[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] The Summer of Her Discontent--It Was a Beautiful Dream

[Bert Miller]

C&C on part 2.  Again, a very enjoyable read; I am still on the edge of 
my seat waiting to see what will happen to these characters.  Plus there 
are some substantial plot developments here.

After one read-through, my general sense is that this part had fewer 
bits with easy fixes than part 1, which is good, but that there are also 
a few bits which would benefit from not-so-easy additional work:  for 
instance, while I was impressed that you tried first-person POVs with 
some very difficult characters in this part, I don't think you were 
wholly successful with some of these.

As always, take what you find useful in my comments and ignore the rest.

John Biles wrote:
> Koyabishi-san and then Ota-san wanted to join us and the table was too small
> and we had to pull up another one and then I could see Iwao-san glaring at
> us from a distance, probably because his friends were all sitting with
> people he doesn't like.
>   
Heh.  Nice that the cousins' circle is opening up.
> looked good on her.  She's a really good girlfriend for Shun.  He needs
> someone to keep him in line and she's good at that.
>   
Early instance of Kasumi being judgmental.

>     "I wouldn't...I only have eyes for Shun...It's not that impressive a
> butt, anyway."
>   
This confused me; when did Kagami ever see Reito?  Reito missed the Road 
Trip, didn't he?  It seems like the referred-to butt is shifting back 
and forth from Reito to Chie or something here.

>     "So you are Houseki Gin," Uncle Reito said.  Aunt Alyssa was with him,
> wearing a business suit.  I wondered why she was following him around like a
> personal assistant.  And what everyone thought of a woman as tall as her.
> Tall for Japan, that is.  She's still a lot shorter than Uncle Reito, but
> she's taller even than Aunt Shizuru.
>   
In "Sword of the Lord", Nao reflected that Alyssa is "still pretty 
short, even as an adult".  However, I find I like the idea that she's 
tall; I remember thinking that particular detail odd in SOTL on first 
reading.  I can only suggest you revise that detail in SOTL (shrug).
 
>     "So how long have you and Natasha been going out?" Uncle Reito asked.
>
>     "Four weeks, six days, five hours, three minutes and twenty-two
> seconds," Aunt Alyssa said, making a note on her notepad.
>   
Heh.

> select me one, but I think it would be more interesting with someone I'd
> like to know better if you're going to be dating my dear little neice."
>   
(SP) You have multiple instances of misspelling "niece".

>     "You're not secretly her father who is going to kill me now, right?" Gin
> asked a little warily.
>
>     That's kind of paranoid, isn't it?
Yes, but Gin has pretty good reason.

>     "So what brings you here, Aunt Alyssa?" Crystal asked her.
>
>     "I have come to pass holy judgement on Natasha's boyfriend, since he
> didn't come to Fuuka," she said, looking up from the ground.
>   
Heh for the first part.  But even on second reading, I can't make heads 
nor tails of that last clause.  Why is Alyssa on the ground?

>     "Apparently, she's been showing a huge amount of improvement at track
> and someone got paranoid," Aoi said.  "Which could just be someone being
> resentful, or it could be a sign she's a Hime."
>   
Aoi is confusing two different issues.  Kasumi showing a huge increase 
in speed can not be due to "someone being resentful".  Suggest "she's 
being showing a huge amount of improvement at track, which her coach is 
at a loss to explain.  This could be a sign she's a Hime."

>     And when would she have been fighting monsters?  Unless it just
> appeared...but that doesn't seem to match us.
>   
"That doesn't seem to match us" bothers me a bit.  First, it could stand 
extra qualification; I had to read it a few times to decide what I think 
it means:  "match the way we first manifested our powers." 

Second, I'm not sure my interpretation matches the series:  Mai started 
to manifest before she saw any monsters; Nagi summoned the orphan to 
force Mai to finish manifesting, by acquiring her Child.  Kasumi running 
fast is just an indicator of beginning to manifest; it's not evidence 
that she has a Child.

Suggest being more general:  "And what could have prompted her to begin 
to manifest Hime powers?  She hasn't mentioned being near any real 
fighting, or in any danger."

> Gin's Tale:
>
>     I keep wondering if this is some kind of test by Natasha's family to see
> when exactly they can break me or if it's just a coincidence that every time
> I meet one of her family members they want to kill me.
>
>     It was pretty clear Alyssa was looking for any excuse to set me on
> fire.  I didn't even mention she was hot, which she is, or anything.  She
> just looked at me and knew I was thinking that, somehow.  Shouldn't people
> feel complimented by that?
>   
Heh.  No, not always.  I think your execution of Gin's POV was good and 
amusing.  He comes across as largely an asshole (though a curable one), 
but he probably should, given that most of your characters except 
Natasha think that's what he is.

