Subject: [FFML] Re: [yyh][ry][xover] Youtou Shinnoken Chapter 12, To Protect Loved Ones (Part 8)
From: DB Sommer
Date: 2/25/2007, 11:53 PM
To: Abdiel
CC: FFML <ffml@anifics.com>


% Bare in mind I have never read the previous chapters.
________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 12: To Protect Love Ones (Part 8)
________________________________________________________________________



The Hitokiri Battousai shielded himself the best


% ‘as best’ sounds better to me


It was Genbu's head, the only remnant of the once huge Saint Beast,
sitting prettily on a nearby mound of rock. Curiously enough, it was
chuckling, smiling its ever-present mangled grin.

% Always annoying when they do that.

"You should have finished me off when you had the chance.

% In all defense, decapitation usually works.



The destruction filled the air with tons of earth merging upward then
falling down, with nearly a third of the landmass collapsing into an
eroding sandpit thanks to Genbu's desperation move. Much of it fell
directly on top of Battousai, since that was where the destructive wave
was aimed.

% ‘was centered’ sounds better to me.

<Damn you, samurai. Damn you for making me think I'm more than what I
truly am. Damn you for making me die a warrior's death, even though a
coward like me doesn't deserve it.>

% Interesting look into is psyche.

Unfortunately for Genbu, instead of a bang, his fight ended with a
pathetic whimper.

% Bah, he’s too destroyed to care one way or the other.


She blinked. It was as if she was blind before, but now, because of the
dazzling globe of light, she could see clearly for the first time. And
just past the Shrine of Light, she did indeed see a lot.

% ‘a lot’ feels too mild. Use something stronger, or at least a 
different phrase with more impact.



The river looked to be nearly a mile wide. And

% wide, and


Apparently, a master-level Kaiwan involved making both of your arms
hideously large, distorted, and hypertrophied.

% Heh. Didn’t know that was a word.

With unearthly reflexes
he gained

% reflexes that he gained (or)

% reflexes gained


But Yusuke wasn't quite done with Randou just yet. Seconds later, the
demon descendant utilized his superior reach, reloaded, and connected
with another blistering Rei-Kou-Dan combination to the belly and head
featuring a left uppercut to his enemy's chin. In retaliation, the ever-
persistent Randou dug a right-handed Byakko Sou to the body and a left
hook to the face of his opponent.

% Nice fight, keeping the tension up.



 >From there,

% Ah, the ever present ‘>” preceeding a ‘from’ at the start of a sentence.

Keiko could see that the river downstream forked three ways.

The right fork, near the bank that she was closest to, wound off into
the distance, and she could see lush fields, and forested mountains.

% It was the Hell of Intelligent Plant Life, that devoured any human 
spirit that went near it. The whacky Chinese had come up with every hell 
imaginable.


And, as

% Recommends dropping off ‘and’ and starting with ‘As


"Those people are supposed to get reincarnated," Ayame explained
helpfully.

% While I do use adverbs liberally, I recommend not overusing them. Ax 
‘helpfully’ in this case. It doesn’t really add to the statement, which 
is obviously helpful.


"Where does that middle fork go?" she asked her Spirit World Guide.

% Ayame: To the left of the soup spoon and right of the salad fork.


For a moment, she couldn't see it. It was even worse than trying to look
at the middle fork. Her eyes kept skipping past it, almost on impulse,
because each time she almost saw it, a feeling of immense dread twisted
her insides. But then, she took a deep breath, and forced herself to
stare, unblinking, until it slowly came into view...

% It was something worse than hell: New Jersey.


Randou's heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second as his vision
was filled with stars. Very briefly in his mind, he thought he saw a
bloody river filled with souls of the damned; he thought he saw the
Gateway to Hell.

% He should be running into Keiko and Ayame soon. ^_^

Though the demon hit the deck hard on his backside, he nonchalantly
popped to his feet after a few seconds,

% If it took a few seconds, it wasn’t that nonchalantly.


Yusuke made a clucking sound with his mouth. <Using a technique again
and again, even though it doesn't work? He's getting desperate,> he
assessed

% I’d reword it and just started with ‘As he dashed”



Ayame was staring

% Ayame stared (I recommend)

"Mission accomplished. The subject, Yukimura Keiko, has now been
sentenced to spend fifty years of her spiritual life in Level 34 Block 7
of the Purgatorial Sector due to the insubordinate behavior she
displayed earlier... just as planned," she communicated telepathically
and emotionlessly before flying away from the River Styx; curiously, she
was the only ferry-girl present in the veritable river of dead souls.

% My, what a surprise. I did not see that coming.


***




Though the elbow drop in and of itself wasn't particularly worth
mentioning, the mere fact that Yusuke was about ten times larger than
Randou at that instant made the move about ten times more painful.
It
was like being elbow dropped by a whale, if whales had elbows.

% Good point. 


Where was she? Oh yes... darkness. She hated the darkness because it
reminded her of loneliness and isolation, something that just didn't sit
well with her people-person-ness, if that was a word.

% And if not, she’s cute enough to get away with it.


Needless to say,

% If it is ‘needless’ then don’t say it. Just drop off that part and 
start with Botan


..Yes, there was still no such thing as a Reikai ferry-girl admission
test; a _written_ one, at least. A practical exam, on the other hand...

% That sounds sinister.

<What the hell am I supposed to do now? I can't face Urameshi like this!
He just tore apart my Kaiwan like it was made out of human flesh instead
of hardened demon-grade muscle! I'm definitely out of my league! Forget
it! I'm just wasting my time!>

% First smart idea he’s had since the fight began.


Randou closed his eyes; the only thing he could do now was wait for
oblivion.

% Which will occur in the next chapter.

% Wow, talk about an all fighting chapter. I fear it became repetitive 
halfway through. My recommendation is to concentrate on the thoughts 
rather than the constant ‘two fist, five fist, one hundred thousand fist 
combo’ type things. Even if it means combining the two chapters.

% Having not read this before, I had no real problems getting a grasp of 
what was going on. Aside from the repetitive bit, nice read. I 
definitely enjoyed it.

DB Sommer


***






 



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