Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fic][YST/SM]Ronin Summer 8!
From: Abdiel
Date: 2/7/2007, 11:07 AM
To: Morgan Hudson
CC: FFML <ffml@anifics.com>

...Hem, hem. Wow. Lots of pages for this chapter this time around. @_@ Indeed,
the exclamation mark on the subject gives the fic more page power! No, I don't
know what the hell I'm talking about either. ^_^;

Standard Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am not
God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

It also occurs to me that my non-godly lexicon may not be at par with yours, so
any unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

And my next victim is... ^_^

On 9/27/06, Morgan Hudson <dataraven_659@hotmail.com> wrote:
Hello, all! ^_^

Kamusta! Sorry for the lateness, but backlogged C&C should be the ones sent
first, I reckon; first done, first served and all that. ^_^;

Sorry for the long delay on this chapter - hopefully it was worth the wait.
Unfortunately, I was delayed by a number of RL events that should hopefully
not be recurring, so the next one should be out much sooner. Do me a favour,
and let me know what you think, okay? I always love some good C&C.

And... here it is, strangely enough. Whether this C&C is good or bad, I guess
it's up to you to decide. 

Anyway, on with the fic!

**********

REVAMPED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: the Sailor Senshi belong to Kodansha and
Cloverway, and the Samurai Troopers are the legal property of Sunrise and
Bandai Entertainment. I am only borrowing them for a few chapters, and I
intend no harm.

Yoshihiro Togashi: (demands that his wife, Naoko Takeuchi, be included in the
disclaimer and in anger, develops musculature similar to the hundred-percent
Younger Toguro)

Hajime Yatate: (feels doubly left out, seeing that nobody's sticking up for
him)

...Yeah, I know you've already revamped your revamped legal disclaimer further
in the next chapter, but you didn't do so in this chapter when I got it, so
nyaaa! ^_^

down her gullet by now. He just could not understand why so many of his
troops were having trouble beating those girls. There were only five of
them, after all, unless one counted Tuxedo Kamen.

...And usually, one would not.

       He knew that Xiang Yao had not killed Tuxedo Kamen, despite her
own insistence to the contrary. If something were to happen to that man,
Radanthus would have felt it reverberating through his bones. As it was,
he knew that Tuxedo Kamen lived in the same way that he knew his arms
were both attached. Even now, he was sure that the young prince was
hurrying to his princess' side, to defend her from whatever evil might be
trying to cause her harm. It was the same thing that Tuxedo Kamen -that
Prince Endymion- had always done, even back when Radanthus had known him.
That meant Radanthus would need to work quickly, if he wanted to strike at
the Senshi before their protector could reach them.

Even after reading through the whole paragraph, I still have no idea how
Radanthus knows Tuxedo Kamen is still alive. It's so vague and indistinct on
that particular subject that Radanthus might as well have been doing charades,
IMO. Just noting.

this ancient castle, but Radanthus had been particularly inspired. With a
slight twist of his clawed fingers, he began the task of keying the portal
to the appropriate realm. Once, Radnathus' 

Radnathus' --> Radanthus'

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Um... yeah. Please proofread, you're even misspelling the names of your own
characters.

       The twisting and pulsing threads of blue parted, and slowly
the face of Xiang Yao came into focus. The purple-haired woman was
kneeling over Fei Lian, with a look of bordeom reflected in her crimson

bordeom --> boredom

eyes as she idly raised a wicked-looking dagger over her head and prepared
to slip it into the youma exposed throat. Radanthus gestured, and Fei

Revise: the youma exposed throat --> the youma's exposed throat (because
'youma' isn't a descriptor or modifier of 'throat', it is the owner of said
throat)

       "Yes, of course," Xiang Yao sighed, walking over to the table and
fitting a cigarette into her ebony holder. Picking up one of the nearby
candles, she held the flamt to it until it lit. The serpentine tattoo

flamt --> flame

       "Keep talking," she said, taking another pull from her cigarette
and trying to look uninterested, but Radanthus could tell from the way her
eyes had gleamed at the word 'alone' that he had her where he wanted her.
Xiang Yao was the sort who would chafe under any kind of supervision, no
matter how inobtrusive. Handled properly, her own desire to be unfettered

inobtrusive --> unobtrusive

Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

       "Okay," Xiang Yao said, after a moment's silence. Leaning back in
the window frame, she contemplated the curlicules of smoke rising from her

curlicules --> curlicues

       "If you insist," Xiang Yao sighed, carefully examining her nails.
The ones on the left hand were laquered a bilous green colour, and seemed

laquered a bilous --> lacquered a bilious 
 
       "I tremble with anticipation," Xiang Yao sighed, as she began to

sighed, as --> sighed as (comma muyo)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas. 

