Greetings again, assorted personages. I haven't got much to say this
time except that this chapter includes what are probably some of my
favorite lines in any OAV I've ever done, even one poor visual gag that
would have been so much more if this were illustrated. In fact, that's
an idea... I could add an illustration to the webpage version of this.
But that's an idea for another time. For now, just read, enjoy, and if
it doesn't put you out TOO much, voice some opinions.
No, seriously. Even if it puts you out a little.
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?
THE OAVing part 5
NACHO: And here we are again.
ACE: You know, it really hasn't been that bad reading Scott K. Jamison's
"... And Justice For All?"
NACHO: Are you being sarcastic again?
ACE: No, I mean it! It's not horribly written, it's got some interesting
characters, the humor works...
SHEILA: Who are you, and what have you done with the real Ace?
ACE: I'm just tired of dwelling on the new Draco Malfoy, George the
lizard, Mountain High the giant owl, and the similarities of the
characters to counterparts from however many years ago, when Harry
Potter went to Hogwarts. I want to look on the bright side for a change!
NACHO: Okay... so what's the bright side?
ACE: Well... with what appears to be a Weasley in every house, the
Slytherins might actually have a reason to revive the old ditty "Weasley
is Our King".
NACHO: Always the optimist. Speaking of which, let's get to chapter 5.
SHEILA: It's always a joy to have something to read.
<BEGIN FANFIC>
> As always, comments and questions are welcome.
ACE: He's not even going to wait until the end of the chapter to beg for
feedback?
>
> ...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?
NACHO: Unfortunately, no. Superman was late to the battle, and the
League of Injustice took over the world.
> By Scott K. Jamison
ACE: I've got it! His middle name is "Key", isn't it?
NACHO: <Key> I need ten thousand friends. Will you be my friend?
> (Harry Potter and the associated characters were created by J.K.
> Rowling. No infringement is intended or should be construed.)
SHEILA: She'll chase you down and Impedimento you if she thinks you're
lying.
> Chapter Five: Sorting
NACHO: <Duncan> Let's see... the red socks go in this bin, and the blue
ones go in that bin...
>
> As Duncan alit from the train, a strong and rather cold breeze
> whipped at his robe.
JUNK: <Duncan> Whoops... I guess some of those Every Flavor Beans were
baked.
> It wiped away the last traces of sleepiness.
NACHO: He stores sleepiness in his robe?
SHEILA: <Duncan> I'm told it's essential for surviving a lecture from
Professor Binns.
> "First Years this way!" boomed a mighty voice coming from a
> large lump of darkness.
NACHO: And the first years walked into the black hole at the behest of
the Ventriliquo charm, and were never seen again. It was a traditional
prank played by the upper years that had gotten far out of hand.
> It seemed to turn, and was revealed to be a
> huge man with a wild mane of greying hair and a beard that looked
> like an owl could nest in it.
ACE: <Cuchulain> Mountain High, you get away from him right now!
> He was holding aloft a lantern that
> shed a warm yellow glow, but only for a few feet.
NACHO: He needs to swing it at a nearby torch stand. (Press B to swing
the lantern and set nearby objects on fire!)
SHEILA: He could always use Lumos, but the lantern gives it a more
sinister air.
> Duncan felt a
> little afraid, but not so Martin, it would seem.
ACE: <Duncan> I'm not feeling Martin?
NACHO: <Kirsten> No, that's me.
> Despite his previous timidity, the boy was running straight for
> the giant, shouting "Uncle Hagrid!" Hagrid reached down with a hand
> and lifted the small boy to his shoulder.
SHEILA: So Hagrid visits the Weasleys often?
NACHO: I'm betting Harry - er, Harriet doesn't want to see much of him
anymore.
> "Good t' see you, Martin."
>
> Cuchulain looked up and up some more. "That's your *uncle*?"
ACE: <Hagrid> No, lad. The word is *nephew*. He's me nephew.
> "Friend of the family," rumbled Hagrid. "Introduce me to yer
> friends, Martin?"
SHEILA: <Martin> But you're my only friend, Hagrid. And you never come
see me anymore.
> "That's Cuchulain, and the blond one's Duncan," Martin's voice
> got a little timid again, "and the girl's Kirsten.
NACHO: And this is all he knows about them after that whole train ride.
> This is Rubeus
> Hagrid, Groundskeeper and Professor of Care of Magical Creatures."
