[FFML] [Fic][Ranma][Crossover][Lime]Coming Home to Roost Chapter 2

[Shade]

Coming Home to Roost
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Situations and a Sick Sense of Humor

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Chapter 2: Kiss Your Fucking Ass Goodbye
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There was a long moment of dead silence.

Nabiki caught herself in the middle of a doubletake.

Akane's eye twitched. She'd put up with a lot from her wayward fiance for the last year or so. 
He'd brought nothing but trouble to her home since his arrival. He lied, cheated, peeped, 
gobbled up all the sukiyaki meat first, groped other girls and never took her seriously.
She had tried to be mature and forgive him for his gross misconduct. But this? This was 
finally going too far. He must be PUNISHED!!

""RANMA, YOU PERVERT!!!"

Having satisfied the need for self-justification, no matter how flimsy the excuse might be, 
Akane charged ahead with an untroubled conscience determined to wreck havoc on 
the head of the boy who had betrayed her once again.

There was an uncertain pause as the members of the unofficial Akane Tendo Fanclub
saw their idol finally take decisive actions. Then with a muted roar the Horde 
was up in arms and following after the object of their desires.

"How could you cheat on such a sexy wife with some old bag, Saotome," yelled one of 
the maddened jocks on the baseball team.

"Get off on wrinkles, do ya!?"

This from a member of the school's Sumo team.

And then all together in one united battecry, "DIE, ENEMY OF ALL WOMEN!!"

Ranma closed his eyes in resigned expectation. 
He didn't want to watch what was coming next.

He could feel the pressure of Tsuruko's battleaura pressing 
against his prickling skin like a building thunderstorm as
he hastily emptied out all thought and emotion, trying to 
make his own aura as small and unnoticable as possible.

All of her senses suddenly tingling, Nabiki decided that 
it would be wise if she got out of the way.

Akane was at the head of the angry pack with a hockey stick 'borrowed' 
from one of the jocks. She raised it up high in preparation for a blow 
to the head that would rattle the school windows when it connected. 

And then a force like a category five hurricane suddenly smashed head on 
into her. She found herself being tossed backwards into the air like 
a dry maple leaf. All around her the sky was filled with a mob of equally 
surprised boys blasted every which way by that invisible wave of unstoppable force.

The pigtailed boy let out a small sigh of relief as he slumped slightly 
forward. The Evil Cutting Strike Second Form still scared the bejeezus out 
of him even when he wasn't the target. He still remembered seeing his wife 
use it on her own kid sister without hesitation. Poor Motoko had wet herself 
in fright. Fortunately his bladder was stronger then hers.

A great many dull thuds of warm bodies falling painfully onto the ground
followed shortly thereafter.

"Now then, if we may continue without further interruptions?"

The remainder of the student bodies still standing started nodding frantically.

"Thank you. Now then, Dearest?"

Cautiously Ranma's eyes peeked open. When they met the steady gaze of 
the still smiling Tsuruko, it was akin to a mouse suddenly staring up 
at a hungry waiting lion. Never had he been so tempted to break 
the first of the three cardinal rules of his marriage then at that 
precise moment.

Rule 1: Never Lie to Them. Ever.

No matter how scary Tsuruko could be when she was angry, that paled 
in comparision to what she was capable of when she found out she
was being lied to. And that was true for the others as well. 

"I-I thought she was you. By the time I figured it out it was too late 
and then you walked in and-"

"And you fled."

The young man nodded dejectedly. Being afraid for his life and manhood 
was still no excuse for running away like a coward. But his Pop's words 
had made so much sense at the time.

'Son, you fucked up.'

'What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?!'

'Look, calm down. I tell you what we'll do. We'll send a postcard letting
them know you're going on an extended training trip but we won't tell them where. 
Give her a couple of years to cool down and she'll forget all about it.'

'You really think it'll work?'

'Don't worry, it's a tried and true technique of the Saotome family. Trust me.'

'Okay.'

In retrospect, that had been one of the stupidest things he'd ever done.

And just as obviously, nobody else was buying it either. Yuka and Sayuri 
simply butted into the conversation without so much as a by-your-leave.

"How lame! Couldn't you come up with a better excuse then that?!"

"Like anyone would believe you could confuse your wife with her mother!
Do you think we're all idiots that we'd fall for such a crazy story like that?"

Both girls glared at him, suddenly united in their belief that Akane 
was right after all. Ranma really was nothing more then a sick pervert.

"Excuse me?"

Ranma glared right back at the two girls and their self-righteous stance wilted
slightly under the intensity of his outrage at having his honesty questioned.
He wasn't married to either one, which meant that he didn't have to put
up with that kind of shit from them.