>     Natasha's always happy when I tell her she's hot, anyway.
>
>     "Okay, here's the gardens where your neice Crystal and your nephew Shun
> and Shun's woman, Kagami, work every day.  Well some of the gardens," I said
>   
"and Shun's woman"?  Oh, boy, I wouldn't think much of this guy either.

>     "He lets you call him Kaiji?" Alyssa asked me as if accusing me of
> stabbing sensei in the heart and leaving him in the desert to die.
>
>     "Yes," I said.  Mainly 'cause he gave up trying to stop me after the
> fiftieth or so time.
>   
Yep.  I'd have a hard time tolerating this guy.  He's a hard case.

>     Reito studied the gardens.  "They seem to be doing a great job."
>
>     "Oh, I expect Kagami makes sure they do everything over and over until
> they get it right.  She's like that," I said.  "Here, come this way."
>   
Gin supposedly knows botany.  He should be able to tell that Kagami 
doesn't know when gardening is done right, and that Sakomizu-sensei 
does.  He's allowing his opinion of Kagami's judgemental nature to 
override his good sense here.  If referring to a teacher by his first 
name wasn't enough, now he's slighting that teacher's abilities as well.

Showing us Gin that knows his botany was very well done.

>     Alyssa had a weirdly sentimental look which seemed rather unnatural on
> her to me. Then she became more serious looking.  "I am a nun.  I am married
> to God.  Or at least, that's how it would be seen in Japan."
>
>     "Which god?" I asked.
>
>     She thrust a cross in my face which was hanging from a silver chain
> around her throat.  "THE God," she said firmly.
>
>     "This is a god?  I thought this was a European monk's staff," I told
> her.  I'm kind of vague on religion in general but especially Western ones.
> And I'm pretty sure she's from Europe or maybe the US.
>   
Heh.  Total ignorance of religion.  (Again with a "the US"; suggest 
"maybe America".)

>     Reito stepped between us.  "Most people in Japan do not understand your
> faith like I do, Alyssa."  
True, but Gin's level of ignorance strikes me as exceptional.  For 
instance:  the very first episode of Kamikaze Keito Jeanne pretty much 
presupposes that the viewer will understand the concept of "one God", 
but then ventures deeper into completely non-Western theology in trying 
to explain why the Devil's plan to infect paintings with evil poses a 
threat, not just to humanity, but even to God's own existence.  The 
logic used implies that the "one God" is part and parcel of the rest of 
creation, and as creation goes, so goes God.  And, of course, you're 
familiar with nuns hearing confession in "Mai Hime", and junior-high 
apprentice nuns, in habit yet, hearing confession in "Kaito Saint Tail": 
the surface is familiar, but the details are wrong.

So my expectation for "most Japanese" is that they'd easily get, or 
already know, superficial ideas like monotheism, but that there is still 
plenty of room for Reito to have a better understanding than "most".

Not sure that I'd change anything much:  Gin is very plausible in his 
unusual ignorance.  But Reito, at least, (but not necessarily Alyssa) 
should understand from Gin's confusion that he is unusually ignorant on 
the subject of religion.

>     It would help if her family wasn't gorgeous.  I feel like I wandered out
> of another universe sometimes, hanging out with them.  I don't think they
> even realize it most of the time.
>   
First time we've seen this detail, I think.  My own sense of the series 
was that we were supposed to take Akane, at least, as thinking of 
herself as somewhat plain (she needn't have been accurate), and probably 
Yukino as well.

>     "This boy is such a hopeless idiot!  I knew Natasha's standards were low
> but I didn't realize how low," Alyssa said.
>
>     I half-leaned around Reito.  "You take that back!  I won't just stand
> here while you insult my girlfriend!"
>   
Points for this, though.  Alyssa is insulting him much more, but he's 
angry as the insult to Natasha.

>     Dammit, I totally fucked this up.
>   
Honest with himself, and fairly quickly so too.  Again, points.

>     I wondered what had happened to them.  I know Natasha's family has some
> big secret the kids are trying to figure out which they think I don't know
> there is a secret or that they're after it.
Heh.

>   Which they discuss in their not
> as secret as they think meetings.
Double heh.

>   Which I'm pretty sure involved some
> pretty tragic shit going down at their parents' old school.  Given all the
> crazy shit Mandi and Sanae say happened when their moms were there.
>   
If the cousins ever find out how much Gin was able to learn, without 
particularly trying, they're going to feel very depressed.

