[FFML] [Mai Hime] Under a Barrel

[john at biles.us]

Under a Barrel

By John Biles

Series:  Mai Hime (distant aftermath)

*****************


	Coming home from school is always 
messy, especially at the end of the school year.  
It's not that I have bad parents, even if they are 
completely insane, but it's all the strange 
family rituals I have to survive.  This is why I 
never bring friends home with me if I can help 
it, as I'd like to keep as normal a reputation as 
I can.

	Which is close to impossible if anyone 
ever meets my family.  Which tends to get in 
the way, sometimes, of making friends, though 
less so since I started going to a boarding 
school.

	All is peaceful and quiet as I approach 
the house; much to my surprise, Dad's car is 
here but not Mom's.  That's very unusual at 
this time of day.  No motorcycle either.  
Which COULD mean that she's lurking in 
ambush or it could mean she's really not here.  
Which I frankly don't trust to be the case, as 
it's very rare that they know to expect me and 
there's no ambush.

	I planned for this; I plan for everything, 
whether it works or not.  That's why, when I 
got off the bus, I slung my foil at my hip 
instead of keeping it in its case.  

	Oh god, DAD IS HOME.  If he breaks 
another of my foils, I'm going to be pissed and 
HE is paying for it.  A double ambush...

	I scan the street.  Any unusual cars?  
Who does that Celica three doors down 
belong to?  The Takayamas would never buy a 
Honda again.  Or so I thought...

	Motorcycles...no cycles.  Not really much 
in the way of cars out of place, only I can 
hardly remember what everyone had, so 
maybe I forgot one.

	Dammit, they weren't supposed to get 
clever on me.  Now I don't know what the hell 
to expect.

	WHY IS DAD NOT AT WORK????

	But wait...just because his car is 
here...maybe he carpools now, or he took the 
motorcycle or Mom drove him...she's not here.

	Too much paranoia.  I'm going in.  I 
scooped the key into my left hand, sword 
already drawn in my right, hoping that one of 
my other relatives isn't lurking somewhere, 
spying on me.

	I kick the door open.  "I'm home!" I shout 
loudly, then step halfway into the door, then 
jump back.  Not good enough to draw anyone 
out.  I can see the front door closet and part of 
the living room.  She could be behind the 
couch.  Or around the corner.

	I toss my suitcase down the length of the 
wall; sudden movement may draw her out.

	Or it may just pointlessly bash up my 
suitcase.  

	"Hello, anyone home?" I shout.

	Distantly, I hear Dad shout down from 
the second floor, "I'm in my office, honey!  
There's tea and coke in the fridge if you're 
thirsty."  

	Dad working at home?  I'm stunned; I 
thought he was mystically chained to his 
office or something.  Mom keeps bugging him 
to work from home some, but...then again, 
today is THAT day, so that's probably why.  
At least he's unlikely to ambush me after 
announcing his position.

	A quick sweep reveals a distinct lack of 
ambushing in the living room or the kitchen.  
"Where's Auntie?" I shouted up to Dad.

	"They've gone shopping for stuff for no 
reason but to make me bankrupt," he shouted 
down.  

	I laughed.  That's my dad.  "If they'd 
waited, I could have helped bankrupt you!"

	"That's why I told them to get up early to 
beat the rush!"

	I laughed again, set my sword down on 
the counter between the living room and the 
kitchen (There's a large window and serving 
counter connecting them, you see.), and then I 
got a glass and poured myself some coke.

	That's when I felt the blade tips pressed 
between my ribs and a voice whispered into 
my ear, "You are already dead."

	I used to always spill all my drinks on 
myself when she did that, but I just laughed 
ruefully this time.  "You win again, Aunt 
Akira."

	She tossed the swords aside and hugged 
me.  "I thought you'd be lonely if no one 
ambushed you."

	"Really, I wouldn't have minded skipping 
that," I told her.

	Aunt Akira looked the same as ever, 
other than wearing golden Saturn earrings 
with a rather large emerald in each.  It was her 
only concession to femininity beyond a little 
makeup; she wore blue jeans and a t-shirt with 
grass stains on it.  I was a little surprised at 
that; she wears a lot of t-shirts, but not dirty 
ones.  

	"You been working outside?" I asked her.  
"And where were you?"

	"The closet," she said.

	DAMMIT, I thought.  I always forget 
someone can fit in there if they're crazy 
nimble like Auntie or Aunt Akira.

	"Is Uncle Takumi here?" I asked.  I 
hoped so, as he's the designated sane person.  

	"We're taking care of some yardwork 
your father never gets around to," she said, 
with her judgemental tone of voice.

	"I was going to do it this weekend!" he 
yelled down.

	I still can't figure out how Dad can hear 
everything down here from his office upstairs.  
Unless we WANT him to hear it.  Then he's 
deafer than a century old man.

	"Anyway, your mother asked me to do 
your inspection this year, as she has a huge 
amount of errands to run," Aunt Akira said.

	The inspection.  This thing would irritate 
me way less if someone would just tell me 
what the hell they're looking for.  I've tried 
raiding medical books, but I honestly can't 
find anything.  And they only seem to do it 
this time of year.  

	I sighed.  "Do we have to?  I mean, not 
that I care if you see me naked, but no one 
will even tell me why you do this."

	She's going to tell me I'm not old enough.  
They all tell me that.  It pisses me off.  I'm 
sixteen!  I could get married, but they won't 
even tell me why they have to search me.  It 
can't be worries about drugs, as they did this 
when I was way too young to search for drugs.

	For a moment, I wondered if maybe they 
were afraid of me joining the Yakuza...no, 
even for my family, that would be a crazy 
thing to fear.  Me?  In the Yakuza?  No way.

	"You're not old enough yet," Akira said.

	"Dammit, when AM I going to be old 
enough?" I demanded.  "You don't do this to 
Shun!"  I paused.  "Hey, is Shun here?"

	"He's helping his father outside," Akira 
said.  Her voice was level.  "Your mother 
wants it this way.  As for Shun, that is 
between his father and myself."  I could feel 
the wall coming up.  Aunt Akira closes off 
really easily, and you have to coax her into 
coming out of stone-cold mode, which can 
take forever.

	Well, Shun will help me.  He takes more 
after his father than his mother, most of the 
time, thankfully.  Not that I don't love Aunt 
Akira, but she can be hard to deal with.  It's no 
wonder she married someone as mellow as 
Uncle Takumi.

