Standard Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am not
God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.
Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.
It also occurs to me that my non-godly lexicon may not be at par with yours, so
any unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
Mmmmm. Victim. ^_^
On 11/1/06, Ben Jernigan <selfemployedninja@gmail.com> wrote:
Pursuit of Happiness
Chapter 5
By Exar
Wow. It's been a year since this chapter and the last chapter. You have the
same writing rate as... me! Or Christopher Angel, Bob Schroeck, and Zorknot,
but ain't none of us got anything on Angus MacSpon and Krista Fisk. :P
Still, this fic's just ten pages on the Word Processor. This chapter's kind of
on the lean, Nicole Richie side, methinks. Any particular reason for that
(since your fics are usually seventeen to twenty pages long)?
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are
created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with
certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life,
Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Same comment as before in my last C&C on 'pursuit' (should be capped, IMO), but
since you seem to not care whether or not the word should be capitalized, then
I'll let the matter drop.
Kasumi sat in the bathtub reflecting on her day. She'd
Suggest: bathtub, reflecting on her day. (add comma)
actually gone on a date, something she hadn't done since
grade 9. It had been fun, even though Ranma had clearly
Suggest: grade 9 --> grade nine
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case.
It was awkward at first. Ranma didn't seem interested in
talking, and Kasumi's conversational gambits at small talk
A Saotome Gambit?
She lifted her head as she heard the outer door to the bath
slide open. A male voice said, "Oh. The sign's up. Someone's
in there. guess I'll come back."
guess --> Guess
Grammar Rule #76: Proper capitalization is the difference between "I helped my
Uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."
"It's alright, Ranma. I was just about to get out." Kasumi
alright --> all right (since in the last chapter, Kasumi was using 'all right'
instead of 'alright'; always be consistent)
Also: out." Kasumi --> out," Kasumi
said quickly, before he could leave.
"Uh, ok. I'll wait outside." Ranma said and started to open
ok --> okay (you're better off spelling this word out so that the dialogue
seems more like dialogue to the reader rather than a textbook lecture; i.e.
prose should contain no abbreviations and some such)
Grammar Rule #17: Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.
Also: outside." Ranma said --> outsides," Ranma said
The speech indicator error is kind of perplexing, since there was a complete
lack of it in Chapter 4. How weird...
Grammar Nazi: Then we'll just have to remind him about it again till he never
forgets. (mutters) Selbst wenn wir ihn zwingen mussen, geschlecht mit einem
mopp zu haben, zwecks unseren punkt hervorzuheben. (ahem) When there's a speech
indicator (said, asked, replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the
dialogue (anything the character says inside the quotation marks) is being said
by the 'speaker' (hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's
dialogue with a period instead of an exclamation point or a question mark,
please replace the period with a comma. If there's no speech indicator in the
following statement after the dialogue, then the following sentence is a
separate sentence that has nothing to do with the dialogue.
i.e. "I'll say something," Kasumi said. "Now see me say lots of things, but
this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue and
'she added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence," she
added. "Oops, I think I made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.
Silence greeted the Tendo homemaker as she climbed out of
Tendo home-wtf? Jeez, seems like you've picked up the nasty habit of
inappropriately and needlessly replacing nouns and pronouns with epithets and
noun phrases. As I've told Ace (Batter & Curses) and Adrian Moten (For Better
or For Worst-Case Scenario), "Remember, pronouns and the actual names of your
characters are your friends. Use them more and balance them out with the
'bandanna boy/Anything Goes Master/redheaded girl/chef/Amazon' name
substitutes."
the tub, toweled off and pulled on her nightgown and robe.
toweled off, and (missing comma)
She opened the door to the changing room and smiled at Ranma.
"The bath is still warm, enjoy."
Suggest: warm, enjoy --> warm; enjoy/warm. Enjoy
As she walked past him, she reached over and took hold of
his arm. Very quietly, she said, "Thank you for a wonderful
a wonderful --> the wonderful
Ranma did his own reflecting later on, up in his room. He
Suggest: reflecting --> thinking
reflecting (adj): shiny, sparkly, shimmering (not to be confused with
reflection = contemplation, consideration, deliberation)
Like I said in chapter 4: Keep your prose simple.
did enjoy himself tonight, and was amazed at how smoothly
everything had gone.
