[FFML] [Naruto] One Hundred Days - Chapter Sixteen: The Hundredth Day

[Aaron Nowack]

Eimii wrote:
> And so the 'fun' continues! You've made me anxious now, with the
> comments about getting closer to the 'really' uncertain parts ^_^;...

You think you're anxious, try putting yourself in my shoes. ;)

And I was so hoping that I could just fix a few typos, post this on
ff.net, and call it done, too...

As ever, my thanks for the comments, and anything I don't respond to is
probably answered by some variety of "thanks for catching that; will fix!"
>> There was a hiss as a drop of spittle fell from the demon's fanged maw,
>> a cloud of steam erupting where it hit the foul water.
>>       "What do you want?" Naruto demanded, struggling not to show the
>> primal terror growing inside him.  The demon's presence filled this
>> place, an aura of malice and hatred that dwarfed even the foulest, most
>> terrible power Naruto had felt from a human being.  Even the twisted
>> chakra drawn out by Orochimaru's cursed seals felt less evil.
> 
> I wonder how 'evil' the tailed demons really are; i think it was
> stated once that they don't even have an ego until they possess a host
> (though the ego that emerges at that point does indeed seem to be
> pretty evil in most observed cases). I suppose 'inhumanity' might be
> considered evil by humans, however, the stated rules in canon probably
> have several wild inconsistencies as well -_-;...

In this fic, they're pretty darn evil, and that's about all that really
matters.  I'll let Kishimoto work out the details of canon himself; I've
got enough plot problems of my own to ponder.  ;)

>>       Naruto took a step forward.  "What of it?  My friends are in
>> danger!  Of course I'm worried!"
> 
> Would Naruto really say 'what of it?' That expression always struck me
> as native to more 'cultured,' or at least more archaic forms of
> speech.

True; I'll probably just change to "So what?"

>> stronger than any physical blow.  Behind the bars of the gate, an
>> infinity of crimson, demonic chakra burned, and for just an instant
>> Naruto could see the demon in its entirety.
> 
> Hmm... i'm not sure its been stated to this point that the only thing
> Naruto could see of it before now was its face.

Not sure myself; but it's all that's ever shown in canon and I'm pretty
sure it's the only part of his body I've mentioned him seeing in these
scenes.

>> from its lips, landing with a giant splash on Naruto's side of the gate.
>> The blood began to swirl in the boiling water, fusing with the glowing
>> chakra that still poured out from the gate.  "Every time you brought my
>> chakra through, you let a piece of me out as well, brat.  Every time,
>> this accursed seal your so-called Fourth Hokage gave his life to create
>> weakened."
> 
> This seal is starting to have a not-so-good track record, isn't it? It
> didn't stop Orochimaru from using his arms for very long, either.

Orocihmaru cheated.  ;)

Anyway, it's always seemed to me that keeping a tailed best (which is
made from chakra) imprisoned and letting that chakra out for convenient
power-ups were fundamentally incompatible purposes that would inevitably
lead to trouble.

> Hmm... just a general note on this section: it does advance things
> quickly, which is good for a naruto section, but the lack of
> occasional descriptions of naruto's expressions, body language and
> tone sort of make it hard to gauge his reactions in this exchange.

Hmm.  I'll see what I can do.

>>       "You need to ask, Tsunade-hime?"  Orochimaru grinned, pausing
>> briefly in his forming of seals.  "I'm going to kill you."
>>       "You're going to try," the female Sannin corrected grimly.  She
>> frowned.  "This is no ordinary technique."
> 
> Indeed not - thought is there even such a thing as an 'ordinary'
> technque? Also, why did she not capitalize upon his pause to stop him?

Drama.  If everyone was being perfectly pragmatic, there'd hardly be any
dialogue at all in the fight scenes, but that wouldn't make for much of
a story.

I'll try to mess around and see what I can do to make it a bit less
obvious, though.

>>       "No," Orochimaru agreed.  "It's the same technique I used to
>> kill Sarutobi-sensei."  He smiled again.  "It seems appropriate."
> 
> That's technically a lie; Sarutobi killed himself to stop the
> technique, but the technique did not actually kill him.

Orochimaru prefers to claim credit for it.

>>       "Nawaki," Tsunade said painfully as she looked at the young boy
>> who was stumbling out of one coffin.  Then her eyes turned to the older
>> man emerging from the second.  "Dan," she added, her voice breaking.
> 
> You know, if Orochimaru were a pragmatic man and - you know - not a
> supervillain, he probably would have taken this unguarded moment to
> stab her in the back, rather than just basking in her agony. I wonder
> if pragmatism is considered a character flaw in the Naruto universe...

There's certain limitations on character actions and perceptions that
come with the territory of the genre, and its really easier to just
accept them.

I push things a bit more to the 'realistic' side with this story, but
I'm still playing more or less within the genre rules.