	"Okay, let's go up to my room," I said, 
sighing.

	She walked with me quietly upstairs to 
my room; as usual, Mom had neatened it to 
death, so it would take me forever to find 
anything.  I pulled the blinds and started 
tossing clothing on the bed.  

	"You look so much like your mother did 
at your age, Crystal," Aunt Akira said.

	Don't ask me why my folks gave me a 
non-Japanese name.  It's given me nothing but 
grief; I thought about changing it, but by now, 
I've been hassled about it so much by people 
that I'd rather give them the finger by keeping 
it.  At least no one ever forgets it.  

	"Yeah, everyone says that, though I'm 
blonde, like Dad."  I got Mom's breasts, 
anyway.  Which are useful for snaring men 
and not so useful for anything athletic.  I can 
see why Mom would be a couch potato if Dad 
didn't make her exercise with him.  Having 
them flap around in the middle of some game 
is a pain in the ass.

	I stood naked, while she carefully 
checked every inch of me.  "Next time, I'm 
going to demand that whoever searches me 
gets naked."

	Aunt Akira paused in the middle of 
searching my back and kicked the door shut.  I 
suddenly felt embarrassed that I'd stupidly left 
the door open.  Dad might have wandered by, 
and...well, he's Dad, but it's the principle of 
the thing.  It's always a woman who checks me 
out for this...anyway.

	Then she started stripping, which 
surprised the hell out of me.  Aunt Akira 
typically shows as little skin as possible 
beyond maybe forearms, neck, and face.  
Sometimes, she wears shorts.  But that's it.

	I'd never seen her naked before.  She's 
skinny as hell.  I'm all curves, more than I 
want, she barely has any.  At least in 
comparison to me.

	Not that I'm bragging.

	"Tell me if you see anything unusual," 
she said.

	I froze.  The hell?  What the hell am I 
supposed to be looking for, anyway?  I studied 
her anyway, feeling rather intensely 
uncomfortable, more so than her looking at 
me, where I at least knew my half of the drill.

	"Your feet look kind of greasy and there's 
a rash," I said hesitantly.

	"Poison Ivy and dried lotion," she said.  
"Check my back."

	I checked her back again.  It looked 
perfectly normal, other than a long scar, which 
I instinctively traced with a finger as she 
squirmed.  "Sorry, Aunt Akira," I said.  "I 
just...I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have done that."

	"Just the scar?" she asked, hesitantly, like 
she was afraid of the answer.

	"Let's see...tattoo that says 'If you can 
read this, you're too close'." 

	"WHAT?"  She squirmed around, trying 
to look at her back in my wall mirror.

	"That's a joke," I said.

	"..."  Few things are funnier looking than 
those rare moments where Aunt Akira is 
completely flummoxed.

	I began to laugh.  "How could you have 
gotten a tattoo on your back without knowing 
it?"

	"You'd be surprised," she mumbled.  

	I finished checking her over.  "You are, 
so far as I can tell, free of alien life forms 
clinging to your skin and controlling you or 
whatever exactly we're looking for."

	"Get dressed," she said, and started 
getting dressed.

	"So when do I get to find out whatever 
the hell you all are looking for?" I asked as I 
got dressed.

	"That's up to your mother and father and 
Aunt Mikoto, if they let her have a vote," 
Aunt Akira said, sounding just a little 
aggravated.  At least she wasn't being all 
frosty.

	They would.  Given they are both 
shagging her.  Or at least, I'm pretty damn sure 
my parents have a freaky relationship with my 
aunt.  Either that, or they draw the boundaries 
of affection a lot broader than most people.  
Though her not being a blood relative does at 
least dial the freakiness down some.  I call her 
Aunt Mikoto, but then, I have a small army of 
'aunts' and 'uncles', none of which are blood-
related, but all of whom...they have some joint 
secret, and us kids are not privy to it.  Yet, 
anyway.

	Sometimes I wonder if they all made a 
blood-pact with a demon that we'll all be 
initiated into when we grow up.  They're all 
too young looking for their ages, some more 
than others.  From the old pics, I don't think 
Aunt Miyu has aged A DAY.  Aunt Midori 
insists she's twenty-nine, even though she 
ought to be in her forties.  But somehow, she 
can pull it off with her looks.  My parents 
don't look much older than her, neither do 
Aunt Akira or Uncle Takumi.  I mean, well, I 
don't know what I mean.

	I sometimes wonder if I'll eventually look 
older than they do.  My cousins and 'cousins' 
and I are all aging normally.  I think.

	Maybe I'm just imagining things.  We're 
all pretty healthy and fit, and I think that tends 
to retard aging, or at least the running down 
part of aging.

	I just don't know, but I wish they would 
TELL ME.

	On the way back downstairs once I was 
dressed, I went into the office and gave Dad a 
hug, ruffling his messy hair.  He claims it's a 
hairstyle, but I think we all know better--it's 
the total ABSENCE of a hair style.  "Whatcha 
working on?"

	"Trying to put together a proposal for a 
new purchasing deal after our first offer to 
Shinobi Robotics fell through," he said.  
"Genom's making them a counter offer and I 
have to find some way to beat it without 
bankrupting ourselves."

	I frowned.  "Competition in that market's 
getting pretty tight, right?"

	Dad looked surprised, then pleased.  He'd 
never know I went and read up on some 
business news just to try and impress him; I 
love Dad, but we have different interests for 
the most part.  Beyond sword-fighting, but I 
had to pick that up as a survival skill in this 
house.  (Even if Mom wishes it wasn't that 
way.)  But I thought this would impress him; 
looks like I'm right.  "Exactly," he said.  
"There's a huge demand, but many companies 
are behind in the tech race; so the three big 
companies are snapping them up.  Well, 
there's also the American competition, but US 
Robots seems preoccupied with other matters, 
thankfully."

	We gabbled on about business matters 
for a bit longer until I felt I'd used up my 
research (for once, everything went according 
to the plan, WOOT!), then I headed down to 
find Uncle Takumi and Shun.

	Shun was busy digging up part of the 
garden, his long pale green hair flopping 
about in the breeze; his hair is way longer than 
mine; it always has been.  Shun's more 
feminine looking than either of his parents; 
most guys would hate it, but he seems to find 
it amusing.  

	Uncle Takumi was kneeling nearby, 
trying to get a shrub to fit into the hole Shun 
had dug for it.  I strode over and grabbed a 
spade and enlarged the whole.  "Hi, Uncle 
Takumi, Shun."