ACE: <Hagrid> Ach! Ye wee lads, always causin' trooble fer 'Agrid! Ah'm
no cleanin' oop noo moore o' yer pueke!
> "Pleased to meetcher all."
>
> "Top of the evening to you."
>
> "Hi," said Duncan.
NACHO: What? Is that it? Couldn't he at least say "cheerio" or "cor
blimey" or "spot of tea, love" or something?
> Kirsten gave a little curtsey. "I'm very pleased to meet you,
> Professor Hagrid."
JUNK: <Hagrid> Now, there's no need to spread yer legs fer me quite so
soon, lass. We'll get to that when yer of age.
> "Oh, none of that 'Perfesser'for me, thank you, Missy. Just
> Hagrid's fine."
SHEILA: <Kirsten> Well, I'd rather not be called "Missy" either...
Professor.
> Hagrid looked out at the milling students again.
NACHO: They're learning how to smash grain?
> "Hoy, you two! Yer luggage is being taken care of, so you can come
> on over."
ACE: It's just a friendly game of Red Rover.
> The gigantic man checked a piece of parchment he'd pulled from
> his breast pocket, then counted the students.
NACHO: The paper was captioned "Student" and had a picture of a young
person wearing a robe.
> He broke into a large
> smile, which seemed to intimidate some of the crowd.
ACE: <Martin> I think he's hungry....
> "Numbers match,
> first time in three years.
NACHO: Hagrid just solved his first Sudoku.
> Follow me to the boats, now."
>
> A short walk brought the students to a dock at the edge of a
> vast-looking lake.
NACHO: Maximilian pulled out his fishing rod and put a potato cake on
the hook.
> Moored there were a number of small boats, and
> after Hagrid removed Martin from his shoulder,
SHEILA: His surgical skills have certainly improved.
NACHO: He was just a bit too big to be an Igor.
> the young Weasley
> joined Cuchulain and Duncan in one of them, along with a fourth boy,
> a sullen-looking lad who hadn't spoken.
NACHO: Who will undoubtedly be becoming a named main character within a
few paragraphs.
> Kirsten had been nabbed by
> other girls to be in their boat.
ACE: It must have a bathroom on board.
SHEILA: (smacks Ace)
> There didn't seem to be any oars or a motor, and just when
> Duncan was about to ask how the boats ran, Hagrid shouted "Cast off!"
NACHO: <Duncan> But how do we do that? I didn't get to ask!
> The boats began to move seemingly of their own accord, despite the
> wind blowing against them. Magic, no doubt.
ACE: Noooooooo! You think?
> Certainly "magic" seemed the right word as their destination
> came into view, an enormous-looking castle with many towers, blazing
> with lights.
ACE: As soon as "Disney" appears under it, we can start the featured
picture.
NACHO: Mickey Mouse's Magical Castle?
ACE: Magic Johnson's palatial mansion?
> There were "oohs" and "aahs" from nearly everyone, and
> even the sullen boy managed an impressed sigh.
SHEILA: <Cuchulain> Eh, we've got bigger back home.
>
> The boats docked as smoothly as they'd departed, and the
> children scrambled ashore.
NACHO: Having fallen into the water with those not-so-smooth landings.
> Hagrid led them up to a pair of massive
> gates, and heaved them open with his impressive arms.
ACE: Less impressive when you know they've been enchanted with an
Easy-Open Charm. Duncan could have blown them open.
JUNK: <Duncan> (turns around and bends over) Let me give it a try, then.
> "This is as
> far as I go, lads and lasses. Got to go round and be with the other
> teachers now."
NACHO: <Hagrid> It's our last chance ter get drunk before term starts.
> Martin said, "Tell Mother I said 'Hi.'"
ACE: Ah-ha! So his mother's one of the teachers! That sly dog Ron!
NACHO: Explains why she couldn't be at the station, anyway.
ACE: Not really. Lupin rode the Hogwarts Express, no explanation given
unless he did it to protect Harry.
> Hagrid nodded and walked off, the ground trembling slightly
> beneath his feet.
NACHO: <Hagrid> Oh, and mind the patches of Jello there... a wee bit
unstable.
SHEILA: If he and Duncan ever walk side by side, the planet will split
in two.
> The other students had already crowded into a foyer, only to
> recoil a bit when they saw the man standing in front of the next pair
> of double doors.
ACE: <Duncan> Hagrid? How'd you get ahead of us?