> Alyssa's Story:
>   
We see Alyssa's judgmental side here, but don't get any instances of 
what other people have observed of her:  the tendency to start 
concentrating on pure thought exercises ("plotting a hostile takeover of 
the Benedictines").
 
>     The biology lab looked very well equipped; definitely the students were
> getting their money's worth, even if most of them clearly didn't enjoy
> dissecting frogs.
>   
Here, for instance, I would expect Alyssa to get a bit more concrete, 
perhaps noting a few specific instruments not common to high schools.

>     I did notice one of the girls was substantially faster than the others,
> even though she was rather tiny.  "Who is that?" I asked the coach.
>
>     "Ota Mandi," Gin said.  "Her mom went to Fuuka, I think."
>   
You told us in Part 1 that Hayao has an "odd birthmark", and that Mandi 
was surprisingly strong.  I'm beginning to think you're going somewhere 
with all this.

>     "Yes, sir," Ota-san said, now shifting posture from sloppy casual to
> formal.  Her vocal tone changed too.  "You would be Kanzaki Reito, who was
> president of the student council Mom's freshman year, correct?"
>   
I almost hate to mention this, given how often you repeat this, but:  
Reito was Vice-President of the Student Council.  Shizuru was the President.

>     "Do you know what Kiyohime was after at Fuuka? Really?" Ota-san asked,
> now very serious.
>   
Oh dear.

>     Kiyohime is the name everyone at Fuuka uses for the terrorists that all
> the events of the Summer of Fire got blamed on.  The bridge, the school
> takeover, the destruction of Primus Research and First District and so on.
> I'm not sure how it got started, but it spread quickly, and within a few
> months after it all, everyone 'knew' they were to blame.
Sounds like a survivor of First District has been passing on tales.

>     I suddenly wondered how much she knew.  People at Fuuka saw things, and
> these days they usually act like none of it happened, but her mother was
> there.  How many people saw the final battle and the destruction of the Hime
> star?  What did they think of it?
>   
All of this makes it seem like Ota Yayoi saw substantially more than 
Chie did, which I find odd.  And while it's not at all far-fetched to 
think that Yayoi herself might have been obsessed with all this in later 
years, I don't see why her daughter would be.  Too much obsession on the 
part of the mother would, I'd think, make the daughter pay less 
attention, not more, possibly to the point of being unable to bear 
hearing the name 'Fuuka'.  But if the mother isn't obsessed, where is 
Mandi's obsession with event predating her birth coming from?

Unless this ties in with my earlier speculation that you're going 
somewhere here...  If Mandi is obsessed because of some impact the Fuuka 
events had on Mandi, which she knows about... for instance being 
experimented upon, to develop human weapons for combatting 'Kiyohime'...

>     Ota-san looked rather embarrassed.  "I'm sorry," she mumbled.  "I
> just...When I was little, Mom once woke us all up in the middle of the
> night, convinced the house was on fire.  We all ended up out front before
> Dad woke up enough to realize nothing was wrong.  She'd just been dreaming
> about her dorm getting burned."
To me, this isn't adequate reason for her reaction, at least without 
additional explanation.

>     "A nun?  Good.  There was this fake nun running around here a while
> back, luring men into the woods with the promise of nookie and sicing bees
> on them and then claiming it was the 'wrath of God'.  I asked around Saint
> Mary's, but none of them knew anyone named 'Juliet'," Ota-san said.  "Do you
> know who this person is?"
>   
Heh.

>     "No, but I will make sure it's looked into," I said.  Nao, that really
> was a bit over the top, even for a manwhore like the one you were dealing
> with.
>   
Alyssa really isn't thinking here, to outright lie about knowing "who 
this person is".  And she's supposed
to be a thinker.

Also, I found the placement of "Nao" in that paragraph way too easy to 
skip over.  You may want to
consider rephrasing like this:  "..I said.  That really was a bit over 
the top, Nao, even for a manwhore..."
as it's important for the reader to catch that Alyssa is mentally 
addressing Nao.

>     "Wait, you talking about Crystal's aunt Nao?" Houseki-san said.  "I
> think she is the one who sent the bees after Hayao."
>
>     "YES," Ota-san said.  "I want to give that woman a piece of my mind."
>   
And now Mandi has good reason to never trust Alyssa again.