	Uncle Takumi smiled his gentle smile 
and pushed his bangs back.  He really needs to 
trim them more often.  They're always getting 
in his eyes.  "Hi, Crystal.  How are you?"

	"I passed muster as not possessed by evil 
skin rashes or alien parasites," I told him.  He 
frowned a moment and then his smile came 
back.  "But your wife nailed me with an 
ambush."

	He looked around.  "Where is she?"

	"Probably lying in ambush for Aunt 
Mikoto, I guess," I told him, helping him fit 
the bush into the hole.  "You ought to measure 
out the hole you'll need first."

	"Takes too long," he said.

	"But then you just end up having to 
spend extra time enlarging it anyway," I told 
him.

	"Usually, Dad just crams it into the hole 
somehow anyway," Shun said, laughing a 
little.  "So Mom got you too?"

	"Yeah," I told him.  "How did you get 
home so fast?  If I'd known you were coming 
here, I'd have come with you from school."  
Shun and I both attend the Rosewind 
Academy, along with most of the rest of our 
'cousins'.  

	"Mom came and got me right after exams 
ended; you didn't leave until this morning, 
right?"

	"Ahh," I said, grabbing a rose bush and 
trying to fit it into another of Shun's holes.  
"Well, if I'd known..."

	He waved his hands.  "Hey, no one told 
me until this morning, when Dad dragged me 
out of bed."

	"Early bird gets the worm," Uncle 
Takumi said, standing over the wheelbarrow.  
He finally plucked out several flowers in very 
small pots and began placing them.  

	"So why aren't you at work, Uncle 
Takumi?" I asked.

	"I'm taking some time off; we're going to 
take a little family vacation while Shun is on 
break," Takumi said.  "And my sister begged 
me to come take care of the garden before..."

	Dad yelled out the window, "I WAS 
GOING TO DO IT THIS WEEKEND."

	That's my Dad.

	Uncle Takumi grinned.  He whispered, 
"Some things never change."

	"Was he always so much of a 
procrastinator?" I whispered back.

	"Opposites attract, as they say," Uncle 
Takumi said.  "So, you been seeing anyone?"

	"Not lately.  I dumped Taiki because he 
was too much of a drone in the making," I said 
as I carefully packed dirt around the base of 
another bush.  "You guys staying for dinner?"

	"Yes, we're going to stay here overnight 
and tomorrow, then head off the morning after 
that," Uncle Takumi said.  "Also, I think 
Midori-sensei and Dan-kun and Natsuki-kun 
and Shizuru-san will be here.  And Natsuki's 
boyfriend of the month...whatever his name 
is."

	"Roger Smith," Shun said.  He's usually 
up on the family gossip.  He and Natasha 
seem to have a rivalry to see who can dig up 
the most dirt.  Natasha is another one of our 
'cousins', Aunt Shiho's kid.  Only half as crazy 
as her mother.  

	Aunt Midori and Aunt Natsuki are cool.  
Aunt Shizuru...I dunno.  Something happened, 
and everyone's always a little on edge around 
her, it seems like to me.  She's so sweet and 
kind, but it seems kinda almost desperate at 
times.  
	
	"Any chance of Aunt Haruka showing?"  
She's a ton of fun, especially once she gets 
drunk and Aunt Yukino has to try to restrain 
her, which is like watching a spider trying to 
restrain a bear.  

	"Too busy taking over the world," Uncle 
Takumi said, laughing.  "And Reito is off on a 
business trip again, as usual."

	She isn't REALLY taking over the world, 
but she is knee-deep in politics and big 
business at the same time, so we don't see her 
much.

	That being said, I won't be surprised if 
she DOES take over the world.  Probably 
better she not come; she and Aunt Shizuru 
bicker too much.

	"Well, our house gets too crowded, 
anyway, if everyone comes," I said.

	"Putting us all in one place at once would 
just be asking for trouble," Uncle Takumi 
said.

	I can't tell if he accidentally gives these 
hints or if he does it just to drive me crazy.  

	Shun gave me a glance which I think 
meant 'try to draw him out'.  Maybe if I had a 
few hours to plan my response, but I'm just 
not very subtle.

	"Well, the world didn't end when you 
were all together at school, did it?" I asked 
him.  I've tried looking up that school, but all 
you can find about it are bland platitudes and 
propaganda.

	He slumped in on himself, leaning 
forward on the spade in his hand.  "No, it 
didn't," he said, but it sounded like 'yes, it did, 
but I can't tell you', to me.  Though I would 
think if the world DID end, surely someone 
would have noticed.

	"Pass me the violets," he said, deflecting 
the subject.

	Maybe I can get someone drunk and 
squeeze something out of them tonight, I 
thought.  Worth a shot.

*************
	
	Much later, we were just about done 
when I heard the sound of running feet.  I 
knew what that meant, especially when they 
suddenly stopped a fair distance away.  I 
leaped over, grabbed Shun's shovel, and spun 
to one side.  

	Aunt Mikoto's first strike landed where I 
had been.  I gave ground, parrying the next 
four.  We slowly circled the yard, while Uncle 
Takumi shook his head and began cleaning up 
the gardening equipment.  I finally got in a 
counterattack, but she just flipped over me to 
stab me in the back.  She would have gotten 
me, but there was a blur from above, and Dad 
dropped down, parrying the blow with one of 
his practice swords.  "It's on, is it?" he said, 
grinning.

	Sometimes, you just have to go with the 
flow.  The lunacy around here makes me crazy 
sometimes, but other times, it can be fun.  
"IT'S ON!" I shouted, moving to flank Aunt 
Mikoto to the left while Dad moved to her 
right.  Now we drove her back, laughing, as 
she giggled.

	"Well, at least they aren't destroying the 
living room this time," Uncle Takumi said to 
Shun.

	"We're in no place to talk," Shun said, 
laughing himself.

	Then I heard more footsteps.  Here 
comes Aunt Akira, I thought.  I let her get 
close, then dropped low and spun, going for 
her legs.  She leaped over my blow 
awkwardly, crashing into Father; she poked 
him in the side, but he elbowed her in the gut.  
They tumbled and rolled, then faced off, two 
short swords against his longer one.

	This left me to face Aunt Mikoto alone.  I 
wish I could call that a fair fight, but I think 
we all know better than that.

