[FFML] [Ranma][OMG] Happosai's Life of DOOM #6

[Brian Randall]

On 7/6/07, Rebecca Heineman <burgerbecky7 at yahoo.com> wrote:
> Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 6, Divine interest.
>
> Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess
> characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke. Other characters appearing in
> this chapter are owned by their respective property holders.

This should be interesting.

Much delayed response ... that pesky 'real' life. -_-

Same disclaimer nonsense applies; take what's useful, ignore what's not.

> By Rebecca Ann Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental
> Goddess" by Sinom Bre.

Hum.  I wonder what DFR is up to these days.

> Urd reached over and plucked a tissue out of the dispenser and gently held
> the soft paper under her eyes. A tear welled up and slowly moved from her
> lower eyelid and toward her nose. She sniffed and wiped away the tear as she
> leaned forward in sorrow. "Why? Why did that have to happen?" She asked to a
> room that was devoid of human or divine life. Banpei, the household robot,
> sat nearby, holding the box of tissues and blinked the lights in his eyes in
> response.

happen?" She -- happen?" she

> The goddess crumpled up the soft moist paper into a ball and crushed it in
> her fist. "The scoundrel! How could he!" She stood up and threw it across
> the room at the image of a very handsome man on her television set. "You
> cad! She loves you!"

I think you want a comma between 'soft' and 'moist'.

> Banpei flashed his red eyes and reached over to pick up the used tissue. The
> robot was just over a meter tall, white and wore a very wide brimmed black
> hat that looked like it was a cross between a trashcan lid and a Chinese
> straw hat. He wheeled over to a wastebasket and tossed away the garbage,
> then he scurried back to his place next to Urd. From where he was located,
> she could easily reach the box of tissues he held. He was always present to
> lend a hand whenever Urd watched her soap opera.

Heh.  This is plausible.

> "NOOO!!!" Cried Urd as the ending credits scrolled up on the screen, her
> eyes sparked angrily and she pointed her finger at the TV. A lightning bolt
> shot out, shorting out the television set and sending a puff of black smoke
> to fill the room with a foul stench of burning plastic. Coughing, the
> goddess floated out of her bedroom and into the hall.

NOOO!!!" Cried -- NOOO!!!" cried

Though, I don't know about multiple exclamation points.  Just one
would probably do.

> "Don't expect me to fix that." Skuld, Urd's baby sister and resident
> tinkerer, said as she peeked out of her workshop down the hall. "And I'm not
> lending you mine so you'd better fix it yourself."

that." Skuld -- that," Skuld

> The little robot followed Urd out into the hall which attracted the
> attention of his creator. "Hey, Banpei! Get in here!"

Separate clauses; I'd put a comma after 'which'.

> He stopped and backed away from his master. Skuld crossed her arms in
> dismay. "Don't you go anywhere. I need you here, c'mon I haven't got all
> day."

I think you may want to start a new sentence with that final comma.
Maybe switch it out for a full stop?

> Urd had to think of something. Her next soap opera was coming on in thirty
> minutes and she couldn't watch it with a fried TV. She picked up the remote
> and pressed the 'on' button. As expected, nothing happened except that the
> smoke cleared a little. She randomly pressed buttons until another spark
> came from the TV startling the Goddess of the Past. She tossed the remote to
> the side and sat down in thought. How can I bum off a TV from Skuld? As she
> sat there, an odd feeling came over her. A very uncomfortable feeling, one
> she hadn't felt for a long time and had hoped to never feel again. She
> focused to find the source and came up empty. The feeling vanished, yet its
> effects were unforgettable, regrettably "No..." She whispered. "He can't be
> in Midgard, can he?"

TV startling -- I'd put a comma after this 'TV'.

regrettably "No.... -- seems like some punctuation is missing here.

> She stretched her arms out and flew out of the room, down the hall and
> landed at the doorway of the kitchen. She peeked inside and found her sister
> Belldandy, the Norn Goddess of the Present, wearing a brown floor length
> housewife's dress and apron. She was putting the last of the dishes away
> into the cupboard. "Hey, Bell, did you feel that?"

'Norn Goddess'?  I'd shorten it to either Norn or Goddess; you might
want to double-check how you introed Skuld and Urd to make sure you're
consistent, whichever you choose.