> was bandaged over some kind of lump.  "I didn't get this bruise falling off
> my HIGH HORSE," he said hotly.  "I got punched out trying to defend
> Natasha's honor."
>
>     "Trying," I said.  "And failing, I expect."
>
>     "That is ENOUGH, Alyssa," Reito said hotly, startling me.
>   
This certainly works; it touches on one of Reito's hot buttons:  whether 
one gets points for
trying and failing.

> Reito's Story:
>
> generaly enjoy her company.  Some time in which nothing was trying to kill
>   
(SP) two l's in "generally"
>     "They have some pretty good stuff these days," Houseki-san said.
A good point, one that hadn't occurred to me:  a couple of decades' 
progress in the reliability of birth-control technology.

>     "One of the smaller southern islands," she said.  "Something has been
> mutilating cattle.  Could be just a local feud, but there is a tagged site
> on the island."
>
>      Tagged sites are places where magic functions well enough for something
> to potentially break through.  Fortunately, such breakthroughs are rare,
> though growing more common.
This all kind of underlines what you've been saying consistently since 
SOTL:  these Magdalenes are part of a larger network, large enough to 
track ALL sites where magic works, even on small southern islands.  So 
one might expect that Alyssa and Yukariko might be sort-of connected to 
just about everybody in Japan with a clue about magic (at least, 
not-for-profit magic.  I wouldn't expect the Searrs Foundation and 
anyone like them to be confiding in the Magdalenes, though they might be 
mutually aware of each other.  And it remains possible, I'd think, that 
Miyu and/or Alyssa might have contacts left within Searrs).  At any 
rate, the Hime are certainly tuned into the terminology used by just 
about every long-term player in magic.

So the tidbits you give us below about Roger and Dorothy, in that 
context, are quite suggestive.  R&D have independent terminology of 
their own; where did it come from?

>     But I have my nakama.
I had to look this word up ("partner, companion, associate"), which 
suggests to me that you may want to define it for your readers:  "..have 
my nakama, my companions."

> with my life.  And they trust me.  The others...they like me, but they don't
> trust me.
>   
It's probably true that Mai doesn't, at least.  Mikoto almost certainly 
does.  Many of the others had no first-hand contact with possessed 
Reito.  Reito's beliefs don't have to match the truth, though.

>     I can't blame them.  No one trusts Shizuru but me, I think.  She and I
> understand each other.
Mai might trust Shizuru; she didn't see Shizuru's bad side.  Neither did 
Akane.

> Akane's Story:
>
>
>     "How can you be so sure?  Even if men can become Hime, there are five
> slots and six children.  Seven if we count Shinichiro."
>   
Eight if we count the K twins.

>     "I don't think he will be involved," I told her.
>
>     "Can we be sure?" Akira countered.  "Our generation ranged in age from
> whatever the hell Midori's real age was to 13.  Nine if you count Alyssa."
>   
Huh.  I always had the impression both Yukariko and Fumi were older than 
Midori, though now I'm not sure why I thought that of Yukariko.  I took 
Midori to be 24 in the series, time enough to have been in grad school 
and dropped out for a bit (admittedly, that would have to be kind of a 
minimum).  Midori always acts much younger than Fumi does.

> Alyssa's Tale:
>
>     I had hoped to dine elegantly tonight; instead, I'd eaten a sandwich and
> now I was rounding off my evening by lurking in trees waiting for cattle to
> be mutilated.  "So what happens if it's just a prankster or some kind of
> feud?"
>   
Alyssa is asking this question (as opposed to, say, Nao)?  Why doesn't 
she know the answer?

> getting distracted like the time I was so busy running a debate between
> Descartes and Voltaire in my head, I nearly got eaten.
>   
Heh.  Now that's more like it.

>     Someone tapped my shoulder.  I turned and didn't see anyone, but I saw
> something else.  A great serpent made of silvery flames.  It was coming my
> direction.  I leaped to my feet and pulled my can of mace, not knowing what
> else to do.  I couldn't see who had tapped my shoulder, but I could see the
> serpent coming closer, moving faster than I walk but slower than I run.
>   
Is "Kei" pulling a Nagi here, actually summoning the orphan as well as 
pointing the Hime-to-be at it?

> noticed it was significantly smaller than it had been as a serpent, maybe
> even a little smaller than it had been when it first shed its skin.  Maybe
> it was consuming its fuel, whatever that was.
>   
Strayed away from the magic zone it came from, mostly likely.

> angle and was closing with me fast.  Also, the back of my neck was starting
> to itch under my hair, which I found deeply annoying.
>   
Interesting... this is where her Hime mark appears a few paras down.

>     I had done all I could, but I was out of ideas and options.  But one.
> Kasumi's option.
As intended by "Kei"...

