> bit to resemble a beak.
>>
> I can see where the mask might be of subsequent use plot-wise, if you want
> to actually get
> the kids fighting the adults.  Although I think it would be hard to accept
> the adults mistaking
> their own kids because of a domino mask.
>

More on the masks later.  (later story)



>
>     I felt his name inscribed within my heart.  "HORUS!" I shouted.
>>
>>    And now a great white falcon the size of a horse with black and red
>> fringed feathers and light red eyes plunged out of the night sky and
>> plucked
>> out one of the eyes of the giant serpent.
>>
> No mechanical-looking aspects?
>
> Hmm, good point, he needs to have some mechanicalist aspect.



>    "I'm kinda envious," Natasha confessed.  "Only activated by danger,
>> hmm..."
>>
>>
> Exactly the WRONG thought for Natasha to be contemplating...
>

But it's the natural Natasha reaction :)


>
>     Crystal stared at it.  "Dammit, where's an all-explaining wise man when
>> you need one?"
>>
>>    We all laughed at that, and Dan said, "He's in the other castle," which
>> got more laughs.  We needed a little tension release.
>>
>>
> Movie reference?  If so, not one I've seen.


Mario game franchise.  'Princess Peach is in the other castle'.  I expect
they will still be cranking them out in the 2020s.



>
>     "So is it time to confront the adults?" I asked.  "They must know
>> something about this."
>>
>>    "Not yet," Crystal said.  "We need to go into that confrontation
>> knowing
>> as much as possible or they may still try to keep us in the dark."  She
>> frowned.  "For some reason.  They've done it too many times."  She sounded
>> pretty angry about that.
>>
>>
> This is a really bad decision on Crystal's part.  Part of her knows it,
> too, given how she later impulsively
> asks Midori about Marduk.  What I find really remarkable is that all the
> others just fall in line with
> Crystal here.  Erica has no history of obedience, and she must have
> reservations about the wisdom
> of this course; Shun has to have reservations; Natasha should be somewhat
> rebellious or loose-
> lipped just on general principles.
>
> Crystal is starting to forget her original objective: to learn the truth.
>  Her objective, I think, has
> become to learn the truth through her own efforts:  SHE has to be the one
> who forces the truth to light.


Yep.  She's pretty determined to get to the truth; note she has her own
source of info (Nagisa) who she isn't sharing either.  It's a definite flaw.


>
>     There was a sixteenth battle princess mark on the wall and it was
>> white,
>> unlike the others.
>>
>>
> And presumably, had anyone come back her after the next scene, there would
> have been
> a seventeenth, in light grey or silver?


Yes.



>
>
>     I paused and looked at myself.  I had huge armored shoulderpads and a
>> white and blue bodysuit on with white and blue boots. But the bodysuit had
>> two huge diamond shaped cutouts showing my cleavage and my stomach and was
>> pretty tight.  I had a belt around my waist with a tiger fur pattern, the
>> two ends trailing in my winds to either side of my waist. And I had long
>> white and blue gloves.  Something... I touched my head and felt along the
>> thing on my head... was I wearing some kind of hairpiece with... cat
>> ears???
>>
>>
> Aarrgh!  Otome-Akane's costume!  Her reaction to it is kind of amusing,
> though.


Yeah, she's pretty annoyed by it all.


>
>
>     The creature came apart, dissolving away into streamers of crimson
>> light
>> which burned away.  I heard a scream in the woods and saw crimson sparkles
>> of light rise skywards.
>>
>>
> ??? Don't tell me you're using Otome Black Valley summoning for Orphans
> here?
> What kind of crazies did they talk into martyring themselves for this?


Actually, I need to change this as I came up with a better idea than that,
which will come out more in the next chapter, so this is going to be
revised.

Now reads:

The creature came apart, dissolving away into streamers of crimson light
which burned away.  If something had summoned these things, it failed to
make an appearance.


>
>     I just hope I don't end up looking like that every time now.
>>
> You're not alone.  Again, one thing I really liked about "Mai Hime" was the
> way the Hime
> fight in their normal clothes:  Midori in her waitress outfit (which she
> especially changed into
> for the fight!); Mai in her school uniform; Natsuki in her motorcycle
> leathers.


I had to laugh pretty hard at Midori dressing up in her waitress outfit.


>   I had a strong feeling that our parents knew
>> something like this was going to happen?  So why hadn't they told us?  I
>> couldn't think of any good reason and it was making me paranoid.
>>
>>
> To protect you from making the same mistakes they made?  To protect you
> from having to pay
> the price you've just learned about, and are worried about?


Hehe.  Exactly.


