[FFML] [FanFic][Ranma 1/2] The Memory of Silver and Saphire.

[Abdiel]

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On Wed, Sep 3, 2008 at 11:31 AM, Jeremy Harper <DorianVal at aol.com> wrote:
> The Memory of Silver and Sapphire

(stretches) I'm posting this to the list at hand, because I believe Mister Harper's fic has cliches that has been endemic of many newbie Ranma fanfics  submitted nowadays. Not to say that this isn't a good fic or I disagree with the person who said this was an excellent story, but it does have several 'off' things sticking out that I feel compelled to share... IMHO, that is.

> Ranma Saotome laid alone in his  room, his father having gone out with Soun
> Tendo to visit a local sake bar,  giving Ranma a rare period of solitude. He
> reclined on his futon, his left arm  pillowing his head. In his right hand he

Suggest: hand he --> hand, he (missing comma; methinks adding a comma
there adheres more to the natural cadence of speech)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

> held a small, foil-wrapped chocolate  heart – the object of his contemplation. A
> happy, somewhat wistful half-smile  crooked his mouth, and his azure eyes
> gleamed with pleasure. Akane had given him  chocolate for Valentine's Day. Just
> one piece, true, and presented somewhat  grudgingly, but the fact remain she
> had given it.

Huh. Is he sure it's not just 'duty' chocolate? Or is that the secret
plot twist of this story? :P

> _She cares,_ he thought happily,  tossing the heart up in the air and deftly
> catching it.

This is... rather sappy of Ranma. Not sappy enough to label Ranma as
OOC, but sappy enough for me to comment on it. I hope it doesn't
worsen, or at least I hope I can view the remainder of this fic as
crowning moments of heartwarming. Here's hoping.

Silly that he needed a  piece of candy to confirm the evidence of
> her feelings presented by his memories  – all the times she had tried her
> best to help him when he needed it; the quiet  moments of friendship and
> camaraderie they shared, moments which occurred far  more often then most of the
> residents of Nerima realized;

...Or more often than most of the FFML community realized. ;)

fuzzy impressions,  like the dreams of a dream, of
> her taking care of him while he was in the throes  of the Cat Fist; The way she

Revise: Fist; The --> Fist; the (capitalization error and punctuation error)

> hugged him when he returned from his victory over  the deadly, dragon-blooded
> Herb; how the two of them held hands almost the  entire trip home from
> Ryugunzawa. Yes, no need for a small chocolate to prove  her feelings; yet still, the
> fact that he had it made Ranma giddy.
>
> _She cares…_ he thought again,  basking in the warmth of his euphoria, his
> half-smile becoming a full-fledged  grin, when a notion struck him.

Reading through this and reading your little footnote afterwards gives
me the feeling that the Ranma here is acting more like an avatar for
you and your experiences than, say, his experiences. That's the
impression he gives me, I'm just noting. His repeated claims of
giddiness was my first clue.

He sat up,
> frowning thoughtfully. _But does she  know that I care, too?_ He asked himself.

Revise: too?_ He asked --> too?_ he asked himself. (speech indicator error)

Grammar Rule #83: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything
the character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the
'speaker' (hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's
dialogue with a period instead of an exclamation point or a question
mark, please replace the period with a comma. If there's no speech
indicator in the following statement after the dialogue, then the
following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing to do with
the dialogue.

That is, "I'll say something," Kasumi said. "Now see me say lots of
things, but this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form to show
that my dialogue and 'she added' are not two separate sentences but
one continuous sentence," she added. "Oops, I think I made a run-on
sentence!" She giggled.

> chocolates would be enough, but that felt  inadequate. Akane was… Akane… His
> memories of her replayed through his mind as  he looked at her little
> chocolate heart, and he nodded to himself, knowing that  she deserved something more
> special than mere candy.

Ugh. Ranma's acting more like Youta "Dateless" Moteuchi or Ichitaka
"I''s" Seto here. I'm sorry if I'm coming off rude, but Ranma's coming
off really goofy and uncharacteristic to me at this point of this fic.

He lay back down, thankful  he had a month's time to
> find a good gift – he would need it, for he wanted to  be careful and not mess
> this up. Ranma un-wrapped

Revise: un-wrapped --> unwrapped (unwrapped is actually
dictionary-verifiable, so there's no need for the comma)

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

the chocolate and began to eat  it, not wolfing
> down, instead taking small, slow bites, savoring its sweetness  and smiling as he
> thought of his fiancée.

It may just be me, but I pegged Ranma to be a lot less... y'know...
sappy about this. Yes, it's cliche for him to go, "It's not that I'm
actually thinking of that tomboy like that or anything, but it was
nice of her to do this," and instead be compelled by his 'giri' to do
something nice for Akane, then have flashbacks about Akane's niceness
_without noting each and every opportunity how giddy he was_, and not
realize that he was smiling all that time. Because if there's anything
I've never seen in canon that I've constantly seen in fanfiction, it's
a lovesick Ranma. That's Ryoga's shtick.

...Yeah, I'm also aware of that infamous Christmas episode (Episode 105, "A Christmas without Ranma,) which has Akane worrying and looking for Ranma after he told her to go on ahead without him while they were shopping. A little while later, she learns that he had been shopping gifts for her, which made her very happy. In the context of Ranma's actions (at least in anime continuity), what he does is believable. It's his "Oh, I'm so giddy! Look at me, I'm giddy! Because Akane gave me chocolate! Lalalala!" _internal monologue_ about Akane that I have problems with.

>  The last difficulty he faced was picking an appropriate color. The  ruby
> looked great, but he was reluctant to get it because of what red  represented. He

O_O

Ranma is buying Akane _jewelry_ in exchange for a piece of chocolate?

Let me repeat... _Ranma_ is buying Akane _jewelry_ in exchange for a
piece of chocolate?

Y'know, there's WAFF, then there's... this. It's hard for fanfic to
pluck into one's heartstrings when the characters you're reading
aren't acting like themselves.

> cared deeply for Akane, and sometimes in the wolf hours of the  night could
> confess to himself what those feelings actually were, but he was not  ready to
> declare it openly, even in an indirect, symbolic way. The topaz was  equally

Jewelry for a woman is _indirect_? My goodness, this is Ranma Saotome
we're talking about, right? Son of Genma Saotome?
"Not-Tatewaki-Kuno-rich" Saotome? "He with the many fiancees" Saotome?
Any piece of jewelry from him (which he probably couldn't afford)
given to any girl would be very, _very_ symbolic, and in no way
indirect.

> possessing a deep, hypnotic blue hue. When the store clerk handed it to Ranma to
> examine, it felt _right_ to him. "I'll take it," he declared as he passed it
> back.

Yeah. Real subtle, Saotome. Real subtle.

>  The gift bagged and tucked safely away in his pocket, Ranma headed  home,
> whistling happily. He detoured briefly at a candy shop for some white
> chocolates. Now that he found the right gift for Akane he remembered the  chocolate

Revise: Akane he --> Akane, he (missing comma)

>  Some trouble started when Ranma got home, its prelude instigated by  his
> father. Genma glanced up from the shogi board to look at his son, and asked:  "
> What have you got there, boy?" Soun, whose eyes were sharper than his friend's,

Weird formatting; the first quotation mark should be with the
dialogue, not separate from the dialogue (i.e., the quotation mark
before the "What have you got there, boy?" line).

>  recognized the package Ranma carried. "I'm proud of you, Ranma, getting
> Akane  White Day chocolate without having to be prodded. I'm sure she'll love it!
> "

Weird formatting: The quotation mark after "I'm sure she'll love it!"
should not be in a separate line. I suggest getting a different word
wrapper or to manually word-wrap your text with Notepad if you're
using XP. Otherwise, there are lots of other word-wrapping tools on
the web you can try out. Just google it.

>  Ranma glared at the two men, feeling nettled and a bit stupid. He  should
> have expected such a reception, and tried to have dodged it by coming in  the

to have dodged --> to dodge

Grammar Rule #4: It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

I know, I know... It's not _really_ wrong to split an infinitive, but
I'm guessing this rule is stuck here because a split infinitive
really, _really_ reads awkwardly. At least, IMO it does.

> back entrance. "This ain't for Akane," he snapped. "It's for a sick little
> girl I met down at the hospital. I got back her stuffed rabbit when it fell out
> her window and she gave me a chocolate heart on Valentine's to thank me.
> Thought  it'd be right to get her this white fudge to thank her back."

Ah. Yeah, I remember that volume. I had a suspicion you were basing
this fic on that particular story, despite my contentions over your
portrayal of Ranma's inner psyche.

>  "Feh, like I'd want to give that tomboy just something like white
> chocolate," Ranma snorted back.

Hmmm.

So Ranma is still acting like Ranma on the outside, but on the inside,
he's a bigger and more annoying softy than Ryoga?

(blinks) I'm not sure if I completely like this development. It
certainly is unique, though, as far as the Ranma fics I've so far read
are concerned. But I'm sure I like it.

