[FFML] [Azumanga/DN] The Notebook

[DB Sommer]

And now my Azumanga drought has come to an end.

The Notebook
(An Azumanga fic, not a story by Nicholas Sparks)

Standard disclaimer: As usual, I don’t own the rights to Azumanga Daioh 
or anything that crossover’s with it.


Xxxxxxxx

~~Things You Find Lying Around~~

Osaka was walking across the school grounds, intent on making it to 
class before school started, when she spotted an odd black book lying in 
the grass next to a sidewalk. Curious, she walked over and picked it up. 
The title was written in English on the cover, though it was obviously 
no school book. She opened it and saw a number of ruled lines on blank 
pages.

“Oh, a notebook,” she observed.

“Or more precisely, a Death Note.”

Osaka turned to see a pale-faced figure with a rictus grin and a taste 
in goth floating next to her.

“What are you?” Osaka asked.

“I’m Ryuk, a shinigami.”

Osaka scratched her head. “I thought shinigami wore black robes with a 
white border and wielded zanpakuto.”

Ryuk sighed. “You can’t believe everything you see on television.”

“Could you introduce me to Kenpachi?”

“There is no such thing as shinigami. At least shinigami like those guys 
in Bleach,” he clarified. “We’re losing focus here. You are now in 
possession of a Death Note, which means it belongs to you. It’s an item 
of unimaginable power. If you write a person’s name in it, they will die.”

“Oh.” Osaka paused to consider that. “But I can still use it like a 
normal notebook, right?”

“Uhhhhh, I guess,” Ryuk slowly admitted.

“Good. I need a notebook for math.” She tucked the Death Note under her arm.

Ryuk was at a loss. “But wouldn’t you rather use it to kill people?”

“It’s a matter of priorities. Right now taking notes in math is more 
important than killing anyone.”

Ryuk sighed. He was now getting more bored, not less. And why did he 
have this odd feeling of déjà-vu?

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

~~Bumping Into Familiar Face~~

Osaka walked through the halls toward her class, Ryuk floating languidly 
behind her, waiting for something to happen.

Osaka was nearly at her class when she collided with another student. 
After regaining her balance, she turned and bowed low in apology. “Sorry 
about that, Moonbeam.”

The youth snapped, “I keep telling you my name is not Moonbeam. It’s 
Light. Light Yagami.”

“Oh.” Osaka considered that. “You have to admit, it’s easy to get 
confused since the names are a lot alike.”

“They are nothing alike! Why don’t you write my name down so you 
remember it?”

“Good idea.” Osaka pulled a notebook out from under her arm and began to 
write in it.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

~~Disbeliever~~

Osaka encountered Tomo in the hall before she got to class. Upon seeing 
her friend, she began relating her tale.

“—and so this shinigami comes up to me—“

Tomo interrupted. “Does he look like more like Renji or Hitsugaya?”

Osaka looked over at Ryuk. “Actually he looks like kind of like a mime, 
only less annoying and with better fashion sense.”

Ryuk said, “Why don’t you let her touch the Death Note, then she’ll be 
able to see me for herself?”

Osaka did so. Tomo’s eyes widened as Ryuk became visible to her. “What 
the?” she began, and then a devious look entered her eyes. To Osaka she 
said, “Good one. You almost had me there.”

Osaka returned the question with a more oblivious look than usual. “What 
do you mean?”

Tomo snickered. “This is probably the best practical joke anyone’s 
pulled on me. It’s right up there with me suckering Yomi into walking 
through a bunch of poison ivy in only a swimsuit.” She looked over Ryuk 
slowly. “Hmm. Yomi’s thighs are thicker than that. Not enough chest for 
Sakaki. I’m going to guess it’s Chiyo-chan. Nice costume, by the way. 
Way cooler than the penguin outfit.”

“My name isn’t Chiyo-chan,” Ryuk said almost whining. “I’m really a 
shinigami.”

“Let’s see your zanpakuto then.”

“Bleach isn’t real, damn it!” He really hated that show. It just 
confused the humans.

Xxxxxxxxxx

~~Nicknames~~

Tomo looked Ryuk in the eye. “So let me get this straight. I write 
someone’s name in the book, and they keel over from a heart attack forty 
seconds later, right?”

“For the seventh time, yes,” Ryuk answered in a tired voice. “It’s all 
in the book. I wrote instructions in it and everything.”

“Like we’re passing English.” Tomo scoffed as she put the Death Note 
down, picked up a pen, and wrote something in it. “There. Now we’ll see 
if it works.”

Osaka said, “Don’t write in it too much. I need it for math.”

“There’s an infinite number of pages in it,” Ryuk said.

“I hope I don’t need to take that many notes,” Osaka said worriedly, 
then asked Tomo, “Whose name did you write in it?”

Tomo hummed the theme to Jeopardy as she stared at her watch. “Yours.”

Osaka drew back in horror. “But why?”

Tomo smiled. “Obviously, it will not only establish that the Death Note 
works, but at the same time eliminates the current owner of the book, as 
well as the only one who know what it does, while allowing it to pass 
into my possession.”

“Whoa, that’s actually pretty good,” Osaka said in awe.

“Ain’t it, though? I came up with it just now. Although we now have 
proof that this whole thing is a crock.”

“What do you mean?”

Tomo pointed to her watch. “Forty seconds have passed and you aren’t dead.”

“It does too work,” Ryuk insisted.