>
>
>     "Tell me about Marduk," I said.  I didn't mean to say it.  But I
>> couldn't help myself.
>>
>>
> Interesting.  Crystal believes that she is giving away the game; she
> doesn't know that the older
> generation only knows Marduk by another name.  But Crystal is, at some
> level, sufficiently
> unsure of her own edict about keeping quiet to come out with this request.
>

Yep, exactly.  That and her burning curiosity gets the better of her.


>
>     Aunt Midori cannot lie worth a damn.  So I knew she couldn't have read
>> the Namcub of the Crystal Princess.  Or whatever that thing was.  Or else
>> she'd almost certainly know, as we knew she'd been in that cave.  But if
>> she'd been in that cave, how could she NOT have read it?
>>
>>
> Heh.  Maybe it wasn't there the last time Midori was in the cave?  Crystal
> does seem to know
> enough to be able to speculate that SOME of the events described in that
> namcub must have
> occurred to her folks, ergo this namcub was inscribed afterwards.  Though
> she doesn't know
> the fairly fresh news about the Crimson Huntsman, which was also mentioned.
>

Yeah, it wasn't there the last time Midori visited.


>
> It might not be amiss to somewhere tell us and Crystal when was the last
> time Midori was in
> the cave; that would place an upper bound on how old the current
> inscription could be.  (To us,
> mention of the Crimson Huntsman suggests it's only days old, conflicting
> with Dan's observation
> of the weathered rock.  But possibly what Dan was 'reading' wasn't what was
> written there at all;
> if so, suggest Dan find that what his notebook now says is completely
> different.)
>

Hmm, I will have to figure out a way to do that, though I suppose I could
work it into the Akira POV.    Or maybe here, but Crystal wants to avoid
mentioning the cave.




>
>     For that matter, what did the sign on Kasumi signify?  Was she a battle
>> princess now?
>>
>>
> Of course she is.  Why would Crystal even hesitate at that?  She has no
> prior definition of "battle
> princess" EXCEPT for the sigil.


Good point.  Duh.

Changed it to:

    For that matter, what did the sign on Kasumi signify?  It looks like
she's a battle princess, but why that sigil?  And why is hers a different
color?



>
>
>     And then Aunt Akane came out of the woods, carrying Mitsu-san over one
>> shoulder;
>>
> How strong is Akane outside magic zones?  Or the other Hime?


Akane works out regularly and is strong enough to carry a teenager, though
she wouldn't want to do it on a regular basis.


>
>
>     But if she'd run here, she would still be somewhere in the countryside,
>> unless she can run dozens of miles an hour.  Though if she took a bus to
>> the
>> city, then tried to walk out here...
>>
>>
> I'm puzzled by the geography, I find; I suspect you haven't concretized it
> in your own mind.
> Fuka, on the north shore of Kyushu, is only "dozens of miles" from
> Rosewood, which is "let's go over
> every afternoon" distance from where the Hime live, which is sufficiently
> urban for Mai to do
> business consulting, Tate to work for a robotics firm, and Haruka and
> Yukino to run a very, very
> large company, and Roger to work as a full-time negotiator.
>

Rosewood is in Tokyo, and I stupidly relied on the probably inaccurate map
in my head.  ^^;;


>
> Easy enough to fix, though, I think; just leave Rosewood and the Hime's
> residences in Tokyo,
> and make sure going to and from Fuka is a multi-hour ride on the
> Shinkansen.  Still a small issue
> with your characters driving there earlier; might want to move Fuka to
> north-east corner of
> Shikoku, much closer to Osaka, and have your characters have driven to Fuka
> from Osaka
> ("we keep a second jeep stashed here just in case").  Or conceivably just
> have all the characters
> live in the Osaka area now.
>

Hmm, that would work too.  I mainly wanted to put Fuuka on an island so as
to further explain why they took a ship to it in early Mai Hime.


>
> Again, though, I'm nitpicking.  Yes, this disrupts verisimilitude somewhat
> to me, but probably
> not to the vast majority of your readers.


Yeah, well, I like to not mess that sort of thing up too much myself.

>
>
>     "Harada-san told us that fortunately, the appropriate paperwork to come
>> on the trip was filed for her two days before you left and it's properly
>> chaperoned by two of the school staff, so she won't be in trouble at all;
>> she'll actually get some credit for this,"
>>
> Heh.  Trust Chie to cover all the bases.


She plans ahead.


>
>
>     "If I bathe with any of our elders, they may notice my... tattoo,"
>> Kasumi said slowly.  She ran her fingers around it slowly, studying it
>> nervously.
>>
>>
> Interesting.  It's still there.  The older generations' aren't there inside
> the shrine.  Which would
> appear to mean that the older generation knows that Mitsu's tattoo is also
> still present, since
> she's of the same generation as Kasumi.  And it also would seem to mean
> that the younger
> generation keeps their powers everywhere, or at least in a wider zone than
> their parents.
>

Yeah, the elders know this and it worries them.