       "I'm going to have some fun," Xiang Yao replied, as she gently

replied, as --> replied as (comma muyo)

flicked her thumb against the tip of her right index finger. With a
metallic noise, the purple fingernail on that finger suddenly lengthened
into a six-inch long spike of gleaming violet crystal. 

Ooooh. Cool. I like Xiang Yao's style and sense of flair. ^_^
 
       Deep within the bowels of the Crimson Nadir, Badamon smiled to
himself. It was a mirthless smile, the kind of grimace that was usually

Suggest: grimace --> expression

       "So," he said to himself, his fingers twisting and forming
themselves into the proper sigils to end his scying spells, "our master

Even though it's a word mostly listed in D&D Appendices and Fortune Telling
Books... scying spells --> scrying spells
 
       The shadows behind him shifted slightly, and the tattered old
wizard gave a dry chuckle. Nise Suiko could be surprisingly stealthy, for
one so lacking in subtlety, but Badamon could always tell when the youma

Suggest: stealthy, for --> stealthy for (no need for the comma, and 'Nise Suiko
could be stealthy for one so lacking in subtlety' is better as a cohesive
clause than as a disjointed aside)

was near. If nothing else, he could rely on the faint musty aroma of
stagnant water, rotting fish, and algae that seemed to follow his servant
around as a sure sign of his presence. Nise Suiko carried the scent of
death on him: Badamon liked that in a subordinate.

Ew. For somebody so badass, he sure, um, stinks. Then again, I don't suppose
'bathes regularly' is relevant to most badasses (...and nerds, come to think of
it).

getting anything through. Nearly the entire Minato ward was caught in a
vicious snarl; some trains were being re-routed to new tracks, others

re-routed --> rerouted (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!). 

schedule, it was proving to be a massive problem for Japan Railways. Seiji
made a mental note to contact the family accontant and have him start

accontant --> accountant

Touma had been on that train. There was no way that a train with more
than eleven cars would just hop off its tracks and do a backflip for no

Suggest: backflip --> back-flip

armies of the Evil Dynasty- and a few vague reports about a blue streak
that had zipped through the train and carted everybody off to safety while
it was in mid-air. 

mid-air --> midair (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)

It wasn't making him any more happy that he had managed

more happy --> happier

...There's no particular grammar rule broken, but still... 'happier' > 'more
happy' according to Standard English rules.

to blunder into a battlefield within twenty minutes of coming to Jubaan,

Jubaan --> Juuban

It wasn't like he was going to proposition her, or anything. He was just

(shrugs) proposition her, or anything. --> proposition her or anything.

all times, so that they knew he wouldn't be doing anything untowards.

Suggest: untowards --> untoward

       "Well," the girl mused, tapping her finger against her lips in a
thoughtful manner, "I don't *usually* go out on dates with random boys
when the world is in danger. 

Oh, don't be so modest, Minako! I wouldn't put that past you! ^_^

       "What? NO!" Seiji shook his head frantically, as a chill ran down

frantically, as --> frantically as

getting tackled. Panicking, he took a hasty step backwards and bumped into
the office lady standing behind him. He was completely surrounded by
women! Oh, God, there was nowhere to *run*!

9_9 Again, he damns his logic to oblivion.

       "Are you sure?" the girl asked, raising one eyebrow. "I mean, I am
willing to make an exception, here. It seems kind of rude to not ask a

Suggest: exception, here. --> exception here. (comma muyo)

       "I just thought we could, you know, discuss strategy, and such,"

Suggest: strategy, and such --> strategy and such (comma muyo)

       "Of course not," Minako admitted. "I'd just wear Artemis around my
neck and claim he was a scarf. You clashed with my blouse and wouldn't
stay still."

Heh.
 
turned and gave her a curious look. Smiling innocently, the blonde girl
clutched her large red bag to her chest and batted her eyelashes at them

Suggest: large, red bag

       "Not if it knows what's good for it," she answered, shifting over
slightly and patting the cushion next to her. "Besides, it's not really
a talking purse: that would be crazy. It's actually a talking cat that's
hiding INSIDE my purse."

Hehehe. I've said at one time that Minako is Usagi-lite, but as Minako would
probably say...

Minako: Humph. I was already here before there ever was a Sailor Moon. It's
Usagi that's Minako-lite. 
 