NACHO: <Flea> You've done well to get this far, adventurers, but now
you'll have to defeat me!
> He was a wizard with long lank black hair and a cruel-looking
> face.
NACHO: <Ad Avis> I am your friend. You want to help me free the genie.
> Duncan thought it looked like the man disapproved of
> everything he saw. Especially the new students.
NACHO: <Principal Trunchbull> One day, I'll run a school with no
students, and it will be a wonderful place!
> "I am Assistant Headmaster Snape," said the wizard.
ACE: Oh. That explains everything. Including where this story diverged
from canon.
> "You are
> about to be sorted into your houses, which you will have for the
> remainder of your time at Hogwarts.
SHEILA: If you can get your hands on all four houses, you can trade them
for a hotel.
> I expect this remainder to be
> very short for some of you." He was staring directly at Martin, who
> paled a bit.
NACHO: <Martin> He's talking about math, isn't he?
> "If there is any misbehavior, I will be deducting points from
> your house as soon as we learn what it is.
NACHO: It's the place where they'll be for the remainder of their time
at Hogwarts, but that's not important right now.
> I consider once to be
> sufficient warning."
ACE: <Snape> And that was the once.
> Snape raised an arm, and Duncan suddenly noticed the man seemed
> to have only one, as the doors silently swung open.
SHEILA: <Snape> I have another question! Isn't someone going to call on me?
ACE: If you ask me, he got off lucky only losing an arm. Draco and Harry
seem to have lost more important appendages.
> That was the end of silence, as a wave of sound came through the
> open doorway, laughter and talking and clinking of tableware.
NACHO: THX Surround Sound. The audience is now having a dinner party.
> The
> children surged forward, chaotically at first, then more sedately
> under Snape's gimlet glare.
ACE: Very useful for piercing ears and navels.
> They were made to line up against the wall, and Duncan took a
> look at what was evidently the great hall of the castle.
NACHO: But it was actually the shooting range.
SHEILA: Anyone who survives three salvos graduates to the second year.
> Like
> everything else he'd seen so far, it was impressive.
ACE: If everything he sees is that impressive, shouldn't it all seem
normal by now?
> Candles floated
> in midair beneath a high ceiling that was either transparent, or
> magicked to seem so, because Martin could see the stars.
ACE: Maybe it just doesn't exist at all. Who says the architecture has
to be physically possible?
NACHO: And since when are we in Martin's perspective?
> Four long tables ran nearly the length of the hall, three of
> which were filled with students in the school robes.
JUNK: The Slytherins were wearing buttless chaps and leather thongs.
> One of them,
> which had red and gold banners above it, had an unusual number of
> redheads mixed in.
SHEILA: The bias of Carrotop House was fairly obvious.
> The fourth table, decorated with green and
> silver, was only half-full, and the students sitting there seemed
> less boisterous than the rest.
SHEILA: Only half of them waved their little "Go Hogwarts" pennants.
> At the far end was a dais, with a table filled with older
> people,
NACHO: Okay... how exactly does one fill a table?
SHEILA: A spreadsheet?
> who Duncan imagined were probably the teachers. He only
> recognized Professor Malfoy.
ACE: What? No Hagrid? No Snape? No Grubbly-Plank?
NACHO: He hasn't met Grubbly-Plank.
ACE: No, but setting eyes on that woman is enough to tell you she's a
Grubbly-Plank.
> However, at the closest end of the hall was a simple wooden
> chair, on which was set an incredibly battered-looking wizard's
> pointy hat.
SHEILA: <Incredibly battered-looking wizard> Nobody try to help me or
anything. Or fetch me my hat.
NACHO: <Simon> There it is! (reaches into the hat and pulls out a ladder)
> "The Sorting Hat," whispered Martin. "My father says it's
> looked that way as long as anyone can remember."
SHEILA: Not that Ron can remember anything before last week.
ACE: He's trying to make people forget that he set it on fire.
> At an unseen signal, the hat began to stir, and what had seemed
> a tear was now revealed to be a mouth. A mouth that *sang*, no less.
NACHO: Why nobody's sewn it up by now, we'll never know.
> Duncan didn't quite catch all of the song,
SHEILA: Read: Scott didn't feel like writing it.
> but he gathered that
> there were four houses, that the hat would somehow sort them into.
ACE: <Snape> When I call your name, draw a slip of paper from the hat.
> Gryffindors were brave,
NACHO: And consisted of all the "good" main characters.