>
> Just had another thought:  Akane sort of re-pledged herself, with her own
> recitation, during
> her and Mitsu's fight (presumably it was Mitsu's pledge at the beginning of
> that fight which
> caused her tattoo to appear, her sigil to appear in the cave, etc).  Does
> her tattoo persist
> now as well?


Yes.


>
>
>     "Yeah, but how can you hide it?" I asked, finishing Natasha's hair.
>>
>>
> Why do you want so badly to hide it?  Actually, Kasumi herself probably has
> another reason, her
> general shyness.  The tattoo calls attention to her she'd rather not have.


Yeah, exactly.

>
>
>  extremely quickly. I was a little jealous.  But only a little.  I'm not
>> that
>> petty. Usually, anyway.
>>
>>
> Ah, another potential source of discord within the younger generation!


Heh.  Kasumi is used to being kind of special as she's her mother's beloved
daughter, but now with Mitsu effectively moving closer to Mama, there's some
Jealousy there, yeah.


>
>
>     You know, if the adults in our family are the Battle Princesses, then
>> Aunt Haruka must be one of the strongest.  She fights so well and so
>> bravely.
>>
>>
> Heh.  But with such conflicted, repressed love.


Yeah.  Which is a problem for her.


>
>
>     I wish I could tell Aunt Miyu, I thought. She'd be proud of me.
>>
>>
> Per Miyu's comments in ADOF, Miyu doesn't need to be told.  She can sense
> it directly.  And if Kasumi
> still has her tattoo all the time, Miyu should be able to sense it all the
> time.


Kasumi doesn't know that, though.

>
>
>     "The real question is whether or not that's Ishida-san singing the
>> Fuuka
>> Fight Song," Aunt Aoi said grinning and looking at Aunt Chie in a teasing
>> way.
>>
>>
> Recognizing a singing voice she presumably hasn't heard for a number of
> years is pretty good going.
> Or maybe you meant that Aoi doesn't have any idea that Ishida is actually
> here; she's just saying
> this to tease Chie.  Which would mean Ishida is known to both Aoi and Chie
> to be prone to
> bursting into this particular song.  Which maybe we should have been clued
> into earlier?  You
> might consider having him burst into song back at the gas station and
> having Midori look
> unsurprised to Crystal's eyes.


Hmm, good point.

>
>
>     To my surprise, Crystal said, "I think I do hear Ishida-san," causing
>> Aunt Chie to stare at her in utter surprise, then hide behind me.
>>
>>    "Auntie?" I asked in confusion.
>>
>>    "I am not here," she hissed into my ear.
>>
>>
> Heh.  I really liked this twist.


Chie needs a certain amount of periodic deflation.  We all have our
weaknesses.


>
>
>     "Yeah, Ishida-san just called us up out of the blue for a game, so
>> we're
>> on our way over to the courts for a game or three," Kajima-san said.
>>
>>
> Heh.  The apparently-pointless converrsation back in the gas station bears
> fruit.


Yep!

Though that conversation also confirmed some things for Crystal too.


>
>
>     "It's just... he was totally obsessed with me senior year.  I just
>> reached the point where I couldn't deal with him any more."  She glanced
>> back down the road.  "Of course, it didn't help when Aoi kept
>> 'accidentally'
>> revealing me."  She stared over at Aoi, who laughed.
>>
>>
> I can just see the two of them behaving like that, too.
>

Hehe.



>
>     "I'm kind of stunned you two of all people got married.
>>
> Heh.  Wonderful misinterpretation.
>

It's a natural conclusion, given Mikoto's bond with the idiot twins.


>
>     "I teach here," he said proudly.  "We've been national champions three
>> years in a row!"
>>
>>    The rest of us now milled forwards.  "Hello, Takeda-san," Aunt Shiho
>> said.  "I'll make sure to tell Yuuichi-kun that."
>>
>>
> That's the sort of thing Yuuichi would already know; former high-school
> athletes, in my experience,
> follow their old alma maters enough to know about events that significant.
>  But Shiho might not know that.
>

Yeah.



>
>     Aunt Mikoto grinned.  "She and Natasha are geniuses with a blade.  I'm
>> very proud of them."
>>
>>    "Let's spar like in the old days, Takeda-san!" Aunt Mikoto said
>> enthusiastically.
>>
>>
> Two consecutive paragraphs with Mikoto as the speaker.  Suggest combining:
>  "She and Natasha
> are geniuses with a blade!  I'm very proud of them," Aunt Mikoto proclaimed
> with a grin, then
> added enthusiastically,  "Hey!  Let's spar like in the old days,
> Takeda-san!"