>     "As Chaos rises, the old rules fade; those with the will may forge their
> own Namcub and make their own destiny, may seize power with their own two
> hands," I said, quoting the Namcub of the Crystal Princess.  "Then I claim
> that power for myself!  This is the Namcub of Harada Erica!" I said loudly.
> "As it is spoken, so it shall be.  By the speaking of these words, the
> contract is sealed and the prophecy made. I will pay the price and take the
> risk of power, power to fight the coming of the Age of Chaos!  I will leave
> the shadows and step into the light!  I will act, and risk the consequences
> which may ensue when I stand against the tide instead of letting it drive me
> where it will!  I choose this freely and of my own will!"  Water suddenly
> exploded up around me in a pillar of expanding mist, shrouding everything
> around me.
>   
Pretty good extempore composition under pressure.  Does she feel she had 
help?

>     The silver flame lion roared in agony as the mist hit him, but the mist
> muffled the sounds, preventing them from carrying.
>   
"Shabon Spray!"

>     And then I felt a sudden burning sensation on the back of my neck, under
> my hair.  It was the mark of my Namcub, I sensed instinctively, of the
> contract I had made with the Silver Princess.
"Silver Princess"?  Doesn't she mean "Crystal Princess"?

>     The silver fire lion now tried to pounce on me with what was left of
> himself.  I blasted him at point blank with a miniature storm of howling
> rain and lightning, knocking him back on his ass.  He shrank even more.
>   
First time through, I felt a little disappointed with this scene, but 
this time through I can't imagine
why.  I quite enjoyed it.

> Interesting; I would expect circles of someone imprisoned in the Moon.
Does this mean the Crimson Huntsman is imprisoned in the moon?  News to me.

> Miyu's Story:
>
>     It was pretty clear what had happened.  Strong emotional release over
> and over had eroded the seal, eventually enabling something to break
> through.  In other words, too many people came here seeking a makeout spot
> and too much stray spiritual energy built up.  If you have ever wondered
> about entertainment in which the bad teenagers get eaten first, it is
> because the bad teenagers are more likely to release spiritual energy
> through loss of self-control, whereas those who are self-controlled, the
> 'good' teenagers, do not.  Emotional release is like dousing yourself in
> monster catnip.  Many monsters like to stalk their prey because prey driven
> into an emotional frenzy tastes better and releases more spiritual energy.
>   
This doesn't really sound like Miyu to me.  While it is grammatically 
punctilious, in the series Miyu is also given to over-precision in 
technical detail.  "It took us 11 minutes 17 seconds to determine what 
had happened.  The seal had been eroded due to too much strong human 
emotion, specifically teenage lust, being expressed within a 500 yard 
radius of the seal."

>     The other stood guard while the four of us performed the rite, which
> left us exhausted.  Even I was tired.
"left the other three nuns exhausted.  Even I suffered a temporary 
diminishment of energy."

>       At least for now, the children are safe. I think it is time to tell
> them everything. But for now, too many are reluctant to confess.
>   
Might be nice to get a sense of the current vote.  Mai wants to keep 
silent, we know, but who else does who actually would presume to vote (I 
auppose Shizuru would abstain)?  We've heard expressions towards telling 
from Nao, Natsuki, Mikoto, Midori, Akane, Akira, Alyssa, Yukariko, and 
Chie.  We don't know what Yukino thinks.  Is Mai calling this shot alone?

> Shun's Tale:
>
>     "Did they...now I wonder how much they told her," Crystal said,
> frowning.
>
>     "Well, she isn't Aunt Kagami now, so probably not everything," Natasha
> said.
>
>     My eyes crossed.
>   
Heh.  That would be funny.

Crystal should be rethinking her strategy now.  If the parents tell 
Kagami a lot because she's a Hime,
then these six just need to volunteer that Kasumi and Erica "are Battle 
Princesses now!  See the tattoos?"
and they'll learn all they want to know.

> Kasumi's Tale:
>
>     I hid up in a tree; Erica took cover behind some bushes; the
> vice-principal had shown up and was poking around, looking extremely
> unhappy.  She wore a blue bathrobe over blue and pink pajamas, but she was
> carrying a fencing foil in her right hand and looked ready to give someone a
> beating.  Not one of those safety weapons they use in competition but a
> real, old-style sword for stabbing people.
Hmm... pink hair, carries a fencing foil...even the pajamas colors 
match, I think.  Have we heard a name for the vice-principal?

>   Can you legally run around with
> one of those in public?  I wasn't sure.  But then, she is the law here.
>   
You can if you can make it disappear at will...

