[FFML] [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 13: Wolves...

[Aaron Nowack]

Eimii wrote:
> Apparently, when i say, 'i'll have a new chapter finished soon,' what
> i actually _mean_ is, 'i'll have a new chapter finished within 1~2
> years.' 

Hey, for certain things 1-2 years _is_ soon!  :)

> No, really- i do. But that's all i'm going to say about it here; if
> you want to know _why_ i blame Hinata, you can look at my blog,
> eimii.wordpress.com. This entire chapter was posted there, scene by
> scene, as it was being written. I intend to do the same for the next
> chapter as well. It's very motivating, in a terrifying, public
> exposure sort of way...

I thought about doing something similar with 100 Days, releasing it day
by day.  But the chapter I really got stuck on only covered one day, anyway.

> Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Kishimoto Masashi and Shueisha.
> My name is neither Kishimoto Masashi or Shueisha... though it actually
> might be kinda cool to be named Shueisha; it has a certain ring to
> it...

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

> Waaaay Too Much _Emphasis Text_ Warning: I must have used an entire
> year's worth of underscores for this chapter. It works way better when
> i can convert them to italics -_-;...

Hmm.  How many underscores is a years worth?

Anyway, I'm pretty sure you've used up your warning quota, also. :)

> Hachimaki Momiji offered a silent smile, shutting the door and holding
> up a tray laden with crackers and tea. Relaxing, Kaede let her
> attention return to conversation going on in her other ear, while out
> of the corner of her eye she saw her twin set down the tray and begin
> undressing.
> 
> When Momiji was finished, the other girl pulled out a chair at the end
> of the security console and sat down, putting her feet up. In a nod to
> modesty, she'd let her hair down so that her dark locks fell over the
> front of her mesh undershirt, but she hadn't donned the rest of her
> armor, leaving her in her underwear.

Hmm... this seems a little... gratuitous, but we'll see how the scene
goes...

I've already snipped the relevant transition, but the jump from "new
characters recapping part of the last episode, but not Hinata's
fainting" to "after Hinata recovers from fainting" is awkward.

> Still, it was possible that Kiba was mistaken. Hinata had wanted to
> keep an open mind, but her own bias had outed itself when Sakura asked
> her how she felt about it. *'I- I like you a lot, Sakura chan! But not
> like- I mean, I really admire you!'* 

...hmm.

> Her shock must have shown, for Sakura's expression froze, then became
> extremely strained. Burying her face between her knees, Sakura emitted
> a groan of despair. "Dammit! This _has_ to be her fault..." she
> whispered, the last part so low that Hinata didn't think that she was
> meant to hear.

Oh no, Sakura.  You're doing this to yourself by now...

> The gesture helped, though. By the time she opened her eyes, Hinata
> had calmed down enough to offer Sakura a sincere look of apology. "I-
> I'm not supposed to be on this mission," she explained unhappily.

Aha!  I do believe I called this one!

> The lord must have noticed her urgency, for the shadow of a smirk
> darkened his face. "I'm afraid that won't be possible," he replied
> airily. "My granddaughter has extended to your student our house's
> hospitality, which makes her our honored guest. _You_, however, have
> quite overstayed your welcome- but don't worry; we'll be sending her
> along presently."
> 
> Kurenai opened her mouth to protest, but then a blinding, white-hot
> bar of pain lashed across the back of her neck and she saw no more.

...huh.  Did not expect that.

> Morino Ibiki, ANBU's own head
> of torture and interrogation, had even gone so far as to declare
> Sakura sane and stable enough to return to active duty.
> 
> Given that Ibiki had once given Mitarashi Anko that same assessment,
> Kurenai wasn't sure she trusted the man's definition of 'sane and
> stable.' 

Heh.

> Noting her return, the final billed player in this dangerous comedy
> errors pushed off of a nearby wall and stalked closer. A low-brimmed
> straw hat concealed much of the younger girl's face, as did the sandy
> blond hair that fell free and wild around her shoulders, but Kurenai
> had no trouble seeing the scowl of impatience that tightened Sabaku no
> Temari's lips.

...hmm.  Interesting.

Wound up not having terribly much in the way of useful line-by-line
comments on first read through; I'll try to give this another pass later
to see if I can come up with any nitpicks.

Meanwhile, some somewhat longer nitpicks:

The political maneuvering going on behind the scenes here is intriguing,
but not enough pieces on the board have been made clear to the reader to
draw much in the way of conclusions here.  I believe I've commented
along these lines on prior chapters, but the degree to and casualness
with which Lord Haruno is willing to antagonize Konoha, even in its
weakened state, is a bit hard to believe, unless the balance of power is
drastically different from canon Naruto, he has his own source of ninja,
and/or there's a serious "ace in the hole" that hasn't yet been revealed.

Between that, some other bits this chapter, and some bits from the
previous couple chapters, and the lack of much to counter the... hmm...
"show off how cool the new character/setting element is by comparing
preexisting stuff to it unfavorably" factor, it starts to rub me the
wrong way a bit.  Even a little solid hinting that the matters with
this... umm... conflict between Lord Haruno and Konoha aren't quite so
one-sided would go a long way to alleviate matters.

Kurenai's "death" might be a good place.  She's a jounin; even as just a
kage bunshin with her guard down, it's a bit... iffy, that Lord Haruno's
men are able to get the drop on her so easily.  It'd be really easy to
justify her being aware of the attack.  Maybe have her _let_ them
decapitate her, because there's no reason to "upset Lord Haruno's power
games" until there's some advantage to be gained from it?

Or even just adding to her musing at the end of the chapter that Lord
Haruno was lucky that the Third Hokage was easy going and hadn't
considered him a serious threat, but that he might not be so lucky with
whoever became the Fifth, could work.

...I don't want you to mistake the number of words I spent on this with
the seriousness of the issue.  This is all mostly nitpicking; it's still
a good story and a good chapter.

And, as ever, I hope I said something useful, and I look forward to
seeing more of this story.  Even if it occasionally takes a while.  :)

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/