Me too. I mean, just why is everything going so smoothly? Whatever happened to
the fundamental Law of Murphy, where things that can go wrong will go wrong?
Where's the conflict, fic?
I do believe that without conflict, you don't have a story. More on this later.
Even running into Ryoga and Shampoo
hadn't seemed as awkward as he'd feared it would be. Though
why Ryoga seemed to make a pass at Kasumi was beyond him.
Er, why is Ranma not feeling jealous over the fact that Ryoga is making a pass
at Kasumi the same way he'd feel jealous whenever Ryoga makes leeway with
Akane?
Making Ranma suddenly act more mature is one thing, but showing just how he
became mature and how he learned the virtuous of maturity is a whole other
thing altogether. Sudden character lobotomy does not constitute as character
development.
"Maybe she just likes being with someone who likes being with
her, but isn't all obsessive like Mousse." He mused.
Mousse," he mused (speech indicator)
Mousse: Hey, that kind of rhymes. Well, not really, but... (blinks)I forgot
what I was trying to say.
He'd never
known before tonight about her deep love of spy novels. Her
favorite author was apparently a British man named Jack Higgins.
His stories featured various desperate characters who fought
characters who --> characters that ('who' refers to specific people; 'that'
refers to people in general, i.e. 'characters')
Ryoga sighed as he looked at the stars. He was laying on a
hillside, the grass dry and warm with the dying of summer.
Wow. Nice descriptive prose right there. You're improving quite a bit, Mr.
Exar. ^_^
Shampoo
lay beside him, her head on his chest, where she'd fallen asleep.
"She's so beautiful," he whispered, stroking her hair.
(raises eyebrow) Too bad I still have my problems with the content.
The night had been surreal for the eternally lost boy. As the
time till the festival had approached, Shampoo had seemed to get
more and more angry with him for ruining her date with Ranma. But
when it was time to leave, She had smiled at Ryoga and told him she
was going to try to have a good time, and just forget about Ranma
for tonight.
leave, She had --> leave, she had (capitalization error)
...At first, the Casanova Point plot point was mildly amusing, but using it to
Ryoga's advantage such that you can pair him off with random Ranma fiancees?
That's pushing it, fic.
They had ended up having a very good time. Ryoga's Casanova point
letting him know just what to say and do, and never letting his
nervous nature come to the fore.
Er, the second sentence seems off. As in 'sentence fragment' off.
Revise: Ryoga's Casanova point was letting him know just what to say and do,
and it never let his nervous nature come to the fore.
He regretted it hadn't been with
Akane, but he had admit it had been a very good date. he'd even
he'd --> He'd (capitalization error)
managed to avoid going out of control and hitting on other women,
aside from one unfortunate slip with Kasumi.
So _now_ that he has Shampoo, he's beginning to reign in his Casanova Point
powers? That's... really contrived, man.
Then they had come to this hillside to watch the fireworks. The
two martial artist had laid down in the comfortable grass, close
had laid down --> lay down
Recline Put Down Tell Untruth
Present: I am lying down. I am laying down the He is lying.
book on the desk.
Past: I lay down I laid the book on He lied yesterday.
yesterday. the desk.
Present I've lain in bed I have already laid He's lied all his
Perfect: all day. the book on the desk. life.
to each other but not indecently so. But as they watched the
Lots of 'but' words. Suggest getting rid of the last 'but'
That is: But as they --> As they
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat repeat any
words.
beautiful blossoms of fire and light, Shampoo inched closer to
Ryoga. Finally she was curled up against his side, and stroking
his cheek.
Um, 'and stroking his cheek' sounds car-wreck awkward, IMO.
Revise: She was finally curled up against his side, stroking his cheek.
Or: Finally, she curled up against his side, and then stroked his cheek.
Also: Finally, she curled up against his side while stroking his cheek.
Ryoga assumed that it was the Casanova point that made
him take her hand in his and gently claim her lips. She kissed him
back fiercely, passionately, and wrapped her arms around him. They
stayed there for several minutes, stopping only to breathe and
whisper sweet nothings. Eventually, they wound down and Shampoo
remembered herself.
Actually, amidst all the groping and cuddling, you're missing a point of
conflict here that you can take advantage of.