	She pressed me back across the yard and 
almost pinned me against the fence, until I 
shouted, "Nice bikini, Mom!"

	Aunt Mikoto turned to look; she's so 
weirdly gullible about some things.  Mom 
was, in fact, nowhere to be seen, and soon, I 
slipped out of the trap and ran.  Aunt Mikoto 
came after me; she runs like some kind of 
weird cat-gorilla thing.  I've tried to do it, and 
I can't even figure out how she does it.  But 
damn, she's fast.

	I dodged one powerful thrust by leaping 
up into a tree, but that was a mistake; Aunt 
Mikoto is MORE deadly in the underbrush.  
She managed to grab my foot and I had to 
throw myself out of the tree to have any hope 
of escape.  

	We tumbled to the ground and she stood 
over me, grinning fiendishly, about to give the 
master stroke, when I heard Aunt Natsuki 
shout, "Dhuran, NO!"

	Then a German Shepard the size of a 
mountain...well, a hill...just a big dog...threw 
itself at Aunt Mikoto, driving her back up into 
the tree.  

	I grinned.  "Good doggie."  

	I rose as Aunt Natsuki ran up to me.  
"You okay, Crystal?  Dhuran's a good boy, but 
he's so enthusiastic."

	"I'm fine; he jumped over me."  I let her 
help me up and I then gave her a hug.  She 
was wearing her motorcycle outfit, so I had to 
ask, "How did you get Dhuran here on your 
motorcycle?"

	"Roger brought him," she said.  "Shizuru 
and I got drafted as slave labor by your 
mother, so we'll be here a few days and I 
couldn't find a kennel I trusted for him."

	'Slave labor'.  Dammit, why does Mom 
always have to put me to work every time I 
come home on vacation?  Can't the furniture 
get moved some other time?  Maybe I'm being 
selfish, but it makes me crazy.

	Dad and Aunt Akira danced past us, still 
locked in combat, while Dhuran began 
vigorously barking at Aunt Mikoto, who 
lurked on a high branch, somehow clinging to 
it with her toes.  Shun finally came over and 
grasped Dhuran to try and pull him away, only 
to end up being dragged around the yard by 
Dhuran while Uncle Takumi tried to help stop 
him.

	"So this Roger is your new boyfriend, 
right?" I asked Aunt Natsuki.

	"Roger Smith.  He's a negotiator," 
Natsuki said.  "We met while he was dealing 
with one of my clients."  Aunt Natsuki is a 
bodyguard.  

	"That's not some kind of conflict of 
interest issue, is it?" I asked.  I'm never sure 
how those things work, but Dad, some days, 
can't go 20 minutes without using the phrase.

	"It's fine," Natsuki said.  "We're in 
different lines of work, really.  I'm a 
bodyguard, not a negotiator."

	"Honey, aren't you supposed to be 
finishing your work so you can help us 
tomorrow?" Mom shouted from the back door.  
She was about as dressed up as when she 
works, which is to say, pretty dressed up.  She 
and Aunt Mikoto, who never wears anything 
formal except at gunpoint, must have made 
quite a pair at the mall.  Or wherever they 
went.

	"Just taking a little break, dear," Dad 
said, ducking under one of Aunt Akira's 
slashes, only to get poked with her other 
sword.  "When 'It's On,' 'It's On', you know."

	She frowned.  Mom doesn't like violence.  
Why exactly she has two sword-fighting 
freaks as lovers despite that, I don't entirely 
understand.  "Crystal, come inside and get 
cleaned up.  You need to help me cook."

	"Can't Aunt Shizuru help you?" I yelled.  

	"Her slave labor starts tomorrow, but 
tonight, she's a guest," Mom said.

	That's my Mom.  It's all got to go 
according to the plan, or she gets flustered and 
irritable.  And you really don't want to be 
around when she loses her temper.

	"Better save Shun, Aunt Natsuki," I said 
to her, then ran inside to the kitchen, listening 
to the continued sounds of violence and frisky 
dog.

	Mom shook her head and pointed me to a 
pile of vegetables.  "Hack them into little 
bits," she told me, so I washed my hands and 
went to work.  

	"So what ARE we doing tomorrow?" I 
asked.

	"I bought a load of new furniture.  We've 
got to remove the old stuff to the storage unit 
and move the new stuff in when it arrives in 
the morning.  Then we have to move some 
other stuff around.  I hired professionals to do 
the new wallpaper, but I think you'll be back 
in school before they come," Mom said.  She 
was busy prepping the meat; looked like one 
of her weird chicken / beef / pork all come to 
live together things again tonight.

	I don't mind; they're good, but they're a 
lot of work.

	"Redecorating?  Again?"  It seems like 
Mom redecorates every five minutes.

	"It's been two years.  That's long 
enough," she said.

	My parents make too much money for 
their own good, I think.  At least Mom doesn't 
waste it on antique swords which will never 
actually be used.  Unlike some relatives I 
could name.

	Admittedly, the last redecoration had to 
happen after Dad, my aunts, and I kind of 
trashed the living room completely.  I tried to 
make them stop, but once we all get into it, it's 
like some kind of madness.  

	"And at the rate things are going, all this 
furniture will be broken by dawn."  Mom 
sighed.

	From the living room, Aunt Shizuru said, 
"You have my assurance that I will not 
contribute to breaking the furniture."  Like 
Mom, she's pretty pacific.  But more...I dunno 
the right word.  I get that feeling she's got 
wounds from it.  Mom too, but more than 
Mom.  She's more... fervent.  Mom's not 
socially conscious enough to be a peace 
activist like Aunt Shizuru.  Though the fact 
that Aunt Shizuru got a huge inheritance and 
can do whatever the hell she wants probably 
makes it easier too.  

	"Or I," Roger Smith said.  His Japanese 
was a little wobbly, but he looked like a 
smooth operator to me.  And rather handsome 
and dignified.  But I'm not going to think 
about that, as he's at least twice my age and 
taken.  Dammit.

	"Thank you.  Would either of you like 
more tea?" Mom asked them.

	"Yes, please," Roger Smith said.

	"I'll get it," Aunt Shizuru said.  She came 
into the kitchen and got the teapot off its 
warmer.  

	"You don't have to," Mom said.

	"Oh, I insist," Aunt Shizuru said.  
"Please, let me help."  Her voice was calm, but 
there was just...that something.  

	"Of course," Mom said, smiling.  "I'm 
just trying to be a good hostess."