> That wasn't what Urd was expecting for an answer. "Uh... Okay. If you say so
> sis. But seriously, did you feel anything weird right now?"

so sis. -- so, Sis. (when used in lieu of a proper name, titles should
be capitalized)

> Urd backed away from the kitchen, wondering if her sister's happy condition
> bordered on a mental disorder. She paced down the hallway back toward her
> room when her baby sister popped out of nowhere and ran into Urd.

Hmm.  I think any rational human would wonder about that.  But this is
Urd we're talking about, who both knows her sister, and is infinitely
more demented than Bell.  Maybe she should wonder if Bell knows
something she's deciding not to share, which would be just as much
cause for unease?

> "Hey, watch where you're going, big sister." Skuld had a frightened look on
> her face as she got back from from her place on the floor. "Did you feel
> that too?" She asked with worry and a little fear.

that too? --- that, too?

> "Like someone touched you?"
>
> Skuld didn't answer, but the shocked look in her eyes did that for her.

Wow, this isn't a [lemon], or even (right now) [lime], but that makes
me feel dirty.

> "You felt like someone touched you, where you didn't want to be touched?"
>
> "How did you know?" She was aghast. Skuld stepped back, eyes on the verge of
> tears. "It was horrible."

...yeah.

> "You're safe." Urd kneeled down a little to match her smaller sister's
> height.

kneeled -- knelt

> She looked up and deep into Urd's eyes, searching for comfort in her big
> sister. "You sure, promise?"

I don't think that last phrase parses.

> Skuld frowned at Urd's avoidance to her question. But Bell might know, she
> was the one everyone turned to for advice and this time was no different.
> The two goddesses went back to the kitchen and as soon they entered the
> doorway, they froze. There, in front of them was their sister, dressed in a
> skin tight red leotard with yellow trim and thigh high vinyl boots. Her
> outfit had vinyl strips trailing like a set of tails and some adorned her
> shoulders. It was the uniform she wore when she was possessed by a familiar
> courtesy of a manifestation of Hild. The two goddesses stared at their
> sister, then for a moment, at each other. Skuld shrugged and Urd commented.
> "Things are really wrong now."

know, she -- know; she

commented.  "Things -- commented, "Things

> "Why? If this is a system bug, I can take care of it myself. I'm a Yggdrasil
> debugger you know." For effect, she held her debugging hammer and gave it a
> playful practice swing. "If a bug's here, It's mine."

It's -- it's

> "Hmm..." Thought the goddess of love. Despite her mannerisms and attire,
> she's acting exactly like she usually does. Urd couldn't sense a trace of
> evil coming from Belldandy and nothing else around the house seemed out of
> place. Maybe this can work to my advantage? If she's like this and Keiichi
> doesn't wimp out, perhaps my sister will finally get over it and sleep with
> him. Urd closed her eyes and scratched the back of her head and gave a small
> laugh. "Nah, nothing's wrong. I'm going back to my room and get some beauty
> sleep."

Too bad she already called HQ for backup.  Though, that'd be a
hilarious scene.  Bell goes to make a move on K1 and then Asgard's
elite bust in to break it all up....

> "Oh, that's nice. Good night, sister." Belldandy's heels clicked as she
> strutted down the hall to the laundry room.

sister -- Sister

> "I've got to find out whatever did that to her. I could sure use that potion
> on some stuffy mortals on my love list." Urd remember there was this
> specific match up that's been giving her trouble for the last year and
> something like this may be just what the Doctor ordered to get them to admit
> their feelings for each other. At the least, it would make their lives a bit
> more interesting until it wore off. She spent a moment chuckling at
> different scenarios a love potion of this type could create when she froze
> as she realized that the house was going to be invaded by goddesses any
> moment now. That won't do! It will ruin this chance for Keiichi and
> Belldandy to finally be a married couple. She flew into the air and straight
> into Skuld's room. Whizzing by her sister, she snatched her the phone right
> out of her hand and put the handset up to her face.