Fic: What point of conflict?
_This_ point of conflict...
Ryoga: I should be enjoying this; Shampoo is the first girl to be this close to
me, but the only reason she's doing it is because I'm under the Casanova
Pressure Point's spell. Damn this, how do I know which emotions are real and
what are induced? It's not fair, it's just not fair! I'm so close to having a
girl's love but when the Casanova Point wears off, I'll be back to shy and
awkward ol' Ryoga, and I might lose any chance I had at true happiness. Damn
it!
I admit it's a bit too angsty, but if anyone can pull it off, it'd be Ryoga. Of
course, this is merely a suggestion, and I'm not writing this story for you. Do
what you want. As for me, I do believe that this is something an IC Ryoga would
mull over.
"Ryoga," she said quietly, "Shampoo so sorry. Shampoo know you not
Airen, and she know you love Kitchen Destroyer Girl, but Shampoo
so lonely. She so far from her home, she never see her friends
anymore, never see her mother.
Shampoo: Father make cameo appearances in manga a lot, though.
Hmmm. Usually, this sort of love-love can only come from Shampoo being defeated
by another, stronger guy (that's incidentally as handsome as or more handsome
than Ranma). Shampoo willingly settling for a guy that she 'created' using the
Casanova Point? That bit is also a bit much to swallow. But then again...
Shampoo just want feel loved for a
little while."
Awww. Despite the tangy aftertaste of OOC, this part is halfway dramatic. ^_^
Kudos again, Mr. Exar. I have to give you get credit here. The premise really
isn't all that bad. I mean, almost everyone in this fic may be wildly OOC but
in a bizarre, twisted sort of way, halfway interesting plot points are popping
up with these new attitudes of theirs. If only you can explain or (at the very
least rationalize) their current personality changes in a better, non-contrived
sort of way...
She kissed him again, lightly and oh so gently, her lips salty with
the flavor of her tears. Then she slid down and laid her head on
his chest, continuing to cry. She made quite a wet spot on his
yellow tunic before she finally drifted to sleep, leaving Ryoga
alone with his thoughts.
In the darkness a dozen yards away, starlight gleamed off a pair
of round glasses.
Well, _this_ point of conflict ain't so bad either.
Cologne's face creased (more)
Heh.
with worry as she put a hand on
Shampoo's shoulder.
"Child, you know that he doesn't love you. It's only that pressure
point talking. He's obsessed with that Tendo girl, as surely as
the Part Timer is obsessed with you."
Ah. So the point of conflict I was talking about _is_ being explored here, but
only through Cologne's eyes. Cool. ^_^ IMO, it would be much better if Ryoga
was the one who first thought of this fact, angsty and antsy boy that he is.
Fresh tears slid down Shampoo's cheeks as she replied. "Shampoo knows,
but it was so nice to be loved, even for just a day. Even though
Shampoo know it not real."
Aaaawwwwwww... (sniffle) How touching.
"If you wish to try, Shampoo, this one is almost as good a fighter
as Son-in-Law. If you can steal his heart, he would be a fine addition
to the tribe, and father many strong daughters. But be careful, Child.
I don't wish to see you get your heart broken yet again."
(nods sagely) Sounds about right, and since Shampoo herself chose Ryoga
without the mortal combat thing, it's romantic to boot. Too bad it was because
Ryoga was hit with the Lobotomy Point, er, Casanova Point.
Oh, and as an added congratulations, thank you for spelling 'Casanova'
correctly this time around. ^_^
Shampoo gave Cologne a hug and said, "Thank you, Great Grandmother.
Shampoo will be careful."
Shampoo's a big, strong, girl. Heck, she's been able to take Ranma's rejection
all this time. Who knows, maybe in this fic universe, she'll be Ryoga's Akari.
Er, well not exactly Akari, but still... You know what I mean. ^^;
I actually _like_ this plot point in general, even though how it came about is
a bit iffy. I'm especially looking forward to what would happen once Ryoga's
Lobotomy Point wears off. >:D
"Thought you could steal my Shampoo away from me, Hibiki? Right in
front of me, no less?
Ryoga: Well, yeah. Kinda. Seeing that you're now talking to a fire hydrant.
Mousse: Silence, Hibiki! (kicks fire hydrant) Ow!
