[FFML] Fwd: [Mai Hime, Future] A Dream of Flight

[John Biles]

On Sun, Mar 1, 2009 at 6:15 PM, Bert Miller <hkmiller at theeddy.com> wrote:

> Again, I love these stories!
>
> John Biles wrote:
>
>> civilizations dwell.  Some love me, some fear me, but everyone knows who I
>> am, for I am the Dragon-Rider, the Princess of Fire.
>>
>>
> A Mai first-person.  Great!  I wondered if you were going to do one.


Yeah.  She and Crystal are basically the leaders of their respective
generations, so I had to do this.

Natsuki will get a first person in the as of yet unnamed story after Road
Trip which will, if I persist in my plans, deal with her, Shizuru, and Roger
Smith.



>
>
>     It's just so intoxicating, to ride Kagatsuchi into battle, to unleash
>> my
>> fire.  Too intoxicating.  I can't trust it.
>>
> Nice characterization bit.


Heh.  Mai is torn between the part of her that wants normality and the part
which wants adventure.  And now the latter side of her is starting to awake
after a long slumber.


>
>     Shun twirls, skirts fluttering.  You'd think he was a woman...
>>
> While I think you picked Shun's name partly to convince us readers that
> Shun really is a boy,
> Akira's one comment in "Under a Barrel" only makes sense to me if Shun is
> just
> like Akira was:  really a girl, posing as a boy who sometimes dresses as a
> girl.


That, as they say, would be telling. :)



>
>
>     "I only did it when I had to f...," I caught myself just in time.  For
>> a
>> moment, his eyes flicker and they are more his mother's in triumph than
>> his
>> father's gentle ones.  And I wonder which of them he really got more from.
>>
>>
> Heh.
>
>> logo of various colors.  I guess someone just really liked roses.
>>
>>
> Even if Nagi isn't around, then, perhaps Akio Ohtori is.  Or Touga.  (Given
> that you've already
> twice implied that Utena happened in this universe.)


Hehe.  That, as they say, would be telling.



>
>
>     They're older now.  I'm thirty nine,
>>
> Wow, an actual pinpointed age!  (As opposed to "in my thirties".)
>

Yep!


>
>
>     I haven't seen them in a year, not since our twentieth high school
>> reunion, and really, I haven't seen a lot of them since college.  You know
>> how it is, once you go out into the world, it's easy to drift away and
>> lose
>> contact.
>>
> No trace of irony here in Mai's thought; it doesn't even occur to Mai
> compare this with
> how the Hime and associates have kept touch.


Yes, but that's so much a part of her life that it registers as 'total
normality', the way I normally don't think I'm lucky my roof isn't
collapsing.



>
>     And it's hard for those of us in the family to really...people know
>> when
>> you're hiding something.  When you have to keep a secret...though really,
>> they're both pretty trustworthy.
>>
>>
> Exactly.  Chie and Aoi have to have known, for twenty-two years plus, that
> Mai has a
> secret she's not sharing with them.  You don't really show us any of this;
> we never find
> out what they suspected (unlike quickie boyfriends, Chie and Aoi have a
> context of
> surrounding events in which to place the secret, and the list of those in
> the know
> means something [probably several somethings] to them); whether they
> resented the
> exclusion or concluded that they were better off not knowing.  You never
> show us
> Chie trying to pump the children for info.


Yeah, I somehow wasn't thinking about that enough.  Will have to make some
revisions.

And it looked to me from the end of Hime that they basically decided it was
best not to push too hard, rather than feeling resentfully, as they're
totally normal with Mai and company in the final scenes.



>
>     I'm not sure how much they know...they might know everything or almost
>> nothing; you couldn't attend our high school without knowing of some of
>> the
>> weird things which happened.
>>
>>
> Exactly.  Chie and Aoi knew how Mai arrived at the school; they knew Mai
> was absent
> from class the afternoon the hillside in back of the school caught fire;
> etc, etc.  Chie knew
> who was NOT present in the gym when the soldiers started conducing "medical
> tests"
> on the girls, and could have should have correlated that list with Mai's
> later sudden
> intimates and co-secret-holders.


Yeah.