> Hufflepuffs were hard-working,
ACE: They figure if they work hard enough, they too can star in a Sid
and Marty Krofft series.
> Ravenclaws
> were smart...and Slytherins were, well, good at getting what they
> wanted, it implied.
SHEILA: Now the Sorting Hat's just showing off its talent for euphemism.
NACHO: So why haven't Voldemort and Malfoy ever gotten what they wanted?
> When the song ended, Professor Snape pulled a parchment from his
> empty sleeve and shook it open. "Aaronson, Abraham."
ACE: And so begins the recital of the new AT&T Yellow Pages.
> A boy with a high forehead, and a black skullcap above curly
> black hair, stood forward from the newcomers.
NACHO: When Goth meets Jew.
> He was gestured to the
> chair, and put on the hat. After a long moment, it shouted,
> "Ravenclaw!"
ACE: <Abraham> Oy gevalt! They want I should cut myself again!
> One of the tables had all its students stand and
> applaud as Abraham made his way over to it.
SHEILA: <Table> Stand up and clap, you morons! I can't do it; I'm just a
table!
> "Black, Cygnet."
NACHO: That's what Abraham Aaronson was wearing.
> Duncan imagined that Snape's voice was even
> colder than before.
ACE: Ooh... I see! Cygnet is Sirius's undiscovered daughter!
SHEILA: So... who's HER mother?
ACE: Probably some random bitch in London.
> Cygnet, a girl with very fair skin and long
> ebony hair, was sorted to Gryffindor.
NACHO: Obviously not Tonks.
> That table stood and applauded
> as well.
>
> The next two students went to Hufflepuff,
NACHO: Which is why their names aren't important.
> and then it was time
> for--
>
> "Dursley, Duncan." Was he imagining things, or had there been a
> touch of humor in Professor Snape's delivery of his name?
SHEILA: He was stifling the urge to say "Doughnut".
> Certainly,
> there was a stir through the hall. Duncan heard it like the buzzing
> of hornets, and his knees quaked.
NACHO: One of the hornets landed in his goblet, but he didn't notice it
before taking a sip.
> "Hurry it up, boy, we haven't got all night!" snapped Professor
> Snape.
SHEILA: Snape snaps. Huh.
> Duncan scurried to the chair, and plopped it on his head.
NACHO: <Duncan> Look at me! I'm Chair-Head!
> "You're a surprise," said a voice in his head.
ACE: <Duncan> The feeling is mutual.
> It was the hat's
> voice, but it seemed to be speaking to him alone now.
NACHO: <Duncan> Don't tell me... the dancing frog sent you.
> "It's rather
> messy inside your mind, did you know that?
SHEILA: If there's anything in there at all, it'd have to be useless
clutter.
> You need to take charge
> of your own destiny, so for you, it's--"
NACHO: <Hat> Egress!
ACE: <Hat> A Spiderman costume and a wishy-washy girlfriend!
SHEILA: A misspelling. It meant to say "density".
> "Slytherin!" it shouted out loud.
NACHO: Honestly, I've been suspecting that for a while now. An
interesting direction for a main character, certainly.
ACE: But if Duncan's the new Draco, who's Richard?
NACHO: Third base!
> Duncan took a look back at the students waiting to be sorted.
SHEILA: <Duncan> Anyone want to trade?
> Several were staring at him with looks of surprise or pity.
SHEILA: <Surprised student> I've never seen anyone that FAT!
NACHO: <Pitying student> I know just what it's like to have to tell
everyone it's a glandular problem, when you know you just eat too damn much.
> Martin
> looked like someone had punched him in the stomach.
ACE: It was Richard.
> Professor Snape said, "Vert et argent, serpentus rampant."
NACHO: Ten points to whoever can count how many languages he used in
that line.
ACE: I think it was all in Parseltongue.
> Strangely, his voice was almost soft now.
NACHO: So, softer than soft? Isn't that just silent?
> Argent was silver, and only one set of banners had a snake on
> it.
NACHO: Out of all those words, "argent" is the one he recognizes? It's
got six letters!
> So Slytherin was the half-empty table.
ACE: It was also the only table nobody had been sorted into while he
watched, but who needs the process of elimination?
> As Duncan headed their
> way, most of them stood and applauded. His heart sank, as this was
> most assuredly not a good sign.
SHEILA: Being liked is an unfamiliar situation for a Dursley.
