[FFML] [CCS] Shadow of the Dragon Chapter 12

[Henry Cobb]

On Nov 19, 2007 9:39 AM, David Barry <lordarchive at hotmail.com> wrote:
> Wandering around the school was boring in the middle of the night. It was no wonder ghosts were most often heard at night. They were all bemoaning the fact there was nothing to do!

The two mentions of night are redudant.  Why not try dropping the
first sentence entirely and see how it sounds without it.

> Reiko floated aimlessly through the school, only her upper body being solid. She had already stuffed the airhead's shoe locker and desk with rotten food. Unfortunately, the girl who had murdered her had started to take everything home, to prevent her from doing any more damage.

Are there limitations on her abilities as a ghost?  Does she have to
drag each discarded apple core one at a time out of the dumpster?
Does she have to scare off racoons to do so?

> With the only light coming from the lighted walkway outside of the apartment,

Again the two uses of light with so little space between them is a bit
jarring.  How does the light come inside?  Are there curtains on the
window with just a few beams into the gloom?

> "That should be my question." The woman smirked. "I'm Li Fanren, Syaoran's sister."

They're both women and you don't have to tag each line.  Try leaving
off some of the attributations now that both characters have been
introduced and indicate change of speaker with a paragraph break.

> Chapter 12: The Taking of Sakura
>
> Card Captor Sakura belongs to the fine ladies of CLAMP. Used without consent, all rights reserved.

I smirked at the consent line following the Taking title.

> While Sakura had no plans of leaving her shoes in her locker, she still checked it to see what Reiko's ghost had done to it over night. She smelled cleaner from it, but found it to be empty. She could only guess a teacher found the prank and took care of it.

What type of cleaner?  Does it smell of ammonia and look recently
wiped down, still moist with no dust?

> Sakura pouted at the dead girl. "I suppose saying that I'm sorry and that I had every intention of being the one to die that morning if it meant saving someone's life wouldn't be enough?"

Again the dialog is losing ground to the attribution beat down.

> Teikei gazed intently at the girl sitting nervously in his office. He had been keeping an eye on her since the Chinese boy arrived at the school. She had picked up a long list of injuries since Ichimai's death. The most notable ones weren't when Li was around, however he wasn't sure if the boy was completely innocent. Especially as Li was the only one near Kinomoto when her head was slammed into the shoe lockers.

Can these points be brought out in the dialog following?

> The disciplinarian tried to coax any information from her, but she wouldn't answer.

Are you summarizing the dialog that follows or are you indicating a
period of questioning that is not shown?

> Teikei's retort was prevented by a light tapping on his door. He growled as he moved to see who it was. He gazed hard at the dark haired girl holding up a video camera.

Dark hair is fairly common in Japan, even in Anime.  I think she
stands out more by having wavy hair.

> "Guilt, I'm afraid." Tomoyo sighed theatrically. "You see, Sakura-chan was in a position to save Reiko-chan, but didn't. Now she blames herself for the girl's death. She's been hurting herself because no one has punished her. We've been trying to help her, but over coming her feelings of guilt isn't easy."

Oh sure, convincing the school that your girlfriend is violently
insane is going to help so much Tomoyo-chan...

(Insert the Something Positive "For You" poster here.)

> Dozens of birds suddenly flocked around Sakura and the bird of paradise, which in turn brought the other students from Sakura's class who looked in awe at the giant colorful bird that seemed to be out of a fantasy story, yet was in fact a real bird. The attention caused Rakudo to be upset, making him fly away.

How did they show their attention in a way that upset him?  Did they
crowd around?  Make calls?  Was it one of the usual troublemakers?

> "Were we ever free?" the cockatoo retorted. "We were stuck in an aviary waiting for hand outs for food. And trust us, you were a LOT kinder than most of the kids we've seen."

Handouts, one word.

-HJC