I'm just wondering how 'Three Blind Mousse' ever managed to get Ryoga tied up
in the first place. ^^;
"That's why I'm mad, you moron! I've stood by her all this time,
and when her loneliness overcomes her, who does she turn to? YOU!
Not me, the faithful one who's been there for her, who's longed for
her, but you, some idiot transformed by a pressure point into the
perfect man."
Heh. The only time she ever showed any kindness to you is through the second
Ranma movie, and that's not even manga canon.
Mousse: "Nihao, My Concubine"? That's my favorite movie!
...I can imagine.
With a mighty heave, Ryoga uprooted the tree and bent at the waist,
clobbering Mousse with the trunk. He then twisted to the side and
streched out his arms, snapping the stout cords like string.
streched --> stretched
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Hmmm. You made an actual, honest-to-goodness typo only after eight pages into
this C&C. Good.
With a inarticulate battle cry, Ryoga charged at Mousse, cocking
back his fist to pummel the Master of Hidden weapons into the
weapons --> Weapons (since you've capped 'Master of Hidden', you might as well
cap 'weapons' as well)
Grammar Rule #72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer.
With a flick of his wrist, he launched all four of his throwing
knives at Ryoga, trying to stall him. Ryoga quickly parried three
with a thrown bandanna, but wasn't quite fast enough to dodge the
fourth. It lodged itself in his upper arm. The pig cursed martial
pig-cursed (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
Mousse took full advantage of Ryoga's distraction and leaped to the
top of a nearby streetlight. From there he let loose a barrage of
thrown weapons, shuriken, chains, swords on chains, explosive eggs
and anything else at hand. Ryoga whipped off his belt and knocked
projectiles from the air as fast as he could. He still got stung
Suggest: knocked projectiles from the air--> knocked the projectiles/deflected
the projectiles
"Is that the best you've got, Mousse? Is that all you can do, Duck
Boy? You seem to like throwing things, try this on for size!"
Suggest: Since you seem to like throwing things, / You seem to like throwing
things;
"It seems that you can do no better, Hibi-urk!"
Hibi-urk --> Hibiki
...Psych! Just kidding. ;P
The blind martial artist was cut off mid taunt by his own knife
mid taunt --> mid-taunt (hyphenated word)
Ryoga grunted. "Asshole. I should have made the other end hit him.
Oh, well. Let's get you home, Mousse."
Forget cursed martial artists; we now have cursing ones!
(rim clash)
Ryoga turned to see the purple tressed amazon standing at the
Revise: amazon --> Amazon (Grammar Rule #56)
Suggest: purple tressed --> purple-tressed (Grammar Rule #73)
Also: purple tressed --> purple-haired (more common that 'tressed', which isn't
really a word)
edge of the park he and Mousse had fought in. She walked up to
Ryoga and kissed him softly on the cheek, then took his hand and
led him back to the restaurant she called home.
She sure kisses a lot for a girl that takes her kisses very, _very_ seriously.
Shampoo: Shampoo doing Thousand Kisses to Marital Hell! After the thousandth
kiss, Shampoo marry pig-boy and make him her servant for life whether he likes
to or not.
Mousse: (cries) But that would have been the perfect way for us to get married!
I wish I got the Thousand Kisses to Marital Hell!
All the way back, Ryoga's mind was in a whirl. He couldn't stop
thinking of Akane, he loved her, and loved being P-chan for her.
Revise: Akane; he loved her / Akane - He loved (since 'he loved her' is the
start of a separate and independent clause)
He did? That sure wasn't what he was thinking when Shampoo was giving all those
wet ones.
But at the same time, he couldn't forget how it felt when Shampoo
kissed him, and what her hand, still holding his, felt like.
Shampoo: Aiyah! Thousand Kisses to Marital Hell working! Soon, pig-boy will do
all of Shampoo's whim! ^_^
Akane loved Ranma, Ryoga grudgingly admitted, but she loved Ryoga
as long as he was P-chan. But it seemed that Shampoo was at least
interested in loving Ryoga as a man. Or was it just the way the
pressure point made him act that interested her? He resolved to
find out.
Ah, there we go. At least _part_ of my suggestion for a plot point is being
utilized here in a much less heavy-handed way.