With an almost audible growl, Ranma reached inside his shirt and pulled out a small round 
metal picture frame. He thrust it out towards the two suddenly uncertain schoolgirls like 
a cross being brandished towards a vampire.

"Here! Take a look for yourselves."

Yuka and Sayuri blinked in surprise and then came closer, not noticing that 
Tsuruko had lifted one hand to her mouth to hide a small laugh.

The duo carefully studied the picture before turning back towards Ranma 
with matching frowns on their features.

"Really, Ranma. A cheesecake picture of your wife posing in a string bikini 
doesn't explain anything at all."

"That's *not* my wife."

He reached into his shirt again with his free hand and withdrew a second picture frame
of the same shape and size as the first.

"This one's my wife."

An equally curious Nabiki joined the other girls in looking over the new picture.
In it Tsuruko wore a daring metallic V-cut one-piece that strained to contain her 
sensual figure as she posed teasingly towards the viewer. 

For the first time ever Nabiki finally understood just how Ranma could keep calling 
her younger sister an uncute tomboy who lacked any sex appeal whatsoever and actually 
mean it. It was like comparing shit to cream. She herself was straight and even she 
could tell that the picture was made of pure win.

At first glance the two photos appeared to feature the same person. It was only upon
closer examination that the three girls finally noticed some small differences that
distinguished one from the other. The two could have been sisters, so uncanny was
the resemblence. Suddenly the pigtailed boy's explanation didn't sound so flimsy 
after all.

"Okay, say that I believe you. Now why are you carrying that picture around,"
Nabiki said, deciding to humor his pathetic little charade for the moment.

Wordlessly Ranma turned the picture around so that they could read the inscription 
on the back. It read 'Keep me close. If you misplace this, you'll be sorry. -XXX Y.A.'

Nabiki's eyebrows rose involuntarily.

"I like being able to pee standing up, that's why."

Tsuruko finally interrupted with a polite cough.

"It has occurred to me, Dearest, that perhaps I was a touch...hasty at that time."

The elegant swordswoman slowly laced her fingers together with a slightly nervous 
air as she picked her next words carefully. Ranma's breath caught as a faint light
of hope rekindled in his breast.

"Having had some time to reflect on the matter, I have come to the conclusion 
that you were not to blame for that unfortunate incident."

You could have knocked the young martial artist over with a feather at that moment.
Genma had been right? His father's advice had turned out to be good for something 
after all?! Had Hell finally frozen over?!

"However...." 

Her hands suddenly clamped down on his shoulders as she drew his face closer to hers 
until their noses were almost touching. The young man's heart lurched as his vision 
was pulled into the glowing pools of her eyes. Somehow she seemed to be looming over 
him as if she had grown to giant size or he had shrunk in stature. 

"That still does not excuse your extended leave of absence from your marital duties, my husband."

Her smiling features seemed to radiate an almost palpable sense of danger coupled 
with a hint of barely restrained hunger that sent cold shivers running up and down his spine.

"You must reimburse this lack to the *fullest* extent possible. And with all the applicable I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T."

The brave martial artist fought back a terrified whimper as he silently prayed for a stay of execution.

"HOLD, VARLET!!"

-----------------------

Today was the day.

He was invincible!

For had the secret to ultimate victory not been revealed unto him 
through the great saga of the legendary Nobunaga? Today he would
claim what was his just due from the lovely pigtailed girl and 
his long suffering destined to be, Akane Tendo! 

Yes, through long trials and torment (of Sasuke) the key to destroying 
the Foul Letcherous Sorcerer had been discovered. Why had he not realized
it sooner? It was so obvious! He did not need to get his own noble hands
dirty with the blood of such a low class dog, rather he needed only to
hire a most skilled mercenary in the trade of removing such obstinate 
obstacles from his glorious path of true manliness.

Ah, there was the misbegotten demon spawn now!

"HOLD, VARLET!!"

But wait, who was this goddess of authentic Japanese beauty standing
next to-AH HAH!! The scoundrel was at it again! No doubt he had used trickery
and black magic to ensnare this pure angel with skin the color of soft moonlight
and long glorious raven dark tresses and her face, surely it had been kissed by
the glorious mother of heaven...Kuno used the back of his hand to wipe the drool
dripping from his open mouth.

"Do not fear, my fair maiden! Come, leap into my bountiful arms!!"

He charged forward, blind to everything but the heavenly vision before him.

----------------------

For the first time in his life, Ranma Saotome was almost grateful 
that Tatewaki Kuno was a suicidal idiot.

"Do not fear, my fair maiden! Come, leap into my bountiful arms!!"

"..."

At least until he realized that the arrogant upperclassman was trying to hit on his wife.

"Kuno...."

Major Testosterone rallied. 