Good point.


>
>     "That's not true at all," Mitsu-san said.  "If we fight without rules,
>> we become monsters."
>>
>>    "And if you do, monsters eat you," Katsuhito said sagely.
>>
>>
> Heh.  U.S. national security debate in a nutshell (with the neocons as
> unruly ten-year-olds).


Yep.


>
>
>     "Aunt Mikoto would save me when Mommy gets eaten, but I'd cry for
>> Mommy," Katsuhito said.
>>
>>
> Heh.
>

Katsuhito loves his mother but is aware she is not usually ACTION COMMANDO
MOMMY.


>     "See, Aunt Mikoto's a super-badass.  She'll save us all while you save
>> us from being killed by Aunt Mikoto's cooking," Katsuhito said to Mother.
>>  I
>> suppose this is what passes for trying to be concilliatory with him.
>>
>>
> Heh.
>
>>    Once the painting was done, we feasted on cookies and tea.  Aunt Fumi's
>> cookies are just incredible. Aunt Fumi's cookies are just incredible.
>>
> Is the repetition deliberate?


No, I'm not sure at all what happened there.


>
>
>     Oh man, what happened at Tallin... that had to be one of their cases.
>> And she probably joined the Order because of something that happened when
>> the monsters killed everyone at Primus Research.  When our parents were in
>> school.
>>
>>    That's got to be how they all gained their powers, having to save the
>> school from the invading monsters.
>>
> Logical enough deductions, given what Crystal knows, though she seems to be
> ignoring the
> actual sequence she's been given.  The 'Primus Research' massacre came
> late, not early.
>

Urgle, good point.  Must fix.




>
>     I stepped up and put my hands on my shoulders, "It's okay, Aunt Nao.  I
>> grew up with Mother and her endless quest for normality," I told her.
>>
> Living in a threesome, with two swordsfanatic lovers... That's an odd
> perspective for a 16-year-old
> to have of a mother she's afraid to show off to prospective friends.


Heh, well, you see, Crystal's view of normality is itself kind of twisted.
But yes.

Changed to:

I stepped up and put my hands on her shoulders, "It's okay, Aunt Nao.  I
grew up with Mother; I know how stubborn she can be sometimes," I told her.
"So these monsters..."



>
>     It took a huge amount of space for us all; I was surprised Aunt Fumi
>> had
>> enough tables and food,
>>
> The headmistress of a private school with over 2000 students has to do a
> lot of entertaining
> to alumni and donors, typically.  Though Crystal might not know that.


Crystal doesn't know much about such things.


>
>
>     "She was a lot like them when I met her," Mother said.  "Though she
>> never would have said anything that bratty to her family."
>>
>>
> I just can't see Mai saying this.  Mai spent enough time exasperated with
> Mikoto, but she
> never once hesitated about being seen in public with Mikoto.  People
> denigrate Mikoto in
> the series by calling her an animal, not a demon, as she's not malicious.


Hmm, good point, must fix it.

Changed to:

    "Aunt Mikoto was raised more like a boy than most girls," Dad said.

    "I think she's still in touch with childhood more than the rest of us,"
Mother said.  "She was never as bratty as them, more of...well, she had an
odd family."

    Uncle Reito seems pretty normal, but they never talk about their kin and
I don't know why.  I glanced over and Keiichi and Katsuhito looked pale as
Aunt Mikoto lectured them. "Wow, she's really letting them have it.  I can't
think of any time she got that cross with me."



>
>
>     "Do you see something?" Aunt Yukariko asked softly.
>>
>>    Uncle Wataru now looked up.
>>
>>    "No, and I never will, as you both know," he said.
>>
>>
> Well, this definitely settles the question of whether Shinichiro's been
> told the family secret.
>
> You'd think Crystal might be able to put this together with Akane's "red
> star" panic
> and come up with some ideas.
>

Doh!  Good point!

What was he talking about?  Wait...Aunt Akane had been panicking over a red
star...but why would a red star matter?  There are lots of them, right?



>
>     "I know a little too well," Aunt Yukariko mumbled, while Uncle Wataru
>> stared off at the trees.
>>
>>    Wait, were THEY like that?
>>
>>
> Heh.  Surprise, Crystal!


HEHEH


>
>
>     "This is where I met Mai and Mikoto and Yuuichi and Shiho," Aunt
>> Natsuki
>> said.
>>
>>    "Where you scared us nearly to death," Mother said, laughing.
>>
>>
> Well, technically Natsuki already knew Yuuichi, and possibly Shiho; and I
> don't think Natsuki
> and Shiho ever encountered each other on the ferry.  And she didn't meet
> Mikoto ON the ferry,
> as she'd already attacked Mikoto once that day.


Yes.