> attack on campus, we tell the parents, whatever the consequences.  Once is a
> coincidence, twice is a pattern."
>   
No, "Once is happenstance; twice is a coincidence; three times is enemy 
action."

>     "Yeah, and then there was a huge circle of fire in the lawn the next
> morning with Mikoto and Mai asleep in the middle of it and I thought Haruka
> was going to just beat Mai to death for that.  That's how I first saw your
> mother, Crystal, sitting in the mi..."  Aunt Chie looked like a kid caught
> with her hands in the cookie jar.  "Dammit."
>
>     We all started laughing which made her even more aggravated.  She rubbed
> her forehead.  "This is totally unnatural for me," she mumbled.
>   
Heh.

>     "The Vice-President of your school came and bitched at ours," Junko said
> to me on the phone later.  "I had freaky nightmares about people being
> buried alive and being chased by people's shadows, but other than that,
> everything is normal here."
>   
Possibly indicative.  Let's see... Kasumi, Kagami, and Erica are 
activated; presumably Natasha and Crystal will be.  We are still looking 
for one more NextGen Hime.  Though we seem to have a lot of candidates 
now.  But possibly Mandi and Sanae are disqualified for some 
yet-to-be-revealed reason.

>     There really wasn't very much fire damage; somehow, I'd expected more
> from the stories going around.  But it fell to US to fix it.
>
>     "Did my Mother really arrive at Fuuka in a ring of fire?" I asked
> Sakomizu-sensei, expecting him to deny it.
>
>     "Yes, she and Mikoto made quite a mess," he said.  "She never did tell
> anyone what happened to cause it all," he continued, then studied me
> curiously.
>   
Smart of him to tell the truth here, though he's already told them 
"nothing interesting happened" while
their parents were at school.  Clearly the kids are justified in 
thinking Sakomizu-sensei has some
odd ideas of what constitutes "interesting".

> Sakomizu-sensei glanced at her as she did this, silently, looking
> contemplative.
>
>     Kagami blinked at Sakomizu-sensei.  "Is something wrong, sensei?"
>
>     Sakomizu-sensei studied Kagami again, and seemed to be thinking about
> something.  "Yes, I knew them, though not very well.  It was a great
> tragedy.  I didn't know your mother actually survived it, as I never saw her
> again after everyone there died," he continued, sounding distant.
>
>     I kept my mouth shut.  I was extremely curious, but I could tell this
> was touchy enough I shouldn't throw myself on any mines and I could
> definitely sense something wasn't being said by Sakomizu-sensei.
>
>     He seemed a little disturbed the rest of the time, but I didn't say
> anything even though curiosity was eating at me like acid.  I had a feeling
> I'd get bitten, one way or another.
>   
All this must mean something, too.  I suspect Primus Research was 
conducting experiments
similar to the ones Searrs used to produce Alyssa.  Sakomizu sees Kagami 
displaying unexpected
strength, and is trying to decide if she, or her parents, were subjects.

> Roger's Rules:
>
>     "Someone has been hiring up former mech company engineers, who then
> 'vanish'.  But there are conflicting reports from US Robots to Shinohara
> Enterprises to Genom to Suzushiro Enterprises," he said.  "US Robots is
> engaged in a huge alliance with Shell Solar, Kurauchi Electronics, Morisato
> Motors, and some other companies, but it seems to be entirely on the up and
> up.  Unless they're going to power something covert with all those solar
> panels."
>   
Interesting.  The Hime have a lot of contacts, or potential contacts, in 
this group.  Genom seems
to be the only exception.  You've already done Quincy as a supernatural 
menace, however. :)

And if "Morisato Motors" is involved in the alliance, it can't possibly 
be up to anything underhanded.

>     Kurauchi Electronics.  Which is run by relatives of some of Natsuki's
> clan.  Which may or may not mean anything here.
>   
Is Roger just dropping the Suzushiro Enterprises lead?  He has much 
better potential information.

> a direct connection, as I don't think they would want to jeapordize the
>   
(SP) "jeopardize"


>     "But you want more training any way."
>   
"anyway" (one word)

> Shun's Tale:
>
>
> Kagami without worrying about it getting around.  Though if anyone was
> watching, they'd see us.  But I doubt anyone pays attention to us any more.
>   
Given Gin's statement, I wouldn't count on it.