       "Oh," Seiji said, nodding wisely. "Well, that makes a lot more
sense." The disturbing thing was that it kind of did, to him. After all,
everybody who was anybody in the Sailor V fan club knew that she had a
talking cat who helped her solve all of her crimes. It wasn't too hard to
imagine that the other Sailor Senshi like Minako might have talking pets,
too....

Ooooh yeeeeaahh... Seiji, in your fic canon, is in the Sailor V fan club, and
you've been setting this plot point up since... a long time. Damn, that Seiji
sure is dense to have not figured things out by now. 'Sailor Venus and Sailor V
are different people'... Puh. Honestly. Then again, any self-respecting author
would rather milk the moment before jumping into any hasty plot resolutions.
After all, setting up a plot point is comparable to that of a stripper's whole
act... though the bottom line is the naked chick, most of the fun still comes
from the striptease.

Minako: (eyebrow raised) U-huh. That's one way of putting it, mister
degenerate.

       "Yeah," Seiji said cautiously, as he shook his head and tried to

Suggest: cautiously, as --> cautiously as (comma muyo)

       "That's not the question you ought to be asking," Xiang Yao
replied, as the nails on her right hand flashed purple and extended into

Suggest: replied, as --> replied as (comma muyo)

Ducking under its extended arm, Seiji darted forward and drove his knee
into the monster's stomach. Before it could react, he had already punched
it twice in the ribs, circling around it and giving it a parting kick to
the spine as he leapt clear and landed in a crouch several feet away.

You have a great gift for straightforward and clear-cut descriptive prose. The
blow-by-blow account of what's happening is easily visualized by the reader,
which is a good indication that it's effective in conveying its purpose. Keep
up the good work in that regard, and avoid the Radanthus car-wreck narrative in
the future. More of the former and less of latter is my suggestion to you.

       The lights in the ceiling burst with a stacatto of loud pops,

stacatto -- staccato 

The air sizzled, and there was a sudden flash of light like burning
magnesium, casting the entire tunnel into sharp relief as Seiji Date's
body absorbed the surging current. There was a rush of wind as the
crackling ball of energy surrounding the boy imploded and left him clad
in his full armour.

Seiji: KAIO-KEN!

       It stood nearly half a foot taller than Seiji had alone, sheated

sheated --> sheathed

...Because 'sheated', when pronounced loudly, sounds like the past tense of a
cuss word.

       "Now, let's try that again," Korin no Seiji said quietly, his
voice echoing slightly from behind the scuplted silver mask that covered

scuplted --> sculpted
 
       "Don't let it go to your head, fuzzy," Seiji said with a grim
smile. "You may be strong, but smell isn't everything!" Racing up the

^^; I'm guessing he's referring to fuzzy's strength of smell, eh?
 
       A loop of glittering hearts fluttered around the armoured boy,
gleaming and tightening around his torso even as they changed into links
of golden chain. There was a sudden tug, and Seiji found himself flying
through the air as the train thundered past beaneath him in a blur of

beaneath -- beneath

It's also of note that the fights are well-balanced, and even the minions are a
tough bunch to crack. Conflict is a vital ingredient into making Ronin Summer
such a well-written piece of literature, methinks.

       "Venus, check on Seiji and make sure he's alright," the masked

Suggest: alright --> all right

man said, striding forwards and drawing his cane like a sword. 

forwards --> forward

       "Sorry it took us so long to get here," Venus said apologetically,
as she quickly knelt beside Seiji and began to examine him, "but Xiang Yao

apologetically, as --> apologetically as (comma muyo)

       "Very good," Seiji agreed, struggling slightly. "Would you mind
untying me?"

       "A little," Minako admitted with a smile, as she began to loosen
the chain wrapped around him. In the distance, Tuxedo Kamen parried the

Heh. Cute scene. Oh, and...

smile, as --> smile as (comma muyo)

the smoke cleared the beast was completely unharmed. Roaring, it swiped
at the masked man, who backpeddaled frantically to avoid its razor-sharp

backpeddaled --> backpedalled

Commonwealth rules dictate a double-l, not a double-d.

       "I think it's obvious," Seiji groaned, as he clambered back to

groaned, as --> groaned as (comma muyo)

his feet. "Thanks to her, we just missed our train. She must be up to
something in Yokohama, and she didn't want us wrecking her fun. Wherever
our friends are right now, they're probably in a lot of trouble."