____________________________________
Ranma sat in his room, reading the latest Dragonball manga and
eating some 'Hello Panda' cookies.
Goku was getting thrashed by some silly looking, but apparently
looking, but --> looking but (comma muyo)
Also: some silly looking --> some silly-looking villain/some silly-looking
thing/something silly looking (dangling sentence)
Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it's important to remember that dangling
sentences.
powerful opponent. Ranma grabbed a cookie and bit the head of
the cartoon panda off, pretending in his mind's eye that it was
his father.
(shock) This from the guy who presented us with 'Pops'? ?_?
A few pages and minutes later, his hand reached out for another
cookie, only to find the box empty.
"Crap, I want some more pandas." Ranma said.
pandas," Ranma said.
Wow. This is exciting. Ranma snacking, and his biggest dilemma is running out
of pandas to munch on.
WWF (World Wildlife Fund): (leg drops Ranma)
He got up and checked his stash in the closet, empty. 'Damn
Suggest: closet, finding it empty. (Make coherent and understandable sentences
and sentence clauses, please)
old man.'
Genma: I love eating myself.
Ranma: Ew.
Genma: Let me rephrase that! I love eating myself in panda form!
Ranma: EWWW!
Genma: No, no; what I meant to say is that I love eating pandas dipped in
chocolate!
Ranma: Jeez, just stop! Enough!
His spirits dropped when she answered her door with a brown
smudge of chocolate in the corner of her mouth. Glancing behind
Suggest: she answered --> Nabiki
her, he saw two of the familiar red boxes on her bed, clearly
empty.
"Aww, Nabiki. My pandas."
Hmmm. This is getting inane _and_ insane.
"Look, Saotome, I'm sorry, but I got an incredibly strong
chocolate craving, and your pandas were the closest source. You
know I need chocolate like a vampire needs blood. Now here, take
this 1000 yen and go get yourself 2 more boxes."
1000 yen; 2 more boxes--> thousand yen; two more boxes
She handed him a wadded up bill, though he had to tug a bit to get
her to actually let go.
"But Nabiki, each box is only 250 yen."
250 yen." --> two hundred fifty yen."
"Of course Saotome. The extra is for my two boxes."
Of course, Saotome.
"Look, Ranma-baby, you came here cause you wanted Pandas, right?
Pandas --> pandas
Since there aren't any here, you'll obviously go get more, and a
big strong guy like you can easily bring back an extra two boxes
for little old me, right?"
This is surprisingly generous of Nabiki to do.
Antvasima: I'd say.
Not that _I'm_ saying it's OOC or totally unbelievable for Nabiki to do--
Antvasima: Speak for yourself.
...(ahem) It's just rather rare for her to do this. I wonder why she's acting
so nice.
Ranma sighed in frustration, then said, "Fine, whatever. I'll be
back in a bit."
"I'll be waiting Saotome. Don't make me wait too long, Ranma-baby,"
waiting Saotome --> waiting, Saotome
Nabiki purred as she closed her door.
Ranma looked up from the money in his hand to see Kasumi standing
in the hall.
"What was that all about, Ranma? Cheating on me so soon? And with
my own sister? Oh, to be tossed aside at such a young age, used and
abandoned by Ranma Saotome, enemy of women." She sighed dramatically
and leaned against the wall in faux despair.
OOC.
Ranma panicked. "No Kasumi!! It wasn't anything like that at all!
Though Ranma is sometimes very dense, this scene reads a bit too... belabored
and unfunny to me, IMO. It's quite obvious what the prose is trying to setup,
and seeing in action is akin to watching paint dry, only the paint is swearing
romantic fidelity in a panicked manner.
Nabiki ate my chocolates and gave me money to go get more and then
told me to get more for her, too! That's all I promise I wouldn't do
that to you, Kasumi!!" Ranma blurted and was about to employ the
Crouch of The Wild Tiger when he heard Kasumi giggle.
9_9
"Nabiki is right, it is a lot of fun to tease you, Ranma. I'm sorry,
Nabiki is right, --> Nabiki is right;
Antvasima: Nabiki isn't right. Nabiki is wrong, because evil is wrong and
Nabiki is evil.
Ah sou.
"Sure, Kasumi, what do you want?"
She sidled up to Ranma and daintily slapped 250 yen into his hand.