>
>     "I didn't know you met Aunt Natsuki on the boat too." I vaguely knew
>> the
>> rest of them had all met on the ferry on the way to school.  But not the
>> details.
>>
>>    "My first sight of Natsuki was her kicking me in the groin with her
>> knee," Dad said, groaning exaggeratedly.
>>
>>
> Yuuichi was already working for the student council (that's what he was
> doing on the ferry,
> scoping it as a possible site for the Founder's Day festival, for Reito),
> and Natsuki was already
> in the habit of dropping in on Shizuru, and they had been in the same grade
> since the beginning
> of the school year, one homeroom apart.  Yuuichi's only sight of Natsuki is
> of her wearing her
> motorcycle helmet at the moment she kicked him, so it seems most probable
> that Yuuichi didn't
> know that this was Natsuki until long afterwards.


Yeah, I would agree.  He has benefit of hindsight here, though yeah, good
point, he would have likely seen her before.  Will have to fix that.

Changed to:

"I'd seen her around campus before, but this is where Mai and Mikoto met
her," Dad said.



>
>     We got onto the boat, though something about the crew made me nervous.
>>
>>
> It wasn't clear to me what I was supposed to read into this.
>
>     Aunt Natsuki's wrist watch suddenly beeped and her eyes widened.
>> "Everyone, don't turn around," she said softly.
>>
>>
>>    "There's a large number of men with guns coming this way.  Probably
>> pirates," Aunt Natsuki whispered.
>>
>>
> Natsuki has a watch which can detect approaching men with guns?  Frankly,
> this just
> completely blew my suspension of disbelief.  How could such a device
> possibly work, based
> on science and technology?  They're out in the open air, on a ferry; it's
> can't be based on
> metal detector principles, as the ferry itself would throw that completely
> off.  It can't be
> based on detecting minute quantities of gunpowder in the air, not when
> they're out in the
> middle of a bay and the detection is supposed to be men approaching in
> motorboats;
> the motorboats' own speed would outstrip anything else.


This is a universe where people can build things like Miyu.  But yeah, I see
your points.  Will have to fix all this stuff here to be more plausible.



>
>     "Assuming my watch's readings are correct," Natsuki said.  "I suspect a
>> few of the ferry crew are in cahoots with them.
>>
> I got really lost here too.  Having a few of the crew in cahoots implies a
> regular thing, robbing
> rich passengers; but why then the focus on the Hime in particular?  Having
> the pirates really be
> MIB First District remnants is plausible on its own, except that it doesn't
> really fit with crew
> in cahoots and REALLY doesn't fit with Nina Wang later saying that the
> coast guard has
> been after these guys for a while.


The pirates are being used as pawns by someone else; more on this down the
road.



>
>     Dad frowned.  "It smells."
>>
>>
> I agree.  Something has to be up.
>
>     Distantly, I heard an odd noise, like metal scraping on metal, up in
>> the
>> sky, but it was dark enough I couldn't see anything.  "Does anyone else
>> hear
>> that?"
>>
>>
> What the heck?  Is Big O here as well?  But if he could manifest here,
> Mai/Natsuki/Shiho would
> be able to do things they're not doing, as far as we know now.


Aaargh, this is an artifact left over from another draft where in fact that
would have been Big O and then I remembered, he couldn't show up.

>
>
>     Mother seemed to concentrate on something, then looked frustrated.
>> "Swim faster."
>>
>>
> Here Mail clearly tries to summon at least her Element, so she could fly to
> shore, but can't.


Yes.


>
>
>     "Will they have eyepatches and parrots?  I like parrots," Aunt Mikoto
>> asked excitedly.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Funny, but perhaps a shade too juvenile for this Mikoto.
>

True.


>
>  felt proud of myself, carrying Mom to safety.  I'd be able to brag about
>> this forever.  I guess I'm being shallow, but I don't care.  This was
>> totally cool.
>>
>>
> Okay, we're getting good characterization for Crystal here:  this is
> definitely a source of
> concern, that she can be so excited, without being nervous or afraid, in
> this situation.


Yeah, she really doesn't fully appreciate the kind of danger they're in.


>
>
>     "At least this time the boat didn't sink," Aunt Shiho mumbled.
>>      My ears immediately perked up. The boat sank the first time they came
>> here?  No wonder Aunt Mikoto needed mouth to mouth.
>>
>>
> Crystal already knew this, from the gas station stop.


Changed to:

I had to wonder what exactly sank the boat.  Some kind of mishap with their
powers, maybe?



>
>     "This is awesome," Aunt Mikoto said.  "We finally get to take Crystal
>> on
>> a real adventure with us!"  She came over, hugged me, then bounced back to
>> Mom.
>>
>>
> That's right, Mikoto:  go ahead and let Crystal know that you and Mai have
> been on adventures WITHOUT
> Crystal in the past!


