[FFML] [Ace Ventura][Ranma 1/2] Ace Ventura: Suddenly Seeking Panda #1

[Rebecca Heineman]

Ace Ventura: Suddenly Seeking Panda: Chapter 1, Back in Japan

by Rebecca Ann Heineman

Takes place sometime late in the Ranma 1/2 timeline for no apparent reason,
again.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective characters created by Jack Bernstein, Jim Carrey
and Tom Shadyac. Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi.

I wrote this because Cory Rose said he was going to force his house plants
to commit seppuku if I didn't write this. Although, I'll continue to harass
him in this life and the next if he doesn't finish "Princess of the Moon."

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or sell me to the
zoo.

===========================================

In the center of the Tokyo police department, a fax machine beeped and began
to receive a message. The sound of it whirring and clicking was drowned out
by the hustle and bustle of officers, detectives and civilians milling
about, performing their daily duties. It ejected its freshly printed pages
into an overflowing receiving tray, disturbing the previous faxes and a few
of the new pages were knocked onto the floor. Detective Hiroshi Oki, a
short, slender, and bespeckled Japanese man who looked more at home in a
library than in a squad car, noticed the falling pages and pulled up the
sheets and flipped through them, quickly scanning the words written. He
smiled with anticipation, but frowned after he got to the last page. "Damn,
I didn't get my transfer yet."

He took note of where the pages originated from and did a double take. He
raised his eyebrows in shock and exclaimed to the annoyance of a passing
clerk. "They're sending him!"

A smile formed on his face once he read more of what was said on the pages.
He held up the wad of papers in the air and happily danced about, "I've got
an answer to our request for assistance!"

No one around paid any attention to him as they all went about their
business, playing cards, watching TV or ignoring ringing telephones. He
sighed and muttered to himself in a quiet voice. "Doesn't anybody care
anymore?"

Hiroshi's superior, Mr. Tanaka, shifted his weight in his high back office
chair and took aim at a dart board hanging at a nearby wall. He closed one
eye and carefully tossed his dart. It flew for a moment and landed on the
nose of a photo of Tatewaki Kuno. He grinned, then switched his feet around
so they wouldn't fall asleep as they rested on the top of his desk. He was
about to toss a dart at a photo of Azusa Shiratori when Oki excitedly came
into the room. He rolled back and put his feet down with an annoyed look on
his face. He was just getting into a good mood because was about to beat his
high score and now he had to deal with whatever crackpot idea Hiroshi had
this time.

Hiroshi dropped the papers on Tanaka's desk. "They're sending over someone
for the Bon-Bon caper."

"Good for you." He answered sarcastically. "That was a crummy case, anyway."
Then, he remembered what the case was. He sat up in his chair, curious. "The
Bon-Bon job? Really? Who's coming to help?"

"It seems that the Miami Police Department is sending over someone they say
is an expert in cases like this one. Here's his resume and recent case
list." Hiroshi pushed the fax closer to his boss so he wouldn't have to
strain to reach them. Too many donuts and not enough sun made Mr. Tanaka a
very large man.

The chubby police commander took the sheets, sorted them in order and began
to skim the information present. He saw a picture of a tall, thin, dark
haired Caucasian man in a Hawaiian shirt holding his fingers up in a 'V' for
victory sign while standing in front of a dolphin tank. He read the caption
below the picture. "Ace Ventura cracks the case of the missing Miami
Dolphins mascot!" Another picture showed Ace holding a small black piglet
with a caption that read, "Pet Detective finds lost Japanese piglet
wandering in Miami." Below the picture was a news article about how he sent
the pig via FedEx back to Japan to his rightful owner, Miss Azusa Shiratori.
That name was familiar to the police, and not for good reasons.

He read about all of the successful cases this American detective had solved
concerning lost animals and Tanaka gently nodded his head in approval. He
recalled the Charlotte caper and shivered in dread at the memory since it
involved that crazy ice skater. However, with this man on the job, the crime
was as good as solved, and Chief Tanaka could get back to doing the things
that he did best; like creating large amounts of carbon dioxide and being a
drain on the Japanese tax payers. "Hmmm... I see that he's handled Japanese
cases before."

He peered up from the pages expectantly. "When will he arrive?"

The short officer pointed to the last sheet on the fax. "The itinerary is
right here, although I've got to contact the Miami police department about
the error on it."