Suggest: in a lot of trouble." --> in for a lot of trouble." (just because
Seiji's statement sounds rather presumptuous)

pants and a short-sleeved silk shirt with swirling patterns of blue and
white covering it. 

The detailed descriptions of what the characters are wearing kind of makes me
feel that I'm reading a 'Paradise Kiss' fic more than anything else. ^_^;
What... fashionistas the Samurai Troopers are!

       "Hey, that was a total fluke," Shuu argued, waving his hand as if
to brush away the other boy's concerns with it. "Touma spent all day
trying to overclock 

Suggest: over-clock

blackguard until it was too late. He was hunting for a monster that wanted
him dead, and for all the luck he was having, he might as well be trapped
in an alien dimension.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Master of the Segue, Mr. Morgan Hudson! :)
 
       "This sucks," Ann groused, as she clambered down a jagged pile

Suggest: groused, as --> groused as (comma muyo)

       "If you're not careful, it's going to be the *shortest* secret
mission ever," her partner admonished her, as he nimbly dropped to the

Suggest: her, as --> her as (comma muyo)
 
       Ann snorted and made a face. "Ooh, listen to the big, fancy,
secret... mission-taking... guy."

Heh. She sure is good with the comebacks, she is.

       "Whatever," she said, with a dismissive gesture. "The point is,

Suggest: said, with --> said with (comma muyo)

       "Because you're completely hopeless without me, and you know it,"
Ann explained, as she began to rub her other foot. "You couldn't pick a

Suggest: explained, as --> explained as (comma muyo)

       "That's easy," Ail scoffed, reaching into his vest and drawing a
large white card. "I'd go with Nixeen."

If this girl really is an original creation of yours, then you sure have a way
with youma/cardian names. ^_^;

Me: (singies) ~She is Nixeen, going on Neventeen...~

       "Nixeen?" Ann laughed. "Nixeen can't fight at all! She's a healing
cardian! 

White Mage (8-bit theater): (pouts, then summons 'Holy' to prove that healing
types can actually fight)

       "That's barely even halfway true!" Ail argued. 

Hmmm. That's doublespeak if I ever saw one. So he actually admits that there's
some truth in what she says while looking like he's denying it altogether,
hmmm?

Cautiously she let her hand drape over her partner's, giving his fingers

Suggest: Cautiously she --> Cautiously, she (comma needed)

       "He'll be fine," Ail assured her, patting her hand reassuringly.
"I keep telling you, Ann, you're too protective of him. Fiore is a lot
tougher -and more powerful- than he looks. If anybody tries to hurt the
Makaiju, he'll be able to handle them."

Kurama: (fiddles with his reserve Janen Ju seeds) Then again, it could be the
other way around and the tree will be the one who protects its bearer.

       "He's just a child, Ail! What do you expect him to do, *garden*
people to death?"

Kurama: Speaking from experience, it's very much possible.

       "Something like that, yes," Ail said, looking a bit uncomfortable
as he adjusted the embroided gold collar 

embroided --> embroidered 

       A rock clacked loudly, clattering off of its felows as it bounced

Hem, hem... Pardon my ignorance, but what're 'felows'?

their shoulders like epaulets of jagged steel. The only way to tell that
they were not clones was that one had her rust-coloured hair hanging over
her left eye, and the other preferred to cover her right.

Flipped Sprites: The New Palette Swap. 

       "As if you look any better," one of the twins growled angrily.
"Who wears a leotard with a vest, anyway? 

Vegeta: (raises an eyebrow) 'Who' indeed.

       "Like you're one to talk," Ann snapped back. "Seriously, look at
the two of you! At least cape boy over here bothered to come up with his
own outfit. What, did you two lose a bet?"

       "I told you these costumes made us look stupid," the shorter of
the two twins muttered under her breath, then flinched back slightly as
her sister cast her an evil glare.

(sweatdrop) I'm pegging this catty fashion discussion as one of the
distinguishing factors between a (ahem) cat fight and a real fight.

Woman's Lib: (stares down at me with blistering rage as I, erhm, hear their
'roar')
 
       "Ann," Ail said cautiously, as he stepped behind his partner and

Suggest: cautiously, as --> cautiously as (comma muyo)

held her in front of him protectively, "I think this nice youma wants to
have a few words with you."

Chivalry never existed in their planet, apparently.

       "Oh, he does this all the time," Ann assured her opponent, as she

Suggest: opponent, as --> opponent as

crouched low to the ground and let the eldritch energy of her power start

Like ki is to Dragonball, 'eldritch energy' is rampant among all those warriors
within the Ronin Summer universe.