	"You're a very good hostess, and always 
kind to your guests," Aunt Shizuru said, 
patting her hand, her voice more sincerely 
warm.  "I envy you that."  And then she turned 
and went to pour Mr. Smith some more tea; 
they lapsed back into small talk I could barely 
hear.

	I glanced over at Mom; she had a face 
full of calm.  I wasn't sure if it was real calm 
or 'I'm going to hide my emotions again', 
which she sometimes does.  Mom has a hard 
time delegating work to others.  Except when 
it comes to putting me to work on my 
vacations.

	"Did my sister..." Mom began.  She 
always refers to Aunt Akira as her sister.  
Sometimes, she calls the rest of my aunts 
sister too, usually when she gets emotional.  
But if she doesn't add a name, it's Akira.  

	"Yes.  I am free of evil and skin rashes," I 
told her.  "She's got poison ivy on her feet, 
though."

	"Did you tell her not to scratch it?" Mom 
asked as she chopped meat.

	"I'm not exactly a medical authority, 
Mom," I told her.  "I'm sure she knows by her 
age to not scratch it."  Yeah, Aunt Akira 
would take me telling her what to do with her 
injuries REAL well, Mom.

	"So when do I get to know the secrets of 
the universe?" I asked.  I always ask, even 
knowing it's probably futile.

	"Not yet," she said.  Possibly on auto-
pilot.  I think she's hoping nothing will ever 
happen and she'll never have to talk about it.  
Never mind that I will likely go crazy and go 
on some sort of axe-rampage long before then.

	"Do I even get to know when I get to 
know?"

	"When you're older."

	"Mom..." I began.  I should know better 
than to press the point by now.  But I can't 
help it.  Clearly, there's something dangerous 
behind all this.  SO WHY WON'T THEY 
TELL ME?  

	Mom glanced out into the living room, 
then very softly and tensely said, "Not now, 
new topic."  Louder, she said, "So do you 
think you did well on your finals?"

	It then hit me that Mr. Smith was within 
earshot, and if she wouldn't tell me, she sure 
as hell wouldn't tell one of Aunt Natsuki's 
disposable men.

	Okay, that's too cruel.  Slightly.

	It's just that none of them ever last more 
than a few months.  I've noticed that none of 
my aunts or uncles ever manage to hold onto 
anyone they weren't dating when I was little.  
Or in other words, anyone not part of the 
family secret.  

	Probably, I would guess, the boyfriends 
eventually figure out there's something they're 
not privy to, and once they don't get told, they 
decide it's safer to bail.  Also, Aunt Natsuki 
has a temper, sometimes.

	Part of me was tempted to just push the 
point, but for the sake of Aunt Natsuki, I kept 
my tongue.  "Phys. Ed, English, Math, 
Literature, I nailed those.  Everything else, 
kind of mediocre.  History, I bombed like 
crazy, since it is BOOOOORING."

	Dan and his mom, Aunt Midori, always 
get mad at me when I say that, but it's the 
simple truth.  History is just a bunch of stupid 
old people killing each other for no reason.  It 
just doesn't matter to my life.  Live in the 
present, people.

	There was gentle laughter from the living 
room.  "I never liked history either," Roger 
confessed.  A definite point in his favor.  

	"Those who do not know the past are 
doomed to repeat it," Aunt Shizuru said 
sharply, surprising me.  "You cannot 
understand the now with knowing what led to 
it."  I hadn't heard her get this harsh since 
when I was nine and Natasha and I sort of 
smashed three of her vases into small bits for 
basically no reason.  (Using them to play 
horseshoes with...I can't even imagine now 
why we thought that was wise.)

	"True," Roger said.  "But in most cases, 
things which happened hundreds of years ago 
don't have any impact on today."

	I could see Mom whack a chicken breast 
with her knife hard enough that one end flew 
up and whacked me in the face before I could 
stop it.  Aunt Shizuru said frostily, "Even the 
ancient past has been known to come around 
and catch people unprepared."

	I tried to assess how much of this was the 
way Aunt Shizuru usually doesn't like any of 
Aunt Natsuki's boyfriends and how much was 
some nerve getting hit.  Aunt Natsuki and 
Aunt Shizuru...I think they were lovers at 
some point in the past, then broke up.  They 
can't stay away from each other, but they can't 
quite get it together, either.  I hope I never end 
up like that.

	Loudly, Mother said, "Anyone seen a 
weather report?  Tomorrow will be terrible if 
it rains."

	"I don't know, but let's check," Roger 
said.  I think he was grateful to Mom for 
bailing him out.  He turned on the TV and 
everyone let the TV do the talking for a while.

*************

	Shun and Aunt Natsuki and I were 
playing frisbee in the backyard while the food 
cooked.  "You should ask your boyfriend to 
come out before Aunt Shizuru kills and eats 
him," I told her.

	Natsuki froze for just a second, then 
laughed.  "Well, we'll see."

	She went inside to get him and I asked 
Shun, "So what do you think of him?"

	"He's less of a gorilla than most of them," 
Shun said.  "Could mean she's ready to finally 
move on, or it may just be that he hides his 
fangs well."

 	I nodded.

	We were still playing frisbee when the 
back door opened and Dan ambled out.  He's a 
tall skinny redhead, Midori's son.  He takes 
more after his mom, than his dad, who is this 
suicidal archaeologist who is, I think, a lot 
older than Midori. Or maybe he just shows his 
age.  Given his absence, I assumed he was off 
on a dig.

	"Hey!  Can I join you?"

	"Of course," I said, hurling the frisbee to 
him. He caught it, spun around, and hurled it 
to Mr. Smith.  

	"You must be Mr. Smith," Dan said.

	"I'm Roger Smith, negotiator.  Nice to 
meet you."  He gave Dan a business card, on 
instinct, I assume.

	"Any chance you could negotiate me a 
way out of my flunking grade in Math?" Dan 
asked ruefully.

	"Teachers tend to be pretty hard 
bargainers," Roger Smith said, laughing, as he 
now hurled the frisbee to Aunt Natsuki.

	Aunt Natsuki caught the frisbee and spun 
it on one finger.  "You'd do better if you 
studied, Dan-kun."

	"Pot meet kettle," Dan said, grinning.

	Aunt Natsuki looked embarrassed.  From 
the stories I've heard, she was pretty 
delinquent in High School.  Dan's not so bad 
as her, but he coasts too much on his natural 
intelligence instead of studying.