250 --> two hundred fifty
He tossed one in his mouth and crunched happily on it as he walked
past a fountain.
These parts are kind of slow-going and dragging for me, fic. As in
pointless-Dragonball-Z-filler-episode-with-the-talking-turtle-and-Kame-Sennin
type of drag.
He sat down on the fountain's edge and relaxed for a minute. It was
a really nice day out. It had been a cold night last night, but the
late morning sun and a warm breeze off the ocean had dispelled the
off the ocean --> from the ocean
'When the Doc hit me with those bones the other day, I didn't feel
any emotional charge to them, so he must be past that stage of
development.
And... let me get this straight... Ranma _still_ ~^&%$&@#*&!? won? This is a
Ranma that hasn't learned the Mouko Takabisha yet, and has not improvised the
many revisions of the Hiryu Shoten Ha, and he has won against a guy who knows
advanced Ki techniques? I admit, your fanon inventions were eye-roll inducing,
but, c'mon! You were god-moding Ranma during that time!
But that means I'm way behind. Even if I learn to use an
emotion based Ki attack, I'll be at a disadvantage. I need to jump
emotion-based
"Ice! That's it! I can use that Soul of Ice thing the old ghoul
taught me to bypass the emotional Ki attacks. It's like a shortcut!"
Hmmm. On the other hand, that little stroke of genius is typical IC Ranma.
Suddenly, he stopped, grabbed the bag full of cookies and put it on a
bench 30 feet away, then came back and started over.
30 feet --> thirty feet
Something akin to a snowball smushed into the tree at slightly over
Suggest: smused --> splattered
the speed of a badly throw baseball.
throw --> thrown
Ranma sagged to his knees in mental exhaustion. This was going to take
a lot of work.
(nods) You wouldn't what to destroy all suspension of disbelief just yet and do
a fanfic remake of "Just Won't Die".
To be continued...
(checks my watch) Yup. It's _that_ time once again. It's time for our MAAAAIIIN
EVE--Erhm, it's Broken Grammar Rule Time!
MC Hammer: ~Doorooroo--Stop. GRAMMAR TIME!~
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive
Grammar Rule #17: Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat repeat any
words.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional authors opt
for spelling numbers out instead of writing their numerical forms. The obvious
exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact
numbers which are large in amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year
instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen
eighty-three... though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule
of thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with its
numerical form.
Grammar Rule #72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer.
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
...And that's about it on grammar rule breakage. (calculates) Hmmm. Seven
Grammar Rules Broken. That's one less Grammar Rule Broken from last time, but
still a Broken Grammar Rule short of the batting average of the first three
chapters (though the frequency by which the first three chapters broke those
six grammar rules still make them the worst chapters of PoH by far despite
their low batting average). Not bad.
But aside from all these grammar quibbles... Wow. In comparison to the way
chapters 1-4 were written (which, 'cept for Chapter 4, all screamed 'NOOB!',
IMO), it's like a different person wrote this fic altogether. Cohesive
sentences, spellchecked words, less use of cliche and stock descriptions, less
syntax errors, lack of fandom conventions, abstaining from lame jokes, a
wittier narrative, better writing style, impressively descriptive prose,
interesting subplot... Very, very good, Mr. Exar. ^_^ Save for carried-over
plot holes of the earlier chapters, unrealistic dialogue, avoidable punctuation
errors, the sheer number of broken grammar rules, and the slow, dragging scenes
at the near end, this latest offering of yours is not half-bad. I know it's an
understatement, but let me say it anyway: You have improved your writing skills
quite a lot in the span of two years. :P
In regards to name substitutes: Use pronouns (and actual character names) more
and balance them out with the 'bandanna boy/Anything-Goes Martial Art
Master/redheaded girl/chef/Amazon' name substitutes. As is, the name
substitutes are very distracting. _But_ there are words that are even better
than pronouns...
In regards to name use: It helps get rid most of the name substitutes that
litter your fic unnecessarily. As a general rule, actual name use (Ranma, Ukyo,
Genma, Shampoo, Cologne, Konatsu...) can be repeated after every other or even
after every paragraph. Then comes the pronouns. The use of name substitutes
should be limited to situations where you want to avoid pronoun confusion and
it should be used _after_ pronouns, not before. It makes for simple and
readable prose, after all.