>     Aunt Aoi and Aunt Chie now came out of the woods, dressed all in brown
> and green to blend in.  Sort of.  It was not a great camoflague job.
(SP) "camouflage"

> Kasumi's Tale:
>
>     I looked around.  Some of the other girls just looked scared of her.
> Some of them looked at me sympathetically but clearly were not going to get
> in the middle of this.  But many of them clearly thought she was right.  How
> else could I suddenly run so fast?  Having my own teammates suspect me
> hurt.  I didn't ask for this.  I just wanted a normal life.
>   
You accepted the price, explicitly, when you got the power.

> Roger's Rules:
>
>     The advantage of working in the same area for ten years is that you
> build up a network of contacts who can help you out when necessary.
>   
So Roger, Dorothy, and Norman came to Osaka from Paradigm City ten years 
ago, and have been here ever
since.  Is anyone going to indicate to us if Roger seems to be aging?

>     I felt a strange sensation at the bottom of my back as we went down into
> the water, the same one I'd felt around Tallin.  I glanced over at Dorothy;
> she nodded.  She'd felt it too.
Both feel the presence of a magic zone, and Roger feels it at a specific 
point on his body, as if he
has a tattoo or birthmark.

>     What caused that sensation, I don't know; both of us were perfectly
> normal in that region when we got home and had time to check it out.
>   
First time through, I couldn't parse that sentence correctly for the 
life of me.  This time, I can:  they
were both "perfectly normal" at the bottoms of their backs once they got 
home and had time to
examine each other's bodies.  But "region" can be taken to mean "the 
area around Tallin", so it can
be confusing.

> Dorothy does have a tattoo right there, but she's had it at least since we
>   
How can Dorothy have a tattoo?  Suggest "mark".

> note there.  Also, I think Natsuki would have commented if she ever saw
> anything odd there on my body.
Heh.  She certainly would have, but not necessarily to you.

> deep with a communications failure.  Dorothy had insisted on coming.
You seem to be deviating from the original series with respect to 
Dorothy's weight.  (I don't think
Dorothy COULD go diving in the original.)  Also, below, you have Shizuru 
and Natsuki putting
Roger and Dorothy to bed without any comment on her weight.

>   I was
> nervous about that, but a gentleman should always take a lady's request so
> long as it is honorable and polite.  Rule thirty five.
>   
Heh.

>     "Maybe," Captain Wang said.  "However, such a thing shouldn't have been
> functional if this area was acting up again, which seems likely, given the
> radio silence."
>   
Mechs not being functional is quite a bit beyond a radio dead zone.

>     "How long has this area been here?"
>
>     "First reports about twenty or so years ago, slowly growing more
> common," she said.  "Scientists can't figure it out, but we can find the
> edges and mark them.  Bastards moved the buoys."
>
>     "Are these zones common?"
>
>     "No, but they've become more common the last twenty years,
>   
I wonder if the Magdalenes know there are magic zones at sea.  They 
probably don't have them listed.

>     This area felt like the zone around Tallin.  I'm not sure what that was,
> but it wasn't anything good.  And may well have been basically a dimensional
> weakpoint.  Maybe even an actual hole.  The idea that more of them are
> appearing does not please me.
>   
Hmm.  Roger doesn't know what a magic zone is.  But Big O is clearly 
dependent on them.  So
how did Roger know to summon Big O at Tallin?  And how did he know what 
the ripple meant?

He knows the Tallin people were trying to create dimensional holes.  Is 
he simply echoing his
knowledge of what Tallin was up to, or is he using these terms from 
previous experiences?

>     "Is something wrong?" Aunt Akane asked Kagami, studying her curiously.
>
>     "There is nothing wrong at all and I have not done anything naughty at
> all and everything is fine," Kagami said urgently.
>   
She has it bad.

>     "Oh, hello, Nao, fancy finding you here listening at doors," Reito said
> in the hallway.
>   
Heh.

>     "Unfortunately, I am on bad terms with them and haven't talked to them
> in a long time.  They weren't pleased with my choice of a lifestyle," he
> said a little mournfully.
>   
Two sentences, all true but not connected the way the Hime are supposed 
to think.
(He hasn't talked to them in over ten years for reasons unconnected to 
his choice of a lifestyle.)


>     "You're very good at it," Dorothy said.  "Norman has supplied us with
> your wares for several times we had guests to good result."
>   
Suggest "..your wares on several occasions when we had guests, to good 
result."

>     I love spending time with the kids, but it was also wonderful to spend
> some time with some interesting, intelligent adults too.
"interesting, intelligent adults" performing tsukkomi-boke.  Parenthood 
has really degraded
Akane's standards.  :)

>     "This could have some connection to the appearance of a mysterious mech
> during the destruction of Tallin," Mr. Smith said.  "Matching no known
> model."
>
>     We suspect he's connected to that, but he doesn't seem to know about it,
> I thought.  But if he isn't, who was?
>   
You never gave us a scene where one of the Hime finally realized that 
Roger is an obvious suspect
if a male can be a Hime.  Last we saw, they were still speculating all 
around him.