	"So you're staying with us with your 
Mom?" I asked Dan as Natsuki flicked the 
frisbee to Shun, who had to dive to catch it; he 
flicked it to Roger Smith, who tossed it to me.

	"Yeah.  Gonna be crowded," he said, 
then laughed.  "Aunt Mikoto couldn't quite get 
why Shun and I couldn't just sleep in your 
room with you."

	I sometimes wonder if aliens raised Aunt 
Mikoto.  "Much as I hate to give up my nice 
soft bed, it might make more sense for you 
guys to take my room since I have the huge 
bed, while I sleep on the sofa or something."  
I'm too noble for my own good, really.

	Dan continued, "She was all 'Well, 
Shun's half-girl anyway, so they could share 
the bed, and Dan could take the floor'."  He 
started laughing.

	Shun really does look rather like a flat 
chested woman.  He also likes to crossdress to 
tease people sometimes.  Really, as our family 
goes, that's normal, I'm afraid.  

	Shun said, "'Sibling love is the purest'," 
mimicking Mikoto's voice.  He's got a talent, I 
think. 

	It was at this point I remembered Roger 
Smith was listening and noticed Aunt Natsuki 
was starting to turn red.  Sorry, Auntie, but 
you knew what you were getting into, 
bringing any of your boyfriends near us.

	"Anyway," I said, "We should..."

	"DINNER!" Mom shouted out the 
window.  

	So we headed in to eat.

*************

	The phone rang in the middle of dinner; I 
got it, being designated dinner time phone 
answerer.  I ran to the kitchen and got it.  
"Tate household.  This is Crystal."

	"Oh, hi, Crystal, how are you?"  It was 
Aunt Akane.  "I just need to know what time 
to bring the kids over tomorrow."  Aunt 
Akane and her husband have three kids; the 
oldest is Kasumi, who goes to Rosewind with 
me; the two boys are twins, and they're only 
10, and they're total brats--Keiichi and 
Katsuhito.  TOTAL BRATS.  Kasumi's a 
sweetie, but she's too much a softie like her 
mom.  

	"Slave labor begins at 8 AM," I told her.  
"Seven AM if you want to help eat Mom out 
of house and home."  More help would be 
nice, assuming anyone actually put Kasumi to 
work instead of assuming she's made of fine 
china.  Everyone always seems to think she 
and her mother might snap in twain if you put 
much stress on them.  So I was surprised they 
were coming.

	"Okay.  Your mother was so much help 
to us when we had to do the house repairs, we 
wanted to repay her," Aunt Akane told me.  I 
remembered that.  There was a hideous storm 
about four months ago and it knocked a tree 
right through the roof of Aunt Akane's house; 
she and Uncle Kazuya almost got crushed by 
the branches.  Mom, being the mad organizer 
she is, moved in and basically organized the 
entire cleanup operation and repair job for 
them.

	"Okay, more people means less work for 
me.  I'll let her know you called," I told her.

	"Did..."  She hesitated.  

	Maybe I could get something out of Aunt 
Akane.  She tends to be the weakest link, after 
all.  "I could hardly believe it when I saw it."

	I could hear her breathe catch.  "I...you 
did?  Where?"

	Hot damn, I should have thought of this a 
long time ago.  "Back," I said.  I could pretend 
to be innocently talking about the scar if I 
have to.

	"Like Akira," she mumbled.  "Did 
they...have you been told everything, then?"

	I trembled.  So close to striking gold.  So 
close.  "Aunt Akira was kind of close-
mouthed," I said.  

	"What, didn't your parents..."

	"No," I said honestly.

	She sighed.  "Well, I shouldn't say 
anything, then."  

 	Dammit, I botched things up, I thought.  
Best to cover.  "We are talking about the scar 
on Aunt Akira's back, right?"

	"Yes...you could call it that..." Aunt 
Akane mumbled.  "Well, I'll see you 
tomorrow."

	No, don't hang up, I thought.  "You..."

	Click.

	DAMMIT.

	I went back to the dinner table.  "Aunt 
Akane's coming with her kids tomorrow."

	"When you say 'kids', you mean 'just 
Kasumi', right?" Dad asked.

	"No."

	"Well, damn."

	Mother poked his arm.  "Language, 
dear."

	"Well, babysitters are expensive," Mother 
said, sighing.  "We'll just have to work past 
it."

	"Maybe we can get Dhuran to herd them 
all day," I said.  "He is a shepherd."

	Natsuki laughed.

	"Well, they can play in the yard, out of 
the way," Mother said. 

	I prayed the fence would be enough to 
contain them.

************

	I was relaxing on the back porch later 
with Dan and Shun, when I felt a shadow of 
doom come over me.  You can tell Aunt 
Midori's mood just from looking at her 
shadow, given she tends to overexaggerate 
every emotion she has.  "Here to kick my ass 
for doing badly in history?"

	She deflated a bit; beating her to her big 
speech usually helps.  "It's crucial to know the 
past!  It's the great undiscovered country for 
us to unravel!"

	"It's boring," I said flatly, partly out of 
conviction, partly because watching Aunt 
Midori get worked up is pretty entertaining.

	If you've ever met Aunt Midori, you've 
heard her 'history is good' rant roughly 3 
billion times, so I won't bore you with it.  If 
you haven't, better off you not lose precious 
minutes of your life.

	She concluded with, "Those who forget 
the past are doomed to repeat it!"

	"If you think that, why won't you tell us 
what all of you are hiding?" I asked.

	Torpedo amidships!  Battleship...sunk.

	Aunt Midori deflated.  "I lost the vote," 
she mumbled.

	I should have known that by now.  

	"You do realize that if you don't tell us 
and we stumble into something related to it, 
we won't know any better, right?"

	She sighed.  "I know.  But I promised."

	"Dammit, Aunt Midori, we need to 
know!"  I pounded my fist on my lawn chair.  
Unwise, as now it folded up around me and 
Shun had to help me get disentangled.

	"I'd like to know," Shun said.

	Dan...I suddenly wondered if she'd 
secretly told Dan and he had promised to stay 
silent.  As he didn't say anything.

	Aunt Midori helped me up.  "I won't go 
against Mai's will on this, even if I think it a 
mistake."  She grimaced.

	Dammit, Mom, why are you hiding this?  
All of my cousins are curious, but I think I'm 
the one who worries about this the most.  I 
hate unpredictable secret things.  They wreck 
my plans.