>
>
>     "Does everyone still think they're a gay couple?" Aoi asked.
>>
>>    "What?" Crystal asked, confused.
>>
>>    "Haven't you ever seen the pictures?" Aoi asked.
>>
>>    "Pictures?  What?" she asked.
>>
>>    "I could have...well, I suppose it never came up," I told Crystal.
>> "Akira-chan was posing as a boy when she came to Fuka Academy."
>>
>>
> That's a pretty big thing to have "never came up", given that it's not
> related to the
> big secret.


I was 23 before I actually learned how my parents met.  Mind you, I didn't
have any big family secrets, either.



>
>     We eventually got to the restaurant; Tiger Claw is a pretty good
>> Chinese
>> restaurant; I have to say that one thing I appreciate about being an adult
>> is being able to afford good-quality food.  Even if I would make their
>> orange sauce differently.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Nice bit of characterization, though I think you could sharpen it by
> telling us HOW:
> "Even if I would use more ginger and less sugar in the orange sauce."
>

Hah!


>
>
>     "He's a lot higher class," Crystal said.  "His name is Roger Smith and
>> he's a negotiator."
>>
>>    "Wait, she's dating Roger Smith?" Chie asked, surprised.
>>
>>    "You know him?" I asked curiously, then began working on another
>> eggroll.
>>
>>    "He's so handsome," Aoi said, putting a hand to her cheek.
>>
>>    "He is handsome," Chie said, sounding slightly rueful.
>>
>>    "I thought he had a thing with his creepy secretary, though," Aoi said.
>>
>>
> Roger Smith seems to be very well known in your world, better known
> generally than
> he is in his original series.


Roger Smith lives in a city full of people with lost memories in the
original.  But he is somewhat better known in this world than that, yar.


>
>
>     "Senoh-sensei, you're smearing barbeque sauce on your cheek," Crystal
>> said to her right as I held out a napkin to her.
>>
>>
> They're married, but Aoi still uses her maiden family name?


Well, I'm not actually sure what a lesbian couple would do in terms of who
takes whose name if at all.  ^^;;

It's an area where tradition fails us.


>
>     "We had to adopt," Chie said.  "And I suppose you could, but..."  It
>> was
>> clear she wished they'd been able to have one who would be the natural
>> child
>> of both of them.
>>
>>
> Given that this is twenty-odd years in the future, one might have thought
> it would be
> technically feasible by this time.  Just for verisimilitude, you might
> consider adding
> a bit of conversation where the current state of that technology is given
> to us:
> "We'd really wished we'd been able to have a natural child of both of us,"
> Chie
> said, "but they're still having trouble with that.  It'll probably be
> another five
> years."
>

Hmm, good point there.

Changed it to:

"We had to adopt," Chie said.  "The technology at the time wasn't ready and
now we're both old enough it's not safe to be pregnant."




>
>
>     "How is Erica doing?" I asked her.
>>
>>    "She's at Rosewood this year, same grade as Crystal," Chie said.
>>
>>
> Ergo they adopted a daughter the same year they got married?  You might
> want to push
> the wedding back from sixteen years previous to eighteen or so.  But I
> suppose Erica
> might have been a few years old when adopted.


I changed it to 18 years of marriage.

>
>
>     Crystal cocked her head.  "Wait...Harada Erica is your daughter?"  She
>> poked the side of her head.  "Of course.  I should have realized."
>>
>>
> So the five now have an honorary sixth.  In your next story, having Crystal
> and co
> try to figure out how to relate to Erica, when to include her, etc, ought
> to be
> interesting.  For that matter, Erica suddenly has two mothers with a big
> secret
> they won't tell her, and five new cousins she previously barely knew.  Her
> reaction ought to be even more interesting.


Yep.  Road Trip is from Kasumi and Crystal's perspectives and deals a lot
with the kids, their friends / enemies at school, teachers, etc.


>    "I'm just glad you came out of all that okay.  I was very worried about
> you," Aoi said, shivering a little.
>
>    I noticed Crystal was now watching us very, very intently, the way
> Mikoto watches something she's stalking and is about to pounce on.
>
>
Exactly.  How interesting it would have been at this point if Chie had
> decided that Crystal
> just HAD to hear the story of how Mai arrived at school...



HEH.


>
>
>     "What exactly happened?" I asked Mikoto, who is now hugging Chie.
>>
>>    "We had to decide who would do the dishes," Mikoto said.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Great line.


Mai and her house of sword-maniacs!



