[FFML] [Naruto] One Hundred Days - Chapter Sixteen: The Hundredth Day

[Aaron Nowack]

Eimii wrote:
>> I know this hardly one of the great vaporware chapters of fanfic
>> history, being only a bit more than half a year in the writing, but it
>> certainly felt like it took way too long to me.  :)
> 
> You could've been a condender! I was looking forward to some sort of
> brutal, ritualistic cage match amongst the Vaporware Fanfiction
> Authors to establish your place in the pecking order of the damned...

Heh.  I'd lose horribly.  Haven't even been writing fanfiction long
enough to be a real contender.

> Seriously, though, better late than never ^_^. Speaking of witch, i
> would have C&C'ed this sooner, but i was getting ready to go out of
> town when it was posted- and, as i'm currently still out of town as i
> write these words, and i may well be _back_ before i finish looking
> over this long chapter, i hope you can forgive my tardiness -_-;...

Hey, nothing _to_ forgive.  I'll take whatever C&C I can get, whenever
it comes, and be grateful for it.  :)

>> [Day One Hundred]
>>
>>        Yakushi Kabuto frowned as he stepped into the narrow hallway of
>> cells.  Mitarashi Kimi had not returned from her mission to find her
>> wayward student Ren.
> 
> As we're coming in on the middle of 'unfolding events,' and what
> happened previously was detailed in the last chapter rather than
> glossed over, using their full names here might not be appropriate. We
> all know by now who Kabuto and Kimi are, and using their full names
> sort of reduces the 'immediacy' of events.

Hmm.  I'll think on it.

>> accomplish something.  Kimi did not strike him as a stupid woman, and
>> she would not have betrayed the Sound without some clear purpose in
>> mind.
> 
> I suppose that might depend on how much of the seal's potential she
> anticipated being able to unlock herself. If she was confident that
> she could attain the power of the seal without becoming Orochimaru's
> slave (and it does not seem that the seals impress loyalty directly
> upon minds/souls of the users) then she might weigh her options and
> find a greater net profit in fleeing on her own. After all, Orochimaru
> is notriously uncaring about the lives of his pawns.

There is some element of mind control to the seals, but, yeah, it isn't
an instant loyalty-switcher, particularly with someone as strong-willed
as a jounin.  (Midori was more vulnerable, and could probably have been
brought over to Orochimaru's side anyway, so the seal affects her much
more swiftly and completely.)

Presumably Kimi did intend to abandon the Sound at some point (and
Kabuto surely knows that), but the benefits of remaining greatly
outweigh the risks at this point.

>>        The second potential explanation was that Ren had somehow
>> defeated her teacher.  A more foolish man than Kabuto might have
>> rejected this possibility out of hand, but Kabuto had witnessed enough
>> upsets to know that it was hardly impossible.  He had seen more unlikely
>> results come to pass, after all.  If Ren was truly that determined and
>> strong, no doubt she would already be preparing another attack.
> 
> "He had seen more unlikely results come to pass, after all." seems
> like a superfluous sentence, as you already mention that he's
> witnessed many upsets.

Right; will reword.

>>        Kabuto favored the still form of Kimi's sister, chained to the
>> wall in back of one of the cells, with an irritated glance.  Her
>> breathing was slow but steady, a sign that he had indeed dosed her
>> correctly.  It would be several more hours before she awoke, which would
>> give him enough time to engage in a few preliminary investigations
>> before drugging her again.  There was no one in the world who had borne
>> one of Orochimaru's cursed seals longer than Mitarashi Anko, and there
>> was no telling what examination of her body would reveal.
> 
> Well, unless you count 'patient zero,'  though i guess his is
> 'natural,' so it may not count...

That character hadn't even been hinted at in canon when I wrote this
scene.  And, anyway, he is not canon for One Hundred Days.  I've stated
all along that I was only taking the anime through the Rice Field
Country filler arc as canon, and I feel free to alter or ignore anything
else.  (And occasionally the stuff I take as canon too, but let's not
get into that...)  Most everything from the past few arcs in the manga
is firmly in the "ignore" camp.

Just integrating the revelations about elemental ninjutsu and affinities
alone would require fairly substantial rewrites.

> Speed of breathing can also be faked, too, but i realize that for the
> sake of brevity one might not include other things Kabuto might be
> able to do to make sure she's truly sleeping.

Yeah.  It's "a" sign, not "the" sign.

>>        From the next cell over, Aoki Saburo glared at the Sound ninja
>> as he opened the door to Anko's cell and carefully unchained the woman.
>> Kabuto gave the captive Mist ninja a slight smile, and the boy's anger
>> became almost palpable.  Kabuto began to consider just what Saburo would
>> say when his reserve finally broke.
> 
> Hmm... he 'begins' to consider it, but you don't elaborate. Not wrong,
> really, but i wonder if there might be better word to use, unless you
> wanted to say that Naruto interrupted his thoughts or something...

Poor wording there; will fix.

>>        It was the third prisoner who spoke first though.  His voice was
>> tired and bleary, but Uzumaki Naruto's own anger was clear as he said,
>> "What are you doing with her?"
>>        Kabuto almost dropped Anko, but instead he gently placed her
>> down and turned around to face the blond boy.
> 
> 'Place' is usually used when you say that the person/object was put
> someplace specific, rather than just 'down.' 'Set' is usually used in
> that case.

Roger.

>>        Kabuto just stared silently at the waking boy, a more disturbing
>> possibility coming to mind as he realized that if Jabisen had failed to
>> drug the prisoners last night Anko should be waking as well.  It was
>> possible that he had dosed the special jounin but failed to do the same
>> to Naruto, but Kabuto found that more unlikely than the alternative.
> 
> Hmm... a little wordy there. I would just end the first sentence with,
> 'the waking boy,' and begin a new one at, 'if Jabisen had failed'...
> actually, i would make them one sentence, with a semicolon in between,
> but that may just be me. Anyhow, just a suggestion.

True; I'll rework this bit.

>>        The Kyuubi's presence inside Naruto gave the boy extraordinary
>> healing capabilities, Kabuto knew.  It could even prompt unnatural rapid
> 
> Probably don't need 'Kabuto knew' as we know you speak from his POV at
> the moment. Also, it should probably be either, 'unnatural, rapid'
> with that comma there or, 'unnaturally rapid.'
> 
>> regeneration, to an incredible extent if Sasuke's report of the battle
> 
> I'd put write that 'regeneration - to an incredible extent, if' to
> better represent the flow of thought.

Right.  In fact, if I just ignore this sort of comment from here out,
it's safe to assume that it's because I'm tired of writing various
versions of "You're correct; I'll fix that."  ;)

>>        Giving the still-unmoving special jounin a mournful glance,
>> Kabuto relocked the door to Anko's cell, then proceeded to unchain and
>> pick up Naruto.  Ignoring Saburo's angry, silent gaze, Kabuto left,
>> ascending through the labyrinthine corridors to his laboratory.  He
>> barely had time to secure Naruto to the examination table before the boy
>> began to stir.
> 
> Hmm... do they not keep Anko chained as well? If she were to come to,
> she's probably dangerous enough to escape even with Jabisen guarding
> her.

She was indeed chained earlier in the scene.  Kabuto is neglecting to
rechain her. (In some versions of this chapter's outline, his
forgetfulness became important.  Wound up not really mattering, though,
so I might go back and change it.)

> And that's the end of the first scene! Further comments to follow!

Thanks very much for the C&C!

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/