>  "Like I'd _want_ white chocolate from a jerk like you!" Akane shouted  as
> she stormed out of the kitchen, where she had been getting out dishes for
> Kasumi, to confront him. The following exchange of invective Ranma found  amusing,
> and he was impressed by Akane's verbal inventiveness. He could have  done

...For example, the way Ranma reacted to Akane's 'verbal
inventiveness' just now. Granted, in the anime and the manga, Ranma is
rarely introspective except those times when he 1.) lost his strength,
2.) thought Akane turned into a duck, 3.) thought Akane died, and 4.)
was angsting over Nodoka. As such, I don't exactly see any canon
precedent that Ranma would view Akane's insults and behavior as
'refreshing' and 'precocious'.

Granted, it would kind of explain why Ranma is so tolerant of
Akane's... intolerance of him, but this isn't the Ranma I've read
about or watched on TV. Very different animal, this Ranma.

> without her chasing him around the yard with her mallet, but at least it  was
> good training for both of them.

Ugh. This sort of scenario is more believable in anime like, say the
Nabiki-look-alike and her husband with glasses in All-Purpose Cultural
Something-Something Cat Nuku-Nuku (No, I'm not that old, I've borrowed
that anime while having a 'vintage' anime binge). They had a precedent
in enjoying their arguments in canon, so a fanfic portraying them as
such won't stick out like a sore thumb. In regards to Ranma and Akane,
the manga develops their relationship such that they begin to relate
to each other more than just arguing. So no, I don't think Ranma views
arguing with Akane as his favorite pastime (then again, I don't think
Ranma views arguing with Akane as intolerable either, but that's
neither here nor there).

>  The real trouble happened when Kasumi broke up their game of mallet  tag by
> asking them to get ready for dinner. Akane huffed, pointedly turning her  back
> to him as she stomped off to help Kasumi set the table. Ranma blew a
> raspberry at her and sauntered away to stow his purchases and wash up. He
> encountered Nabiki lying in wait in the hall; she was leaning against the wall,  arms
> folded beneath her breasts.

Male gaze FTW?

>  "_You_ said, and I quote, 'like I'd want to give that tomboy _just_
> something like white chocolate'." She put a slender finger to the side of her  chin
> thoughtfully. "So I can't help but wonder, if you don't want to give my
> little sister _just_ white chocolate, what exactly are you planning to get for
> her?" She looked down slyly at the candy shop bag in Ranma's hand, then up
> directly into his eyes, her smile cunning and superior.

I like your portrayal of Nabiki here. A lot more canon than Ranma's
introspective self, even.

>  The next two days dragged, even though thankfully Nabiki seemed  content
> with only taking sly digs at him in Akane's presence. The two old men  behaved
> with surprising restraint as well, making but a token effort to get him  to take
> Akane out on a date for White Day, which resulted in only a minimal  amount
> of shouting and violence. As a precaution against discovery Ranma kept  Akane's

Revise: discovery Ranma --> discovery, Ranma

> gift in his pocket at all times, while the little foil-wrapped white
> chocolate heart he hid rolled up in a pair of clean socks. He mailed the little  girl'
> s white fudge the day before White Day, then late that night, with the
> entire house quiet around him, he snuck out of his room with infinite care,  crept
> into Akane's, silently placed her gift and then returned to his futon, all
> without anyone seeing or hearing him. It was difficult for him to fall asleep –
> he wanted it to be tomorrow, so to know Akane's reaction to his gift. He

Suggest: so to know --> in order to know (awkward phrasing; suggest revision)

> hoped  his instinct was correct and that his gift would please her, and wondered
> where  his decision to give it to her would lead the two of them. After much
> tossing  and turning, and many pensive, wistful sighs, Ranma finally drifted
> reluctantly  asleep.

...You know that section in Snopes.com? Glurge? The term is specific
to Snopes.com, coined in 1998. Already in its short lifespan it has
reached across the Internet and has appeared in the print media a
number of times, and it may well soon make the final breakthrough by
appearing in dictionaries as a bona fide entry.

The word was invented by Patricia Chapin, a member of the urban
legends discussion mailing list run in conjunction with the site. At a
loss for words to describe the retching sensation this then-unnamed
category of stories subjected her to, she fashioned a word that
simultaneously named the genre and described its effect.

So yeah, that's what Ranma's inward actions are reminding me of.
Glurge. -_- Of course, judging by the feedback on your fic, your
mileage may vary.

>  She stared at the gifts for a minute, her heart beating with quick
> excitement, not quite believing they were real. She reached out for them, her  hand
> hesitating a moment over the jewelry box before taking the envelope. In it  was
> a plain white card, on which was written:
>
>         Akane,
>
> Happy White Day.
>
>        Ranma.
>
> Akane smiled, her brown eyes bright and shining. _He remembered! He  actually
> remembered!_ She hugged the card to her breast and then turned her  attention

...Of course, seeing that the manga actually _showed_ Akane's inner
self, then I find her reaction slightly more believable than Ranma.

Also, I'm sensing that this fic has an inordinate fixation with
breasts. Or I do. (ponders) It has been mentioned a lot.

> She clasped the  pendant around her neck and bounded up to her mirror to admire
> it. Watching it  gleam and shimmer in the early morning light, she felt an
> almost overwhelming  urge to find Ranma and give him a glomp that would put an
> Amazon's to shame.  Somehow she managed to wrestle it down, knowing doing that
> in front of the  family would cause Ranma and her problems she did not want to
> deal with – not  today.

Suggest: Somehow she managed to wrestle it down, knowing doing that in
front of the  family would cause Ranma and her problems she did not
want to --> Somehow, she managed to wrestle it down, knowing that
doing that in front of her family would cause (missing comma, missing
'that')

She walked back to her bed, taking off the pendant and
> returning it to  its box, then hiding it under her pillow, confident it would
> be safe until she  returned from her jog. Ranma's card she slipped into her
> diary, then she started  changing out of her pajamas and into her jogging
> outfit, occasionally shivering  from the joy flowing through her body.
>

Suggest: Ranma's card she slipped into --> As for Ranma's card, she
slipped it into/She then slipped Ranma's card into (awkward phrasing,
suggest revision)

 She cut her run a little short, wanting to get cleaned up and ready  before
> the rest of the household was up and about. She got back just as Ranma  and
> his father started their morning sparring session, and hustled herself into  the
> house before her fiancé spotted her. She quickly bathed and returned to her
> bedroom to dress for school, taking especial care of her appearance that

Revise: especial --> special (seriously)

> morning. The last thing she donned was Ranma's pendant, after which she looked
> again in the mirror to admire its simple beauty, amazed that Ranma gave it to
> her. _He cares!_ She thought triumphantly, the happiness of knowing that
> causing  her to wrap her arms around herself and bounce on her toes, trying not to
> squeal  in girlish delight.

Okay, what I said about Akane's reaction having canon precedent?
That's not an excuse to Flanderize her. Take it easy, fic.

>  Akane found Ranma alone in the living room, looking out the open  engawa
> doors, chin cupped in his left hand, his right hand rapidly tapping the  table.
> He became aware of her presence, his pigtail stiffening in reaction.

Narrative: ...If you know what I mean. (winks)

He  looked
> at her, and she favored him with one of the brightest smiles he had ever
> seen. Still smiling, she tilted her head a little, slightly stretching her neck,
> and Ranma saw a brief flash of silver. His breath caught, his eyes widened,
> and  he smiled back at her, his face growing hot and flushed. His feelings
> threatening to overwhelm him, he ducked his head shyly as Akane joined him at
> the table.

I like the subtlety of this scene. That is, I _would_ have liked the
subtlety of the scene had Ranma not acted like... like... he were a
lovesick Ryoga. What I would suggest is get rid of the last sentence
and have him simply avoid Akane's happy smile with a blush on his
cheeks for maximum WAFF minus the glurge.

> By the time the rest of the family gathered for breakfast the two

Revise: breakfast, the two (separate the nonessential clause from the
essential one)

> teens had managed to bring themselves under control, though everyone noticed
> they seemed a bit restless. But only Nabiki noticed that Akane was sitting much
> closer to Ranma than she usually did. The middle Tendo daughter concealed her
>  smile behind her coffee cup, deciding that today had the potential to be
> both  exciting and profitable – her favorite combination.

Awww. If only there had been more WAFF than glurge before, I'd
appreciate this moment more. (uses selective memory to erase the OOC
Ranma and the slightly overreacting Akane, enjoys the subtle body
language between the two lovebirds) ^_^

>  After breakfast Ranma and Akane headed out for Furinken High in their  usual

Revise: After breakfast, Ranma and Akane

Also: Furinken --> Furinkan (wrong/unofficial romanization; please revise)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

> fashion, Ranma balancing on the nearest fence, Akane down in the street.
> What was unusual was that neither of them spoke a word to the other. Ordinarily
> they chatted with each other as they made their way to and from school, but
> today they were silent, looking anywhere but at each other and wrestling
> pleasurably with the feelings they were experiencing.

^_^ A KOTF's dream come true.