       Kamisori lurched into motion, leaning impossibly far forward and
twisting his entire body like a serpent to evade the crakling and popping

crakling --> crackling

       Rising to his full height, Kamisori let his cloak fall open
slightly as a four-foot long blade as thin as a scapel swung easily into

scapel --> scalpel

view. With a disdainful flick, he cast her blood off of the slickly
glimmering razor. Ann bit her lip and dug her fingers into the ground.
The bastard was using his cloak to conceal all of his movements - she had
no way of knowing where that cursed blade was going to come from next. She
couldn't even tell how many of them he had.

Dr. Jackal (Getbackers): (snorts derisively) No originality whatsoever... Ne,
Kamisori-san?

time yet. Besides, if this youma thought that he was going to slow her
down with wounds that didn't even hurt he clearly had no idea who he was
dealing with.

Suggest: hurt, he clearly (comma needed)
 
Ann realised that it was attached to one of his toes. There was a soft
racheting sound, and another of the blades swung into position on his

racheting --> ratcheting

       "You... sliced my ear," she said numbly, as blood began to pour

Suggest: numbly, as --> numbly as (comma muyo)

       "YOU CUT MY FACE!" Scourges of dark energy flew from Ann's hands,
unfurling in mid-air and splitting into nine-tailed horrors of searing

mid-air --> midair

       Unnoticed by any of the youma, Ail's carefully laid out cards
began to glow. As he played on, his haunting tune floating across the
canyon, each of the six cards lifting from its place and slowly began
to rotate, moving in time with his music. The glow stengthened, and each

stengthened --> strengthened

       Why did she even bother arguing with Usagi anymore? It seemed like
all it ever ended with these days was her sitting alone in a coffee shop
and feeling like an idiot. 

Nice use of 'show, not tell'.

barely remember it. Maybe Usagi was right; maybe she *was* in danger of
becoming a spinster. The boys weren't exactly lining up to spend time
with her.

That's your cue, boys. Go for it.

Boys: BANZAI!

       "Lord, that line was atrocious!" a boy commented, as he eased

Suggest: commented, as --> commented as (comma muyo)

through the door and held it open for his friend. "I'm almost glad that
we got kicked out, if there was much more of that to look forward to."

Suggest: kicked out, if --> kicked out; if (replace comma with semicolon to
separate the clauses better just short of making them into separate sentences)
 
       "I still say that it wasn't my fault!" the other boy replied
defensively. "If those players don't want people bugging them, then what
are they doing walking past us on their way to the stadium? The classy
thing to do would have been for them to sign my balls and get it over
with."

       "Perhaps if you hadn't put it in quite those terms, though...."

       "Ah, they knew what I meant! If they want to get all weird about

Heh. Eeeew...

it, that's none of my business. Hey, cool! They got those little moon
cakes here! I love those things. You want one, man?"

The cake with the nuts and a whole hardboiled egg in it? Uh, no thanks. I can
have the cake, but I certainly won't eat it.

Samurai Troopers, popping in to ruin her day. It was bad enough that one
of them had to be flagrantly dating Ami, now she had to put up with them
interrupting her angst.

9_9 It's like she's infatuated, but in angst form. That is, she likes the idea
of being 'in angst' but isn't really genuinely depressed, much like many of
those fourteen-year-old Goth kids and their constant bullshit whining.

Jeez, you're just fourteen years old; you have no right to whine about the
'cruelties' of life at that age. You don't even have a job yet! You can barely
even shave! (ahem) Moving on... Yeah. She's being childish, she is. 

       "Much obliged," Shin said thankfully, as he slipped into the seat

Suggest: thankfully, as --> thankfully as (comma muyo)

       "Tell me about it," Shin agreed with a chuckle. "I wouldn't worry
about it, if I were you, Rei. You should be happy for your friend, because

Suggest: it, if --> it if (comma muyo)

you'll feel like a proper twit afterwards if you weren't. Odds are this
whole thing will blow over in a few months, and everything will go back
to normal. And if it doesn't, then you'll probably have to get used to it
eventually. May as well start now, right?"

Suggest: May as well --> Might as well (just because I've heard it used that
way time and again)

       All she had to do was find a Sailor Senshi in a city that was
almost twice the size of anything that had existed during the Moon
Kingdom. 

W-ell, you can't really blame the Moon Kingdom, being based in the Moon and
all...

       'Soft' was not a word that anybody would apply to Xiang Yao, no
matter what century she was in. 

She has iron boobs and bum, she does. And they can kill people too, just like
her.