"Error?" The commander queried as he peeked at the last page to find the
error in question. As he looked closer, he accidentally tipped over a paper
cup and spilled coffee on the itinerary. In haste, he lifted up the papers
away from the drink and pulled out a pink silky cloth from a nearby plastic
bag. He used it as a rag to clean off the spilled liquid. The cloth didn't
absorb much, so he tossed it in the trash and looked around for a more
suitable item to wipe away the drink.

Hiroshi sighed. That panty was the crucial evidence that could have linked
the underwear heist to their prime suspect. So much for entrusting evidence
to his superior since it meant that it was back to square one on that case
again. He shook his head and focused at the task at hand and pointed his
finger once again at the itinerary. "Please be careful, that's the
original."

He crossed his arms behind his back and stood at attention. Police business
did command respect, even if his superior didn't deserve it. "Check the last
page so you can see the problem with the travel arrangements."

"Problem? What sort of problem?" He wiped his desk off with a sheet of paper
titled 'Nabiki Tendo' and focused on reading the itinerary closely.

"All they have for him is just his flight information, so we'll have to pick
him up at the airport. And then there's the matter of the ticket. You see,
they have him booked to travel only one way."

"One way?" He asked incredulously. "When's he supposed to be flying back?"

Officer Oki shrugged. "You've got me."

"Well, you'd better hop to it. This is your problem now, so deal with it."
He flung the papers back at the detective. "And you'd better get a move on."

Hiroshi was busy catching the papers as they fluttered in the air. "I'm on
it."

"Good, because your help arrived yesterday."

Catching the last sheet, the officer nearly dropped them to the floor in
surprise. He fumbled around and read the arrival date and time and sure
enough, Tanaka was right. "Huh? How can that be? The fax came just a few
minutes ago."

Picking up a dart, he moved his arm back and forth to take aim. "Like I
said, it's your problem."

===========================================

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, tall of height, fair of skin, and handsome in a
psychotic sort of way, disembarked the aircraft and strutted down the narrow
tube into the airline terminal. He wore a set of dark sunglasses, blue
jeans, and a loud Hawaiian shirt that Principal Kuno would have approved of
and would have wished to become the new official school uniform of Furinkan
High. He paused a moment to look at his watch, only to have the cracked dial
remind him that it hadn't worked in a week. He strolled up to a nearby
window to determine the time by gazing at the sun. Standing next to a wall
clock, he looked up into the heavens and declared, "Yes, right on time."

He adjusted his watch to 3:45PM without looking at the clock on the wall
that read the exact same time and crossed his arms impatiently. He waited
for a moment, then boldly walked toward the center of the crowded passenger
area. Taking in a deep breath of the smoggy Tokyo air, he pronounced. "Ah!
It's good to be back in the land of the Rising Sun."

He muttered to himself about the fact that the place was still overrun with
foreigners. Turning to a businessman who was walking by, he commanded. "My
good man! Please take me to..."

Ace stopped for a moment as he fumbled around with his shirt looking for the
address he was given by a bunch of very happy policemen, firemen, Miami
Dolphins players and the staff of the Pizza Hut next door to his now boarded
up and condemned apartment.

The businessman calmly took a moment for the tall man to say something
intelligent. After watching him dance around like an idiot, the gentleman
decided it wasn't worth the wait and made a polite bow to this strange
American. "Iie, wakarimasen."

He took a step back and proceeded on his way toward the rear of the terminal
where his plane was boarding.

The detective held his hand to his chin as he contemplated the last time he
ate something that wasn't obtained from the dumpster of a Burger King. It
was a long time ago. He then understood what the man was trying to say,
maybe. "E. A.? Don't they make video games or something?"

He held his hands to the sides of his mouth to amplify his question to the
now rapidly retreating businessman. "Is 'wakari wasis' a new game of
theirs?"

Undaunted, he unfolded the scrap of paper he found in his shirt pocket and
read the address aloud. "Une... Ue... Uuu... Uno, close enough. Uno Zoo,
Tokyo, alrighty then! That's where I must go! Now, where's my ride?"

Ace stood in the crowded passenger terminal with his arms crossed and his
sunglasses down, waiting for someone to pick him up and take him to his next
mission. The loudspeakers called out an evacuation order in Japanese causing
all of the people around to quickly file out of the terminal leaving Ace all
alone. Ace wondered why everyone left. He smelled his armpits to see if he
had somehow offended someone since he ran out of deodorant a few weeks ago.
Since he was still conscious, he judged his armpits to be in acceptable
condition. He was pleased.