Tomo pointed at Osaka. “No way. I wrote her name in the book and nothing 
happened.”

Ryuk picked up the book and looked to see exactly what Tomo had written. 
“It just says ‘Osaka’, in here.”

“Yep.”

“That’s not her real name.”

“The heck it’s not. We’ve been calling her that since her first day 
here. Why, I remember looking at the class enrollment for the new year 
and the name clearly said, ‘Osaka’. If it’s good enough for this 
school’s class assignments, then it should be good enough for some 
crummy Death Note.”

Osaka nodded her head.

Ryuk sighed. The boredom was being replaced with something much worse.

Xxxxxxxxx

~~Assault and Battery of Questions~~

Osaka and Tomo finally entered their class. Looking around at their 
various classmates, they chose to stop at Sakaki’s desk first.

Osaka kicked things off. “Hey Sakaki, if you could kill someone by 
writing their name in a notebook, who would you write down first?”

Sakaki looked at Osaka, horrified.

Tomo said, “Sakaki wouldn’t kill someone that way.”

Sakaki began to relax.

“She wouldn’t?” Osaka asked.

“Nah, she’s so tough, she’d just kill them with her bare hands. Probably 
more satisfying that way.”

“Good point.”

They walked away from the desk, leaving a depressed Sakaki behind.

Next up was Yomi. As the two approached, Tomo led off this time. “Hey, 
Yomi. If you had a book that could kill people by writing their name in 
it, whose names would you write down?”

Yomi considered that. “Everyone on my ‘to kill’ list.”

Both girls drew back in shock. “You have a list of people you want to 
kill?” Osaka asked.

“Doesn’t everyone?” Yomi asked in mild surprise. She turned to Tomo, her 
glasses gleaming in a maniacal way. “And guess who’s on the top of the 
list.”

Tomo considered that. “Chiyo-chan, because she’s such an annoying know 
it all?”

“No.” The gleam increased.

“Sakaki. It ain’t right she’s got a chest that big.”

“No.” A creepy smile appeared.

“That annoying Hard Gay guy that’s on TV all the time, humping people?”

“On the list, but not the top.” The smiled increased until it was nearly 
ear to ear.

After another minute of full concentration, Tomo said, “I give up.”

The smile and gleam disappeared as Yomi sighed. “Teasing is no fun if 
the target is completely oblivious to it.”

“Aw, come on, tell me. It’s going to drive me nuts if I don’t know.”

Yomi groaned. “There is no list. It was a joke.”

“Don’t hold out on your best friend,” Tomo whined.

Yomi started to get a headache. “Would it make you happy if I made up a 
list and put you on the top, seeing as you’re probably the person that 
has affected my life the most?”

“You’d do that for me?” Tomo asked.

“In a heartbeat.”

“Cool.” She turned to Osaka. “Did you hear that? Yomi says I’ve had the 
biggest influence in her life.”

“I don’t think she meant it in the way you think she meant it,” Osaka 
warned.

Though she couldn’t see him, Ryuk patted Yomi’s shoulder in sympathy. He 
knew exactly where she was coming from. A pity the Death Note hadn’t 
fallen into her hands. He had a feeling it would have been put to use 
rather quickly.

The pair went over to Chiyo next. This time Osaka posed her the question.

Chiyo said, “Oh, a moral dilemma problem.”

The pair looked at each other. “What’s that mean?” Osaka asked.

“It means that if you give an answer like, ‘I’d only kill someone that 
would kill someone else’ you’d be guilty of the very thing you say you 
hate.”

“Oh,” Tomo said.

Chiyo said, “Putting that aside, if you want to go with a visceral 
reaction, I’d probably write down the names of everyone who made fun of 
my height.” She smiled sweetly at the two.

Both girls backed away nervously. “Yeah, good thing we don’t have 
something like that, right, Osaka?”

“Yep,” Osaka agreed quickly.

The pair finally wound up backing into Yukari, who had just entered the 
classroom.

This time Tomo took the lead. “Miss Yukari, what if you could kill 
someone by writing their name in a book?”

“What, you mean like a Death Note?”

The girls drew back in surprise. “How did you know?” Tomo asked.

“I stumbled on one back when I was in high school. There was this 
shinigami –and by the way he didn’t look anywhere near as hot as any of 
them in Bleach—who dropped it. He said he was bored and wanted to see 
what would happen if a human got their hands on one. So of course once I 
learn what it does I show it to Nyamo first, and do you know what she did?”

“No, what?” Osaka asked.

“She threw it into an incinerator!” Yukari slammed her fist down on the 
desk. “She said she wouldn’t give me the power to choose between vanilla 
or chocolate, let alone who gets to live and die. I tell you, if I ever 
get my hands on one again, I know whose name gets written down first.”

Ryuk sighed. Now he knew where that feeling of déjà-vu had come from.

Yukari asked, “What makes you ask, anyway?”

Tomo said, “We got our hands on a defective one. Even if you write 
people’s names in it, no one dies. Makes it pretty useless.”

“I’ll say. Cheap foreign made crap,” Yukari said.

“I’m going to use it as a notebook for math,” Osaka said.

“Go ahead and kill those numbers,” Yukari encouraged.

Ryuk began crying. He had learned a valuable lesson. Some things were 
worse than boredom. Much worse.

Things like frustration.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

[End fic]

A little something I hope you found amusing.

And I don’t own the rights to Death Note or Bleach either.