As for the content itself: Er, my take on this part is, well, same as always.
^^; The technical presentation of your story is one thing, the themes and plot
points of the fic itself is a whole other thing. I just can't help but feel
that the central concept behind this whole fic (Ranma maturing care of
Kasumi-love) is weak, paper thin, lacks points of interest, and is virtually
conflict-free. And let's face it, without conflict, you don't have a story...
which is sad and ironic, because now that you are slowly mastering the art of
storytelling, you still have no story to tell.
In regards to conflict: Since I've been busting your balls about the lack of
conflict in this fic, I believe it's about time that I actually explained what
I mean by 'conflict'.
According to Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, it is:
1.) To come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory; at variance or in
opposition; clash
2.) Discord of action, feeling or effect; antagonism or opposition as of
interests or principles
3.) A mental struggle arising from opposing demands or impulses
In many cases, the conflict within the story is the driving force towards the
story goal. The need to overcome the conflict is often the central focus of the
hero. The means to overcome that same conflict can then become a path to
victory for the protagonist.
Certain literary stories revolve around the internal conflict and how the
character deals with it. The external circumstances and the character's actions
are the setting for delving into the character's internal thoughts and the
journey they take to decide upon their action or inaction.
Now, I see that PoH has some subplots that adheres to my definition of conflict
(the wonderful, if contrived and somewhat mishandled, subplot of the
Mousse-Shampoo-Ryoga love triangle comes to mind), but its your main conflict
of having Ranma (suddenly) mature and having that manifest with his dating of
the eldest Tendo daughter that IMO goes against the very nature of conflict
and, consequently, storytelling.
Ranma has fixed all his flaws miraculously, gets it on with Kasumi and now he's
behaving like a perfect, decisive gentleman instead of behaving like, well,
Ranma. Conflict isn't unmotivated behavior. This 'more mature' Ranma of yours
comes off as a flat, Tuxedo Kamen-like persona that's very dull and far-fetched
to read because his motivations behind his actions (knowing him and his psyche
'in canon') are suspect. If only you can apply my No. 3 definition and have
Ranma tackle a 'mental struggle arising from opposing demands or impulses'
(i.e., his impulse to keep the status quo vs. his desire for change and
maturity)...
Thing is, Kasumi and Ranma are hitting it off too well, too easily, like she's
some sort of Ukyo proxy/Miracle Fiancee that solves each and every last problem
that Ranma has. Most of the legion of fiancees practically disappeared out of
the face of the earth, and the ones who are still there are currently
preoccupied for some reason or the other. Ranma's love for Akane and his hurt
for her supposed 'rejection' is barely touched upon by the fic save the first
chapter. It's as if the story is actually avoiding as much conflict as possible
in a contrived sort of way to make Ranma and Kasumi's relationship work. That's
unbelievable. That's about as unnatural and aberrant as a Mary Sue's existence.
As for Kasumi, she doesn't even have much motivation behind settling for Ranma
except, well, because he said so. That's... not kosher. If they're going to
have a relationship, then it shouldn't just be all about Ranma. Kasumi too
should have proper motivations and goals behind accepting Ranma as a future
husband other than the oh-so-trite 'It's my duty as a Tendo daughter, and he's
not such a bad choice of a fiance either.'
Their relationship does not inspire sympathy and has more of a 'what could be'
(fantasy) feel to it rather than a 'what really is' (reality) feel. They have
their heads up in their... erhm, up in the clouds, too blinded by infatuation
to see the truth properly. It's like you as an author simply decided that,
'Ranma becomes mature, dates Kasumi, and the chaos that is his life will come
to order, and he'll improve his martial arts prowess to boot, all because I
wrote it so'.
The road to effective, interesting storytelling comes in threes: goal,
motivation, and conflict. Make Ranma and Kasumi have proper motivations and
goals, then orchestrate believable conflict to hamper their motivation and to
keep them from achieving their goals. It's not too late to do just that in the
later chapters either; after all, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop
in regards to the R&K Connection (Ron and Kim?).
In regards to canonicity of characterization and avoiding OOC portrayals: I
feel that characterizing characters is like writing a program, with the
characterization being the program and the reader being the compiler.