> Halfway to school Akane

Revise: Halfway to school, Akane

>  Ranma blushed hard, feeling suddenly light-headed. He dropped lightly  down

Revise: light-headed --> lightheaded (dictionary-verifiable
word/d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)

>  "I'm glad." Ranma looked up, showing his fiancée a bright smile of  his own
> that made her knees feel weak and her heart skip faster. "I loved  looking
> for it for you," he whispered, "and I loved giving it to you…" Now it  was

I was buying this until the third 'I loved'. Man, is Ranma sappy here.
As you should know, Ranma, some things are best left unsaid... and
when it comes to matters of the heart, you usually leave things
unsaid. In the anime (and I paraphrase)...

Ranma (Nihao, my Concubine, as Akane and Ranma are about to fall into
a magical spring that can cure Ranma's curse): No way, Akane. I have
to blow up the spring!

Akane: No, Ranma! You could be cured!

Ranma: I have to blow it up. Because the way that you are... (trails
off, blows up the spring)

In the manga... well, in the manga, it took Akane nearly dying of
dehydration before he was willing to confess to her that he loved her.
Believe me, _this_ dialogue they're having right now is a stretch...
which is such a shame, because if you cut away all the sappiness, this
is quite the genuinely touching and heartwarming story. Granted, I
would have imagined other circumstances to push Ranma to give Akane a
jewel (and, given his history, he might as well _accidentally_ given
it to Akane then couldn't have the heart to admit that it was an
accident after seeing Akane's subsequent reaction), but otherwise, I
like the WAFF. It's the sappiness and OOC Ranma I can't stand.

Point is, it'll take more than a small Valentine chocolate to make
Ranma to admit his feelings like this. More to the point, I would have
expected him to claim 'giri/duty' in giving Akane the (shudder)
jewelry whilst blushing all the while.

>  They slowed down two blocks before the school gates, moving at a  trot, when
> they heard behind them the ring of a delivery bell, high pitched  laughter,

Revise: high pitched --> high-pitched (compound descriptors should be
hyphenated)

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

>  "Aw Hell," Ranma had time to grit out before he was tackled by a
> passionate Amazon, a cute and perky okonomiyaki chef, and aristocratically  beautiful
> but rather crazed gymnast. A dust cloud kicked up, obscuring most of  the
> action, and over the sounds of the fray Ranma's voice cried out in strident
> protest. "Will the three of ya lay off? I didn't take your chocolate, and I got
> nothing for you!"
>
>  "Oh ho ho ho ho! You're so shy, Ranma-sama. Come, let me indulge in  the
> white sweetness of your love!"

It's such a shame that you threw in the fiancee brigade as cardboard
props, but oh well. I guess they're not the point of the story. That
last line was a bit wince worthy, though.

>  "Okay, that was just _so_ wrong on so many levels," Akane overheard
> Hiroshi comment to Daisuke as they skirted the conflict. Akane shook her head.  "I'
> ll see you inside, Ranma," she called out, running towards the school. A
> faint blush colored her cheeks and she was smiling, a hand on her breast,  feeling
> the little silver and sapphire heart that rested there.

Heh. And she's got to be feeling a bit smug over being able to get
that jewel in the first place, too.

>  Ranma staggered into the school five minutes later, bruised, battered  and
> cursing. "I really, _really_ hate my life, sometimes," he growled as he got
> his school shoes out and tossed his street shoes into his cubby. Then he
> noticed  Akane waiting by her own cubby, again favoring him with her beautiful
> smile,  tilting her head so he saw a flash of silver at her neck. He could not help
> but  smile back. _Then again_, he thought, _maybe my life ain't so bad, after
>  all…_

Ranma: Aw, help me! I'm being chased by beautiful women and, after
buying a little trinket for my official fiancee, I now get to have
cake and eat it too! Oh, woe is me!

Yeah, Saotome. Cry me a river.

> The school day progressed and the students of Furinken High  School were so

Revise: Furinken --> Furinkan

> on air. Lunch period finally arrived, and it being an unseasonably  warm day
> for March many of the students decided to eat outside. Beneath one tree  Akane

Revise: March many --> March, many (missing comma)

> sat with her friends Yuka and Sayuri, while under another tree Ranma ate  with
> Hiroshi and Daisuke.

Revise: tree Ranma --> tree, Ranma

>  "Panties?" Sayuri asked with a giggle, an amused light dancing in her
> eyes.
>
>  "It's not funny, Sayuri," Yuka pouted. "I can't believe Hiroshi got  me
> those. It was mortifying… if anyone had seen them, I would have died."

That's... man. Even those 'friends' of Kyosuke Kasuga weren't so
deprived to give Kasuga's sisters panties as gifts. That's obviously
inappropriate, and I'm surprise Yuka didn't wallop Hiroshi.

>  "Well, they _are_ a traditional gift."

O_o Those people who gave you advice on White Day, giri, and
Valentine's Chocolate customs in Japan may have watched the wrong
anime while doing their research. That's only a traditional gift for
Happosai, really.

>  "I don't think it's so much what he was thinking as what he was  thinking
> _with_," Sayuri answered slyly. Yuka blushed bright crimson and  suddenly found
> her bento extraordinarily interesting. Laughing good-naturedly,  Sayuri

What an odd way for Sayuri to laugh, especially considering how ribald
her joke was.

>  Akane nodded. "Just a little heart, along with –" Akane cut herself  off
> and looked around carefully, as her friends waited with breathless
> anticipation. Akane was not certain that this was a good idea, but she was  almost
> bursting with the need to tell _someone_ about Ranma's gift, and Yuka and  Sayuri
> were two of her oldest, dearest friends.

Pffft. Women. At least Madoka Ayukawa from KOR had enough sense to
keep a secret. Sure, she suffers from roughly the same emotion issues
as Akane (minus the slapstick), but at least she has enough sense when
to keep her mouth shut.

Kyosuke Kasuga, on the other hand, is so many levels of lame, fail,
and stupid that he makes Keitaro Urashima and your portrayal of Ranma
in this fic look like veritable Casanovas.

> If she could trust anyone it was  these

Revise: If she could trust anyone, it was these (missing comma)

Huh. Sure, the Furinkan rumor mill is fanon, but it's not as if it
suddenly came out of nowhere. When it comes to Ranma and Akane's
closeted relationship, people have ears to lend and lips to whisper
with.

>  "Ranma got you _that_?" Sayuri whispered, not quite able to believe  what
> she was seeing.

You're not alone, sister. 9_9

Ranma getting Akane some white chocolate was improbable
> enough, but him getting his fiancée such a pretty piece of jewelry?

Only in fanfics, folks. ^_~

>  Akane nodded again as she tucked the pendant back beneath her blouse,  again
> feeling the elation and euphoria Ranma's gift invoked in her. It had  become

Repetition of again: Please delete (i.e., Akane nodded as she tucked
the pendant beneath her blouse, again feeling...)

Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than
necessary; it's highly superfluous and can be excessive

> familiar, but the intensity of it still remained almost intoxicating.  Happy
> tears brimmed in her eyes. "He cares… he really does care!" she whispered
> fiercely.

You're getting repetitive, fic. Watch out for that. Focus on other
things than Akane's euphoria, since the reader already gets it from
the blushes and smiles. No need to state the obvious some more.

>  "Yeah," Yuka agreed. Suddenly she shook her head. "You're really  lucky,

Revise: Suddenly she --> Suddenly, she (missing comma)

>  "I really thought she'd like them," Hiroshi moaned inconsolably. The  look
> Daisuke gave him was without sympathy.

Well, at least Daisuke has enough sense to hate them.

>  "You're a moron," he told Hiroshi bluntly. "You've got to be the  thickest
> guy in school. _Kuno_ couldn't have pulled a bigger blunder with a  month of
> prep time and a mission statement."

Kuno's actually a straight-up guy during dates... or so Wishbringer revealed.

>  "But they're traditional!" Hiroshi whined. "And they're a really nice
> pair."

Happosai: (nods sagely)

> Akane a gentle, somewhat smug smile played across his lips. Daisuke arched an
>  eyebrow and a flash of satori made him grin. "So Ranma," he began

A... flash... of 'satori'? Are you serious? Talk about your gratuitous
Japanese. Yeah, you've obviously target a very specific audience for
this fic. But this is too much! Is a flash of enlightenment too much
to type?

> innocently,  deciding to test the validity of his insight. "Since you're not in a full
> body  cast, I figure that you got Akane something other than panties for
> White Day?"

Now that's just fanon. I'm pretty sure it took the combined forces of
the fan-dubbed 'Nerima Wrecking Crew' to put Ranma in a body cast.

> what he just confessed. Daisuke let out a laugh of triumph, his grin  growing
> wider, feeling happy for Ranma, now that the man finally taken some

Revise: Ranma, now --> Ranma now (you didn't need the comma there)

> initiative concerning his tumultuous relationship with the hottest girl in  school.

Akane is sort of like Sarah Jessica Parker, in that only the people in
the Ranmaverse finds her hot, while the rest of fandom... doesn't.

KOTF (back from the dead): (boos at my quip)

Oh, come on! You know it's true.

