[FFML] [C&C] Re: [fanfic][Sailormoon] Moonshadow, chapter six (draft)

[The Eternal Lost Lurker]

> And chapter six.

SIX! SIX chapters of Moonshadow! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

> > Her instincts were to descend into the living mass below and rend, tear,
> > rip, kill, devour--to take the souls of these prey creatures for her
own, to
> > become stronger, to...
>
> And yet, oddly, she's more sympathetic than Timothy so far.

*snrk*

> > "Kino-san," the officious little man was saying, peering at her through
> > tiny, oval-framed spectacles, "you must understand that we care very
deeply
> > about the reputation of this school. The actions of our students reflect
on
> > the entire school--for good, or for ill."
>
> Well, that explains last chapter's cliffhanger.

Yep.

Curious as to your opinion of Makoto's exposition/character backstory
here...

> > Many murmurs stirred as the teacher for the next lesson entered,
accompanied
> > by a strikingly handsome youth. Mina immediately sat up straight and
focused
> > her full attention on the front of the room. *I think I'm in love,* she
> > mused, before reminding herself she already had a boyfriend.
>
> Oh, since when has _that_ stopped Minako?

Since now? :P

> > //Motoki speaking.//
>
> ...I just can't see it.  I mean, I suppose it makes sense, but... ;)

I admit I pulled that out of my ass as I was writing the scene, for the
sheer WTF factor.

> > Ami and Usagi transformed in mid-fall, completing the transformation
just in
> > time to catch themselves, cracking the pavement beneath their boots.
>
> ...now I'm imaging the transformation sequence.

Heh!

> > "That," Luna said, glancing sharply upwards, "is the Papyrus Witch,
Amami.
> > She's fairly dangerous. She can control all forms of paper, making
weapons,
> > clothing, traps, and even explosives out of it."
>
> Hmm.  So there's a fairly limited number of youma in this universe, I
> suppose, if Luna can recognize a random one on sight.

Not so much that, as Amami is a well-known youma. Plus...

OK, slight advance revelation here: Luna is a Nightbeast. There are hundreds
of them in the Dark Kingdom, they're a mid-level type of youma, and they're
used as hunter/trackers. Think ANBU, only not quite strong enough to take
down S-class "criminals" on their own. More like C-rank. And Amami is
B-rank.

Yes, it makes Luna even MORE of an exposition mouthpiece, but it works.

> > "Ryoukai," the blue-haired girl called back. She made a wave of her
hands,
> > and a deep, chilly mist blanketed the area. The monster screeched in
anger.
>
> Ryoukai?

http://dict.regex.info/cgi-bin/j-e/inline/dosearch?sDict=on&H=PS&L=J&T=ryokai&WC=none&FG=w&BG=b&S=26&I=on

Japanese equivalent of "Roger that". You need to watch more military anime
:P

(Actually, not even military anime...it pops up in shows like Azumanga as
well...)

> > "Jupiter Power, MAKE-UP!"
>
> And another Senshi down.  Or up.  Or whatever.
>
> Anyway, it's another good chapter, looking forward to the next, etc.,
> etc.  Keep up the good work!

Thanks for reading, as always :)

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The Eternal Lost Lurker
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