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moment to excuse herself to answer it. She met with the man and bowed. "Oh,
she's been expecting you. Wait here."

The man nodded and stood waiting. Kasumi rushed back to the living room.
"Nabiki, your guest is here."

Nabiki slapped her forehead with her open palm. "Damn, he's early." She was
about to come up with some sort of an excuse for him to come back later when
the man burst into the room, holding bouquets of flowers in each arm.

"I cannot allow my darlings to wait when I am already here. Come Akane! Come
Pig Tailed One! I've arrived to recieve your loving embrace!"

Nabiki sighed in relief. "Sis, that's not who I was waiting for."

Kasumi replied, "he isn't? I thought you were dating him."

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "One date doesn't make us a couple."

Tatewaki Kuno smiled as he rushed into the kitchen and grabbed Akane in an
amorous hold. "My fondest Akane, no need to fear for I am here to comfort
you!"

Akane struggled but she couldn't fight him off and finish cooking the
dumplings at the same time. Or perhaps she could? She slammed the hot
skillet into Kuno's face, hurling him into a wall. She skillfully caught the
flying dumplings back in the pan and placed the sizzling meal back on the
stove. Furious, Kuno pulled out his wooden bokken in defiance. "I doth see
that the foul sorcerer still hath you under his spell."

The young Tendo grabbed the tall Kendoist and yanked him into the backyard,
so she can kick him into next week. Nabiki pointed her thumb towards the
kitchen and Kasumi raced inside to see how fast she could undo all the
damage Akane had done to the food.

With a swift kick, Kuno went flying into the sky. After she watched Kuno
fade from view, Akane looked down and saw that a gorilla had her pet pig.
She focused her anger at Ace, "you give me back my P-Chan, RIGHT NOW!"

"It's the gorilla girl!" Ace bent down and flapped his arms like a bird.
"Come my pretties... Fly... Ugh..." He fell backwards as someone grabbed his
leg and violently shoved him backwards.

"Ain't gunna work a second time." Ranko stood up from the pile of cats, no
worse for wear. "Now, you're mine."

"Oh?" Ace confidently replied. "I see my kitties weren't enough to contain
you."

"I've been training. You let myself go into the Neko-Ken last time. But
now..." She grabbed the detective by the collar. "I'm just going to kick you
back to America."

"But I got what you want."

Ranko blinked. "Huh?"

"I've got a jar of it, right here." He reached into his shirt.

"You... You've got Nannicuan? Water from the Spring of Drowned Man?"

"Better! I've got a jar of catnip!" He opened the jar and sprayed powdered
catnip all over the girl. Ranko coughed and wheezed from the foul odor and
fell backward.

Akane had seen enough. "Give back my P-Chan or..."

"Charlotte!"

"Oh, no, not her!"

Azusa Shiratori roller-skated in from nowhere and snatched the little pig
from a very surprised gorilla. "And you can be my Jean Claude!" The gorilla
didn't have time to react as Azusa tied a pink bow in his hair and used more
ribbon to tie up the simian so he couldn't move. "YAY! My little Charlotte
has a play date with Jean Claude!"

Akane pointed a finger at Azusa. "This is all your fault!"

The skater stuck her tongue out at Akane. "No, it's not! You took away my
Charlotte!"

Ace opened his hand expectantly. "My fee?"

"Oh, yeah, here you go." Azusa tossed a gold coin at Ace, who quickly
examined it with a monocle, then pocketed it.

"Pleasure doing business with you."

"My Charlotte! My Charlotte! I'm going to give you a bath, then we can play
dollies, then we can play with Jean Claude, isn't that so... So..." Azusa's
attention shifted faster than a 5 year old with severe attention deficit
disorder. "Oscar! So that's where you've been hiding!"

Ace stood back. "Oscar?"

Akane scratched her head. "Oscar?"

Nodoka looked around. "Who's Oscar?"

Ranko stood up, after coughing out the last of the catnip from her lungs.
She pointed into the house. "He's Oscar."

Everyone looked at the panda cringing behind the couch. "My name is Mr.
Panda."

Azusa jumped in glee. "It's Mr. Oscar Panda!"

Nodoka shrugged. "I didn't know his name was Oscar Panda, but it does make
sense. I think."

Ace looked at the panda, then at Azusa, then back at the panda again, then
finally at Azusa. "He's your panda?"

