[FFML] [Sailor Moon] [Draft 1} The Beast Within - Chapter 2

[StudioPC]

On Sep 4, 2007, at 11:36 AM, skychan wrote:

> I agree with a few things, the elder gods should not be on our mailing
> list.  The original rather than dub names are preferable, but  
> hardly I think
> a reason to fail a fic on their own.  And finally when did this  
> become a
> negativity based list?

Welcome to the Eternal Lost Lurker method of C&C:

One, If it sounds like a dub, IT'S CRAP!

And two, Lurker is always right.

Heh. I kid because I care.

>
> My thoughts on the story are that it does have an interesting  
> premise.  I
> think that it is a little bit weak in the plot supporting it at the  
> moment.
> First I doubt you should have all five lose the fight, it makes it  
> very
> dificult to justify their winning anything later and having just  
> Lita and
> Ami present would fulfill the plot need.  I remember this story  
> from before
> I am glad to see more of it coming out but you should I think go  
> back over
> it and consider what needs to be there and what doesnt to fill the  
> plot.
> More introspection from the charachters would be good as well as  
> fleshing
> out Lita's "plot" to discover the truth.  For example, theres no  
> reason she
> had to sneak into the building if shes a known visitor, and a more  
> natural
> reaction from someone of a scientific bent like Ami's would be to  
> deride the
> book rather than just sit there stonefaced and Lita should be able  
> to figure
> that out.

Oooh. Good points. I'm tempted now to scrap both chapters and start  
over, rather than a rewrite.