Heh.  Thought so.

remember -- remembered

> Waving her sister off, Urd stammered out some hastily prepared excuses.
> "Yeah, Peorth, it's me. What do you mean, who are you? It's me, Urd. This
> was all a big misinderstanding so you don't need to come on down."

misinderstanding -- misunderstanding

> Urd trembled at the sound of that unholy word. "Don't say that name again.
> If you say it three times, he might show up and trust me, you don't want to
> meet him."

up and -- up, and

> "Well?" Skuld tapped her toe expectantly, "I'm waiting."

expectantly, "I'm -- expectantly.  "I'm

> Incredulously, Urd watched her sister leave without starting a fight or
> doing something rash. What a refreshing change of pace, she wondered. "Wow."
> Then she heard a ticking sound. Looking down, she saw why. "Oh, wow." The
> Skuld bomb exploded, sending Urd through the boarded up front doorway and
> into the front lawn.

wondered -- marveled (perhaps?)

> A bright ball of energy collected in the base of the barrel and a moment
> later, the barrel exploded, sending Banpei into the heavens and leaving a
> toasted Skuld standing in the bottom of a newly dug crater.

Not the least bit surprised, but nice.

> Urd sat there not really understanding why her sister decided to blow
> herself up. "You've got my attention now."

there not -- there, not

> Stepping out of the kitchen from the end of the hall, a black cat with a
> star on its forehead watched the area intently. She sat and kept silent
> vigil at Belldandy's door.

Hum.

> A beat up white hearse, swerved to avoid a slow moving car and barrelled
> down the highway as if the world's survival depended on it getting to its
> destination on time. Ray Stantz was driving and he lowered the window with
> impatience. He placed his hand just outside to force the night air into his
> face. He stopped holding his breath and breathed in the fresh air as he
> changed back from blue to a more natural color. "Man, that thing stinks."

hearse, swerved -- hearse swerved

> Egon looked up from his notes. "The Japanese value cleanliness. They bath
> almost religiously. It's possible that this demon isn't from the Japanese
> islands but from another pantheon."

bath -- bathe

> Peter Venkman was taking in the sights as they went down the main highway
> toward Tokyo Bay. Once in a while he squirmed in his seat as Ray changed
> lanes. Cars driving on the left side of the road made Peter unconfortable.
> Egon's boring lectures were more uncomfortable. "And this is important,
> why?"

unconfortable - uncomfortable

> Dr. Egon Spengler opened up one of his notebooks and held out a sketch he
> made of Happosai. "Notice the demonic marks on his face. That's a typical
> trait of the Norse Pantheon. It's the tentacles I'm trying to figure out.
> There's no reference to them in Norse Mythology."

Mythology is not a proper noun (unless Egon is specifically referring
to, I suppose, a class (also known as perhaps Finnish Studies 235:
Norse Mythology)), but Norse is (I believe).

> "Yen?" Winston was a bit concerned. "We're still rich right? I mean. they're
> Japanese dollars, right?"

mean. they're -- I mean, they're

> "There goes my raise." Winston moaned. "Do we have enough to pay me just a
> little bit more? Eleven-five a year sucks you know."

sucks you -- sucks, you

> "Great, so we're still broke." Peter lifts his hands up in despair. "We just
> can't get a break can we?"

lifts -- lifted (mind your tenses)

break can -- break, can

> "That would be impossible." Egon said without looking up from his hand held
> computer. "Sing Sing won't take inmates arrested for crimes in Japan, we'd
> probably be incarcerated for a few days and then deported."

Japan, we'd -- Japan; we'd (or a full-stop)

> Egon looked up from his palm top computer. On it was a page from Wikipedia
> about the Norse gods. "Yes."

Touche.

> Peter poked his head out of the window and greeted the officer with a
> cordial smile. "Howdy, officer. I don't speak Chinese."
>
> "Don't worry," spoke the detective in perfect English. "Neither do I."
>
> Egon tapped Peter on the shoulder. "They speak Japanese here."

Wow.  I haven't thought about the Ghostbusters in years....  They seem
very well captured, here.

> The detective saw no humor in Peter's statement. Taking these people
> downtown sounded like a great idea. Maybe a few days incarcerated, then a
> deportation should show these foreigners some respect, and it would help
> cheer up the detective. "You all look the same to me too."

me too -- me, too

> Miyashi relucantly took his hand to give it a shake. "Detective Miyashi,
> Nerima Ward, I want you to tell me what you were doing at the Tendo
> residence."

relucantly -- reluctantly

> Ray leaned over toward the passenger window, "You're not from the E. P. A.
> are you?"