> eavesdropping, he removed his hand and gave Hiroshi and Daisuke a long look as  he
> struggled with his impulses; he knew it was courting trouble to tell anyone
> about the pendant, but the powerful urge to boast was too great to resist,
> especially since his friends now knew he had gotten Akane _something_.

I liked this part; it's very Takahashi-esque how Ranma and Akane
'inadvertently' spread their secret gift to each other.

>  "Damn, Ranma…" said Hiroshi, shaking his head. "Never thought I'd see  the
> day when you got Akane something like that.

Missing quotation mark after 'Akane something like that.' Please
revise accordingly.

>  "Thanks buddy," Ranma answered, tapping Daisuke's shoulder gently  with his

Revise: "Thanks, buddy," (missing comma)

>   "I couldn't get close enough to overhear what she was saying –  your
> sister is pretty alert. However, I did manage to snap this off. I think  you'll
> find it worth my cut." Junko pulled a digital camera from her book bag  and

Sliding Timescale, huh? Okay.

Soapbox: ...Makes me wonder why no one ever bothered writing Ranma fic
set within the 90s? I mean, if there's a series that's firmly stuck
within that time period, it's Ranma 1/2. Heck, the anime's/manga's
rendition of Ranma's inexplicable blue eyeshadow every time he
transforms into a she, the use of magnetic tape cassettes, VHS, floppy
disks, and the lack of cellphones (and cars, for that matter) are sooo
nineties.

> pendant dangling from her fingers as she showed it off to her friends.  "
> Jackpot!" she crowed.

Nitpick: The exclamation point makes Nabiki's _exclamation_ less of a
'crow' and more of a... _exclamation_, IMO.

Suggest: "Jackpot," she crowed. / "Jackpot!" she exclaimed.

>  "Remember, I didn't hear where Akane got it from," Junko reminded  Nabiki. "
> For all we know she could have got it for herself."

Revise: she could have got it for herself --> she could have gotten it
for herself (awkward dialogue)

>  Nabiki snorted delicately.

...How does one snort delicately? I don't think that's possible.

> She was opening her locker when a discrete cough attracted her  attentions. A
> small, rabbit-faced man dressed in a dark blue ninja uniform was  kneeling by
> her side. "Ah Sasuke, you have news for me concerning my beloved  Ranma-sama?"

Revise: Ah Sasuke --> Ah, Sasuke (missing comma)

>  Sasuke sighed inaudibly. This would not be pleasant… "Yes, Mistress,  I
> have."

Suggest: pleasant… --> pleasant. (you don't need the ellipsis there)

>  "I was watching Master Ranma from the concealment of a tree on the  Furinken

Revise: Furinken --> Furinkan

> revealing myself, so I observed him at a distance. But soon my attention  was
> attracted to Akane Tendo, who was sitting under my perch with two of her

Revise: But soon my attention --> But soon, my attention (missing comma)

> friends." Sasuke faltered at the annoyed glower forming on his mistress's face,
> but plowed forward with his narrative. "Her friends were talking about White Day
>  gifts, and one of them asked Miss Tendo if Master Ranma had given her one,
> and  she said 'yes'." Kodachi blanched white, leaning against her locker for
> support.  Sasuke bowed his head low and frantically clasped his hands above him
> in  supplication. "Mistress, have mercy on your lowly servant! I am but a
> messenger,  bringing to you the news you commanded me to seek!"

My, how... theatrical your Kodachi is. Again, I'm going to chalk this
up to Flanderization; she's not quite OOC, but she's so exaggerated
she might as well be.

>  With great effort Kodachi mastered herself. "Very well," she hissed  out

Revise: effort, Kodachi (missing comma)

> through gritted teeth. "Continue. What, in his misplaced sense of pity, did  he

Nitpick, suggest: grit teeth.

>  Sasuke cringed away as Kodachi began to shriek in outrage. "NO!  IMPOSSIBLE!
> There's no way that _my_ Ranma-sama would willing give such a gift  to that
> miserable girl!"

The way you're portraying Kodachi, I would have sworn she was out to
take over the world. Large ham much?

>  "Yes! Everything makes perfect sense, now that the truth is known!
> Ranma-sama does not tolerate that harridan willingly – his will is bound to her  by
> the black arts!

My complaint for Kodachi's line of thought isn't so much that it's
unbelievable for her to believe but more of it being merely a retread
of her brother's shtick. I mean, in canon, Takahashi was careful about
making certain characters clones of each other, seeing what she did to
Konatsu (Tsubasa II) and Kodachi (Kuno II), the Principal (Kuno III),
and that weird Chardin guy with the stretchable lips (Mikado Sanzenin
II). Why can't you do the same? Instead of doing a retread of Kodachi,
can't you _at the very least_ just portray her believably without
resorting to exaggeration?

> Oh, my darling, take heart. I, the Black Rose, will free you
> from this durance vile! I shall begin by liberating my White Day gift from that
> cruel sorceress!" With a peal of lunatic laughter and a burst of black rose
> petals Kodachi raced away, shedding the encumbrance of her school uniform for
> the freedom of the fighting leotard she wore beneath.

...Come to think of it, Kodachi's speaking pedantically, just like her
brother. Don't tell me they (squicked, turns green) did the Fusion
Dance or something? (retches, goes to the nearest bathroom after
understanding the unfortunate implications of this realization).

>  Sasuke watched his maniacal mistress depart, breathing a sigh of  relief. He
> took from his satchel a flask of fine French brandy he had filched  from the
> Kuno liquor cabinet and took a swig. The Kunos paid him well, and his  job

In Konatsu terms, Sasuke was paid well.

Sasuke: Two pieces of bread? Oh, Kuno-sama! You're too kind!

Kuno: Well, it _is_ Christmas...

> Mousse returned to the Nekohanten, flying in through the open  window of a
> storeroom, where he kept a thermos of warm water, a change of  clothes, and a

Revise: storeroom, where --> storeroom where (comma muyo; get rid of the comma)

> spare set of weapons. He changed back to his human form then  dressed, all the

Suggest: then dressed, --> then dressed himself,

Because by the way you phrased that sentence, it begs the question,
"What did Mousse dress? A creepy blow-up doll of Shampoo? Just clarify
what you're trying to say to avoid such silly phrasings.

> while his expression thoughtful and somewhat sad. Once finished  he went

Revise: Once finished he went --> Once finished, he went

>  Mousse's face twisted in despair. He rushed Shampoo, grabbing her by  the
> shoulders before she could react. "Shampoo, I love you! I love you with my
> entire heart, more than anyone else in the whole world! There's nothing I  wouldn'
> t do for you. Why don't you love me back?" Shampoo shrugged Mousse's  hands
> off of her and punched him, slashing a hard right cross into his jaw. The
> blow sent him reeling into the table behind him, knocking it over, scattering
> its chairs, sending its silverware pinging and skittering over the tiled floor.

...I wish I can say you Flanderized Mousse, but who are we kidding?
^^; The only time he developed a semblance of a spine was during the
events in the last volume of the manga and, consistently enough,
Shampoo still rejected him. Poor, poor Sacchin... erhm, Mousse. ^_^;

Shampoo's reaction, OTOH, is a bit of a Flanderization. That was a
punch for a glomping, not for a profession of love.

>  Mousse gathered himself into a crouch, wiping away the trickle of  blood
> from the corner of his mouth with a napkin taken from the overturned  table. His
> myopic eyes glittered like sword-blades behind his thick glasses, and  each
> pulse of his aching heart pumped black bitterness through him, the refined
> distilment of his pain.

Um, you might want to avoid choking your prose purple.

(Ganked from http://www.katsudon.net):

"It sat on the window sill, glittering silver and the green of jungles
in the hazy morning light. Sparks of incandescent beauty fell from its
sides, shattering along the walls, floor, and the warm brown wood of
my magnificent desk. Round is the most perfect of shapes, one with no
beginning or end, I reflected, like the never-ending cycle of all
life, never pausing. Then again, I always do get maudlin before I
drink my morning can of Mt. Dew..." You have here an example of prose
that has been smothered until it turned purple. This might work if
you're getting paid by the word and are attempting to squeeze a couple
extra bucks out of a story, but also keep in mind that I've yet to
meet anyone that truly enjoyed reading "Moby Dick." (Which was a story
that could have been written in a paragraph or less.) Don't get stuck
on your descriptions; you might feel great if you can write lovely,
flowery prose, but it's a struggle to read.

(Ganked from TV Tropes):

Purple Prose is essentially when a writer takes a scene or description
that could be written simply, but instead decide to make it "eloquent"
by expanding on it. This isn't a bad idea necessarily, but it becomes
Purple Prose when they overdo it so much that it can make it
borderline unreadable.

>  "You really think Saotome loves you?" he asked with a spiteful laugh.  "And
> you dare call me blind."

My wangst sense is tingling...

>  "Airen does love Shampoo!" the young Amazon shouted, stamping her  foot.

Foot = Can be stomped

Rubber Stamp = Can be stamped

Foot <> Rubber Stamp

Understand? Good.

> Mousse laughed again as he stood, making no attempt to hid his contempt.