Heh.

>
>
>  If Mom is the Dragon Princess... holy shit, she must have a dragon!  An
>> actual dragon.  Man, that would rock.
>>
>>
> Heh.  This will be an interesting scene whenever it occurs.


Yes!

>
>
>     "Oh man, Nina Wang?" Aunt Mikoto asked.
>>
>>    "Yes," Aunt Haruka said.  "You know her?"
>>
>>    "She's going to totally lord this over me forever," Mikoto grumbled.
>>
>>
> Heh.
>

Ahh, old rivalries.


>
>     "It's no problem.  I've worked with Suzushiro-san before," Colonel Wang
>> said.  "We've been after these guys for a long time."
>>
>>    "So they are pirates?" I asked, feeling a little surprised.  I thought
>> you only got pirates off in places like Indonesia.  There had to be more
>> going on here than just piracy.
>>
>>    "Among other things, yes.  I'll let you know if we find out anything
>> interesting from them, Suzushiro-san."
>>
>>
> So these men ARE known pirates.  But why were they specifically after the
> Hime, then?
> This entire incident is puzzling.


This will be explained later.


>
>
>     Man, everyone else is going to be totally jealous.
>>
>> ***************
>>
>>    "Pirates?  DAMMIT, I should have gone with Mom," Natasha said.  She
>> sounded utterly, totally jealous.
>>
>>
> These kids really need to grow up.  If nothing else, they should realize
> that they do NOT
> want to be saying things like this where their parents can hear them.  It's
> difficult to even
> imagine anything more calculated to increase Mai's determination to hide
> the truth.


They will grow up, but they haven't really managed to integrate how deep
they're getting yet.


>
>
>  super outfit, in the game.  Maybe she was hoping it would awaken both of
>> our
>> abilities."
>>
>>
> No, just training you (but mostly Akane and Shiho) to use them IF you
> turned out to have them.


Yep

>
>
>     "Given we're the same age they were when this all started, it's not
>> like
>> we can't handle it.  They handled it," I said.
>>
> The kids' key mistake:  the parents did NOT handle it; they SURVIVED it.
>  Very few of the Hime
> can be entirely proud of their actions during the festival.  Fortunately,
> the parents fare better
> than the non-parents, for the most part.  Mai and Midori and (to a lesser
> extent) Akira can
> take some pride in how they did; Akane may not have done too well, but need
> not be ashamed
> of her actions.  Shiho is the only mother who really might have a problem
> with that, but Natasha
> is probably the least inclined of the kids to artificially idolize her
> mother.  But not even the
> mothers could actually want for their children to have to go through what
> they went through.
>

Yeah.  The kids don't know enough to know all that.


>
>  and Aunt Shiho's parents were dead too and her grandfather was raising
>> her.
>>
>>
> In episode 13, while dressing for the festival, Shiho comments to herself
> that her parents are "out", not
> "dead", so she needn't worry about what time she comes home.


DOH.


>
>
>     "Well..." Dan said.  "You know, if they told Shinichiro at eighteen,
>> that's about when he went totally into King of all Emo mode."
>>
>>
>>    "I can guess why he turned Emo," Shun said softly.
>>
>>    We all looked at him.
>>
>>    "If it's true that only women can be Battle Princesses, then he may
>> well
>> have gotten Emo over basically being relegated to the sidelines for life,"
>> Shun said.
>>
>>
> Bingo!  The kids finally got a call right!


Yep!


>
>
>     I suddenly felt horrible for Dan and Shun. I somehow totally hadn't
>> thought about that at all.  How do the guys cope with it in our family?
>>
> Your father, only with great difficulty, and Reito isn't much better.  Only
> Takumi seems
> utterly okay with the situation, but then he's spent his entire life
> relying on the women in
> his family.


Takumi tends to ride the tide of life, is my impression.  Though he did want
to go patrol with Akira one time, he largely stayed out of trouble without
much worries.


>
>     "Well... they have been searching you guys too, right?" Kasumi said.
>>
>>    "Yeah," Dan said.
>>
>>    "Dad's checked me a few times, but I got the impression they were a lot
>> more serious about it with you girls than us guys," Shun said.
>>
>>
> So the boy-checks are perfunctory, about what we readers would expect.
>  (And I guess Shun
> really is a boy.  So why was Akira so ambiguous about whether Shun gets
> checked in UAB?)


Akira was getting snippy at Crystal being snippy.


>
>
>     "Ergo, it must be possible for men, even if it does mess up our
>> attempts
>> to guess who is a Battle Princess," Kasumi said.  "Why bother searching
>> them
>> otherwise?"
>>
>>
> Maybe your parents don't know for sure?
>

Heh.  But the parents know EVERYTHING and HIDE IT FROM US.