Nightfall.

Ace stood in the empty passenger terminal with his arms crossed and his
sunglasses down, waiting for someone to pick him up and take him to his next
mission. Visible from the window behind him, on the tarmac below, were
several girls in short skirts making stupid speeches and blasting a large
menagerie of wild animals with magical attacks. Ace ignored them since they
weren't his paying clients and the animals seemed to be winning the fight.
He was still pleased.

Daybreak.

Ace stood in the crowded passenger terminal with his arms crossed and his
sunglasses down, waiting for someone to pick him up and take him to his next
mission. Despite the fact that he was standing erect, a soft sound of
snoring came from the famous detective as he took a well deserved rest. A
man in a suit and tie slowly approached Ace, wondering if there was
something wrong with this man. Airline security had been watching him for
the last fifteen minutes and he hadn't moved a muscle. He stood before Ace,
bowed and asked in English. "Sir? Are you Ace Ventura, the pet detective?"

Ace awoke from his impersonation of a statue, then rubbed his hands in glee.
"Ah yes, my good man. Are you here from the Aooogah Zoo? I'm anxious to
crack the case!"

The man made another curt bow. He was the man he had been looking for.
"Uh... No, I'm here to inform you that your... Well, we think they're
yours..."

Ace was impatient, hungry, tired and worried about the expiration date of
his luggage. Besides, he was in dire need of deodorant. "Out with it my good
man! I haven't got all day!"

"You were on yesterday's flight from Miami, weren't you?" He asked timidly.
"Are you the one with the large beaten steamer trunk?"

"It's not beaten. It's well loved." Ace stood indignant. "Where is my
luggage? You didn't send it to Bermuda did you? If you did, may I join my
luggage on the next flight. It might get lonely there."

"Well, I regret to inform you that your luggage attacked the baggage
handlers and the Sailor Senshi were called in to put down the things that
emerged. So, sorry." He bowed down in apology.

"Sailor Sentries? You mean to tell me that you called in the Navy to process
my luggage? Why, I'm honored that you'd have your military specially care
for my things. Now, please take me, a large French dinner, two tickets to a
football game, a large bag of cat litter, and my luggage to my hotel." Ace
began to march down the hall with a sense of direction would make Ryoga
proud.

"Sir? It's this way." He pointed to the sign marked 'Ground Transportation'.

Ace spun around, catlike, as if he was in search of a litter box, then
marched in the proper direction with an air of aloofness about him. "I was
just testing you." He then marched directly into a crowd of people and
knocked them over like bowling pins.

Detective Oki now understood why this assignment selection was issued to him
by drawing the shortest straw.

===========================================

A car pulled up in front of the Ueno Zoo in Tokyo and the world's greatest
Pet Detective opened the door and slithered out. The vehicle's wheels made a
horrible screech as the tires spun rapidly and the car vanished in an
instant down the road, across a field and into parts unknown. The passers-by
paused in wonderment as to what made the driver want to leave the area in
such a hurry. He used this convenient diversion to hide behind trash cans,
light poles and innocent bystanders to sneak up on his prey. In moments, he
was in striking distance and he pounced on his target.

A little girl cried as she noticed her ice cream cone was now ice creamless.
A smug tall man in a Hawaiian shirt walked away, humming an innocent tune
and licked his lips enjoying the taste of his recent meal.

As Ace was listening to the gossip that two crows were sharing about a
certain shrine maiden, a security guard approached. "You must be the
detective from America. I'm here to escort you to the curator."

He shooed him away. "Later, they're just getting to the good part."

The guard looked around. There was no one around but a pair of crows. "Who's
getting to the good part?"

"Shhhh!"

"Sir!" The guard spoke in an authoritative tone, scaring away the crows.
"The curator is waiting for you."

"Awww, man! They were just about to say who's she got the hots for." Ace
frowned, yet duty called. "Very well, my good man. Lead the way."

Raising his eyebrows in curiosity, the guard cautiously led the detective
though the zoo. As Ace walked, he made noises to every creature that they
saw and this made the guard wonder if Ace either had lost his mind or was
actually talking to the animals. Talking to the animals was impossible,
wasn't it? He must be crazy, surmised the guard.

Finally, they reached the panda compound, where the head zookeeper was
waiting. Standing next to him was the zoo's head security officer. The
zookeeper clasped his hands in joy. "Ah, finally you've arrived. This is Mr.
Koji Utada, my head of security." Mr. Utada made a bow.