E. P. A. -- E. P. A., (you actually could also remove the spaces
between E.P.A., or even list it as EPA, but whichever you choose, be
sure to remain consistent)

> Miyashi, confident that no one was left in the car. Hobbled backwards,
> taking extra care not to aggravate his injures. "Now, what's in that box
> you've got in the back? Is it dangerous?"

Eh....

car.  Hobbled -- car, hobbled

injures -- injuries

> "Stop or I'll shoot!" Narita ran to assist the detective, all the while he
> kept his gun aimed at the Mexican Jumping Box.

I keep meaning to ask ... why is Miyashi's assistant named after an airport?

> Narita was too busy watching the box hop around, trailing a thick cloud of
> smoke that he didn't hear Egon's warning. He aimed his pistol and the moment
> the box hit the ground, he fired off a round. The bullet sparked off the
> metal and caused no real damage.

First:

smoke that -- smoke, that

Then:

too -- so

Try looking at the line with the parenthetical aside omitted:

Narita was too busy watching the box hop around that he didn't hear
Egon's warning.

Vs.

Narita was so busy watching the box hop around that he didn't hear
Egon's warning.

> "Cease fire!" Ordered Miyashi as he got up from the flower bed. "We're at a
> gas station!"

fire!" Ordered -- fire!" ordered

> Narita stood back, ready to take another shot when the box suddenly stopped
> jumping. It sat there, emitting even more smoke than before.

Hum.  This goes a bit counter to actual Japanese gun control laws, but
then, this is Ranma/OMG/Ghostbusters, so ... I'll hold my tongue. ;)

> "Is it like the river of slime?" Egon pulled up a note on his computer about
> their adventures with Psycho Kinetic slime that nearly destroyed New York.

Psycho Kinetic -- Psychokinetic (really; neat, huh?)

> He snatched a large bottle of sake and slurped it down in one slurp, then
> threw the empty bottle to the ground in disgust. "Aw! That didn't work!"

slurp -- gulp (just to avoid repetition)

> Ray rolled his eyes. "There goes our paycheck guys."

paycheck guys -- paycheck, guys

> Miysahi felt strange. His injuries had healed and he felt light as a
> feather. With his new found strength, he easily got out of the hole in the
> ground. He pulled off his bandage on his right arm and found that the skin
> underneath was completely flawless. In fact, it was too flawless. Gone was
> the fine hair that normally was on his skin. He followed his arm and got a
> good look at his hands.

new found -- newfound

Also, a lot of repetition of 'his' in this paragraph.

> His tranformation was complete. Her cup size was officially a D and her
> measurements would rival that of a woman who posed for Playboy Magazine.
> Miss Miyashi's long black hair grew down to the small of her back and her
> suit and tie changed into a little black evening dress with matching black
> pumps. Pantyhose appeared on her legs and a light amount of makeup adorned
> her flawless facial features. The now female detective didn't have time to
> fully comprehend what happened before she had something attach itself to her
> breasts with an iron grip.

tranformation -- transformation

> "Hotcha!" Happosai sucked out her energy in the only the way a true pervert
> could, through burying his face in her bosom. Without a word, the
> detective's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she fell backwards
> into the crater.

could, through -- could: through (suggested)

> Narita came out of shock and slowly approached the crater, fearful that
> whatever happened to the detective was contagious. He kneeled down and
> looked into the crater and found his boss lying on the bottom wearing his
> suit and tie and he was back to normal.

kneeled -- knelt

> Miyashi opened his eyes and stared at the sky. "This has been a really,
> really long night."
>
> Nodoka Saotome felt happy as she slowly closed the door to the spare
> bedroom. Inside, on the floor in assorted sleeping bags was the Tendo
> family. Kasumi, at her father's insistence, slept in the bed, while the rest
> slept soundly in their travelling bags. Nabiki's bag was the one that seemed
> to be in pristine condition while poor Ranko's looked like it had been used
> non-stop for years. Mrs. Saotome insisted Ranko use her son's old blanket.
> The girl was so grateful, she seemed on the verge of tears when she hugged
> it as if it was a long lost treasure.

Missing scene divider above?