"Oh," Tsuruko blinked as she suddenly found herself holding only Ranma's empty shirt in her hands.

"...You..."

Corporal Punishment commenced.

"...ASSHOLE!!!"

*BOOT TO DA NADS*

"Ooo....that...did not...hurt...you know."

Tatewaki's words would have carried more weight had he not been down on his knees 
clutching himself with both hands. His face had gone chalky white from the 
no-holds-barred impact.

The shadowed face of the pigtailed martial artist was lit only by an eerie red gleam 
from where his eyes were normally visible. The Demonic Avatar of Husbandly Wrath seized 
the target of his ire by the collar and lifted him up so that they were face to face.

"You want to hit on Akane, fine. She's old enough to make her 
own mistakes. BUT THOU SHALT NOT COVET MY WIFE!!!"

This was accompanied by a through shaking of the kendo boy's neck.

A part of Ranma's mind wondered just what the hell he was doing. Another part really
didn't care, since when did he need a reason to hurt Kuno? But the part that was in
charge at the moment was mainly concerned with trying to wring the kendoist's scrawny 
neck, literally.


"Don't worry Master Kuno! I, your faithful servant Sasuke, shall save you!"

Ranma grunted and lifted Kuno's body up to block the incoming swarm of shuriken.
Tatewaki bucked and groaned as dozens of needle-sharp points lodged firmly into 
his back.

"That-did-not-hurt...."

"Master Kuno!!"

The mousy ninja clapped both hands to the sides of his face, his expression expressing 
horror at what he'd inadvertently done.

Ranma grunted again and hoisted up the upperclassman again to intercept 
the barbell rocketing towards his head. Akane swore in an unladylike manner
at seeing her missile deflect off of Kuno's head. 

'You JERK!!"

"That...did..n-not..."

"RANMA!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT AKANE LIKE THAT?! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"

The pigtailed boy swung his improvised human shield about to absorb the array 
of spinning bandanas coming in from his flank. 

"...mommy!!"

The watching students all winced in unwilling sympathy.

"So you want some too, Pig-boy? Take a number and get in line!"

"WHY YOU-"

*SPLAT*

Ranma withdrew his foot from the Hibiki boy's flattened face.

"Grrrr!!"

When Ryoga swung his weighted umbrella in retaliation, the much
abused body of Tatewaki Kuno was there to stop the blow. The Lost
Boy paid no attention to him, his enraged focus completely on 
the object of his ire. He attacked again and again, while Ranma
kept blocking with the increasingly battered upperclassman.

Tsuruko laughed softly as she watched, amused by her husband's antics.

"Aren't you going to help him," Nabiki asked her quizzically.

"Now why would I do that? He looks like he's enjoying himself."

--------------------------------

Kuno's head rattled as yet another blow from Ryoga impacted it.

Ranma noticed that he was mumbling something but didn't pay any 
attention to it as he had more important things to worry about
at the moment and the bokken boy's words kept getting interrupted
by Ryoga's punches and kicks.

At least until he heard him mutter, "...eyes...Demon..."

That got his attention really fast.

"SAOTOME YOU COWA-"

*BOOT TO DA HEAD*

"Ow! You booted me in the head!!"

Having bought himself a little breather, Ranma swung the now 
semi-conscious human shield around and lifted his lolling head up.

"What did you say, Kuno?! Spill it!!"

General Alarm sounded in the anxious young man's head.
He must have heard wrong, there was no way that even 
Kuno should have been able to afford-

"eYes...of thE dEmOn!!Ahahahahahaha!!!"

Ranma's heart turned to ice as he hastily dropped the upperclassman 
as if the diabolically laughing figure had suddenly turned radioactive. 

"You idiot....what have you done," He whispered in a tone of pure horror.

No wonder they had been able to find him. 

"Dog of a thousand kitchen slatterns...now you face the wrath of the Heavens and Hell!!"

Amazed as always by Kuno's unnatural recovery time from physical damage,
Akane was surprised to see the normally confident pigtailed boy stumble
back away from Tatewaki with a look of terror on his face.

It reminded her of something. Now what was it?

"Don't you turn your back on me, Saotome!!"

Sweet Ryoga's battlecry interrupted her chain of thought. Oh, she wished that 
he hadn't done that. Even if that womanizing jerk did deserve a beating this time.

But it was almost on the tip of her tongue...

"Oh! I've got it!!"

The pigtailed boy had had that same expression on his face when he'd first seen Tsuruko-

Three shots rang out.

---------------------

The sound of an M40A1 firing three rounds in quick succession let
Ranma know the jig was finally up. The young man reached for the sky 
as Kuno, Sasuke and Ryoga all hit the ground. He ignored the general panic 
as Akane, Nabiki and the rest of the school rushed to find cover 
from the shooter. As if that would do any good against the caliber 
of skill that was here now.