>
>     "Hey, Hayao is BAD NEWS," I told her.
>>
>>    "Whatever," Kasumi said, leaning back and looking up at the sky.
>>
>>    I'm just trying to protect you.  You always seem to attract the worst
>> men, I thought.
>>
>>
> "You can't handle them.  Only I can."


Exactly.  In its own way, this is the same as the parents trying to protect
the kids :)

>
>
>     "Anyway, out of my way!"  He slapped Kagami-san in the side of the face
>> with tremendous force and I expected her to go sprawling.  Instead, she
>> just
>> stood there, putting a hand to her cheek and looking angry.
>>
>>
> So Mitsu has her powers in this spot.


Yes.


>
>
>     Then I saw something.  Was a shadow moving?  Or was I imagining things?
>>
>>
> Well, that figures if Mitsu has her powers.
>
> The point of this whole scene kind of escapes me.  It's a good way to
> characterize Mitsu, but I
> don't think it added much to our knowledge of Shun, other than that he's
> not bothered by having
> a woman do his fighting.  It was kind of a long scene to have so little
> point.


It's mainly intended to characterize Mitsu and Shun, yeah.  Especially,
though, to show off that Mitsu has little combat experience, so her raw
power alone isn't enough to handle this.


>
>  the Battle Princesses make you vulnerable?  Were we endangering ourselves
>> probing into it?
>>
>>
> Yes.


Yes.


>
>
>  seem to have been restored by Miyu's destruction of these pillars.  Are we
>> free now?  Or do we accept the risk of the loss of our loved ones every
>> time
>> we summon them?  The fact that our powers work only in fairly limited
>> areas
>> and that so far, we've been very lucky, has kept us from finding out.  But
>> those areas are slowly spreading.  And so far as I can tell, I think soon
>> we
>> will have to abandon the lives we've carved out for ourselves and fight.
>>
>>
> Nice angsty reflection scene, very Akira.
>
Thanks.



>
>  the thought of losing him... He is still, after all these years, the one I
>> love the most.
>>
>>
> That's actually kind of odd for a mother.  Most mothers I've known
> (including, I learned much
> later, my own) tend to accumulate small grudges and resentments against
> their husbands over time,
> but lavish the kind of blind, ungrudging love on their children which they
> no longer have for their
> husbands.  This situation might switch back to some extent, once the kids
> are grown and absent,
> and the friction their presence generates is gone (the friction typically
> comes from the kids, but
> both parents take it out on each other, as they CAN'T take it out on the
> kids), but I'd have
> thought all of your mothers would think of their children as their current
> "most precious" people
> rather than their partners.  And, for Akane, that would be Kasumi, as the
> twins aggravate her too
> much.


Akira gave up way more for Takumi than most people, so I think they have to
have a very strong love.  She loves Shun very much, but she hasn't had to
make the sacrifices for Shun she made for Takumi.  I'm sure they have their
conflicts too, but it seems to me for them to have made this work, their
love would have to still be pretty powerful.



>
>  know what he is getting into.  If he is not yet Kagami's most important
>> person, he will be soon, I am sure.  Which means she may be risking his
>> life
>> every time she goes into battle, and he doesn't even know.
>>
>>
> True.


Yep.


>
>
>  then we would have to explain everything.  I feel no shame for my role in
>> the Festival. I avoided hunting my fellows until I had no choice and I
>> fell
>> honorably.
>>
> True, and an appropriate way for Akira to feel, I think (but:  although it
> might not come up in this
> context, I'd think someone raised and trained by a ninja clan would also
> feel ashamed of having
> fallen so early in the festival, despite being the youngest.  Shiho, with
> no training and a year
> older, fell later.).
>

Hmm, good point too.



>
>   and I fear if I
>> had been a little luckier, I would have been one of them.  I do not wish
>> the
>> children to hate Shizuru for her succumbing to the madness brought by the
>> Obsidian Prince or Shiho for succumbing to the base impulses of childhood,
>> or Mikoto for being loyal to her kin or even Yukino for being weak and a
>> pawn.  I was raised to kill without regret or pity and I fear that as the
>> power of the star grew, I might have become far more terrible than even
>> Shizuru did.
>>
>>
> Now THAT'S an awful thing to be afraid of...
>

Yep.  But a logical fear, I think.


>
>  only knows a part of the truth and I fear the consequences of her knowing
>> and her not-knowing.
>>
>>
> Given the number of private conversations she's been having with the older
> generation Hime, I'd
> have thought she'd be completely briefed by this time.  Or, at least, on
> possible prices; by no means
> can Mitsu know much more about the Festival than the cousins do at this
> point.


