[FFML] [Naruto][AU] People Lie

[Pale Rider]

This is a pretty interesting take, and largely believable, but there are some aspects I'm not sure of. Leaving aside grammar and such, I'm annoyed by the failure to explain the initial incident in the story, that is, Naruto showing up looking dishevelled and beaten. I can't really reconcile that incident with  anything else you've described in the story, and except for Naruto's accidental display of talent it doesn't seem to be particularly important or add anything we don't already know. Moreover, although whatever happened apparently caused a significant psychological disruption, Naruto never seems to think about it again. I think you should either fit this incident into the world in some way or excise it entirely.

Also, I can't really believe Naruto's mindset. I won't say it's inconsistent with the world (hardly, considering Sasuke), but it doesn't seem really consistent with *reality*, and the idea of Naruto-as-Sasuke-clone isn't really very compelling, especially since there's almost nothing left, psychologically, of the Naruto we know in this character. To be fair, I've never found Sasuke to be a particularly compelling character, but at least his reasoning and goals are clearly linked. Although this Naruto clearly has a goal, you haven't elaborated what it *is*, specifically. Without knowing what's driving him it's difficult to understand *why* he is the way he is, and so it's also hard to believe *that* he is the way he is. In short, Naruto's attitudes are just too extreme for me to buy, even in the context of his world and his experiences.

I thought that your explanation of his past worked wonderfully. However, it's simply too difficult to get from the end of that story to the beginning of this one. And from the end of this one going forward, it's difficult for me to imagine that anything could actually undo his attitudes. There's not even an inkling here that he's changing, and that's a mistake, especially given that the revelation about the Kyuubi can only make him *less* trusting and socialized.

The last major problem I had here was with the final act. It broke the story for Naruto to trust Mizuki that way. If it had been *Iruka* then I would have been able to accept that Naruto went along with it, but this Naruto should have been suspicious, and he wasn't, and so the story sort of fell apart.

I like this idea, that Naruto is (somewhat) more skilled than he lets on, that his friendly behavior is a front, etc. However, I think that the track you've taken is psychologically too extreme for Naruto. The other characters are pretty believable, and I very much liked how Hinata developed. But Naruto is too depraved to be believed, and in the final act, too trusting to be consistent. Before you go forward with this, I think you need to maybe rework Naruto's character slightly, and fiddle with the last section to make the scroll theft work. 

PR




       
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