>
>
>     "I need to talk to you in private," she said softly.
>>
>>    Without Chie...what was wrong?
>>  "I'm worried about this story Chie's working on," she said to me finally
>> as
>> she scrubbed her stomach.
>>
>>    "The Tallin Instititute was engaged in really dangerous experiments,
>> but
>> it had really big money behind it," Aoi said.  "I'm just afraid Chie's
>> going
>> to get herself in over her head."  She sighed.  "I hate to burden you with
>> this, but I just need to talk about it to someone who cares.  Without
>> having
>> another fight with Chie about it."  She sighed deeply.
>>
>>
> Huh.  Now, is this Aoi's real reason for bringing it up?  Or does she
> suspect Mai can actually
> do something about it?


That, as they say, would be telling.  :)


>
>
>     "Crystal, Shun, and a classmate of theirs are here, having gotten it
>> into their heads to sneak around the place and investigate.  Can you bring
>> Yuiichi-san or Mikoto-chan and haul them off?"
>>
>>
> Heh.  Trust the kids to do something like this.


If they had more time, they would have mobilized all of Science Ninja Kid
Team Rosewood! :)


>
>
>     Crystal mumbled, "Dan gets to go on adventures with his mom,
>> sometimes."
>>
>>    I rubbed my forehead.  "I'm not Midori and I don't take my children
>> near
>> hails of bullets."
>>
>>
> Dan MUST know more than the other kids, unless Midori has never, ever
> accidentally taken
> Dan near a power zone.  Maybe Dan hasn't seen Gakuten-O, but surely he's
> seen a long-
> handled axe suddenly appear in his Mom's hands?  Or maybe seen his Mom make
> an
> impossible leap?


We'll see some of what Dan knows in Road Trip.



>
>
>     "Hey, I didn't expect to see you stay, Mai," Chie said.
>>
>>
> Yes she did.  Or maybe she didn't, but now she's worried?
>

Remember, Mai already arranged for Akira and Natsuki to help and hadn't said
anything about coming, so Chie is surprised because she thought Mai just
came out to deal with the kids, rather than further reinforcing the
investigation.

>
>
>  trespassing."  His voice echoed like something else, something staticky
>> and
>> electrified was speaking in unison with him.
>>
>>
> I think that last sentence needs a second comma, after "electrified".


Fixed.


>
>     "Battle Princesses!", Wang suddenly hissed.  "The daughters of the
>> Crystal Princess!"
>>
>>    "What?" Chie said.  "You two have just gone crazy, haven't you."
>>
> No raised eyebrow and appraising look at Mai?
>

Yeah, definitely needs changing here.


>
>
>     "You can't have Natsuki!" Mikoto shouted at the giant...well, it looked
>> like a huge mostly blue mechanical robot that looked vaguely like a giant
>> pharoah.  Wearing a big red bib under his chin.  Okay, he's hard to
>> describe.
>>
>>    Several tiger-things jumped up and got hosed down with huge bullets by
>> the giant robot; the tiger-things caught fire and burned to death; Chie
>> looked rather frustrated by this and grumbled about guns.
>>
>>    It was pretty clear to me it was on our side and trying to protect
>> Natsuki.  "It's okay, Mikoto, it's on our side!"
>>
>>
> First time through, it took me until this point to realize that this is Big
> O.  The description
> didn't do it (but probably should have).
>

I agonized over this, trying to figure out how to describe him without going
into excruciating and possibly confusing detail.



>
>
>     The Robot turned and fled, flickering more as it left the shrinking
>> bubble.
>>
>>
> Nice decision about how to handle Big O.  I'd been wondering, ever since
> you introduced
> Roger Smith.


Heh.  The ending of Season 2 helped to inspire my use of him in this.


>
>
>     "Whoever was piloting that mech knows too," I said.
>>
>>
> True.  Most of Roger's questions about Natsuki's secret have been answered.
>

Yep.


>
>
>     "Maybe her love for Mr. Smith created a new Child!" Mikoto said,
>> suddenly perking up.
>>
>>
> "Maybe Mr. Smith is really a Hime, disguised as a man, just like Akira!"
> Mikoto said.
>
> "Right", I snorted.  "Maybe he's the first male Hime, too.  Fat chance."
>

HAHAH.

"I'm pretty sure he's not a woman," Natsuki said, though she looked rather
embarrassed about it.