>>       The silver-haired man, clad in an archaic Leaf uniform, glanced
>> first at Tsunade's young brother, then at the man who stood behind him.
> 
> I wonder how far back you have to go for things to be considered
> 'archaic.' Dan couldn't have died more than 30~40 years previous...

Yeah, 'archaic' probably implies its older than it is.  I think I'll
just change it to 'outdated.'

>>       "If there is any justice in this universe, Orochimaru," Dan
>> said, "I will be able to travel to whatever hell your foul spirit is
>> destined for so that I may enjoy your suffering when you perish."
> 
> This sort of begs the question, 'What was he doing up to this point,
> since he died?' Would these summoned zombies even recall any sort of
> afterlife?

No earthly idea, and it's really far beyond the scope of even my
excessive tendency to world-building.  ;)

>>       "You," Tsunade growled, but despite her anger her voice wavered
>> as her eyes flicked between her brother and her lover.
>>       "Prepare to die, Tsunade-hime," Orochimaru said, and as though
>> that were a command the two dead ninja charged the Hokage.
> 
> Though i'm not sure if its excessive, you use 'two dead ninja' more
> than once in the last few paragraphs.

Come up with a better way to unambiguously refer to the pair, and I'll
be happy to change a couple.  :)
>>       "Raiton: Lighting Palm."  Dan's cold words made Tsunade's eyes
>> widen, but her moment of distraction kept her from dodging.  Electricity
>> crackling around it, Dan's open hand lightly struck Tsunade's stomach.
>>       The kunoichi stumbled backward as there was a crack like
>> thunder, almost losing her footing.  Dan moved into a low, sweeping
>> kick, but Tsunade just barely managed to recover quickly enough to dart
>> out of the way.  "Dan," she said, her voice breaking once more.
>>       "Katon:  Fire Dragon Blast!"  One of the man's hands went to his
>> mouth, guiding a jet of white-hot flame at Tsunade.  The Hokage raised
>> her hands to shield her face as the fires pushed her back against a
>> tree.
> 
> So is Tsunade more durable than normal people, as well, that she can
> be struck by lightning and bathed in flame without visible injury?
> Just a small point, but i wonder about these things ^_^;. Normally,
> unless they have some sort of defense that blunts the attack, ninja
> usually evade these sorts of attacks.

Yes, she is more durable than normal people.  Rock Lee (among others)
demonstrates that humans - or at least ninja - in the Naruto world (with
internal chakra use, perhaps) are substantially more capable than
real-world humans in a number of ways.  Orochimaru takes a fairly
powerful-seeming fire technique from Sasuke head on in the Forest of
Death, and all it accomplishes is partially destroying the disguise he's
wearing.

I might still still fiddle with this to explicitly have her use a
defense, though.

>>       Tsunade blocked the wrong strike, and all the images save the
>> real one vanished as Dan thrust Kusanagi through his lover's shoulder
>> and into a tree, pinning the woman.  His hand tightened on the hilt.
> 
> It seems like for a ninja as skilled as her, there should have been
> more options open than a simple block (and what did she try to block
> with, anyhow?)

Tsunade isn't really operating at full capacity.  As for the second
question... um... I'll probably change that.

> I understand that Tsunade would probably be weak against this sort of
> situation, especially considering that Dan's death was probably the
> source of he blood phobia, but wow... this was a pretty bad showing
> for her -_-;...

It's not over yet...

>>       Sasuke's eyes swept the battlefield.  The only person remaining
>> was one ninja trapped in Kidoumaru's webs.  Sasuke grunted to himself.
>> No point in staying here, if that was the case.  His body tensed, and
>> then he vanished in a sudden whirlwind of leaves.
>>       He reappeared once more atop a tree next to his nominal
>> teammate.
> 
> I always wonder if this is some sort of long distance teleportation
> thing, or if they're just moving fast, after creating a distraction or
> perhaps using a kawarimi of some sort. If it is long distance
> teleportation, then the Fourth's main trick seems much less 'special.'
> If its not a teleportation, then from Sasuke's POV, would he be
> 'vanishing?'

True; I'll play with this some.

> Tayuya didn't even glance at him, playing a rapid sequence of
>> notes on her flute, directing the demon below.  Sasuke glanced at the
>> battle, and it took him less than an instant to notice that something
>> was wrong.  Hyuuga Neji wasn't using his clan's famed Gentle Fist,
>> instead using his comparatively clumsy abilities at more standard
>> taijutsu.  Why?
> 
> Just one demon this time? Tayuya can easily control three, and one
> would think that would be more effective if she's got two opponents.
> The absence of the chakra-eating worm things is also puzzling.

Different, more powerful demon.

Didn't she only call out the chakra-eating worm things once Shikamaru
had pinned the demons with Kagemane?