Revise: hid --> hide (tense confusion, infinitive confusion)

As a general rule, when using infinitives, the verb after 'to' should
remain in present tense and singular (i.e., to see, to hear, to jump,
to run, etc.).

> Shampoo snarled, drawing out a war mace and hurling it at his head. Blue-gray  steel
> flashed between his hands as a fighting chain flowed out of his sleeves  and
> deflected the mace, burying it into the near wall.

Mousse: I've sacrificed my characterization for the sake of moving the
angsty plot forward! Isn't that dandy! ^_^

Shampoo gasped in
> surprise, feeling a momentary sensation of fear in the pit of her stomach. Never
> before had Mousse defended himself against her attacks. Mousse was surprised by

Mousse: All it took was Saotome finally giving a gift to that Tendo
girl! I've learned my lesson well, Saotome! What that lesson is, I'm
not quite sure what. I'm just following the lead of this fic's author.

Shampoo: Stupid, _stupid_ Mousse!

> his own audacity as well, but took no time to question his actions. For the
> first time in his life he let loose his anger and resentment towards Shampoo's

Revise: life, he let loose (missing comma)

> continuous rejections. He still loved her, desired her, but was very tired of
> her treading on his heart as she chased after a man that, Mousse now knew for
>  certain, did not return her affection. He wanted her to have a taste of the
> pain  he had known almost his entire life. He pulled his chain taut as Shampoo
> drew  another war mace.

Hmm. I guess, despite the wangst, that makes sense, but a simple block
or slap of the bonbori would have been more sufficient than an
outright battle royal, knowing Mousse. If Mousse really does love
Shampoo, he doesn't need to assault her; he just needs to stand up for
himself by not letting Shampoo trample over him, not kick her ass to
seemingly put her in her place; a simple slap is less ridden with
unfortunate implications, even.

>  "So tell me, Shampoo," Mousse asked with a sneer. "If Saotome loves  you so
> much, why didn't he accept chocolate from you this Valentine's?"
>
>  Shampoo glared. "Simple: Airen no want get pounded by Violent  Tomboy."
>
>  "And I suppose that's the same reason he had nothing for you today?"

Soapbox: OOC, wangsty Mousse. I would have expected him to come out
with it immediatly than just, you know, act like this was some sort of
soap opera.

>  Shampoo opened her mouth, but then checked herself. She considered  Mousee

Revise: Mousee --> Mousse (typo)

>  He nodded in acknowledgement. "I do. You asked where I was, earlier.  I'll

Revise: acknowledgement -->  acknowledgment (typo)

Also: Mousse doesn't sound like himself. If he's going to tattle, he
should probably not be this wangsty. I mean, he does angst, but this
is too much. Him being so bitter at how _Shampoo usually treats him_
and reacting in a way _that's different from the way he reacted in
canon when he finally figured out Ranma Saotome's love for Akane_,
snarking Shampoo's feelings like some sort of... of... Nabiki Tendo is
a bit much to take.

> tell you now: I was spying on Saotome. I do so sometimes, in hope of  learning
> a weakness of his I can exploit the next time we fight.

Mousse: Do I look pathetic enough for you, or should I go on?

I didn't learn  of
> one today, but I did hear a secret." His eyes narrowed slightly as Shampoo  let

Oh, for *(^&*^& sake, GET ON WITH IT!

> her mace drop to her side. In turn he relaxed out of his defensive stance,
> drawing his chain back into his sleeve. "I was hiding in the tree he was having
> lunch under. One of his friends tricked the secret out of him, but truthfully
> I  don't think Saotome wanted to keep it a secret. He wanted to tell them. I
> think  he wanted to shout it from the roof of the high school."

He could have just said that early on.

>  "Stop wasting time, Mousse," Shampoo commanded. "What Airen's  secret?"

See? Even Shampoo agrees with me.

>  "Just this: he got Akane Tendo a gift for White Day."

Now, was that so hard?

>  "_Mousse lying!_" screamed Shampoo. She took two steps towards  Mousse,
> raising her mace in threat. Mousse snorted.

Shampoo: (spritzes Mousse with mace)

>  "You know I'm not lying, Shampoo. I never lie to you. He doesn't want  your
> heart, and today he gave his to Akane Tendo." He chuckled.

Mousse: I'm so awesome! I'm hurting the one I love the most, even
though even the fic itself admits that I never had done so in canon,
and nothing... _nothing_ in the events in this fic was enough to push
me to do so now. Hear me chuckle! Here my bitterness! Feel my ANGST!

>  Mousse staggered up, grimacing as he gingerly rubbed his chest. For a
> moment he felt a pang of guilt, and felt the need to chase after Shampoo, to  tell
> he had lied, beg for her forgiveness. He crushed the impulse ruthlessly.  _Let
> her twist in the wind today, the way she's made me twist for the past ten
> years… For once, let her know how it feels…_

Mousse: Now, why didn't I do this before, during all those other times
the opportunity to tell Shampoo off presented itself? Oh yeah...
Fanfic wangst. Duh.

>  The school day was almost over at Furinken High, and Ukyo Kuonji felt  a

Revise: Furinken --> Furinkan

>  "Now, I'll admit I didn't see Ranma actually give the pendant to  Akane,"
> Nabiki continued with gentle cruelness. "But the circumstantial evidence  is
> pretty telling. Or haven't you noticed the way those two have been acting

Okay, fandom knows how much of a Karma Houdini Nabiki is, but again...
isn't her 'gentle cruelness' a bit much? Sounds like something Brian
Randall would write, even, except this fic doesn't have the subplot
excuse of culturally ingrained intolerance to Burakumin to make this
extreme characterization work. As it is, instead of Nabiki coolly
finding a way to earn some shopping money, you're making her a jerkass
for the sake of being a jerkass.

>  Ukyo stood in the hallway, hands clenching and unclenching  spasmodically,
> grief, anger and hate burning through her like storms of fire and  ice. _How
> *dare* he? *I'm* his fiancée! His *cute* fiancée! He should have given  that
> pendant to *me*, not that spoiled little bitch!_

(sigh) Seems people still hasn't gotten over the Saint Ukyo portrayal
of the wonderful yet controversial Zen fic, the Bitter End. Of course,
after deconstructing Akane and portraying her bouts of anger as a
valid form of psychosis, then it's only natural for people to
deconstruct Ukyo as well, portraying her... um... how many times had
she ever had a bout of anger in canon? Granted, the gunpowder
okonomiyaki really is iffy, but she _was_ the fiancee that actually
befriended Akane and tried legitimate means to break Ranma and Akane
apart, right?

Yes, she attacked Ranma when she thought he was giving Akane a ring,
but I don't remember her actively hating Akane for being loved by
Ranma. She's no saint, and she obviously doesn't just want to be
friends with Ranma, but again...

Ned Flanders: Howdily doodily, neighbor!

> _Or  maybe,_ she thought. _Maybe he got the pendant for me, but Akane found
> out about  it, so he gave it to her to avoid getting knocked into orbit. Yeah…_
> Ukyo  halted, then turn back and started running for the front doors. I'll get
> the  truth from Ranchan later. Right now, I'll go get what's rightfully
> mine._

Madoka--oops, wrong character, though same seiyuu--_Ukyo_ seems to be
ready to rumble. All she needs now is her gunpowder-filled
okonomiyaki, and she's all set!

Also, I suggest, instead of the bout of psychotic rage, you
concentrate Ukyo's thoughts into that rationalization instead.

> The school day was over and Akane was walking towards the school  gates,
> whistling happily to herself and smiling. Every so often her hand strayed  up and

Revise: often her --> often, her (missing comma)

>  magically perfect, she had the happy thought that their personal
> relationship  was going to become a lot less turbulent. _But not completely so,_ she
> thought  to herself, _we're going to have to work on it. It'll be worth it. She
> giggled  mischievously. _I hope things don't get *too* peaceful. Sometimes
> fighting with  Ranma is fun.

I like your portrayal Akane here. Too bad you've evenly distributed
ficAkane's psychotic streak to the rest of the cast.

>  Hiroshi and Daisuke trotted by, and as they passed Hiroshi flashed a  big

Revise: passed, Hiroshi (missing comma)

> the pendant, the same way she trusted Yuka and Sayuri. She touched the  pendant
> again, wondering if she could convince Ranma to go out somewhere with  her
> this coming weekend. They would have to be careful about it, if only to keep

Man, she's really been groping that pendant a lot. O_o If Happosai had
been there, he might have had other ideas on what Akane's doing.

Happosai: (wipes his nose) What's this? Blood? IMPOSSIBLE! I've never
had a nosebleed in decades!

> their fathers from doing something foolish. _I'll try to get Ranma alone in the
> dojo and ask him._ She giggled again. _And while I'm at it, maybe I'll get
> the  chance to glomp him, the way I've wanted to all  day._

Akane: Groping is fun. ^_^ (sternly) ...As long as it's consensual.
(nods resolutely to herself, scurries off)

> _"Tendo."_ The  voice was harsher than the cold March wind, jolting Akane
> out of her pleasant  planning. She turned, finding Ukyo standing stiff and rigid
> five yards away,  clutching her battle spatula down across her thighs in a
> white-knuckled grasp,  her eyes practically glowing with tightly reined rage. A
> loud gasp raced through  the students between and around the two girls; the
> students quickly cleared the  area, retreating to watch from a safe distance.