	I was unable, however, to extract more 
secrets from her before time for bed.

****************

	It took some shuffling to get everyone 
some space.  Aunt Mikoto moved into my 
parent's room (which admittedly, she usually 
does, most nights, anyway) with my folks, 
while Aunt Akira and Uncle Takumi took her 
room.  I had to give up my bed to Shun and 
Dan, while Aunt Shizuru and Aunt Natsuki 
took the guest room and Aunt Midori and I 
ended up on the sofa-bed.  Mr. Smith headed 
home; likely better for his continued sanity, 
anyway.
 
	I remain convinced that hell spawned 
demons made that sofa bed; I can hardly sleep 
on it.  Fortunately, Aunt Midori was too wired 
on coffee to sleep, so we were able to stay up 
late and talk to each other while everyone else 
slept, a pleasure which I knew I would regret 
in the morning when I had to get up on 
inadequate sleep.  But I wasn't ready for 
slumber.

	I couldn't get any secrets out of her, but I 
did get some adventure stories from her about 
her travels for her archaeology.  I must admit, 
she makes history sound more interesting than 
any of my teachers ever do.

	It was about 2 AM, and we were about to 
finally go to sleep, when I heard the limo pull 
up.  While I can't recognize most car engines, 
Aunt Haruka's limo has this distinctive sound 
to it.  Like a legion of tanks coming for you.

	"Is that Haruka-chan?" Aunt Midori 
mumbled.  
		
	"Why is she coming here at this hour?" I 
asked.

	The banging on the door could have 
woken the dead; I popped out of bed and ran 
to the door.  I could faintly hear Aunt Yukino; 
it sounded like she was trying to restrain Aunt 
Haruka.  Typical.  This had better not be like 
the time she showed up demanding some of 
mom's hot fresh muffins at 3 in the morning 
FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

	Only the muffins would save the world or 
something.

	Anyway, I was stunned to see her in her 
pajamas; she had her 'Unstoppable juggernaut' 
face on.  "Wake the adults.  We must talk."

	"At 2 AM?" I said blearily.

	"YES."

	"This isn't another nightmare, is it?" I 
asked.

	"I do not simply come running over here 
every time I have a nightmare!" Aunt Haruka 
said.  

	Because Aunt Yukino stops you, I 
thought.  Aunt Yukino was in her pajamas, 
but had thrown a robe on over them.  I sighed.  
"Come in.  I'll wreck everyone's sleep."

	Aunt Midori fumbled to a stand.  "Hey, 
come to join the slumber party?"

	"I regret my duties preclude assisting 
with this redecoration; I have to make my 
appointments a good ways in advance these 
days, Midori-sensei," Haruka said, calming 
down a little.  "But I must see the adults, and 
no one returned my calls."

	"Probably because everyone is in bed," I 
mumbled.

	"Crystal, go get your cousins and go play 
in the backyard."

	"At 2 AM?  In our pajamas?" I said in 
disbelief.

	Midori frowned.  "What's going on, 
Haruka?"

	"I saw him," Haruka said.

	"I think you were dreaming," Yukino 
said.

	"It was not a dream!  All of the chocolate 
swirl ice cream was gone when we double-
checked!" Haruka said.

	"You ate all of that when the Johnson 
deal fell through," Yukino said softly.

	"I did not!" Haruka insisted.  "I saw him 
and everyone must know."

	Midori frowned.  "Take no chances.  
Crystal, go stay with your cousins until we 
finish; we'll meet down here."

	"But..."

	"No buts," Midori said.  "Now."  Her 
voice was suddenly commanding.

	I headed upstairs and soon Dan, Shun, 
and I were listening to the sound of adults 
milling about and heading downstairs.

	"We have to spy on them," Shun said.  
"It's practically obligatory by law."

	"How the hell are we going to spy on 
them without your Mother catching us?" I 
asked.

	"We lurk in your dad's office; I think the 
acoustics there help him hear everything," 
Shun said.

	My eyes widened.  "Damn, that's clever.  
It's worth a try."

	Dad must have pretty good ears, as we 
could only make out bits and pieces.  
Something about Aunt Haruka finding some 
guy raiding her fridge and making ominous 
statements about the future or something.  
Most of them seemed to quickly conclude it 
was a dream, but I could hear Aunt Shizuru 
breathing very hard, and Aunt Natsuki wanted 
to take a posse over to look for evidence.  
Aunt Midori seconded the motion.

	They decided to send Mom, Dad, Aunt 
Midori, Aunt Natsuki, Aunt Haruka and Aunt 
Yukino back to look, while Uncle Takumi, 
Aunt Akira, and Aunt Shizuru stayed here 
with Dhuran in case of 'trouble'.  Whatever 
that meant.

	I could hear the three of them coming for 
the stairs, so the three of us scampered back 
into my bedroom.

	There was a knock.  "Come in," I said 
blearily.

	Aunt Akira answered the door.  "Aunt 
Haruka is having a little trouble with her 
house and needs some of us to come help with 
it right now.  Takumi and I and Shizuru-san 
will be here if you need us."

	Could they insult my intelligence more?  
That many adults and they can't cook up a 
better lie?  But I was too tired to fight.  

	Shun, however, said, "It can't wait until 
morning?"

	"No," Aunt Akira said.  "If you hear 
anything strange, come and get us 
immediately.  Do you understand?"

	"Yes, Mom," Shun said, sighing.

	And then she was gone.

	I couldn't sleep, not until they came back.  
Dan was asleep but was mumbling in his 
sleep; probably Aramaic, which his mom 
forced him to learn to help her with some of 
her work one summer.  He's good with 
languages.  

	Shun couldn't sleep either, but we had 
nothing to say, so we both laid there in the 
dark and I wished I had someone to make out 
with to distract myself.

	I'm gonna be a zombie in the morning, I 
thought.

	Finally, we simply collapsed and I slept 
until morning.

***********

	Watching Aunt Akane be perky when the 
rest of us were exhausted was not fun, but 
seeing her twins were in full psycho mode 
didn't help either.  However, the mood of my 
family had lifted and I concluded that Aunt 
Haruka must have been dreaming.  This 
happens every so often.  

	It would probably happen more often if 
not for Aunt Yukino.  I dunno what exactly 
their relationship is.  I've never seen them kiss 
or anything like that, but they seem awfully 
close and while their boyfriends come and go, 
they seem to be eternal.