       "It's just so boring," she sighed, laying back on the bed. "I hate

laying back --> lying back

       "I don't think I can wear this," her friend's voice replied,
muffled slightly by the wooden door that seperated them. "It seems a bit

seperated --> separated

indecent."

       "Oh, come on! What's the big deal? So it shows off your shoulders
a little bit."

       "It's not my shoulders I'm worried about showing off," Ami
whispered back. "I'm scared to breathe in this thing, Usagi! And this
skirt is much too short for my liking. I've never worn something as short
as this before."

       "What are you talking about? You wear a skirt that short all the
time! Heck, you were wearing one when you met him, remember?"

       "That was different," Ami whimpered. "I was in uniform. That
skirt was official. This one's just.... short."

Hehehehe. Best skit ever.

       There was a long pause, as Usagi calmly slid her file back into

pause, as --> pause as (comma muyo)

That was the whole reason that they had both agreed to let Usagi pick out
all the clothing on this trip, so that Ami could have some outfits that

Suggest: trip, so --> trip; so/trip: so

       "Good, glad we agree! Don't think, just put it on. That's the way
to do this, Ami! Full speed ahead, and pay no attention to the people
screaming in the back!" Usagi grinned and pumped her fist emphatically.

Yukari-sensei (Azumanga Daio): (nods sagely)

       "Thanks, Usagi. I appreciate it." The door swung open, and Ami
stepped tentatively out into the store. With a nervous smile, the
girl smoothed out the short ice blue skirt 

short ice --> short, ice

and gave Usagi a worried look.
She had changed out of her usual sneakers in favour of a pair of high
heeled shoes 

high heeled --> high-heeled

blue sailor uniform as feathered pins appeared in her hair and a golden
tiara flashed across her forhead. Within seconds, the transformation was

forhead --> forehead

over and Super Sailor Moon stood in the centre of a charred circle on
the floor, smiling impishly at the startled youma.

I don't remember the transformation sequences burning charred circles on the
ground. I remember Super Saiyajins doing that, not Sailor Senshi.
 
       "What," she joked, "you were expecting Cutey Honey? 

Moon Honey Flash? (waxing nostalgic) For that little snarky line, you'll get a
Moment of Zen. 

Zen: (pouts) Zen doesn't have a moment. Leave Zen alone! (runs away, does a
Maehara Shinobu)

...But since Zen isn't cooperative, I hope a moment of Megane 6.7 MST will
suffice.

==================================================================================
 
Usagi turned around and began walking towards an alley, "The name is
Cutey Moon Honey......Usagi's new guardian....Till the next meeting....."
Usagi laughed and walked into the black abyss of the alley.

Tom: ...only to realize it had a dead end.  Undaunted, Usagi turned
around and walked back out of the alley and down a well-lit street while
Minako and Luna bigsweated.

==================================================================================

       "What do you mean 'finally'? I just got here!" Sailor Moon snapped
back, shaking her gloved fist at the creature. "Woah... wait a minute. Did

Suggest: Woah... wait --> Whoa... Wait

you just say something about a trap?"

       "Indeed," the dog-like monster said, with a dry chuckle. "Have you

said, with --> said with (comma muyo)

not heard of the great power of Orthrus? Your doom is even now sealed,
foolish Senshi! Our master has waited eons for the chance to destroy you
and your kind, and now that day has finally arrived!"

       "Could we get back to the part about the trap? That sounded kind
of important...."

Heh. Ah, Usagi. Or as Takeuchi would call her, Minako XP.

       "Ah," a second youma said, as it pressed its way past the first,

said, as --> said as (comma muyo)

       "Two against one is hardly fair," a voice called out, as the

out, as --> out as (comma muyo)

        "I trust nobody will mind if I even the odds a little?" she
asked, as the turquoise on her tiara flashed briefly and the visor

asked, as --> asked as

       "MOON TIARA ACTION!" she cried, and hurled the glowing headpiece
towards the advancing youma. Lunging out of the way, the creature threw
himself out of the way as the gleaming disc screeched past him and
slammed his shoulder into the blonde girl's stomach. 

Suggest: Lunging out of the way, the --> Lunging, the (get rid of 'out of the
way' so you don't have to repeat the phrase in the same sentence)

Also: get rid of 'gleaming disc screeched past him' so the sentence won't
confuse the disc to having 'slammed his (its) shoulder into the blonde girl's
stomach'. (awkward phrasing, suggest revision) 

       "That was very stupid of you, girl," he growled, as he gripped

growled, as --> growled as (comma muyo)

her face in one giant paw and began to press her head against the hard
concrete. "You just threw away your only useful weapon. What do you have
to say for yourself now?"