Akane: Zen! I mean, Ukyo!

Ukyo: Zen will punish! PUNISH!

>  "Don't play innocent, Little Miss Tricky! You have Ranma's pendant,  the
> one he meant for me, and which you bullied him out of. I want it. I'm his  cute
> fiancée, the fiancée he belongs to, and that heart pendant is rightfully
> _mine!_"

(sigh) Lobotomies are in place. There's no going back now. Huh. The
idiot ball is in Ukyo's hands, now she has to run with it.

>  "No, pendant belong to _me!_" The students gasped again as Shampoo  stormed
> through them, brandishing her maces. He eyes were red,

What, she used the maces on herself?

> tear tracks  stained
> her puffy cheeks, and her expression was absolutely murderous. "Ranma  _Shampoo'
> s_ Airen! _Shampoo's_ husband! Pendant mine! Not Spatula Girl's, and  very
> much not Violent Pervert Girl's!"

This from the girls who went out of their way to not kill Akane when
they first realized her to be a threat to their happiness? Huh.

...Actually, I'm not so leery of Shampoo's and Ukyo's actions as I am
of their motivations. Murderous intent? Come on. Now you've given
Shampoo and Ukyo the same disease Akane was suffering from in Zen's
fanfic... except you didn't. I'm all for showing the cuter, non-angry
side of Akane, but not at the cost of lobotomizing the rest of the
cast.

>  A peal of laughter and a whirlwind of black rose petals presaged  Kodachi's
> arrival. She flipped gracefully over the spectators, landing smoothly  with a

Presaged? Guh. Seriously, fic... lay off the thesaurus.

Fic: I don't think so, knave! (eats more dictionary pages)

> snap of her ribbon. The crowd pushed farther back, some of the students
> fleeing entirely, sensing that the coming violence promised to be apocalyptic.
> Kodachi sneered at Ukyo and Shampoo. "Be gone, you peasants. Only I, Kodachi
> Kuno, have the right to vanquish this wretched sorceress!

Tragic how the fic can't tell the difference between Kodachi and Tatewaki.

Fic: She's the Kuno with the boobs, right?
> fighting  amongst themselves. Unfortunately, there was a girl present they
> disliked and  were jealous of far more. As one their glares snapped onto Akane, and
> she could  not help to gasp under the emotional impact of their combined
> anger and envy.

I guess this is what Saint Ukyo looks to Akane fans, except it's Akane
that's being a saint. Brrr.

>  Ukyo brought her battle spatula up to guard. "We can thrash out who  gets
> the pendant later. Right now, I think we all agree on who the pendant does
> _not_ belong to." Shampoo and Kodachi nodded. "Take it off and put it on the
> ground, Tendo." Ukyo ordered.

And suddenly, it turned into a lemon. Or a rape fic. Both options
being perfectly unreadable.

>  Akane stood motionless, her face a pale, expressionless mask. Cold,  dry
> fear grasped at her, warring with the heat of her growing anger.


Uh-oh. If the fic can make the other fiancees ficAkane-level
murderous, then what more if Akane herself got angry? Students! Run
for your lives! Oh, the humanity! The humanity!

> Against  Ukyo, the odds became chancier, but she thought she had an even chance of
> beating the okonomiyaki chef. Shampoo, however… Akane tamped firmly down on a

Not really. Ukyo can go toe-to-toe with Shampoo, so Ukyo's more Shampoo's level.

> perhaps,  but not the right thing. Her anger, her pride, her feelings for Ranma, all
> helped to buttress her will and stave off her fear. Never in her life had
> she  backed down from bullies, and no way would she let these three confronting
> her  bully her now.

The Fiancees of the NWC (tm): We've been given the Villain Ball,
unfortunately. Cohesive, unforced motivations? Logical progression?
What's that? All we have is unbridled hatred that makes us more like
caricatures of ourselves than real people. Sorry.

>  Deliberately, Akane drew out her pendant and let it rest openly on  her
> breast. She set into a full defensive stance, legs spread and fists at the  ready,
> her attitude determined, fierce and in no way frightened. "Listen up you

Shampoo: (steals pendant) Mine!

Ukyo: (steals pendant) No, mine!

Kodachi: (steals pendant) Ohoho! No, m--

(Kodachi, Ukyo, and Shampoo take turns snatching the pendant)

Akane: (sweatdrops, sits on the grass and waits for the fiancees to
tire themselves out before getting back her jewelry)

> three; Ranma gave this pendant to _me._ He wanted me to have it, and the only
> way any of you are going to get it is by taking it off my cold, dead body!"
>
>  Shampoo hissed, taking a step forward. "Shampoo happy to grant Stupid  Girl'
> s wish."
>
>  Ukyo bit her lower lip. "Fine by me if you want to do this hard,  sugar.
> Just don't go whining that we didn't give you a chance."

Akane: Uh, _cold, dead body_. I don't think they whine.

>  "Enough talk," snapped Kodachi. "Your time of reckoning has come,  Akane
> Tendo!" As one, the three angry young women charged.

Enough talk? Oh come on. Why stop now?

> Ranma whistled as he helped clean the classroom, working quickly  and
> efficiently, wanting to get out as soon as possible so he could spend time  with
> Akane.

Ranma not skipping cleaning duty? OOC.

> Also, he was starting to feel a little uncomfortable from the  knowing
> looks Yuka and Sayuri kept sending him. _Akane must have told them about  the
> pendant._ He was fine with that – he trusted the two girls not to tell  anyone
> else. Besides, fair is fair, since Hiroshi and Daisuke were in on the  secret
> too.

Copy-paste edit must have been a wonderful thing, fic.

> mouth. The thought of fighting with Akane did not bother him much; it  was part
> of who they were, and at times he enjoyed it. But now that he knew she

Ranma: Yeah, I sure do enjoy it! Remember in volume... in episode...
Aw, heck, remember in this fic, when I was laughing giddily as Akane
threatened me with a blunt object? Ah, good times... Good times....

> cared, he wanted to explore gentler aspects of their relationship. _Wonder if I
> could convince Akane to out with me this weekend? I think I can scrape up enough
>  money for dinner and a movie._ He emptied a dustpan into the wastebasket by
> the  teacher's desk. _Maybe I could hold her hand in the theater. Afterwards,
> maybe  we could even… kiss._ To his dismay the thought made him blush hotly.

Oh so deliciously OOC. -_- I think Rumiko Takahashi was avoiding
exactly _this_ sort of characterization in her protagonist when she
made Ranma 1/2. Now, this is only a theory of mine, so take it with a
grain of salt, but I had a feeling she was making a sort-of subversion
of the two hot Shonen genres at the time (Martial Arts Action and
Light Love Comedy) when she made the slapsticky yet wonderfully
eccentric Ranma 1/2 manga.

Man, did the readers/viewers hate the love-giddy-indecisive Kyosuke
Kasuga of Kimagure Orange Road fame. Sure, Ranma probably is every bit
as indecisive as Kasuga, but at the very least he has enough honor and
coolness factor to, well, not act like the Ranma you're portraying
above.

(Ganked from TV Tropes, URL
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PillarsOfMoralCharacter):

As it so happens, Westerners and Japanese both find Ranma's Love
Dodecahedron in Ranma 1/2 funny, but for different reasons. Part of
why the Japanese find it funny is the impossible web of overlapping
and mutually-exclusive promises and debts of honor that Ranma has
inherited or had pushed upon him. He's caught in a trap of giri
(honor, duty) of such scope that it's a case of having to laugh or
else you'd cry. One likely reason that the manga and the anime both
end on an inconclusive note is that Ranma almost certainly cannot
choose any one girl without incurring massive dishonor to himself and
at least one other girl (and her whole clan, as well, possibly
spawning a blood feud in the process). An additional tragicomic
element is added by the fact that Ranma is one of the more honorable
persons in the series (not that that's saying much), which his
less-honorable foes, friends and fiancées exploit ruthlessly.

For example, Ranma feels he owes a debt of honor to Ryoga for
accidentally pushing him into the Spring of Drowned Piglet at
Jusenkyo. Gimu (debt of honor) leads him to swear an oath not to
reveal Ryoga's "weakness" to anyone. Ryoga then takes advantage of
this promise to use his piglet form to pretend to be Akane's pet,
"P-Chan", and sleep in her bed. And because of giri, Ranma cannot
cannot break his word to Ryoga to reveal his deception without
incurring a stain on his own honor. (Even though Ranma didn't actually
make the promise to Ryoga, but to the neighbors' dog, which at the
time he thought was Ryoga's cursed form...)

> Yuka and  Sayuri noticed and giggled. "Watcha thinkin' about, Ranma?" they
> sing-songed to  him in unison. Ranma tried to scowl, but felt too good to do so.