    "Kasumi would never try to sneak into a place like that," I said.  "And
> Dan...unless he's a better cross-dresser even than Shun, it's only women,
> right?"  But we couldn't be sure of that either.
>
>
Bingo!  Chase that line of thought, Mai!  Who do you know who'd protect
> Natsuki?
>

Heh.


>
>
>     "Well, there's an easy way to tell if it's Chie's Child," Akira said.
>> "We'll have to ask Sister Yukariko, but I know her order tracks those
>> places
>> where magic works.  Check for the Hime mark.  Or possibly something else.
>> Certainly we know there are other things and people who sometimes weild
>> power besides us."
>>
>>
> Utena?  Haruhi?  (That Haruhi-Mai Hime crossover on your web page is
> hilarious, by the way; you should
> really continue that.)
>

Thanks.  I need to continue it one of these days.  I was very happy with my
portrayal of Haruhi in it.


>
>     "Mom, you're not off being a spy instead of a consultant when you're at
>> work, are you?" Crystal asked, sounding slightly hysterical.
>>
>>
> Heh.  That would make Crystal a Spy Kid.


Heh.


>
>
>  "Also, have you seen Natasha?  She's not answering her phone."
>>
>>    There was a brief silence.  "Wait, does that mean Natasha has the
>> mech???  How did Natasha get a mech?  Where is she keeping it????"
>>
>>
> That's quite a leap of logic for Crystal.  But Mai's reaction just confirms
> Crystal's guess.
>

Crystal is aware of Natasha's skills at getting in over her head on things
and is feeling kind of jumpy.


>
>
>     "I'm sure it's just one of Natasha's stupid plans," Shun said.  "Unless
>> that was her mech the people saw at the burning research facility I note
>> you
>> carefully haven't mentioned."
>>
>>
> Shun makes the same leap of logic.  But he has more reason at this point.


Yep./

>
>
>     Gin went down in about two seconds.  "C'mon man, bros before hos!"
>>
>>    I could hear the wind move and distantly crickets chirped.
>>
>>
> Another good line.
>

Hehe.


>
>
>  "It sounded totally cool.  And Kasumi agreed to stand watch in return for
>> me
>> giving her some help with self-defense stuff.  Since Aunt Miyu apparently
>> thinks the mafia will come for us at 18 or something."
>>
>>
> Miyu actually said 30.
>

Doh!



>
>
>     "Not the mafia," I said.
>>
>>    The kids all looked at me.
>>
>>    Aaargh!  Me and my mouth.
>>
>>
> Heh.


The shell is starting to crack :)


>
>
>     "So if the giant robot doesn't belong to Natasha...," Shun began.
>>
>>    "Wait, you came looking for me because you thought I had a combat
>> mech???" Natasha asked in confusion.
>>
>>    "What???" Kasumi asked.
>>
>>
> Heh.  The parents are totally blowing this.  All five kids are now
> convinced that the parents
> thought this preposterous proposition fairly likely.


Yeah,

>
>
>     "We didn't...I mean...we didn't go there to blow it up, just to collect
>> evidence for Chie's book," I mumbled.
>>
>>    "The kicking ass was just a bonus!  Mai-chan....," Mikoto began
>> excitedly,
>>
> Heh.  And now Mikoto confirms that there was fighting.  The kids certainly
> have a lot
> to speculate about now.
>

Exactly!


>
>
>     "You can call me Aunt Aoi-chan," Aoi said smiling now, and I felt a
>> little better.  I'd kept Chie safe, but I knew she had to be worrying
>> about
>> the future.
>>
>>    For a moment all the kids, and especially Crystal, gave Aoi a weird
>> look. Then Shun said, "And you too, Harada-san?"
>>
>>    "I'm your Aunt Chie now," Chie said softly.
>>
>>    Crystal's eyes narrowed a moment, she glanced at me, and then she
>> sighed
>> and relaxed.  "Okay, Aunt Chie-san."
>>
>>
> So their parents are willing to tell the big secret to their old college
> friends whom they don't see
> very often, and not to their own children.  That's the message the children
> take away.
>

Yep.  Not quite what the parents intended.

>
>
>     "They weren't having sex, just painting each other," I mumbled, now
>> scrubbing a plate vigorously and wondering what exactly Chie had done to
>> it
>> that made the food stick so much.
>>
>>
> More nice characterization of Mai.


Thanks!