Travelling -- traveling

> Still, when the minister announced he was performing a lesbian wedding,
> Akane didn't raise an objection. That made her very concerned about that
> Tendo's upbringing. Akane had been acting more like a boy than a girl ever
> since she had met her, yet the young Tendo wanted so hard to try to learn to
> be a good wife by working in the kitchen. She had already mastered boiling
> water and her curry could use a little work, but it was decent. However, her
> violent streak wasn't going to win her a husband and she had to be more like
> Ranko. She was going to be a perfect wife one day.

The 'she' is unclear in the final sentence.  I suspect you mean to
indicate 'Ranko'.

> That was so long ago, she thought. She closed the door to her bedroom and
> went to her dresser drawer. On top of it was a faded old photograph with an
> expensive looking silver frame. It was a picture of her, holding her little
> boy in her lap. She remembered that day well. She had taken Ranma to the
> park and he was climbing the trees, showing off his skills to the other
> kids. There was even a little boy he played with before the boy's father
> took him away when they took their okonomiyaki business to another city. Mr.
> Kuonji was kind enough to take this picture only a few days before he left
> the city. It was a few months later, when Ranma left too.

Hum.  Nodoka knows Ukyou's father?  This will change things, I expect.

> She opened the top drawer and there was the paper that sealed her fate. On
> it, was a promise that her son would return someday, a man among men, or he
> and his father would perform seppuku, ritual suicide. Silently, she prayed
> that she would never have to perform the task of being their second; the
> swordsperson who'd slice off the heads of the condemned once they had
> plunged their short swords into their bellys. It was a mission of mercy, but
> the only mercy she would feel was when she would use the Saotome family
> katana to slit her own throat to follow her son to the grave. No, Ranma
> would never disappoint her. He was a man, someone any mother would be proud
> to call her own. She had to have faith.

bellys -- bellies

> As she lay down in her bed, she felt at peace. Somehow, she knew her prayer
> had been answered.
>
> Cologne sat in her bedroom, reading from an ancient text. She closed the
> book and hopped on her cane. Her long white hair billowed as she hopped
> toward a bookcase and she grabbed two books of interest and went back to her
> desk to study. She reached out to turn the page when she stopped to examine
> her hand. It was shriveled, aged and old. She sighed in envy at the few
> moments she had that reminded her of the body that she had thought she was
> never going to see again; the body of her youth. She and Shampoo were only
> five hundred meters away from the Tendo home before she felt the years catch
> up to her. In only a few moments, her body and clothes reverted to their
> natural form.

'nother missing scene divider?

> Despite her desire to regain that youthful body, she thought the better of
> it. Anything involving Happosai came with a terrible price and something as
> priceless as eternal youth had to have a cost just as infinitely valuable.
> Whatever that cost was, Cologne was wise enough to know that it was too
> high. Still, she allowed herself a smile, because that little taste of her
> lost years was something that was going to make this old woman remember that
> she's still got a little spark left in her old bones. Going back the her
> study, she read a few paragraphs before there was a knock at the door. "Come
> in Shampoo."

she's -- she'd

in Shampoo -- in, Shampoo (offset proper names with commage).

> The purple haired Amazon girl came in holding a bowl of ramen. "Here you go,
> Great-Grandmother, dinner!" She carefully placed the bowl on the table,
> close enough for her elder to easily reach it, yet a respectful distance
> away from the ancient Amazon texts.

purple haired -- purple-haired (Not actually sure about this one...)

> "Thank you, child." She turned the page and found a picture that caught her
> interest. "Oh, heavens, Happi!"

child -- Child

> The old woman looked up at her descendent and star pupil. "This is what he's
> become." She pointed to the picture. It was of a hideous looking monster
> with long tentacles emerging from its back.

descendent  -- descendant

> Cologne read the text to the bottom of the page, and the next page made
> reference to a different kind of demon. "It seems that there's nothing we
> can do but ride this out. There's nothing in here to say what can do to
> defeat this creature. It's as if they die off before anyone can attempt any
> sort of countermeasure. I hate to say it, but this battle is already won. We
> just have to wait few days, and Happosai will die." She sat back in her
> chair. "Oh, Happi, you've really screwed up this time."

Yeap.

> Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and I
> won't inform your friends and family that you've secretly read Mad Magazine.

No secret about that!  Okay.  Interesting.  Curious to see where this goes.

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.