The zookeeper also bowed. "I'm Yoshiro Ito. I've heard many things about
you."

Ace replied reflexively. "I didn't do it! I've got an alibi."

"Didn't do what?" Asked Detective Oki, who just arrived and was covered in
sweat and panted like he had just run a marathon. "I hope I'm not late."

"Uh..." Ace quickly wiped his lip with his shirt sleeve to ensure there was
no incriminating ice cream on his face. "Nothing." He innocently smiled.

Oki just stood there and blinked his eyes once. He bowed at Ace. "I wish to
apologize for my associate's behavior. He shouldn't have driven away so
quickly."

"Do not worry, It saves me a bundle in cab fare. Besides, if he can't drive
on the right side of the road, he shouldn't be driving."

The zookeeper waved his hand in the direction of a large panda habitat.
"Well, I take it you've been briefed on the case."

Ace waved his hand dismissively. "No need. I've already gotten the gist of
it. It appears that you're down one panda."

Mr. Utada turned to face the pen where the panda was kept. He pointed over
to the scene of the crime. "Yes, the panda was..."

Ace interrupted. "He went missing over a week ago between 10PM and 10:30PM
on Monday after the zoo had closed. He vanished without a trace, leaving no
paw prints behind. No signs of forced entry, and no signs of foul play, so,
he wasn't taken." He paused for effect. "He escaped."

The head security guard felt insulted. "What do you mean, escaped? This
compound is over five meters deep. It's impossible for a panda bear to climb
out. Someone came and took him."

"He wasn't taken, my good man. Nor did he walk out that locked door I see
down there, nor did he climb out as you've guessed. He jumped." Ace jumped
onto the railing that separated them from a five meter fall.

"WHAT?" shouted the three men. The head guard placed his hands on the rail
and peered into the compound. "That's not possible. Pandas cannot jump
higher than a meter, if at all."

Oki had heard about Ace's powers of deduction and was in awe with being in
the presence of a master of tracking. "How did you come to this conclusion?"

"Simple, Mr. Okidata. The clues are all around us." He stared at Japanese
detective and crossed his eyes. "Clues are everywhere. You just have to know
where to look."

The great detective walked along the railing until he reached the border of
the habitat. He rubbed his five o'clock shadow in fierce contemplation on
tonight's planned meal of macaroni and cheese and stopped for a minute to
pick his nose. Once his sinuses were clean, he dramatically posed, and posed
again and posed again for a tourist who was snapping photos of his weird
antics.

A few choice poses later, Ace smiled. "And for my next trick, I'll show you
how a panda goes poof."

He pointed at a short, stubby bush that was directly below the wall. "As you
can see, the pattern of broken branches clearly indicate that it was
subjected to a large amount of weight, say about, one well fed panda. Then,
you may notice the scuff marks along the wall in the same pattern of the
wild Chinese Panda when it's out looking for someone to annoy." He spun
around and pointed at the far side of the habitat. "And over there..." Ace
jumped down, onto the bush, and ran across the distance of the habitat,
leaping over a sleeping panda and stopping at a pile of bamboo. "Here is
where he had his last meal."

Mr. Utada was livid. He clenched his fists on the railing and shouted out to
the detective below. "What the hell are you doing down there? It's
dangerous!"

Ace ignored him and kept to his tracking. "Now, it appears that our escapee
dined here on five bamboo shoots, two brussel sprouts and a hamburger." He
held up an empty wrapper. "Interesting."

It was Mr. Ito's turn to be annoyed. He confronted his head of security and
his face was flushed red with anger. "I told you that we need to keep the
guests from feeding the animals. If any of these pandas get sick, it will be
your fault."

"It wasn't his fault," shouted the pet policeman. "You see, since when do
pandas buy burgers? Hmm, a burger does sound pretty good right now."

"Excuse me?" asked a curious Detective Oki. "You mean, a guest bought him a
burger."

"No, he bought the burger after he escaped. Or shall I say, he stole it."
Ace took a few steps away from the pile of panda food and got down on all
fours. He sniffed the ground. He put his ear to the ground. He patted the
ground. He rolled around in the ground. He put his sunglasses on and
sunbathed while lying on the ground. "Ah, this is the life."

"Are you sure this man is a detective?" asked Koji.

Hiroshi was beginning to have his doubts. "Uh... yes?" he meekly answered.