> Natsuki's Tale:
>
>     The play was very enjoyable and we all had a good time.  I'd been afraid
> Shizuru and Roger would have another of their fights, but instead, they both
> seemed determined to outdo each other in GOOD manners.
First time we've heard that there've been ANY such fights, I think.
> Dorothy's Tale:
>
>     I have changed since Paradigm City.  I think some of my systems were
> upgraded.  I have fully functional senses of smell and taste now and my body
> no longer makes loud mechanical noises when I run or otherwise exert
> myself.  I think I am the most sophisticated robot in this entire world that
> I have seen, in terms of passing for human.
Guess she's hasn't met Miyu yet.

And the way Dorothy is saying "this entire world" implies she (and 
presumably Roger and Norman)
come from, or at least spent some time in, another.

>   Which is how I could run down
> that thief without giving myself away.
Heh.  "without giving myself away"?  Dorothy needs a reality check; if 
Natsuki thinks she was too fast,
so did a good bit of the crowd.

>     Today was more evidence Akane is one of the Augments.  Probably whenever
> she vanished at Fuuka, she was upgraded.  She seems sloppier about showing
> it off lately, though.
>   
Ah, new unique terminology!

>     Natsuki is an Augment and so is Tate-san and most likely Harada-san,
> even if it wasn't obvious. We're still trying to figure out which of them
> are Augments and which not.  I don't think Kazuya-san is, but I'm not so
> sure about Tate-san's husband or her live-in mistress.  I am not sure about
> Shizuru-san.
>   
The ones Dorothy and Roger should be sure of are Akane plus the ones who 
were using their
abilities at Tallin:  Mai and Natsuki and Akira and Mikoto.  I suppose 
it's just possible that they
didn't notice Akira, but they certainly should have noticed Mikoto.

>     This time, I clumsily embraced her, trying to silence the whirling
> thoughts in my head.  For some reason, in addition to roughly 3000
> inappropriate impulses, I could also hear the Namcub whispering itself in my
> head.
>   
Now that's odd.  No idea what it could mean, unless it means that Sanae 
is (one of several, probably)
potential next-gen Himes.

>     "We should put them to bed," Natsuki said, so with Norman's help, we
> hauled them off to their beds, then went back to the veranda.
>   
In Dorothy's own series, they could not possibly have done that without 
noticing Dorothy's weight.
So I suppose here Dorothy's weight must be close to what it should be 
for a human.

>     "I think Dorothy must be one of us," Natsuki said.  "Or something like
> it."
>
>     "She could be like Miyu," I pointed out.
Hmm, very good guess.  But then, even Mikoto noticed that Dorothy 
reminded her of Miyu back
in LAFUTF.  Might want to have Shizuru supply a reason like that:  
"..pointed out.  "She kind of reminds
me of Miyu."  "

>   "But she's definitely not
> normal.  I hope Akane's renewed Hime status isn't making trouble between her
> and Kazuya."
>   
Akane has to pay some price for having powers everywhere.  And I doubt 
quitting the track team is
the only one Kasumi'll have to pay.

>     "Well, he was right.  The man might have had a gun, though I expect she
> could have handled it," I said.  "Most men can't handle their wives being
> tougher than they are, too."
>
>     "He's not that kind of guy," Natsuki said.
True, based on what we see of Kazuya in the series.

>   "But I'm sure he does feel
> frustrated he can't do more."  She sighed.  "I suspect if Roger does find
> out about my powers he's more likely to ask me to hit people for him than
> feel any angst over it."
Heh.  True also.

>   She laughed, and I smiled.  Her smiling face is
> best.
>
>     "He doesn't need a gun when he has Dorothy," I said.
Not to mention the giant mech.

>     I didn't expect to like Roger, but he has enough of Natsuki in him to
> make him easy to tease.  They both want so hard to be dignified, but it's so
> easy to yank their chains and embarrass them.  Neither Dorothy nor I can
> resist.
>   
Heh.  How observant of Shizuru.

>     I know Dorothy has had boyfriends, but not very many.  All apparently
> short, but highly passionate affairs.  I have to admit she intrigues me with
> her wit and her intellect.
>   
Now this could bear some explication.


As always, I enjoyed it quite a bit.  Looking forward to Part 3.