       "Moon," the girl said, her voice muffled by the hand crushing her
skull, "T-Tiara... BOOMERANG!" 

Orthrus: Damn you, MANGA!

Yoshihiro Togashi: Here you use a Manga-exclusive power, yet you _still_ can't
include my wife in the disclaimer! That's... unfair!

Tuxedo Kamen: Is that really a Manga-exclusive power? If it is, then hot damn,
gimme some of that Smoking Bomber Power!

Hajime Yatate: (crouched down in a distant corner while drawing circles on the
ground as an air of gloom surrounds him)

       "What?" The youma turned and looked behind him, just in time for
the rapidly returning tiara to hit him directly on the tip of his chin.
His head snapped back and his body went limp, spining head-over-tail in

spining --> spinning

mid-air as Sailor Moon slipped from his grasp and scrambled to freedom

mid-air --> midair

       "Well," the blue-haired Senshi said as she vaulted over a display
table moments before the other Orthrus smashed it in half with the
coatrack 

coatrack --> coat rack

to score a home run. Yelping, the girl ducked under the steel pole as it
whistled past and began running in a new direction.
 
Again, car-wreck sentence: with the way the sentence is structured, it could be
either the girl (Ami) or the steel pole that began running in a new direction.
Please revise accordingly.

       "Wait, please," the youma wheezed, rubbing his jaw gingerly. "I'll
answer your questons, swear! The person I'm working for is-" Opening

questons --> questions

Hmmm. Questons. Sounds... Sci-fi-ish.

Youma: Well, I for one welcome our new Queston overlords!

Also: questons, swear! --> questions, I swear!

       "SAILOR MOON KICK!" she cried out, falling backwards as he foot

he foot --> her foot

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

       "Hey, Sailor Mercury!" she yelled, as the youma regained its

yelled, as --> yelled as (comma muyo)

       Responding to her signal, Sailor Mercury reached out and grabbed
her leader by the wrist. With a twist of her hips, she pivoted in place
and hurled Sailor Moon into the muzzled youma's face as hard as she could.

Dancing with the Stars, Trans-dimensional Edition?

As the monster fell back, Sailor Moon landed beside it and tightened her
own grip on Mercury's arm, throwing her partner into the air and swinging
her out of the way of the stampeding Orthrus. Sailor Mercury twisted in
mid-air, kicking at the rising youma hard enough to shatter the ice

mid-air --> midair

       Twin jets of flame pierced through the fog, boiling away the
pearly clouds of mist to reveal a single youma, standing half again as
tall as either of the Senshi, and with two snarling heads atop his broad
shoulders. Fire dripping from his lips like saliva, Ortrus hunched forward

Ortrus --> Orthrus

Here we go again with the misspelled name thingies. Please be careful with
them, 'coz a spellchecker will mark them as wrong however you may spell them,
so just check and proofread the names manually, mmmkay?

...Or is this Orthrus's fusion name a la Gogeta or Vegetto?

and began to move towards them. The bent and twisted remains of a coat
rack dragged on the ground behind him, all but forgotten in his massive
fist.

Oh, and see here... 'coat rack' is spelled as two words, instead of one. So...
please be consistent(ly correct) with your spelling.
 
       "We're done playing with these two," one head snarled, as its ears

snarled, as --> snarled as

       "There," Xiang Yao said, as she took a seat next to the cash
register and idly snubbed out her cigarette againt the keypad before

againt --> against

(sigh) It's the return of 'againt', which I am 'against'. 

       The youma roared in response and exhaled a gout of fire from both
of his mouths, blasting the two girls out of the window and following
after them with an eager growl. Unnoticed by any of them, Sailor Mercury's
communicator lay where it had fallen.

       And, softly, it began to chime.

**********

To Be Continued...

Before anything else, here's my never-ending and unsolicited advice to you...

Mariko the Cheerleader (Ranma 1/2): Ready? Okay! P-R-O-O-F-R-E-A-D! It keeps
your fics from reading crappy! YAY!

...So yeah. Proofread. It takes care of those avoidable, brain fart mistakes
(like misspelling the names of your own characters, writing 'more happy'
instead of 'happier' (but at least it wasn't 'more happier', amiright?), a
veritable menagerie of typos, repeated and/or inconsistently-spelled words,
etc.). Though you probably already know this, it needs to be said: read your
dialogue out loud. This is the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds
right, makes sense, and flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances
are that it'll feel very weird to read it. Also, let it percolate. If you have
time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you
wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching
strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and other problems. If you've just
written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know
exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather than
what you actually wrote.