"Don't shoot! I surrender!!"

Frantically he looked around for the petite burka clad sniper 
he knew must be around somewhere. But despite his best efforts
he couldn't find any trace of her. He did notice though, 
that his second wife looked serene and unworried. 

She probably wasn't worried about the competition after all-!!!

"Well this brings back memories, doesn't it...Darling."

Ranma stared. He couldn't help himself. Where he had expected to find 
a homicidal camouflaged lolita with chilling eyes that froze the blood 
in your veins, he was instead confronted by a tall panther of a woman
covered by a neutral tan burka perched on the school wall. Her rifle
was still in hand and those eyes....they were the same as-

"Cat got your tongue, Sweetie?"

His jaw dropped.

"Ma-Mana?!"

The gunslinging young woman pulled off the concealing tentlike garment
to reveal her features at last. Ranma's brain went into a meltdown
as he finally got a good look at his third wife for the first time
in three years.

Long sleek legs that seemed to go on forever, her tight dark camo body suit
leaving little doubt that the thin little girl he'd remembered had definitely 
grown up and out. And she had-

"Duh-big-boob-but-breasts-how?! Buh-big! Breasts!? But was little-big-small-big-BIG!?"

With a visible effort he wrenched his gaze further up from the mind destroying sight
of the smirking girl's prominent attributes to focus on her face. But when his eyes
finally met hers, Ranma realized he probably would have been much better off simply 
staring dumbfoundedly at her chest. The cuteness of the wolfish waif had been replaced 
with a sharply exotic face entering the full bloom of womanhood. A beauty that kings 
and princes in ages past would have gone to war over and gladly spilled their blood 
for the mere promise of a smile. And she was smiling at him.

General Major Control attempted to impose emergency order. But the traitorous 
Private Parts mutineed and stood at attention as it sensed one of the true mistresses
would soon be in control of the situation. The young man's mouth went bone dry
as he realized his rising predicament. 

Yeah, he was totally fucked now.

---------------------

Cautiously, Akane peered up from where she'd dived for cover.
The sight of a tall dark tanned foreign beauty toting a rifle
and smiling at a flabbergasted Ranma met her eyes. For once 
in her life, Akane Tendo leaped to the correct logical conclusion 
about what she was seeing.

"ANOTHER ONE," she shrieked in disbelief.

How did he do it? Every single time she thought he couldn't get more perverted,
there he was, proving her wrong. It was as if there was a 24 hour party being 
held in the Saotome boy's pants and she was the only one not invited.

"You...you MANWHORE!!"

---------------------

Ignoring the increasingly obscene hail of insults going into exquisite detail about
his gender, intelligence and virtue (or lack thereof) being thrown his way by 
the outraged youngest Tendo, Ranma kept all of his attention focused on the youngest
and most volatile of his wives as if his life depended on it. 

It probably did.

He was fairly certain that she, unlike Tsuruko, hadn't forgiven him yet. 
But fuck, a guy had to have *some* principles if he wanted to be able 
to look at himself in a mirror. 

"S-So how's business? Still making a killing?"

Ranma winced before the last words escaped his constricting throat.
Oh that was really smooth, maybe if he shoved his foot into his mouth 
a little more he could shut himself up before he could do anything else
to make things worse.

Mana simply nodded, her smile unchanging.

The young man broke out into a cold sweat, seeing out of the corner of his eye
that Tsuruko obviously wasn't going to lift a finger to help him. She had her
own bone she wanted to pick out and grind down from him. Why, oh why, had his 
stupid little soldier picked *now* of all times to present arms? 

"Um, you're not still mad about *that*, are you?"

The young woman whipped out one of the dual matching Desert Eagles 
in her thigh holsters with her right hand and took aim.

"Not anymore," Mana said simply.

Then she shot him in the head.

*KER-POW*

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Akane shrieked like a little girl as she saw her fiance gunned down in cold 
blood before her eyes. At least until she realized that there wasn't any
blood flying, spilling or otherwise making its presence known anywhere.

"Huh?"

What was going on here? Shouldn't his head have exploded like in the movies?
And why was that strange psycho walking towards the body? For that matter,
why did that Tsuruko person look so damn irritatingly calm about all of this?
Shouldn't she care that her supposed 'husband' had been shot like that in
front of her? Shouldn't the woman be doing something? It wasn't like she herself
was going to stick her neck out for that worthless...

Akane ducked her head as the stranger's eerie golden eyes turned her way.

Martial artist she might be, but crazy enough to get in the way 
of a probable nutcase packing firearms?

Not a chance.

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