Hmm, good point, yeah.

Changed to:

And I do not wish to lose my son, not even temporarily.  Kagami-san is a
good girl; indeed, in many ways she's exactly what I want for Shun, but now
my son's life is in her hands and she is hardly trained to fight at all.



>
>     Fumi hadn't mentioned this.  Then again, does Fumi know?  What reason
>> does she have to come down here often?
>>
>>
> Good question.


Yep.


>
>
>     I studied Charon; he looked oddly like an effort to make Death cute.
>> Which fitted Fumi, I suppose.
>>
>>
> Heh.
>

Maid Fumi = all about the cute


>
>  shape of various of the Children.  Fumi led me on silently to the base of
>> the massif; I could see three staircases; one in front of me, and one to
>> either side.  I expected there were likely three more to match beyond.
>>  This
>> one was made out of steel with two huge side rails all the way up.
>>    The one off to the right was made of red sandstone and the one to the
>> left was made of wood.
>>
> I didn't really register the staircases until the third time through:
>  Steel, red sandstone, wood,
> white ivory, sapphire, and transparent crystal.  This gives us the
> elemental affinities for the new
> generation of Hime, with Mitsu as "steel" (metal) and Kasumi as "white
> ivory" (air), leaving wood,
> sandstone, sapphire (water, perhaps?), and crystal for Natasha, Erica,
> someone else, and Crystal.
>

Yep.  Intended to be subtle.

Sapphire is water, yeah.


>
>     "I cannot open the shrine," Fumi said.  "But I think I have an idea how
>> now."
>>
>>    She took me up the stairs to the double doors which had six hime signs
>> on it; a translucent one in the middle of constantly changing colors and
>> ringing it were five:  white, blue, red (a lighter red than that of our
>> marks), grey, and green.  "These marks were just colored circles on my
>> previous visits, but now they are colored Hime signs," Fumi said.
>>
>>
> Colors corresponding to the staircases, natch.


Yep

>
>
>     "And Kagami-san has a grey mark," I said softly.
>>
> Heh.  Too bad they're not seeing glows, so that they'd know "white" has
> been activated.
>
> Why isn't Midori visiting the store-room behind the shrine, while she's
> here?  (And seeing
> the same things on the wall.)
>

I'm not sure if she has a good reason to, as she already copied all the
stuff she saw there a long time ago.  Will have to think on this as it'll
influence the next chapter.



>
>     "I don't know," Fumi said.  "But where the Festival demanded only one
>> winner, I think this requires six people to cooperate."
>>
>>
> Good.


Yep.


>
>
>     She produced the book from somewhere and opened it, counting pages.
>> "Here on page six..."  She paused and stared.
>>
>>    "It looks like... some kind of writing," I said, staring at the wedge
>> shaped script.
>>
>>
> Cuneiform.  Too bad neither seems to recognize it, given that they have
> Midori and the Professor
> handy.  Actually, you'd think they'd run it by those two anyway.


As we will see in the next chapter, they do this and we will get a report.


>
>     "But there's only fourteen Hime... fifteen with Kagami-san.  If more
>> Hime bearing the colored marks appear..."
>>
>>    "I think those over there are for the new Hime to come," Fumi said.  "I
>> am not sure how we number fifteen, though perhaps Alyssa counts for this.
>> All is new and the old lore often does not apply."
>>
>>
> Alyssa nearly has to count unless you're planning a switcheroo, suddenly
> revealing that Tate is one
> or something.
>

It is Alyssa, not Tate, yar.



>
> Although, if Alyssa could count, being artificial, we'd have to speculate
> that Roger might too,
> and they can't BOTH count, or we'd have too many.
> Huh.  Too many possibilities.


Info on Roger, next story.

>
>
>  the Obsidian Lord dead, there is no single destiny; rather, competing
>> ones.
>> And we will be the ones to determine which one wins.  And for that..."
>>
>>    "We must fight."  I said flatly.
>>
>>
> Potentially promising...


Good.


>
>
>  what the future would bring.  Would the others get powers like me?
>>
> Yes.
>

Hehe


>
>     Of course, this would be easier if the parents would just confess, but
>> I
>> learned that's an immovable object a long time ago, unlike Crystal, who is
>> just relentless in trying to wear them down.  So I'll just go around them
>> and do what I can.
>>
>>
> That certainly well fits with their elemental affinities.
>

Yep!



>
> Great work, and looking eagerly forward to more!
>

I am really happy with this series.  I wrote Under a Barrel in a frenzy of
inspiration, wrote half of Sword of the Lord and the first third of the
Mikoto story, then it all lay fallow for a long time until I finally figured
out where I was going with it all.

Next chapter, some time in April:  Roger's Rules of Order
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