> A large blond boy with a prefect's badge like Thomas gestured to
> an empty place near him.
SHEILA: <Prefect> This place is reserved. You can take the rest of them.
> "Hello, Duncan. I'm Gunnar Malison,
> welcome to Slytherin House."
NACHO: Yikes. I know it's tough to find a more evil-sounding name than
"Draco Malfoy", but that's just forcing the issue.
ACE: Harry Potter's always been full of Scottish names. Why not "Evil
McNastyson"?
> His handshake was perhaps a little too
> firm, and Duncan winced.
JUNK: What the author didn't see was that Gunnar spit into his palm
before shaking Duncan's hand.
> "Sorry, don't know my own strength."
NACHO: <Gunnar> Here, let's check my stat sheet. Huh. Dark elemental and
guns.
> More students went to each of the three other houses, then it
> was "Kinnock, Kirsten."
NACHO: She also went to each of the other houses.
> Duncan crossed his fingers, as she was
> possibly the nicest girl he'd ever known,
SHEILA: That is NOT a viable courtship ritual.
> and it would be nice to
> have all his friends together.
NACHO: <Duncan> Please, send everyone I know or care about to Slytherin!
> Alas, the call was "Hufflepuff!" and she skipped to that table
> without a glance to either side.
ACE: A shame, as she would have easily ducked the spears had she noticed
them coming.
> "Fancy her, do you?" said Gunnar. "Don't worry, seven years is
> a long time, and you'll be seeing her again."
NACHO: And those two facts have NOTHING to do with each other.
> Duncan's ears burned. "It's not like that!"
SHEILA: <Duncan> Seven years is nothing when compared to the age of the
universe!
> Gunnar laughed. "Sure it isn't. But remember, we have girls in
> Slytherin too."
ACE: Which is why our boy Duncan is about to turn to the gay side.
JUNK: I dunno... those evil women have their unique appeal.
> As if to confirm this, "L'Arc, Genevieve", a sharp-featured girl
> with a decidedly orange hue to her elaborately braided hair, was
> sorted to their table.
NACHO: The name says Joan of Arc, but the hair says Pippi Longstocking.
ACE: Wasn't she a saint? Does this mean we'll have "Hitlerski, Adolfus"
in Gryffindor?
> After an introduction, she looked Duncan up
> and down, and said, "You're fat."
SHEILA: Honesty is not a sign of evil, even when it's brutal.
> Gunnar said, "Well, now we know why *you're* in Slytherin.
NACHO: Ooh! Insult for insult!
> But
> a little tact will go far."
SHEILA: <Genevieve> I'm not stopping you. The farther, the better.
> Genevieve sniffed and turned to the girl next to her.
NACHO: <Genevieve> You stink.
> Cuchulain was sorted into Gryffindor, and shook his hands in a
> victory pose as he was welcomed.
ACE: <Cuchulain> (does the Nixon "V" pose)
> Duncan felt a pain in his chest.
SHEILA: <Duncan> There it is. Heart attack number three.
> There wasn't another Slytherin until "Talbain, Quentin."
NACHO: <Talbain, Quentin> Fifty long years it's been since last man set
foot in this hallowed Hall....
> He was
> a swarthy boy whose eyebrows met in the middle, making one long
> streak of hair.
NACHO: <Talbain, Quentin> And don't you like my shiny gold tooth?
SHEILA: Isn't this that baby from The Simpsons, all grown up?
> Genevieve shrank away from the newcomer.
ACE: <Genevieve> When I look at him, I see a wooden stake in the middle
of a fire.
> "Geez, I'm perfectly safe," growled Quentin.
NACHO: Of course he is. Nobody's going to hurt him. Genevieve, on the
other hand, is probably in a lot of danger.
> "Got my shots and
> everything."
ACE: <Quentin> Two shots of tequila and a Felix Felicis chaser.
> Genevieve didn't seem convinced. "Don't come near me, Talbain."
SHEILA: <Quentin> Oh, of course! Why didn't you SAY so?
> "Mind her not," said Gunnar. "I bet she tastes terrible."
JUNK: <Gunnar> But just to make sure, I think I should have a lick first.
> For some reason, most of the people at the table found this quip
> absolutely hilarious. Duncan didn't get it at all.
NACHO: Nor do I... Gunnar says he won't want to eat her, so go ahead and
eat her?
ACE: SOMEBODY eat her already... she's getting annoying for a new character.