	By lunchtime, I was ready to die; I just 
wanted SLEEP.  At least it wasn't too hot 
outside.

	Aunt Akane said, "How about if I take 
everyone out to lunch?  You all look so tired."  
She and Kasumi looked like spring chickens 
by comparison.

	"Oh, we couldn't impose," Mai said.  
"You're helping us, we should cook you 
something."

	"I don't mind, and it'll take forever to 
cook enough for this many, and we won't all 
have room to eat together," Akane said.  "And 
I have some coupons."  Aunt Akane is very 
thrifty, like Mom.

	"Oh, well, in that case, it would be 
terrible to let coupons go to waste," Mom 
said.  "Let's load up and go."

	"Can I ride with Aunt Natsuki?" I asked.  
I love riding her bike, and don't get to do it 
too often.

	Natsuki looked at Shizuru, who said, 
"That's fine, I'll ride with Mai, if Mai doesn't 
mind Crystal riding with you."

	"Wear a helmet, be careful," Mother said.

	I was surprised; she almost never lets me 
ride Aunt Mikoto's cycle or Aunt Natsuki's.

	I got one of Aunt Mikoto's extra helmets 
and hopped on with Aunt Natsuki.  We roared 
off towards downtown, where we were going.  
"So was it all a dream?" I asked Aunt Natsuki.

	"Yeah," she said.  "Just a bad dream."

	"Someone you knew in the old days, in 
her dream?"

	"Can't talk about it," she said ruefully.  
"But I don't think those days will come again.  
Not after it's been so long."  She sounded 
almost as if she missed it.

	"Good times as well as bad?" I asked 
softly.

	"Yeah," she said.  "I know Midori was 
di..."  She smiled ruefully.  "You're good at 
wiggling things out of people."

	"I have to be, when no one will tell me 
anything," I said a little bitterly.

	"All teenagers feel that," Aunt Natsuki 
said as she took a corner faster than was 
strictly necessary.

	"Yes, but it's literally true in my case!  If 
I'm in danger..."

	"You're not in danger," Aunt Natsuki 
said.  "Or we'd tell you everything."

	"I'm just in danger of being in danger."  

	"Maybe," Aunt Natsuki said.

	I sighed and leaned against her.  "Fine.  
Just remember that if I get in trouble out of 
ignorance, it's all of your faults, not mine.  I 
tried to get wise and you stopped me."

	I could feel her grimace, but she didn't 
say anything.  So for now, I gave it a rest.

*************
	
	Lunch was pretty good; beyond the brats 
managing to douse Aunt Shizuru, Aunt 
Akane, and themselves in coffee, we had a 
good time, and I felt more alive once we 
headed back to the house to work more.  

	I worked my butt off all day, and at the 
end of the day, fell down on the sofa bed and 
went right to sleep.

	Shun, Akira, and Takumi took off the 
next day, though I could tell Aunt Akira was 
conflicted about it.  It took us three days to 
finish rearranging everything, by which time 
Dan and I were dog-tired.

	Things had fairly well calmed down by 
then.  Aunt Natsuki and Shizuru had to take 
off to get back to work, but Aunt Midori and 
Dan stayed, probably to mooch off Mom's 
good cooking.

	The rest of the vacation went by pretty 
peacefully; once again, I had been defeated in 
my efforts to extract the family secrets.  But I 
had some fun despite the aggravations, so it 
wasn't a complete loss.

	I plopped down in my seat on the train, 
wondering if I'd have company; there's 
another kid at my school I sometimes ride 
with; he's kind of young, but very precocious.  
Sometimes, it's just good to have someone 
who will sit and patiently listen to you bitch.

	Fortunately, he was there, so I was able 
to unload the whole saga onto him, get it off 
my chest.  "So what do you think?" I asked 
him.

	"You tried talking to the headmaster at 
Fuuken Gakuen already, right?" he asked.

	"Yeah, she's in on it," I said.  "I didn't 
even know Aunt Fumi ran the place until I got 
there.  She doesn't talk about work much."

	"I wish I had as many relatives as you," 
he said a little mournfully, ruffling his light 
purple, somewhat spikey hair.

	"Well, it has its good and its bad.  I just 
wish I knew why my parents won't tell me 
anything."

	"They're probably afraid that you'll rush 
off and get in the same trouble they did.  Most 
of what parents do is trying to get their kids to 
not make the same mistakes."  He shook his 
head.  "My parents were very strict."

	"Mine are only really strict about this."  I 
looked over at him.  "Just remember..."

	"Don't tell anyone.  I know.  My lips are 
sealed," he said.  "And you didn't tell them 
about me, right?"

	"Right.  They'd go crazy if they knew I 
talked to some one outside the family about 
this.  But I need someone with an outside 
perspective," I told him.  

	"Well, they all sound like good people," 
my friend said.  "But appearances can be 
deceiving.  Andrew Carnegie is largely 
remembered as a charitable man now, but his 
rivals found him ruthless and destructive."  He 
sounded rather admiring of this.  Boys can be 
a little stupid like that.

	"But I'm sure they just want to protect 
you.  Parents get crazy about that," he said.  
"Mine certainly do.  Still, it's wisest you learn 
more, as they can't go to school with you, after 
all.  I found something you might want to look 
into."  He handed me a piece of paper with a 
sort of circle with a dot in the middle, with a 
kind of flechette above it.  

	"Where did you find that?" I asked.

	"It was the sign of a cult that doesn't exist 
anymore, after it was destroyed at Fuuken 
Gakuen, around the time your parents were 
there.  It may not have any relevance, but..."

	"Wow, thanks, Nagisa.  How did you get 
it?"

	He waggled his fingers and ruffled his 
light purple hair.  "The Internet knows all and 
sees all, then buries it under 20,000 pages of 
porn and junk.  Until I come looking for it."

	"Ahh, cool."  I need to perfect my 
internet skills anyway, I thought.  

	"This will be a great help.  Thanks."

	"You're welcome, Crystal," he said.

	"So, ready for another year of school?" I 
asked him.

	"I expect it will be very interesting."

	Kazahana Nagisa's a good guy; kind of 
weird, but he's been a big help to me with this.  
I could use more friends like that.

	Someone I can trust.

The End.

*************

Author's afterword:  I have a lot more ideas 
for this universe, but lots of other fics I really 
need to finish first.  But I had to get this one 
out of my head.