>>       A moment's further thought, and Sasuke determined the answer.
>> The Hyuuga's opponent wasn't human.  What need had a demon for tenketsu
>> or even internal organs?  The monster was made of chakra, not flesh,
>> summoned from whatever foul realm it inhabited and given physical form
>> by Tayuya's chakra.  Any organs it had were merely... ornamental.
> 
> Still, if it's an ordered structure composed of chakra, by Neji's own
> reasoning, he should be able to break it down with the juuken.

I'll reword this to be more clear.

The intention is that it does have a physical body, but that damage to
it is more or less irrelevant because the body isn't it's real form.
Until there's enough physical damage to destroy it more or less
entirely, it can just ignore any wounds.

I don't _think_ that violates canon.

>>       A few moments later the two boys were on the ground, out of
>> sight of Tayuya and Lee's battle.  "You can't take my techniques," Neji
>> said flatly.
> 
> Of course he can! He's an Uchiha - pre-existing canon statements to
> the contrary are no bar to the unlimited power of the Sharingan!

I think between the two of us we've pretty much run that brand of
mockery into the ground... ;)

>> flew from his hands to pierce the heart of the first Neji, who vanished
>> in a puff of smoke.  "Shadow Replication," Sasuke said as he regained
>> his feet.  "You're not bad; it took me almost two seconds to know you
>> were using that technique."  An open fist strike disrupted the second
> 
> Hmm... i don't think its possible to make an 'open fist.' And 'open
> handed' or 'open palm,' maybe...

Yeah.  I meant one of the later, probably.

>>       "You be quiet," Ren said, forcing her to take a step forward,
>> toward Midori.  "Let Saburo out first."
>>       Midori hesitated, then said, "No.  We lock the bitch up first."
>>       "What the hell is going on?" Saburo demanded.
>>       "I'm trading her for you," Ren said, forcing Sakura even closer
>> to the open cell.
>>       Midori stepped aside.  "Go ahead," she said.
> 
> Another plethora of 'said' here, though that's just a pet peeve of
> mine. I hardly ever use that word -_-;...

I find too much avoidance of it to be just as bad as overuse; it's a
hard line to walk.

>>       Midori crossed her arms, shielding her face from the worst of
>> the blast as she stumbled backward.  "Ren!" she shouted.
>>       The Mist kunoichi smiled, opening her hand to reveal the ring of
>> keys Midori had dropped.  Wordlessly, she threw them as straight and
>> true as any kunai, through the bars of Saburo's cell.  Grinning, the boy
>> began to work his way through the keys, searching for the one that would
>> free him.
> 
> Is Saburo not chained to the back wall? Cage-style cells with
> mechanical locks that can be reached from the inside always strikes me
> as a poor way to keep ninja captive...

There's presumably some sort of wardings that prevent a ninja of
Saburo's relatively low level from getting into too much trouble.  I'll
try to see where the best place to explicitly mention it without being
to expository is.

>>       "You okay?" Ren asked.
>>       "I'm fine," Sakura said.  "Just... a little drained.  I usually
>> don't transform my Perfect Replications like that."
> 
> Transform? I'm not sure i'm understanding what happened here...

Sakura made two perfect replications, and made one look like Ren.  I'll
try and make things more clear.

Incidentally, I'm not repsonding explicitly to a lot of your comments on
this scene because I've already decided based on your earlier comments
that this subplot needs work.

I just haven't worked out what or how drastic the changes will need to
be.  I'm hoping I can do something that at least is self-contained to
the plot and doesn't require everything else to get reworked too.

>> through the open doorway and down the hall, crashing through a stone
>> wall, and into the large dining room.  A wooden table shattered under
>> him as he landed, and the Uchiha cursed.  He stood, pale green chakra
>> encasing his hands and soothing the pain of his many injuries.
> 
> Though apparently none of the shattered bones or grave internal
> injuries he _should_ have, after that...

Cursed-seal granted stamina, or something.

>>       There was a moment of perfect stillness.  Then Naruto howled,
>> and Sasuke jumped away seconds before two chakra tails would have
>> ensnared him.  There was a tiny rip in Naruto's shirt, and through it
>> for just a second a small, bloody gash was visible.  In the blink of
>> eye, it was healed, and Naruto jumped after his opponent.
> 
> Also, should Naruto not be bleeding at this point? He has two tails
> out, after all...

Not sure what you mean, here.

>> seals, dense, corrupt chakra began to flicker around his hand, arcing
>> out like electricity as he plunged toward his foe.  Naruto jumped up to
>> meet him, chakra limbs and tails racing ahead of him.
> 
> Does the Chidori even use seals, normally?

Yes.

At least, I'm 90% certain on that.

> That's all for now, though we're nearing the end! Huzzah! More C&C to come...

Thanks again for the comments!

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/