That is, to the compiler, what you meant counts for absolutely nothing. What
you meant is worth diddly squat. What you meant is about as important as what
you ate for breakfast. What matters is what you wrote. The compiler will
interpret what you wrote in the way that it was designed to, and what you wrote
is all that influences it. Even if you didn't mean for your code to result in
an infinite loop, the compiler doesn't care. The compiler interprets programs,
not the intent of the programmer.
The criterion for characterization is simple for me. As long as a character
could conceivably act in a certain way given the evidence in canon, it's fine.
The only way a characterization would be inappropriate is if, given the canon,
that characterization would be impossible.
Example:
* Ryoga was in love with Ranma-chan all along - this wouldn't work because
Ryoga has had chances to get with Ranma's female half in canon and he has made
it abundantly clear that he doesn't like her. Any interpretation along those
lines would have to take this fact into account to be IC, and I don't see a
logical way to explain it all away. This doesn't mean Ryoga can't fall in love
with Ranma in the future. It simply means that he wasn't in love with Ranma all
along.
* Daisuke was in love with Ranma-chan all along - this would work because AFAIK
Daisuke has never made any opinion on Ranma-chan one way or the other, so any
interpretation along those lines would be IC. There is no precedent. It's a
blank slate and so just about anything you put in it would fall into the
"conceivable" category. You could have him secretly going to fetish clubs with
Hiroshi watching schoolgirls get it on with tentacle monsters and it would
still be IC."
If you feel that your interpretation is that of the latter instance...
Takahashi has never written anything that would, in any way, indicate that your
characterization as false... then I must disagree. Takahashi has made it
abundantly clear how indecisive Ranma can be, and how circumstances must always
push him in a certain direction before he'd act any differently, and his status
quo of arguing with Akane is not one of those circumstances.
I'll concede that though Kasumi has hinted about not liking younger men because
of their supposed lack of maturity, she can still conceivably fall for Ranma
once he does become a mature (Tofu-like?) man's man. But still, the way the
Ranma-Kasumi love-fest came about in this fic still reads very iffy to me. I
would probably tolerate the end result of your CORK propaganda more if only you
handled the development of their relationship properly.
It's your story of course, and you can certainly change things around if you
really want to. Just be aware that doing so may set off the "author hasn't read
the series on which the fic is supposed to be based" alarm in the readers'
minds. Make changes knowingly rather than out of ignorance, and only when they
really serve your story.
The Bottom Line: Your prose has improved even further, and your writing skills
in this chapter are in a whole new level compared to your writing skills in the
previous four chapters. Nonetheless, your plot still needs 'logical disclosure'
(i.e., _reasons_) behind your fic's numerous plot holes (i.e., why your
characters are behaving the way that they are behaving without any preceding
and believable circumstance to cause it). All your goals in 'fixing' the
characters are achievable, but you're going about the wrong way in getting to
those goals, IMO.
A major rule of thumb for characterization (in my mind, anyway) is that as long
as the characters keep encountering the same situations, they'll keep reacting
in the same ways. Not that I don't think Ranma can change the way he acts--but
IMO there has to be some reason _why_ he decided to do so at this point when he
never had during thirty-eight volumes of the series. We don't need a major
exposition on this, but I do think we need some idea of what made him change.
If you can find a way to fix your fic's lack of believability in concerns to
Ranma's behavior, then you're good to go with your CORK propaganda piece.
Keep in mind that the whole C&C is composed only of my opinions and shouldn't
be taken in at face value. Then again, I feel that I've made many valid points
and unless you can contend them logically and irrefutably, then I simply must
insist on you revising in accordance to my criticisms. On the other hand, this
is your fic, so do whatever you like.
My 'other' standard disclaimer is: I'd like to clarify that this isn't a simple
"bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please don't go
mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like my fic
so anything he says can't be taken seriously." It's your jurisdiction to ignore
the comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at
least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "It's a good yet
overdone fanfic idea, and the execution of the idea still needs a bit of spit
and polish to work. Otherwise, you're getting better. Keep on writing."
Continuing my quest to get people to spell 'midair' sans hyphen,
Abdiel
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"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."
"Engrish: A language that hide in black place, fight up other speaking, and for
extra word inside the pockets he look."
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