Ugh.

Oh, and:  sing-songed --> singsonged (d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)

>  The classroom door burst open, startling everyone within, and  Tatewaki Kuno
> charged in. "Never!" he roared. "I will never allow it!" His  bokken
> blurred as he attempted to cut Ranma in half. Ranma yelped, bending  backwards under
> the strike, his right leg arcing up in counter, sending Kuno  staggering with
> a blooded nose. Ranma back-flipped to his feet and went into an  active

Revise: blooded --> bloodied

>  Kuno wiped the blood from his nose with a handkerchief and snarled.  "
> Saotome, I know your plan to ensnare Akane Tendo even tighter in your evil  grasp!
> Trying to steal her heart by giving her that charm – it is a low deed,  even
> for black a sorcerer as yourself. Today is the day I smite you down,  finally
> freeing the beauteous Akane to date with me!"

Okay, looks like Kuno is the only character you have down pat in a
consistent manner. I'm not sure I approve of you giving the fiancees a
Kuno streak, though.

Remember when Hinako was introduced, Takahashi-sensei actually went
out of her way to give the rest of Ranma's fiancees a reason to help
her find a way to defeat the little Tykebomb? You didn't exactly go
out of your way to throw the fiancees into a murderous path to kill
Akane for a piece of jewelry. You've instead villainized them for the
sake of moving the story forward, which is so unfortunate.

>  "GET STUFFED!" Ranma shouted back as he danced around Kuno's blows,  subtly
> drawing his opponent off balance, watching for the inevitable opening he  was
> forcing. The moment came, a window of opportunity a scant fraction of a
> second wide. Ranma struck like lightning, blurring inside Kuno's guard and
> launching a flurry of punches. Kuno's eyes bulged and he wheezed as he felt  sharp

Wow. What a fight scene. That I have never seen before. Oh wait...

Kuno: (was merely having a token cameo)

>  "AKANE!" Ranma slammed open the window and leaped out, hoping he  could
> reach his fiancée before she got hurt.

-.- What is this, a revenge fic for Zen's Bitter End where, instead of
villainizing Akane, the rest of the fiancees are villainized? Gimme a
break.

>  Kodachi jumped at Akane, attempting to brain her with a gymnastics  pin.
> Akane dodged easily and kicked Kodachi in the chin, knocking the gymnast  through
> the air, landing hard on her shoulders and the back of her head, lying
> stunned on the school lawn. Akane then pivoted and whirled out of the way of
> getting flatted by the downward stroke of Ukyo's battle spatula. "Hold still,  you
> little dyke!" Ukyo hissed.

(sigh) The fic has issues, not with Akane, despite the dyke jab, but
with the rest of Ranma's fiancees.

> nerve calling me that, you cross-dresser!" She moved to knock Ukyo out with  a
> kick to the head, but was forced away by a swing of Shampoo's mace. Grimacing,

Akane: (gets spritzed by mace) ARRGH! My eyes! What martial artist
uses _mace_ anyway? It's like bringing a fist full of sand in a fight!
It's unfair!

Shampoo: Shampoo cannot bring fist-full of sand into fight until sand
beat Shampoo in mortal combat!

>  Akane started a fighting withdrawal, backing away and concentrating on total
>  defense, avoiding the Amazon's weapons with hair's breadth dodges. A

Suggest: hair's breadth --> hairbreadth

> constant  flood of Chinese curses streamed from Shampoo's mouth. So in the grips of
> her  battle rage she did not notice Akane was leading her towards Kodachi, who

Revise: rage, she (missing comma)

>  Akane had been hoping for such a reaction. Aware of the missile  coming more
> by instinct than awareness, she dropped to the ground. Shampoo  shouted in
> surprise and smashed the pin to splinters with a mace, and discovered  a
> split-second later she had been out-maneuvered when Akane's foot slammed into  her
> stomach. She folded in half, gagging, and Akane kicked her in the face,  sending

My Akane fanboy senses are tingling! Akane can fight fiancees she had
fallen from before, despite the fact that their anger and numbers
should have been at their advantage? Totally makes sense to me!

> her head. "DIE!" the Amazon screamed. Akane rolled to her right, just
> evading the strike, then screamed herself when she saw where the blow landed.
> Shampoo heaved up the mace, readying to press her attack, but stopped when she
> saw Akane's pale, distressed face, trembling lips, and wide eyes starting to
> brim with tears. Shampoo looked at the spot on the ground Akane stared at and
> sucked in her breath. In the center of the small crater gouged in the earth by
> her mace blow was a mangled, flattened piece of silver, dusted with a pinch
> of  shimmering dark-blue powder.

Huh. Didn't see that coming. I'm pleasantly surprised.

>  Akane reeled drunkenly to her feet, unable to look away from her  ruined
> pendant, the simple, pretty piece of jewelry she had come to treasure so  quickly
> because Ranma had given it to her of his own free will. Her breath  rushed in
> and out of her fast and hard, and she shook her head, as if trying to  deny
> her gift's destruction.

I also liked this part. You know, it's dramatic moments like _this_
that purple prose won't come out as purple prose but instead
legitimately dramatic prose. To avoid purple prose, you must know when
to make use of those metaphors, flowery words, and symbolism. Mmmkay?
Good.

> Shampoo stood stock still, her will to fight gone,
> leaving her feeling empty and ashamed. Kodachi and Ukyo approached warily, then
> noticed the ruined prize they had been fighting for. Kodachi seemed merely
> puzzled, while Ukyo's expression was sick, her eyes suddenly staining with
> guilt. "Akane, I… I'm…" Flesh struck flesh; Ukyo found herself on the ground
> again, face aching from Akane's slap. Eyes blazing, Akane slapped Shampoo, then
> Kodachi, knocking both girls down in turn. Then she fled the school grounds,
> crying loudly, the broken silver chain of her pendant – all that remained of
> Ranma's White Day gift – clutched in her hand.

I like this twist. The things you did to get to this twist was beyond
believable, but I like this twist. It's already the tail end of the
fic, but because of the jewel's destruction, they're now back to their
senses and acting like their canonical counterparts.

....

Perhaps, like "The Pearl", the pendant acted as a catalyst, bringing
out the best in Akane and Ranma and bringing out the worse out of the
fiancees. I still dont' approve the sheer amount of unwarranted hatred
they had, especially your portrayal of Mousse, but by tweaking their
motivations to be a bit more believable and less murderous (let the
fiancees focus on the jewel more than killing Akane... well, all the
fiancees except Shampoo), this might come out as not halfway bad.

> The three girls gathered themselves up,  rubbing their faces. Ukyo licked and
> pursed her lips, watching Akane run through  the school gates and turn out of
> sight. "We… we shouldn't have done this…" she  muttered.

Ukyo: Fanfic no Aho!

>  Shampoo shook her head sharply, forcibly burying her shame with  pride. "NO!
> Shampoo within rights to destroy pendant. It no belong to Akane."
>
>  Kodachi snorted. "I agree with the spirit of this barbarian's  statement,
> if not the exact words. At least Ranma-sama is now safe from that  wicked girl'
> s charms."
>
>  "Maybe I'm safe, but you're sure the Hell not." All three girls

Ugh. Man, and here I thought the angst was over. -_-

> "Well, are you all  happy now?" he asked with a harsh false joviality that
> cut at them without  mercy. "The three of you absolutely _fucking_ satisfied
> with yourselves?"

(sigh) It's the ultimate KOTF wish-fulfillment fic. I expected better,
especially since canon was supposedly on their side. Did the fic
really need to resort to this? Make Ranma so angry at the other
fiancees that he was willing to dishonor their claim on him?

Fic: (thinks for all of five seconds) ...Yes.

>  "Airen have no should have give Kitchen Wrecker White Day gift!"  protested
> Shampoo.

Suggest: Airen have no should have --> Airen should no have

...Because as ungrammatical as the dub treats Shampoo, she was never
that ungrammatical. There's a definite pattern to her speech.

>  "I ain't _your_ Ranma-sama," he snapped. "Just as I ain't _your_  Ranchan
> or _your_ Airen! I'm Ranma Saotome, and I belong to my own damn self. I  don'
> t need an excuse or permission to give someone a White Day gift, and I  wasn't
> charmed into doing so. I _wanted_ Akane to have that pendant, not one of
> you. You had no damn right trying to mug her for it. I know she wouldn't have
> tried to steal it if I had been fool enough _to_ give it to one of you!" Ranma
> closed his eyes tight, mastering his temper. He felt so angry he could barely
> see straight. A blood-red haze kept bleeding into the edge of his vision. He
> took a deep, hard breath and opened his eyes to glare at the three girls. "
> Stay  out of my sight, if you know what's good for you. Stay out of my sight for
> a  good long while." He ran passed them to chase after Akane.