She skated over to the panda and quickly tied him up in blue ribbon. "Of
course silly! Oscar plays with me all the time! See, he likes it when we
play. He and Jean Claude are going to be best friends!"

Ace read the paperwork he got from the zoo. "I'm confused."

Nabiki sat back and quietly muttered. "I'm not."

"Then, what? Who? Gaahh!" Ace pounded his head with the paper trying to
unscramble his brain and only succeeded in messing up his perfect hair. Ace
was not pleased. Then, a light bulb turned on and he gleefully asked, "so,
since I found Oscar for you, I need to collect my fee."

"I already paid you!" Azusa bounced angrily.

"That was for Charlotte. I need my fee for Oscar."

Azusa pointed to the cowering panda. "Oscar? But he isn't lost. He's right
there."

"That's because I found him."

"I found him!"

Ace shouted back. "I found him!"

Azusa slammed a stone statue on Ace's head, "I found him! He's MINE! MINE!
MINE!"

Ranko watched the pummeling with satisfaction then got angry and yelled, "I
was supposed to take him down!"

Akane didn't know who to feel sorry for, Ace who was rapidly becoming a
pancake, or the stone statue since it did belong to her family and Azusa
might be doing damage to it. "I think she's got it under control."

Ding Dong! The doorbell chimed.

Nabiki groaned, "I hope it's not him!" She rushed to the front door, away
from the shouts and pummeling and gave a practiced smile. Opening the door,
she confirmed her fears.

A burly Japanese man was standing outside the doorway. "Good evening, I'm
Mr. Koji Utada of the Ueno Zoo. I'm here to see a Miss Nabiki Tendo."

Nabiki grinned, "I'll be right with you." She slammed the door shut and
braced her body flat against it to keep it from reopening. "This is not
good. I gotta think fast."

In the backyard, Azusa was stomping on Ace's back while shouting, "MINE!
MINE! MINE!"

Ace spoke a word between each stomp, "a... little... help... here?"

The Stormtrooper Squirrels unlocked their weapons, they aimed at the target,
and fired. With the same precision as the Stormtroopers in the Star Wars
films, tiny pebbles were launched in all directions striking everyone only
because every single thing in the yard was under attack. Kasumi clapped her
hands. "How cute!"

Ranko raised her arms to defend herself from the barrage of tiny rocks.
"Yeah, right."

Nodoka stepped back to avoid being hit by the discharge from the squirrels'
weapons and retreated to the safety of the kitchen. Kasumi watched in
fascination as the pebbles bounced harmlessly off of the kitchen window.

Akane angrily marched toward the closest squirrel and gave it a swift kick,
sending it flying into the air, only for it to be caught by a passing
chipmunk on a speeder bike.

The rest of the squirrels stopped their firing. They glanced at each other
for a second, then they all charged at the young Tendo. Akane barely had
time to scream before dozens of squirrels covered her and knocked her to the
ground.

"Akane!" Ranko shouted and ran to her aid.

Ace groaned out a single word with each impact on his back, "Don't....
make.... the... squirrels.... go... nuts...."

Azusa continued, "MINE! MINE! MINE!"

Soun gave his friend an accusatory glare. "You said that this was a
foolproof plan."

The panda replied with a wooden sign, "I underestimated the power of fools."

Ranko yanked squirrel after squirrel off of Akane until all that remained
was the creature in her hands. "A-a-cat!!!"

The cat screamed, "RRWWOOORW", which meant in lol cat language, "u odor r
catnip!!!" Wanting more, the cat leapt from the girls' grip and latched onto
her face.

With that, Ranko spun about, and ran around the yard in total panic,
"caaaaat!"

To which the cat replied, "MMMeeeooowww!", which meant, "u has flavor!"

Seeing their leader was in trouble, the Chipmunk Commanders activated their
comlinks and gave new orders to their troops. In moments, the squirrels
regrouped and formed two ranks and took flanking positions. Seconds later,
they fired in unison at Azusa. "Ow! Stop that! Bad fuzzballs! Bad!"

The squirrels fired again, this time they knocked the skater off of Ace and
she and her pet piggy fell into the koi pond.

Ace moaned, "good work guys. Get Mr. Panda and it's double walnuts for you."

Instantly, a net was cast over Mr. Panda, further immobilizing him. They
encircled the bear and a few formed a defensive line and trained their
weapons at Soun.