> But by this time, they were joined by "Warlock, Cosmo", the
> sullen boy from the boat.
NACHO: Told you.
ACE: He later changed his surname to "Spacely" and was instrumental in
ushering in an age where magic and technology were indistinguishable.
> Genevieve seemed happy to see him, but he
> simply acknowledged everyone with a nod.
NACHO: And we have the first leg of the unrequited love triangle.
> Martin got sorted into Gryffindor as well. Duncan was about to
> cry.
SHEILA: <Duncan> It's just like back home... nobody has to suffer but me!
> "What did you expect," said Gunnar, not unkindly, "all the
> Weasleys sort into Gryffidor.
ACE: Well, lucky break for Gryffindor that they're not saddled with
Weasleys anymore.
NACHO: But the Ranger, Logbottom, and Otter families will always be
welcome in Godic's tower.
> Even Richard." The last was said with
> genuine venom, which startled Duncan into not feeling quite so bad.
JUNK: <Gunnar> I told you I had experience with having a loved one in
another House.
> At last, "Zorton, Zebediah" was sorted into Hufflepuff,
NACHO: He sounds more like a Dr. Seuss character than the brothers Krofft.
ACE: Zorton Sees a Zoo!
> and the
> teacher at the center of the dais rose.
NACHO: Is that like the compass rose?
ACE: <Teacher at the center of the dais> Awww... I wanted Ravenclaw.
> "Good evening. I am Headmistress Minerva MacGonagall.
NACHO: Even Professor McGonagall's gone and gotten married!
SHEILA: Or replaced by someone with Polyjuice Potion. Nobody would
expect that.
> A very
> warm welcome to all our new students!" Applause broke out.
ACE: Many of them have never been appreciated.
NACHO: I've just reread the introductions to three of the books, and
something's definitely missing here.
> She
> looked like a very old witch, but not as ugly as Duncan somehow
> expected.
NACHO: Not that he's seen many witches yet... just Kirsten, Peggy,
Genevieve, and Genevieve's nameless friend.
> Kind of like someone else's grandmother, really.
SHEILA: But we've never even heard of her being married.
> "And welcome back to all our returning scholars.
NACHO: There it is.
ACE: She's no Dumbledore... which means she might actually tell Duncan
what's trying to kill him.
> There are, as
> always, a few announcements before the feast begins.
SHEILA: <Duncan> (stomach grumbles)
> The Forbidden
> Forest is again off limits on penalty of expulsion.
NACHO: Or, for the lucky students, death.
> This applies
> especially to Weasleys."
ACE: <McGonagall> Weasleys will be so expelled that they won't even be
allowed to enroll at another school!
> There was a ripple of laughter.
>
> Headmaster MacGonagall adjusted her glasses.
NACHO: <McGonagall> I didn't intend to become a comedian. I've had
greatness thrust upon me.
> "I am sorry to
> state that Professor Gallimaufrey met with an unfortunate accident
> over the summer.
SHEILA: <McGonagall> Someone heard his name, thought he was a vegetable,
and stewed him.
NACHO: <McGonagall> We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher,
as the last one accidentally brutally strangled himself while watering
the garden.
> You'll be pleased to hear that he's on the mend,
NACHO: (scattered boos)
> but sadly will be unable to teach this term.
NACHO: (scattered cheers)
> Therefore, I have asked
> a distinguished alumnus of Hogwarts to teach Defense Against the Dark
> Arts.
ACE: <McGonagall> However, as usual, he turned us down, and we had to
settle for the undistinguished Neville Longbottom.
SHEILA: Or the indistinguishable Weasley twins.
> I'd like you all please to welcome Professor Hermione
> Granger."
NACHO: <Random Slytherin> (charms her seat into a spiky surface)
ACE: Now that's a Hogwarts welcome!
> A witch with bushy brown hair stood up, and there was a strong
> round of applause, especially from the Gryffindors, who seemed to
> know her.
SHEILA: In other than the "that's the famous witch who was always with
Harry Potter when he fought Voldemort!" sense?
ACE: Maybe she's been their head of house, even though she only just
took the post.
NACHO: Given that it looks like they never did sort out that "new
teacher every year" curse, I'm beginning to doubt her intelligence.
> Duncan noticed that she was seated on the exact opposite
> end of the table from Professor Malfoy, and that man had stiffened
> when she was introduced.