...Y'know, this would work a lot better without the little
"Ranma-Akane-shipper's Dream Speech" at the end. Have Ranma chase
after Akane, have the fiancees realize their guilt, have Ranma give
them the cold shoulder for awhile until the wedding comes, and let it
hang from there. Why? Ranma isn't the type to keep a grudge. He saves
enemies from certain death. But I'm not totally averse to him giving
his speech (unlike all the other times I decried OOC in this fic),
because Ranma really does have a mouth and a temper. The way this fic
achieved its ends (lobotomizing the fiancees characterization)  leaves
a bad taste in my mouth, but as far as natural progression is
concerned, Ranma's reaction is believable. Now as for the rest of the
fic....

>  The three young women said nothing, making no effort to chase Ranma,  each
> struggling with the object of their desire's rejection. Kodachi was the  first
> to break the silence. "My poor Ranma-sama! It is evident he is even deeper
> under Akane Tendo's sorcerous compulsion than I first suspected. Perhaps that
> wicked pig-tailed girl is aiding her. But the Black Rose will not stop fighting
>  for him. I fight until the day he is free to profess his love to me!" The
> crowd  of Furinken students watching the aftermath of the White Day brawl looked
> at her  with disbelief. Kodachi ignored their stares as she left, vaulting
> the school  wall while laughing maniacally.
>
>  Shampoo scrubbed a hand over her face. "This no over," she declared.  "
> Ranma belong to Shampoo." Her voice was dull, though, lacking both energy and
> conviction. She walked off for the gate, moving slowly, as if in great pain.

Yeah, _now_ the fic portrays them IC. What about all the other instances?

>  Ukyo watched her two rivals leave, then felt the weight of angry  stares
> focusing on her. Almost every female student of Furinken High, and many  of the
> male ones, was staring contemptuously at her. A quiet buzz of  conversation
> began to reach her ears. "Ranma gave Akane a White Day gift!" "He  must really
> like her, then." "And Akane must like him back. Did you see how she  fought to
> keep it?" "I can't believe Ukyo tried to take it from her. I thought  she
> was nicer than that!"
>
>  Ukyo fled, feeling sick and low and empty, wondering as she ran if  she
> would ever feel right again.

Remember, Ukyo... Down the Street, not Across the Road! ^_^

...I'm sorry, that was dark. Wow. Do fic authors always need a
diabolous ex machina to solve Ranma's fiancee-giri trouble? I mean,
with Brian Randall's aptly-named Descent, Ranma needed to become
Burakumin and so forth while Ukyo needed to... oh, man... to be able
to get it with each other. In Jose Argao's A Time for Wild Horses, he
blatantly 'takes away all of Akane's unfair advantages' and levels the
playing field between her, the other fiancees, and... the Sailor
Senshi. Ah. And don't even dare get me started on what happened to
Nabiki and Ranma in RaeMowse's For Better or For Worst-Case Scenario
(though there is gratuitous Nabiki-Ranma-shipper fanservice in the end
of that... that... well, let's just say the title says it all).

The price they have to pay is mind-boggling, to be sure. Makes me
rather want to read Stephan Twoflower Gagne's 'The Ends' instead. ^^;

>  They sat silently together for a few minutes, looking out at the  opposite
> bank, before Ranma spoke. "Akane, I'm sorry."
>
>  Akane wiped her eyes with her blouse sleeve. "Its okay, Ranma… It… it  isn'
> t your fault."

The World: (Ends)

...Just kidding. ;) I'm okay with Akane saying those rarely said words
in this context, but... man, the other parts of this fic is such a
letdown for me, IMO, that I can't shake the forcedness of this scene.

>  Ranma nodded. "Yeah. I was so pissed… I don't remember exactly what I
> said, save that I was angry and wanted them to stay out of my sight. Don't know
> if they'll listen – Kodachi is as nuts as her brother,

Ranma: ...But this is the first time I heard her _talk exactly like_
her brother. How creepy is that?

>  Ranma looked at Akane with wonder. Slowly, he took a white  heart-shaped box
> out from under his shirt. "I know it's not the pendant, Akane.  But… happy
> White Day."
>
>  Akane accepted the white chocolate with a shy, pleased smile,  happiness
> clearing the remaining sadness from her face like the way the sun  clears clouds
> from the sky. "Thank you, Ranma. I love it." Akane put the box on  her lap
> and leaned against Ranma. Ranma froze for a moment, took a breath, took  a
> chance, and carefully put his arm around Akane's shoulders. Her eyes  half-closed,
> and she let out a little sigh of contentment as her own arm  encircled Ranma's
> waist. Ranma tilted his head, resting it gently on hers. They  sat holding
> each other for a long while, both still feeling a little melancholy,  but their
> growing happiness making it become dimmer and fainter with each  passing
> moment.

For (ahem) better or for worse, for good or for ill, I liked how this
fic ended. It's like the villainization Shampoo suffered from in
Grayson Towler's Relentless; she even got (spoilered) in the process,
despite have little to nothing to do with the main plot otherwise.
(sigh) But that's neither here nor there. Let's get this over with.

>  Akane looked up at Ranma, smiling. "Wanna help me eat this  chocolate?"
>
>  Ranma smiled back. "I'd love to."
>
>
> End
>
>
> Author's Note:
>
>        My appreciation to M. Zephyr and  Saotome Kyubi, through whose
> stories I learned of White Day.

All righty then. I guess it's Japanese customs FTW this time around,
huh? In any case, Broken Grammar Rules time, yo:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #4: It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

Additional Tips: Okay, since I've noticed the sheer number of comma
errors in your piece, here's a quick and dirty list of when and when
not to use commas (and, as an extra bonus, semicolons and colons):

Use of comma:

1. To separate items in a series.
2. To separate two or more adjectives preceding a noun.
3. Before _and_, _but_, _or_, _nor_, _for_, _yet_, when they join
independent clauses, unless very short.
4. To set off nonessential clauses and nonessential participial phrases.
5. After certain introductory elements,
(a) After words such as _well_, _yes_, _no_, _why_, etc., when they
begin a sentence.
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.
(c) After a succession of introductory prepositional phrases.
(d) After an introductory adverb clause.
6. To set off expressions that interrupt the sentence.
(a) Appositives
(b) Words in direct address
(c) Parenthetical expressions
7. In certain conventional situations.
8. Wherever it may be needed for emphasis or clarity, whether or not one
of the above rules applies.
9. Do not use unnecessary commas.

Use of semi-colon:

1. Between two independent clauses not connected by a coordinating
conjunction.
2. Between independent clauses joined by conjunctive adverbs.
3. Between items of a series if they are already punctuated internally
by commas.
4. To separate independent clauses if there are commas within clauses.

Use of colon:

1. To mean "note what follows."
2. Before a long formal statement.
3. Between independent clauses when the second clause explains or
restates the idea in the first.

As for the story itself: Arrrgh. I think I'm getting a headache from
all the anvils this story has dropped on my head. Talk about
Anvilicious! At least, that was how the story read to me during the
first third of it or so. But, aside from the migraine-inducing
Flanderization of Ranma, Akane, and everyone else save Nabiki and
Sasuke, I deemed this a fic with lots of potential. Alas, it's also in
need of a lot of improvement.

(http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Flanderization)

Here's the thing: I took exception over your portrayal of the Ranma
characters because, in my mind, you broke character continuity. If a
series establishes a personality for a character, and then a fanfic
author makes that character do something that doesn't fit the
established personality, or doesn't feel like a natural development of
a character, that turns me off unless the author gives a reason that I
can accept. (For example, if Belldandy started being nasty or
spiteful; or if she got romantically involved with someone else, given
her devotion to Keiichi. OTOH, Mara's change in the story DH recently
translated as "Sympathy for the Devil" works, because we're given a
good reason for it.) That's probably my most common reason for
disliking a fanfic.

This could have been such an awesome fic that threads well into
canonicity, but instead author bias has snuck up and added unnecessary
angst on the part of the other character's portrayal for the sake of
adding conflict. Simply gratuitous. Man, there are people who liked it
the way it was, but bottom line, they have also noted the OOCness of
the characters. In any case, admittedly, the following note was the
first thing I read of your post:

> Forgot to add this last note when I readied the story for mailing:
>
> The pendant in this story is real. The woman I gave it to no longer loves
> me, and I'm trying hard not to love her, but I still cherish the memory of
> giving that pendant to her, and how we both felt that night.
>
> For whatever it is worth.
>
> Jeremy Harper

...which lead me to believe that I was about to read a different kind
of fic, where Akane doesn't love Ranma anymore, but he's still holding
on a trinket from their previous relationship, reminiscing about the
good times. Too bad this fic was exactly the opposite of what I
expected, what with the pendant getting destroyed and all. Oh well; I
thought that would have made a better fic than this, but that's just
me.

I didn't quite like it, but others did, and I'm willing to admit it
has potential. That said, I wish you luck on your future ficcing
endeavors and hope that you won't let your obvious Akane bias ruin
your fics. I hate ficAkane as much as the next fanfic reader, but
replacing ficAkane with OOC Shampoo, Ukyo, and Kodachi (okay, not so
much Kodachi, but the Tatewaki-esque speech was a bit much...) is...
such a shame. In any case, that's it. Nice fic. Keep on writing, for
whatever it's worth.


Well... that was different,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have
their shoes.


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