Despite all the ribbon and netting, Mr. Panda produced another sign, "do
something Tendo!"

Soun answered. "My hands are tied Saotome." In fact, they were, and the
squirrels were busy tying up his feet as well.

Ace stood up and gallantly commanded his troops, "second wave!"

A plethora of Ninja Raccoons came running in to assault the house when they
were all bowled over by a terrified red-haired girl screaming, "C-c-cat!!!"

Ace shrugged. "Third wave!"

Three Imperial Chipmunks on speeder bikes swooped in and were almost at the
rear entry of the house when Akane sat up from where the squirrels had left
her. She screamed and raised her arms in a defensive pose and the three
bikes slammed into her, throwing their riders up and over the roof, wrecking
the vehicles and knocking the young girl out cold.

Ace was a tad worried. "Fourth wave?"

His monkey sidekick gave Ace the raspberry.

"Aw, man, you're no help. Why do I even keep you around?"

The monkey produced an envelope.

Ace adjusted the collar of his Hawaiian shirt nervously. "Oh, yeah, that."

The monkey smugly made the envelope disappear and gave Ace another
raspberry.

Undaunted, Ace commanded, "Qui-Gon Pecan! You're up."

A squirrel in a Jedi robe came out of the shadows and produced a green
glowing lightsaber. He made a pose, then performed an intricate kata with
his weapon. Once he was done, he was about to charge when he was flattened
by a running girl covered in cats. "AAAAAAHHHHH!"

Ace sighed, "Sixth wave?"

The few animals that remained shook their heads, no.

With a scream of "C-c-aaaat!" Ranko slammed into the back wall of the
compound and fell backwards. A moment later, she bounced up and went,
"Meow!"

Ace wondered. "What is it with this country and catgirls?"

A mew came from the red haired girl and she hopped up and stood on all
fours. She playfully batted the cats away from her, took a step forward and
fell over rolling on the ground. The catnip's full effect took over and she
wiggled around in glee.

"I guess I won't be needing this." He tossed the yarn ball away.

Ranko popped up and pounced on the yarn and purred.

Nodoka gawked at the sight before her. "Ranko! That's no way for a lady to
behave!"

"Now with that over with, it's time to collect my bounty. Troops!"

The Stormtrooper Squirrels appeared around Ace. Most had their helmets and
uniforms off and all of them had guilty looks on their faces.

"Let's take Bon-Bon home." He marched into the house, past an objecting
Nodoka and stopped right where the panda was. "Where is he?"

The squirrels shrugged.

"What do you mean, you don't know? You were watching him!"

The squirrels and chipmunks whistled and looked around the room randomly.

"Hey! What did you do?" He looked at the crime scene. Shells, bags, pits and
seed casings littered the area. "You sellouts! Who bribed you?"

They quickly looked around for a scapegoat and pointed at a small man who
just entered the back room. "Woo hoo! What a haul!" He paused and studied
the intruder before him with a cautious eye. "Who are you?"

"Who are you?" asked a perplexed pet detective in reply.

"I'm Happosai, the founding Grandmaster of the Anything Goes School of
Martial Arts. Who the heck are you?" He raised a battle aura that looked
like a demonic version of the tiny pervert, only it filled the room.

"I'm Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and you can call me a cab!"

Happosai dropped his battle aura in response. "You're smarter than you look.
You can call one yourself. The phone is right on the credenza. Now, I'm
busy." Happosai bounced out the entryway and into the back yard followed by
a loud shout of, "Sweeto!"

"Oh, crud." Ace sighed. "It's back to the drawing board." He glared at his
legions who were busy munching on assorted nuts, fruits and flakes. "Ahem."

They filled a bowl with shelled peanuts and the detective hungrily shoved
his face in it and ate heartily.

"In all my days..." Nodoka shook her head in disgust. "I've never seen
anyone with table manners such as yours."

Ace looked up from his bowl and licked away the peanut crumbs from his lips.
"Yeah, great isn't it?" He proceeded to continue munching on the peanuts by
slurping them up out of the bowl.

"Americans! They're barbarians!" Nodoka stormed out toward the back only to
find her favorite niece in a very unflattering situation. She gasped in
shock. There, sat Ranko, dressed in a tiger striped leotard, cat ears, tail,
furry paw shaped mittens and surrounded by cats. Happosai tossed away an
empty box and smiled in approval.

"You disgusting little pervert! What have you done to her?"