>
>
>     She grumbled in French again.  "Maybe someone has duplicated the Sears
>> Foundation's research," she said hesitantly.  "After all, science is
>> something where you can repeat the results, right?"
>>
>>    "Yes," I told her.  "So you think this may be another artifical Hime?
>> Why would it protect Natsuki?"
>>
>>
> Heh.  They're dancing all around the truth without hitting it.  Of course,
> the answer is
> pretty obvious once you seriously entertain the possibility of a male Hime.
>

Yes.  But they have to make that leap and haven't yet.


>
>
>     I was surprised to see Roger Smith in the living room; he was talking
>> quietly to Natsuki on the couch.  "Hello, Mr. Smith."
>>
>>
> Heh.  But we're not surprised, except that it took him this long.
>

Trying to not be too obvious.


>
>
>     "I don't think it would be very good if it did succeed," Natsuki said.
>>
>>    "I don't know enough about physics to pass judgement on what they were
>> doing or how safe it was," he said.  "Or have you heard something from the
>> grapevine, Natsuki?"
>>
>>
> "Grapevine".  Right.  But at least this tells us what Roger came here to
> find out.


Yep.


>
>
>     "I heard they were trying to covertly restart the experiments and it
>> set
>> off the equipment," Natsuki said.  "But that's just a rumor of course."
>>
>>
> Heh.


Merely a flesh wound...rumor.


>
>     He nodded solemnly.  "I can't pretend I understand the physics of it,
>> but I do know finance.  With two disasters in a row, I fear they don't
>> have
>> a prayer, though of course, I'll do my best to help as that is what I am
>> being paid to do."
>>
>>
> SUURE you will ;)


Heh.


>
>
>     A few seconds of silence ensued.  "No, we're both fine; they just
>> decided they needed a little rest."
>>
>>    "Crystal worried about us?" Aoi asked, sounding a little surprised.
>>
>>
> No, just prying.  This absence must have been very suspicious to the kids.
>  And then finding
> out that, yes, your mothers are with Chie and Aoi, and are also skipping
> work?  Who knows
> what additional research facilities will be highlighted on tonight's news
> as having unexpectedly
> blown up?


Worried AND prying.


>
>
>  me.  That wasn't a pink cadillac, was it?  "Chie, can you call Sister
>> Yukariko or someone and see if they know what's going on?"
>>
>>
> Wrong thing to say in Crystal's hearing.


Man, I totally didn't think of that.  Though given Mai isn't holding the
phone, her voice might not register all that well with it by Mikoto's face.



>
>  survive this; I can fly, after all, I just have to remember the trick for
>> it....
>>
>>
> I'd have thought it was like riding a bicycle, but I guess not.


Go long enough without biking and you get a little wobbly at first when you
try again, as I've learned myself.


>
>
>   But I could see she was
>> about to be attacked from behind by the same creature which had knocked
>> her
>> down and now had circled behind her.
>>
>>    Please, if there's anything listening, I thought, give me the power to
>> save her and protect Aoi.  I'll do anything, anything at all.  PLEASE.
>> Please let me protect those I care about.
>>
>>    I felt a sudden burning over my left breast and instinctively, I held
>> out my camera phone and triggered the flash at the creature.
>>
> "Naru Osaka Syndrome":  the inability of a fanfic writer to refrain from
> powering up the
> main character's non-powered close friends.


Well, I did that with Naru in Sailor Moon Z, so guilty as charged :)


>
>
>
>     "The Crimson Huntsman, red in tooth and claw, is not very happy with
>> the
>> Hime and has declared vendetta on you."
>>
>>
> Nice name, very much in the Mai Hime style.


Yeah, I spent a long time on that.

>
>
>     She hesitated again, then continued.  "I just know that every form of
>> magic has its price.  It may be that you all have paid that price in full.
>> But Aoi and Chie haven't.  But they will.  That, even more than destiny,
>> is
>> inescapable."
>>
>>
> I guess Erica is dead meat?


That would be telling but she's certainly in a difficult position.


>
>
>     "No," Fumi said.  "Crystal hasn't tried breaking into the records room
>> since the last time I caught her."
>>
>>
> Heh.  We keep getting these little tidbits from other people about what
> Crystal is like,
> which we never get from her own thoughts.


Well, to oneself, one is perfectly normal :)


>
>
>     "This Crimson Lord, do you know anything of him?" I asked.
>>
>>
> It was "Huntsman", not "Lord", above.
>

I screwed up, basically.
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