[FFML] [Fic][Ranma][Crossover][Lime]Coming Home to Roost Chapter 6

[Shade]

Coming Home to Roost
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, 
and those inside desperate to get out." 
-Montaigne

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Chapter 6: Rock the Cock
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His name was Ranma. And at the moment he was dancing around in pain from the kettle 
of scalding hot water that had just been poured onto his now steaming head.

"Hot water! Not boiling!!"

"Oh."

Mana cocked her head slightly, her straight face making it impossible to tell if she'd 
done that deliberately or not. Her stealthy approach had gone unnoticed until the moment 
she'd actually poured the water on her husband's head. It was a useful talent, being able 
to blend into the background despite her height and exotic profile. One that she'd developed 
extensively during her many hazardous assignments around the world. 

As she walked back to her seat, her hips seemed to give an extra curvy sway that captured
Ranma and Happosai's attention like a pair of red hot pliers clamped to their eyes, 
though in a much more enjoyable fashion. Placing the empty kettle back on the table 
the tall girl sat back down with the tiniest of smirks on her lips.

Ranma was left to wonder why was it that guys could say hello to each other and get it over with,
while girls had to spend forever introducing themselves to each other and what the hell did 
Soifon's clothes have to do with what was supposed to be a simple goddamn fucking greeting 
and could they just get the whole thing over with already because the suspense of what was coming 
was really starting to get to him and oh no Happosai you stupid fuck-

"Don't do it."

It took Happosai a moment to realize the boy was addressing him out of the corner of his mouth.

This of course did not sit well with the ancient master, who was he to tell him that-

"She likes to aim low."

Something in the boy's eyes made the wrinkled letch pause as the unspoken meaning was conveyed.

"Ah."

Happosai crossed his little legs protectively.

"What the hell did you do to bring them here, Ranma," he whispered back.

"Married them."

The old master did a doubletake before spinning around and pointing up at the resigned boy.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Ranma seriously considered that question.

At this point? Probably.

------------------------

Mousse swept the floor of the Nekohanten.

Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.

It really wasn't that bad of a position. He got three meals a day, a place to sleep
and was able to spend the majority of his time around the girl he loved.

Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.

Oh who was he kidding? The old ghoul made his life hell. He had to make do with kitchen 
scraps they wouldn't have fed to a pig back in the village, he slept on a straw mat and
Shampoo wouldn't give him the time of day unless it was to tell him it was time to get lost.

*Bang*

"Welcome back, Shampoo."

As usual, the object of his affections ignored his greeting. 

"Great Grandmother!"

Mousse's ears twitched. An angry Shampoo was one not safe to be around. But if she was upset
then it could only mean one of three things. Ranma had done something stupid to piss her off again,
one of the other girls had done something to Ranma to piss her off again or there was a new player in
town doing something to Ranma to piss her off again.

As quietly as he could, the white-robed boy started sweeping into the corner where he would be less
likely to be noticed eavesdropping on the increasingly interesting conversation taking place between
the wildly gesturing purple haired amazon and the shrunken old monkey on her long gnarled staff.

'What the hell have you gotten yourself into this time, Saotome?'

-----------------------

What had he gotten himself into this time?

"You will not under any circumstances get into bed with me as a woman. Is that understood?"

"Yes dear."

Ranma's eyes had crossed in their efforts to keep track of the large caliber sidearm currently
pointing at his nose. His mother's desire for an explanation that had better actually explain what
the hell this was all about had been temporarily delayed in favor of his third wife getting a simple
point across. Namely, that she wasn't into other girls and that as her husband he should respect her
decision in this matter or suffer a horribly painful death.

Not that Ranma had any problems with that, it wasn't like he was comfortable with the whole tits 
on tits thing either. As far as he was concerned the whole tab to slot business was complicated enough
already without having to figure out how to deal with only outlets and no plugs.

"Awwwwww, but he makes such an adorable looking girl."

Ranma did his best to ignore the glare of death coming from Soifon as Yoruichi nuzzled up against his back.
It wasn't like he wanted her to press herself so close to him like a kitten playing with her favorite toy,
even if it did feel really good.

Mana didn't bother to give a response as she finally holstered her weapon.

Yoruichi turned towards Tsuruko instead, looking for support.

"Perhaps. But his female form is not to my tastes."

Ranma wondered which females might be to his second wife's tastes but decided it was safer not to let his 
mind wander into that dangerous territory as he was pretty certain the answer would only make his situation 
even worse if that was still possible.

Nodoka cleared her throat deliberately as if to illustrate that particular point.

"I am still awaiting a full explanation for all of this."

"Um..."

The pigtailed boy's eyes eyes darted around, not daring to meet his mother's intense gaze as he was 
well aware that he had a shitty poker face that hid guilt about as well as a sieve held water. He
looked at Kasumi as she quietly pretended to be part of the furniture while she listened and watched
the rest of the room. He watched Nabiki trying to probe for information, unaware that she was actually 
giving away more then she was learning from her three ill-chosen targets. He saw Akane alternate between
glaring daggers at him and his wives. He sincerely hoped she wouldn't do anything stupid like try to
get into a fight thinly diguised as a sparring match with any of them. Or even worse, try to be friendly
and cook something for them.

"Well? When were you going to tell me about this...curse?"

The short pause and emphasis on the last word of his mother's question gave Ranma 
renewed determination to avoid getting his own gaze caught by the two sizzling lasers 
burning holes in the general vicinity of his head.

"Um, never, if we could help it."

By all rights he knew he should have spontaneously combusted from the nuclear death rays
that now seemed to tug his own eyeballs towards the Fully Armed and Operational Deathstar that
now glowered at him from across the table. 

"Uh, what the boy means to say Nodoka dearest is that we were trying to fix this little problem
before there was any need to be concerned."

Ranma had to give his father credit where it was due. When it came to fabricating explanations on
the fly to try and escape a jam, the old man could tangle truth and misdirection so completely that 
it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.

If Genma had also managed to get what he was supposed to get that morning, 
they might live to see tomorrow after all.

--------------------------

With trembling hands, Kodachi carefully removed the engraved wooden cover from a dust covered box
that had sat undisturbed in the darkness under her four poster bed for almost ten years. In it she
had long ago placed items from her childhood. Things that had once been treasured and things 
that she had hoped would remain forgotten.

But now she had no choice but to confront those old ghosts again.

"Mother..."

The photo had browned slightly with age at the corners but she could still see the elegant yet 
kind visage of the woman who had given birth to her, started to raise her and then sacrificed 
her own life to the monsters that had sought them out so that her daughter might live.

Blinking her eyes briefly against the unaccustomed weight of tears that years of training demand 
she not shed, Kodachi moved the painful photo away in favor of another equally aged one.

But unlike the last photo, there were two figures in this picture. And there was no mistaking that
feline grin or the telltale features that even a black and white photo couldn't obscure.

There was no doubt about it.

It was her.

"Yoruichi."

-------------------------

Four words cracked through Genma's rambling mixture of denial, obscuration and outright fabrication
like the Trumpet of Doom.

"I can explain everything."

Ranma's heart seemed to skip a beat. That phrase was arguably the one of the last things that anyone 
who had any experience at all with prior proclamations of that nature from that particular source 
ever wanted to hear.

His dark skinned first wife got up, stretching out her legs as she did so. There was just a trace of mischief
in her smile, which Ranma knew meant that she might as well have held up a big sign reading 'Baby, you're fucked'.