Happosai gave an evil laugh that brought a chill down Nodoka's back.
"Nothing, except make her look more fitting for her friends."

Producing her katana, she unsheathed it and pointed it at the tiny man.
"What you did to her is not becoming of a proper young lady. You deserve to
be punished."

On cue, Ranko stopped licking her paw and pounced on the little pervert. In
seconds, a dust cloud appeared and screams of pain emerged that were loud
enough to be heard clear across town.

In a truck, driving toward the Ueno Zoo, Nabiki heard that sound and smiled.

Ace and his minions paused in their feast at the sound of a vicious cat
fight and the sight of a woman holding a Japanese sword. "That's our cue to
leave! Boys?" Leaving empty bowls in their wake, he and his army disappeared
out of the front door and into the night.

Kasumi came out of the kitchen with a rat wearing a chef's hat on her
shoulder. "I would never have thought of that. It really does bring out the
flavor. Come back and visit us soon." The rodent nodded and scurried off
after his friends.

"Ranko! Stop that this instant!" Nodoka spoke with authority and sheathed
her sword. "If I was your mother, I'd have to send you to your room without
supper."

Ranko stopped and sat cross legged in front of Nodoka, holding a thoroughly
beaten Happosai in her mouth. She gingerly placed the pervert on the ground
and nudged him with her nose in her mother's direction. As the little man
flipped over, a billfold fell out. Nodoka recognized just what it was. She
snatched it and slipped it into her kimono. "I'll see to it that this is
returned to its rightful owners, thief."

Soun crawled out of his hiding place from under the couch. "Oh, Mrs.
Saotome, thank you for finding that."

"This is yours?" asked the elder in surprise. She opened the billfold and a
bill of sale fell out. She picked it up before Soun could take it from her.
"According to this, it belongs to my husband."

"He entrusted it to me."

Mrs. Saotome glanced down at the unconscious evil man. "And I see that his
trust may have been a bit misguided. Since this money belongs to my husband,
it therefore falls onto me to ensure its safety until such time as he
returns with my son. There is of course one little matter remaining."

Ranko purred happily.

"Ranko, that panda was yours, and my husband had no right to sell him,
unless. Did you ask him to sell him to the zoo?"

The catgirl happily purred and nuzzled her paw, nodding her head as she did
so.

"I see, so by all rights, this money is yours. I'll deposit it in a bank
note until you reach age of majority."

Akane slowly sat up. "What happened? Ranm..." She saw Mrs. Saotome nearby
and her currently female fiancee. She held out a piece of straw and waved it
at the smiling cat girl. "Ranko. Here, kitty kitty." Ranko hopped into
Akane's lap and fell fast asleep.

With Ranko safely recovering, Akane looked around and saw the damage in the
backyard. Hearing her father cry, she asked, "Dad?"

Soun stood weeping over the lost money, pausing only to answer his daughter.
"Yes?"

"What just happened?"

Soun bawled his eyes out even more. "I don't know."

A pig's squeal followed by a shout of pain from Ranko blasted into Akane's
ears. The red head leapt into the sky. "AAAHHH!"

Akane's wayward pig jumped from Ranko's rear where he had just bitten it and
landed in her lap. "What? Oh! P-Chan! What did that Azusa do to you?"

Azusa staggered out of the koi pond, soaking wet. "WWWAAAHHH! My dress!"
Shedding tears, she jumped up and down in fury. "My dress! My dress! My
dress!" She stopped for a moment and saw a new shiny object. "Jean Claude!"

The gorilla was still tied up in a pink ribbon, hopelessly immobile and
dismayed that Ace had left him behind.

"YAY! You're coming home with me Jean Claude!" Her pig forgotten, she spun
around at high speed to shake off all the water and flung out another ribbon
which ensnared the ape. The girl roller skated down the walkway, into the
street with a panicked ape dragging behind.

Kasumi came out of the kitchen, holding a plate of dumplings. "Dinner's
ready."

Ranko came back down to Earth with a splash, right in the center of the koi
pond. She popped her head out of the water and brushed a koi from her
shoulder. "Did I get him?"

Akane replied sarcastically. "Yeah, you got him alright."

Ranko raised her arms in triumph. "YEAH! Ranma Saotome never loses!"

Nodoka popped out into the backyard. "Ranma? He's here?"

"Uh, oh."

Akane sat at the table and fed P-Chan a dumpling. "You've got some 
explaining to do, Ranko."