Alrighty then. Now that _that_ is out of the way, it's Broken Grammar Rules
Time, yo!

MC Hammer: ~Doorooroo--Stop. GRAMMAR TIME!~

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (I have a dream... a
dream that, I believe, is within your arm's reach. I dream that someday, I will
never have to list Grammar Rule #0 in my C&C of Ronin Summer.)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas. 

Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!). 

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

Also, Sailor Mars (again) says: Grammar Rule #21 tells you how (if you can read
between the lines) to use commas properly. I now realize that _that's_ just one
part of the problem. The main problem is, of course, learning to punctuate
properly. As a general rule, sentences which use 'as' ("She said this as she
did something else") don't need to be punctuated with commas (She said this, as
she did something else"). On the other hand, sentences that don't use 'as'
("She said this, feeling regret") should have proper punctuation 'coz it'd mean
something else entirely otherwise ("She said this feeling regret.").

Hmmm. Five Grammar Rules Broken and two unsolicited advice. Indeed, this is
your batting average. 

As for the content itself: It's undoubtedly good. Action-packed, most
certainly.  Again, this chapter, like all previous chapters, was worth quite a
few chuckles and even a few rounds of applause. Humor, plot, drama, and good
old storytelling are this fic's strong points, no doubt. So far in my C&Cs, I
have yet to heavily criticize the content of your fic. Your Chekov's guns,
MacGuffins, and many other plot points are unraveling very nicely that there's
nothing left for me to suggest. Indeed, I am just another one of your captive
audiences. This one chapter was able to accomplish what it was set out to do:
move the plot, introduce a few more characters into the fray... some incidental
characters to highlight the established characters more, some actually on the
same footing as the established characters. From what I can gather, you have
three major plot points going on (Radanthus's bid to conquer the world,
Badamon's own machinations, and Jadeite's crusade for vengeance), and two minor
ones (the respective 'oneshot character' arcs, and the relationship arcs
between the four 'Inner' Senshi and their YST counterparts). That's a helluva
lot of plot points and plot lines, dear author... I'm just glad that your
juggling act is still working so far. ^_^ Indeed, I would _never_ accuse Ronin
Summer of neglecting a character or a plot point, unlike some fics I know. 

If you were to press me into finding a criticism of Ronin Summer's plot, then
it would have to be that you tend to draw your canvas a bit _too_ wide, having
so many characters and plot lines 'converging' (HA!) together that it's
difficult to keep track of everything. I'm guessing that this is caused by the
agglomeration of Ronin Summer sequels you've made, with you used to juggling so
many plot points together that it just doesn't sit well with you to merely
create a straightforward and linear plot a la Ronin Summer TOS; there just has
to be subplots underlining the main plots.

The same thing has happened to my good friend Joem's 'A Time for Wild Horses'
and the great John Bile's 'Children of Fire'. Your fic (like the fics I've
mentioned) is unquestionably terrific but it's beginning to get into that
territory as of the last few chapters. The first few chapters (before the mass
congregation of every last minor character and their pet
cardians/youma/monsters) is a little more focused, and better for it, I think.
The solution to this potentially troubling quandary of plot convolution? Why,
_plot resolution_, of course. And I believe we're getting there... slowly but
surely.

OTOH, you may prefer things to be as complicated as possible, and you may argue
that it's the entire point of 'Ronin Summer: Convergence', even. I'm just
saying that, well, please think of readability (i.e., entertainment factor +
clearness of prose - convolution of plot) when writing this fic. Plot points
are great, but readability is even better, just like spell-checks are great,
proofreads are even better. In any case, great fic, and I can't wait to C&C
more of it. As such, keep on writing. I also apologize for any spelling and
grammar mistake my C&C has made. It'd be ironic for a correction to need a
correction, but we're all only human, after all. 


Continuing my quest to get people to spell 'midair' sans hyphen,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nixeen: (singies) ~I am Nixeen, going on Neventeen...~


P.S. What are your plans for the last, uncompleted sequel for Ronin Summer
before this one? The one that coincides with the epic, 60+ chapters of
yesteryear's Ronin Summer? Don't tell me that you're just going to abandon it!
It'd be a pity for people wanting closure for TOS and some such. A complete
rewrite is cool, but closure's nice too.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com 

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