JUNK: He's gone from hating her very blood to getting a hard-on at the
sight of her. Now THAT'S a change!
> Wait a minute, Duncan was sure he'd heard
> that name before.
NACHO: Well, yeah. Professor Malfoy brought you to Diagon Alley.
> "Who's Professor Granger?" he asked Gunnar.
NACHO: <Stuffed moose head> Who's Professor Granger? Who's Professor
Granger? Listen to this, fellas! This doofus doesn't know who Professor
Granger is!
ACE: <Random pieces of art> There once was a professor of
Transfiguration/Whose abilities allowed no imitation/There was no change
faster/Than hers to Headmaster/and, uh...
JUNK: <Himself> She -
SHEILA: No.
> "Were you raised by *Muggles*?
ALL: YES.
> She's one of Harry Potter's best
> friends, and one of the smartest witches around."
SHEILA: <Gunnar> Of course, since I'm a Slytherin, I have to hate her,
but that's nothing personal.
> "Oh." That was right, she'd written a book.
NACHO: It takes a lot of smarts to write a whole book.
> Which might mean
> she could shed some light on his mysterious cousin.
ACE: Harriet and Draco had a kid? Well, that's just all kinds of messed up!
> "And now," continued the headmaster, "let us eat!"
SHEILA: <Oppressive trolls> No! You no eat until we finished!
> Food appeared on the tables, heaping platters of delight.
NACHO: A delight supper? Milo ate better than that in Dictionopolis!
> Even
> the Dursley home had never seen such a feast!
ACE: You know, that's a good point. If Harry had ever told Dudley about
the food, fat-boy would have been begging his parents to send him to
Hogwarts.
> Duncan forgot his
> troubles for a time as he tucked in.
SHEILA: And now he's already in bed. No wonder he's forgetting things,
with this screwed-up timeline.
>
> TO BE CONTINUED
NACHO: We end here, lest the talk of dinner and bedtime make us drool
all over our keyboards.
> Comments, questions?
ACE: Aah! It's a time-loop to the beginning of the chapter! This is
worse than that time we started reading chapter four, and it turned out
to be another chapter three!
SHEILA: Like I said... screwed-up timeline.
> SKJAM!
NACHO: Duncan ducked the curse, but because he was such a large target,
it hit him in the gut with a resounding SKJAM! and knocked him off his feet.
ACE: Now THAT'S a chapter break-worthy cliffhanger!
<END FANFIC>
NACHO: So begins the legacy of the Dursleys in Slytherin.
SHEILA: Only if Doughnut ever manages to find a wife and have kids.
ACE: Actually, I just realized something. It appears that, despite all
the supporting evidence, Hermione IS actually Ron's wife and Martin's
mother.
NACHO: We've known that all along. It was the only thing that made sense.
ACE: No, that's not what I realized. Didn't you notice? She's still
Professor Granger.
SHEILA: Oh, you're right! She didn't change her last name!
ACE: No wonder the new Weasley kids are so traumatized. They probably
think their parents aren't married.
NACHO: I'm sure there's a good reason for it. Maybe only redheads can
take the Weasley name. It could be an ancient curse or something.
SHEILA: Which would be why Arthur picked a redhead to marry?
JUNK: Or maybe... Arthur and Molly were related BEFORE they got married....
ALL: (shudder)
NACHO: I think we'd better hope that there's a Professor Weasley
teaching something unusual, like Arithmancy or Magical Song.
ACE: Did anyone ever notice that there are no art classes at Hogwarts?
Considering that Dumbledore always considered love to be the most
powerful force known to magic, you'd think they'd teach song and dance.
NACHO: That's just how Dumbledore got around explaining what was
happening all that time to Harry.
ACE: But all the moving portraits! There has to be a lot of magic behind
that!
SHEILA: Magic developing fluid. Colin Creevey was using it his first year.
ACE: I thought technology didn't work at Hogwarts. And what did they do
in the days of paint and canvas?
JUNK: Things that just wouldn't be age-appropriate to students.
NACHO: Well, the discussion could go on forever, but we're supposed to
be finishing up and returning control to the calling browser.
ACE: Your computer jargon gets downright weird sometimes. You know that?
SHEILA: He's right, though. We've said more than enough. See you all
next time!
NACHO: return(23_yard_gain_touchdown);
ACE: Really, really weird.
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING
... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL? is by Scott K. "SKJAM" Jamison
-
Duncan scurried to the chair, and plopped it on his head.