Ranko, tapped her fingers together as she figured out her next move, "Secret 
technique! Fast Break!" She darted off.

Nodoka wondered, "how did she learn that technique? My husband used it all 
the time."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you sure these measures are necessary? They're just pandas" Mr. Utada 
scratched his head as he was reading the plans laid before him.

Nabiki nodded her head and pointed to a diagram of steel netting that would 
completely enclose the panda pen. "Trust me. He's a master of escape. If you 
don't do this, he'll be back at my place by morning."

"But, the cost?"

Mr. Ito interrupted, "as curator, I have to make sure there are no more 
escape attempts. This panda is crucial to our breeding program. Mr. Utada, 
as Chief of Security, make this happen. I don't want Bon Bon to vanish 
again."

Bowing in respect, Mr. Utada replied, "as you wish, Sir." He took the plans, 
rolled them up and went off to make the arraignments.

"Now, Sir, as per my agreement." The middle Tendo held out her hand 
expectantly.

The curator pulled out a pay envelope, "before I give you this, how did you 
manage to restrain Bon Bon? I mean, blue ribbon?"

"It got the job done, didn't it? He's safe at home and he isn't going 
anywhere right now. Once you put up those barriers, he'll stay put."

"How do you know so much about this panda, Miss Tendo?"

Nabiki smirked. "I just know how to take care of pets."

Outside, a truck backed up to the panda den and stopped just short of the 
gate that would lead inside. On the truck was a steel cage containing a very 
sad looking panda bear. He held up a sign that read, "I'm not a panda. I'm a 
human being!"

A zookeeper walked up to the cage, holding an armload of bamboo shoots. 
"It's dinner time. Aw, look. Isn't that cute? It's almost like he's trying 
to talk to us."

Another zookeeper agreed. "Yeah, too bad it's all that circus training they 
gave him, isn't that right?"

The first laughed, "yes indeed. It's a good thing we got him. Ain't that 
right Lin-Lin? We got your boyfriend back."

Safely behind the steel bars of the gate to the pen, Lin-Lin bared her teeth 
and growled.

Mr. Panda turned his sign over. "I'll prove it to you! Get me hot water!"

"He wants hot water? Didn't she say he'd ask for that?"

The second zookeeper tossed his bamboo into Lin-Lin's pen via a food chute 
and quickly slammed the tiny door shut as a paw with sharp claws tried to 
come out. "Yeah, but you know the new rules. All water given to the pandas 
must be cold. Seems like Bon-Bon's got a problem with hot water. That's why 
he took off."

"Hot water? Oh, well. It just leaves more for use to wash the truck with. Ha 
ha ha!!!" The two men laughed in unison.

Lin-Lin stared at Bon-Bon with hateful eyes.

Mr. Panda squirmed. "This isn't worth the money!"

"I'd disagree." Nabiki Tendo walked up the to cage with a cat like grin on 
her face. "Now my sister can go to college and get a medical degree. As for 
me, my way is all planned out, and Akane, well, she's got Ranma." She let 
out a chuckle on the last few words. "And you? You and Lin-Lin make a great 
couple."

Shaking the bars and finding that they wouldn't budge, Mr. Panda assumed the 
Crouch of the Wild Tiger, begging for mercy.

"Wrong technique, Mr. Panda, shouldn't you be doing Carp on a Cutting Board 
instead? Bye-bye!"

Mr. Panda's sign read, "I'm so doomed."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was dawn on the savanna. A lone figure climbed up pride rock, carrying 
the most precious thing in the whole kingdom. Slowly, gently, he ascended, 
holding the heir to the kingdom in his hands. Below, hundreds of animals, 
large and small, stood at attention awaiting that magic moment. Just as the 
figure reached the top, the music rang to a crescendo, the light shown 
brightly and he presented the cub for all to see.

To the cheer of the audience, all the animals at once, bowed down to their 
new prince and Ace was pleased.

The loudspeakers came on, "thank you for attending our show today. We'll be 
performing again at 3 and 6."

Ace turned to the angry baboon who was upstaged by a bigger baboon. "Next 
time, you hold him, he stinks."

The cub made a relieved smile as he wet himself and Ace at the same time.

"Now he really stinks."
------------------------------------------------------------------------


Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and 
prevents me from writing another Ace Ventura story ever again.

Last edited on Thursday, December 27th, 2007